Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Physical Exhaustion and whats the right balance between deen and dunya?

beautiful white flowers, innocence,

Allah(swt) says in Surah Ta Ha, Ayah 2: "We did not send down the Qur'an to you to make you miserable," and in Surah Al Baqarah, Ayah 185: "Allah desires ease for you; He does not desire difficulty for you."

Salaam, I need advise. This is what I want:

- Learn to speak arabic, read qur'an with good tajweed, teach Islam in Sunday school, teach children how to read, attend Montessori school, get married, die in Mecca. Die as a Muslim. Live my life pleasing Allah swt.

This is how I am spending my life.

- Wake up at 5 am, barely pray Suboh.. just quickly get through.

get ready for work, head to work by 7:10am. Do work till about 6 pm. Get back possibly teach some kids after work hours, or head to part time university to complete degree.

I manage to save about 350 a month, I contribute to my islamic life insurance, I have another set of health insurance, i am thinking of taking up another insurance.

I tire easily so I take cab rides very often. I don't cook, so I eat out.

I am unmarried, so my whole life is basically what I mentioned on repeat.

I pray my 5 daily prayers alhamdulillah. I try to do zikr, in fact I make it a habit to recite Subhanallah Walhamdulillah Wa Laillahha illaah allahuakhbar about 90-100 times on the way to work. I try to fast on Mondays and Thursdays.

I have gone to Umrah Alhamdulillah on my own.

I try to do volunteer work for Islamic causes. I try to give to  charity monthly, if I don't forget!

I think about the products I purchase. I try to buy products that don't damage the earth god has created, inshaAllah. I try.

I am quite a beautiful person I think. Alhamdulillah Allah swt has made me beautiful, and made me very careful not to use that beauty wrongly. I wear hijab by choice.

I try to pepper all my sentences with the name of Allah swt. I consciously put it in. I read the Qur'an.

I used to have no other friends but those who club, drink and are basically self-destructive.. because I too had such a very difficult time understanding my own worth and purpose for existence. I suddenly lost contact with all of them. I try to influence them about Islam, pray for me that I will succeed. I do it as a sort of responsibility and sincerely , I will tell you honestly I haven't got to the point where I am doing it for Allah swt.. I wish I knew how. Lip service wise yes, but intentionally.. no. InshaAllah with time that will take place. I do it because I saw how Allah swt helped me, and I know the end of the day this is the reality. Pleasing and worshipping him. And the solution is there, I see people basically crying for help. I tell them the answer.

My family, alhamdulillah. I try to be close to them. I try very hard to keep my mother company, although I dread her company but because Allah swt says keep her company. I do it. This one is honestly because of Allah swt.

I try to encourage my famliy to go out together, have dinner with each other together. Although they really don't know what to say with one another. Again because of Allah swt.

I try. Now I am speaking to this person, whom I used to go out with, about marriage. We are getting to know one another again. I think we will marry, inshaAllah we will. I don't really like him, because he is always hot and cold and doesn't stick to his main intention and always uses Allah swt as a scapegoat for his pathetic excuses when he turns cold. But I tolerate it anyway, because Allah swt prefers us to marry. I have done istikharah. And my istikharah basically says marry him, he will make your life difficult but he will make you happy. So I am just waiting for this brother, to quickly get his act together. I pray for him also.

So that is my life. My reason for telling you all this is that, I still feel sort of I'm still so far from where I want to be. I feel like I don't have the energy to do it all. I just can't. My body breaks down. I get so exhausted and I'm literally dragging myself just half trying to keep up with appointments. I'm just barely making my promises at this point. I can't be present. I feel that I'm not doing justice. I have this paranoia that I'm not doing it right. Allah swt is so going to be angry with me.

I'm so exhausted now. I just slept through practically 48 hours. I can't pray it's that time of the month. I do say tasyahud everytime I open my eyes, and say Allahuma ajir ni minnannar.

Because I am so restless at sleep, I end up doing tahajjud. when I can pray. I do 2 rakaats. I know it's so lame. But I really spend the rest of the time "talking to god" until I basically fall asleep. Or reading Qur'an. I try to do sunnah prayers before and after prayers. I don't know i just feel like the quality is lacking. ALthough sometimes I am just crying my eyes out in the middle of prayer. I don't know... it just happens.

And I still feel tired. Previously... I had ridiculous body ache. And I realized the reason is because I've not been smiling for such a long time. I smile, but it's really for Allah swt. It's not because I'm genuinely happy or what. I just do it for sedekah. It really does wonders, subhanallah. I realize that the dunia is just temporary, so I really can't wait to get it over and done with. I've read hadith that it's better to wish for a longer life. But IT's such a drag. really. Allah swt is so going to roast me for this. But I am so exhausted. every day dragging myself through it. I don't know what is the appropriate course of action. Stick through my course. Change something? If so, change what? I don't know... Why am I feeling like this?

