What is the Islamic thing to do?
What's the Islamic thing to do?
Question:
Salam alaykum
I recently met a beautiful brother (5 months ago), and we have been talking/seeing each other regularly. MashAllah, he has beautiful eemaan, and qualities I really would like for my future husband, inshaAllah.
In march (about 6 weeks ago) we set a date to marry (June the 5th) and so, I told all my family friends etc that that was the date. After visiting his family three weeks ago, he has come back and said his mother thinks he should "get to know me".
Because of the emotions I felt that I would be married soon, I allowed myself to feel for him. I was happy that I would soon be able to feel a hug/touch from this man whom I love. Now, I feel so sad, and I can't allow myself to see him because of these feelings I have.
I have tried to reason with him, but although he tells me "You're the one" etc, he is being so stubborn. He is 31, and I'm 26. We both have good jobs alhamdulillah, and both reasonably good muslims, alhamdulillah. I am at a loss as to what to do now. I find it hard to be with him, but I feel if I'm not with him, our relationship will dissolve.
I want just to perform the Akid (halal part of marriage) so that we can at least have that physical contact, hold hands etc, i dont need to live with him, have babies yet etc!! I know, I should leave things in the hands of Allah, but I'm so angry at myself for falling in love, and I know if I leave him, I will be sad for months and months.
Ya Rabbi! What do I do? Leave him and leave the rest with Allah? Or what?
- Naeema
Wael's Answer:
Dear Sister Naeema, As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
Thank you for writing to us and placing your trust in us to advise you. May Allah guide me in giving you the best advice.
I have been through an experience almost identical to yours. Although I tried to stay with her even after she cancelled or "postponed" the wedding, it went downhill from there and we ended up breaking up anyway, after some very emotionally painful months.
Looking back, I should have walked away the moment she cancelled the wedding. It still would have been painful, and as you say I would have experienced the same deep sadness, but I would have walked away with my dignity, and would have avoided a lot of unnecessary arguments and casting of blame.
So that's my advice to you. I believe that the special bond you had with him has been severed, and the trust has been broken. It sounds to me as if his family has rejected you as a partner for him, and he doesn't want to tell you that outright, but that's just speculation on my part. In any case, I don't think that waiting or giving it time will make any difference.
You have known this brother and have been talking about marriage for five months. That is plenty of time to get to know someone. To continue in a "relationship" without marriage is an invitation to fitnah. Especially since it sounds like your need for physical contact and closeness are overriding your common sense. The desire to hold someone's hand is not a reason to get married.
End your relationship with him. If he had been serious, he would have followed through with his commitment. I understand that you will go through a period of sadness and depression, but it will pass in time.
In my case, it took more than a year for me to recover emotionally, but in the end I came through wiser and stronger than before. I turned to Allah and sought my comfort in Him; I focused my love on my daughter and tried to be the best father I could for her; and I indulged in the hobbies and activities that make me happy, such as reading, writing and practicing martial arts. And I came out on the other end still retaining my ability to laugh, and to thank Allah for all the blessings in my life.
I don't want to make this all about me. I'm just sharing my experience so it can be a guide for you in moving forward Insha'Allah. Sometimes we have to make choices that make us sad, because they are good for us in the long term. This is one of those times.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaam Sister,
I agree with Wael but for different reasons. I think that this is classic mother-in-law behaviour, and it is well recorded that mother's of son's can be known to do anything they can to thwart their son's marriage plans. Mum's will urge for the boy to delay,and then when the girl pulls back from him she will say "you see, I told you she was not the one" and so on and so forth Really you want to marry someone who is in charge of themselves and can make their own decisions with confidence and resist doubts.
Therefore I think you should brave the turbulent emotions that come with cutting him off, but rather than see this as the official end - explain to him that you seek a husband who can make his own decisions and that you feel he is urging you towards sin rather than marriage and that this is not the kind of person you are, and not the kind of person you want to be and that you are not interested in marrying someone who is his mother's puppet - but you would prefer a man who is his own boss. Tell him that you love him dearly, and that you are sad that it has to be this way. THEN once you have communicated this - you cut contact.
His intention will become clear over the next two months, and you must be happy with whatever the outcome. It is difficult to be emotionally disciplined in this way - but it is more than worth it. If you gain a husband, you have gained a very good, strong one. If you lose a husband-to-be, you lost one that can't make his own decisions. Both ways, you have pleased Allah and remained within his limits - this is a very great deed.
Peace,
L
Subhanallah! These are responses I wasn't expecting!
Jazakallah khayr for your responses. Please make dua for me, that I am strong enough to make the right decision.
I think that just because his parents told him to wait to know you better before marrying you doesn't mean they're rejecting you. You two have only known each other feive months ! That's a very short time !
I don't think you should break up with him rightaway, wait, know him a little better, let him know you a little better... on the phone. Don't go out with him on dates and stuff like that, that's not persmissible in our religion. He can come see you at your parents house, that way you can avoid being alone with him which would be khulwah.
Give him a few more months. If he's still not ready to marry you then, leave him.