Am I doing something wrong? Am I seeing it through the wrong reasons? Are my intentions wrong? Do I need to stop the unnecessary burdens and start actually living my aspiration to study Islam? stop the dunia stuff. Go to Mecca be a nun? NO such thing right in Islam? Be a scholar? I don't know. I can't do it as a Muslim woman, a single Muslim woman. And my family will just kick me out of the home if i did that.And what do I do with this person that I'm supposed to marry? Do I ignore him. Stop talking to him? I really don't know.

I don't know what Allah swt wants me to do with my life. Does he want me to stop everything? And start again doing something else? I'm 27. I'm not getting any younger. I have basically no skills nor trade. I'm just hoping to marry so I can just focus on being a mum and a housewife.

I don't know what Allah swt wants me to do in my life. I really do not want to waste it. Why do I feel like I'm wasting it? Am I moving in the wrong direction? I don't know... are my aspirations stupid and silly and simple-minded? I'm being told everyday that I'm this lazy simpleton. But honestly. speaking I do get tired.

There was a point in my life, where I was taking ibuprofen, for joint pains, jaw pains, muscular pains.. unexplainable pains. BRAIN MEDICATION for stomach upsets. I mean I don't know.

And it doesn't help that my younger sister is diagnostically speaking in a worst physical shape than I am. But she is just beeming with energy and subhanaallah determination. I don't know what drives her.

If I had half of that energy, I can do so much good. I know. But I don't have it.

Make doa for me. I don't know if you've watched winny the pooh. I wish I was a lot like tigger or rabbit.. or even winny... or piglet. I'm actually very much like Eeyore. Not on purpose! Wallahi!

My friends adore me..alhamdulillah and I try to be there for them. But they tire me out. People tire me out. I can't explain it. Just talking to people tires me out.. drains all my energy away. So I am very selective. But I know they like my company. I've been told, I'm nice and etc.. so alhamdulillah.  Even my volunteer organization has decided not to put me in like people relations positions.. I'm great in small groups, and just dispensing ideas, and planning.. advisory positions. Rubbish at service. I don't know.. is this a sign that I'm not being Islamic.. or is it just my personality or the way Allah swt made me. I don't know. I used to be very affected by it, but nowadays.. I just accept it as just how I am. I have other strengths and ways to contribute.

I'm very detached I wish it wasn't so but I don't know the balance between Allah, akhirah and dunia.

Advise or words of wisdom? Would be most helpful.

~ Freida



Freida, as a first thought, what comes to mind is that you have set extremely high expectations for yourself in matters of worship, so high that you are draining yourself out and making yourself ill. You need to find a balance between deen and dunya. For now, I have attached some hadiths for your which you may find useful inshaAllah. I shall reply in full regarding this including your choice of marriage partner once your post has been published inshaAllah.

  • 'A'isha reported that that once the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, came when a woman was with her. He asked, "Who is this?" She replied, "So-and-so," and told him about the amount she prayed. He said, "Stop! You must only do what you are able. By Allah, Allah does not grow weary [of giving rewards] as you grow weary, and the deen He likes best is the one in which there is constancy." [Agreed upon]
  • Anas said, "Three people came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, to ask about how the Prophet worshipped. When they were told, it was as if they thought it was little and said, 'Where are we in relation to the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, who has been forgiven his past and future wrong actions?'" He said, "One of them said, 'I will pray all of every night.' Another said, 'I will fast all the time and not break the fast.' The other said, "I will withdraw from women and never marry.' The Messenger of Allah came to them and said, 'Are you the ones who said such-and-such? By Allah, I am the one among you with the most fear and awareness of Allah, but I fast and break the fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever disdains my sunna is not with me.'" [Agreed upon]
  • Ibn Mas'ud reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Those who make things hard for themselves will be destroyed." He said it three times. [Muslin]
  • Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The deen is easy. Anyone who makes the deen too hard on himself will find it becomes too much for him. So aim for what is right, follow a middle path, accept the good news of the reward for right action, and seek help [to reach your goal by being constant in worshipping] in the morning, evening and some of the night."[al-Bukhari]  In one variant of al-Bukhari, "so aim for what is right, follow a middle path, and head for the goal in the morning, evening and some of the night and you will reach the goal."
  • Anas said, "The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, entered the mosque and there was a rope hanging between two pillars. He asked, 'What is this rope?' They replied, 'The rope belongs to Zaynab. When she is tired, she hangs on to it.' The Prophet said, 'No ­ remove it. You should pray as long as you have the energy for it. When you are tired, you should sit down.'" [Agreed upon]'
  • A'isha reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "When one of you dozes off while he is praying, he should go and lie down until he is no longer sleepy. If someone prays when he is drowsy, he may not know whether he is asking for forgiveness or asking for something bad for himself." [Agreed upon]
  • Abu 'Abdullah Jabir ibn Samura said, "I used to pray the prayers with the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and his prayer was of medium length and his khutba was of medium length." [Muslim]

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5 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    There's nothing wrong with having noble goals, such as the ones you've set for yourself. Nor is there anything wrong with trying to do the best you can and be the best you can, every day. Yet once in a while, our intentions go from being good and pure to being obsessive. Sometimes it's hard to tell when we've crossed the fine line between caring about priorities as we should, and missing the forest for the trees. When we find ourselves consumed with the smallest details to such an extent we are less able to function in the bigger things, or finding ourselves stressed and agitated for no reason, even exhausted and having headaches/stomach aches, it's time to see if perhaps we have spun the plates too fast.

    I'm sure you will get a lot of good advice on this forum, and there are so many details that you've mentioned about your situation that I believe many will address each aspect uniquely and comprehensively Insha'Allah. However, as a mental health professional what is glaring at me is that what you are describing of your life and habits seems to indicate some signs of either obsessive personality disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder. I would like to kindly encourage you to have a consultation with a qualified mental health provider to have these aspects evaluated. I can assure you that a good therapist can help you rediscover the balance you need in your life and help you manage any "symptoms" you have, while promoting and respecting your dedication to Islam and Allah. With professional assistance, I believe you will find a way to more effectively live your current day to day life, while finding meaningful ways to fulfill your ultimate life goals.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Sister you remind me of a character in a book i read as a teenager Catcher in the Rye except he was a 14 yr boy and your an 27 yr old women, life is simple why are you complicating it, Masha'Allah you pray your salat 5 times give to charity spend time with family, only thing missing is you need to get your head out of the clouds and get your feet back on the ground talk about delusions of grandeur sorry if i am bit rude but saying things like Allah gonna roast me i mean whats that about, just stop over thinking and you will be fine insha'Allah, may Allah (swt) reward you for the good work you do for charity.

  3. Salaam dear sister,
    I truly second what everyone has said. I also wanted to say no wonder you are tired all the time and experiencing body aches and other problems. You seem like someone who is excessively hard on yourself if you dont mind me noticing. I am saying this because I was (and still am sort-of) the same but to a lesser extent than you and I also gave myself health problems. These health problems reduced when I calmed down but did not completely go. So please sister work towards moderation - work on your stress and don't ignore it.
    I too wanted to learn Arabic - be hafiz of Quran, pray with humility, have a good job and do fantastic at it, study etc.
    Had I had done that from the beginning and not placed huge expectations on myself, maybe I wouldnt have had these problems. Allahu alam. I am telling you this so that you realise. Not only that my tendency to be a perfectionist made me afraid to make mistakes at my job - which lead to me being neurotic, making more mistakes and not fitting in.

    The Prophet SAW was light hearted, and he advised us to be moderate. Islam is moderate - we do what we are able and dont tire ourselves out. Also sister you are human - give yourself smaller targets and dont put yourself down. I understand how you feel and I will pray for you InshaAllah - we are on a similar journey together.

    I pray that Allah swt helps those in need. I pray that He restores your health, and gives your heart ease.

    Sara Editor

  4. Assalaam Walekum Wa rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,Sister Frieda,

    Imagine these:

    A fresh water fish being made to live in sea water, What would happen to it? Possibilities are: she might die or be lucky enough and someone may transfer it back to freshwater in time,to survive.Also its possible that transfering was delayed and when it happened it did not serve the purpose.Thats the way our Lord ( may all praises be to HIM alone) has created things.Looking same but are different, serving same purposes but in different manner.This one understands if he /she reads the Surah called as heart of Quran: Surah yaseen.

    As rightly pointed out by sister Amy : a personality disorder .I mean thats the way science will put it.We all are born and brought up in age of science where we are taught to be logical.And science many people you will find , who think is almost like God's decree( May Allah have mercy upon us).If things do not work out as per rules of science then they are termed as disorders.Strange Haan!.So nothing to worry about your disorder.Just think that yours is an extra ordinary case( although there are many of us like you, may Allah guide us all with this so called personality disorders), which science still needs time to understand and accept.Sometimes to understand somethings which are different creations of Allah Rabbil Izzat, we need to take out our scientific eye glasses.Science is a good tool and remember its only a tool, which might not be suitable for all jobs.I agree with Sister Amy on her remark as personality disorder, but disorder does not necessarily mean something wrong, its just that your personality is not common.Allah The knower of all unseen says in Quran:


    Reffering to words of KHIZRA Alaihi salaam to Musa Alaihi Salaam: your knowledge is different from what I have, and our knowledge altogether is same as what a bird can take in its beak from a sea.Sea being the knowledge of Allah.

    Your description about your life tells that presently you must be finding it hard to relate with people.They are not in same intellectual lines as you are.Like your parents, friends etc, after initial meeting talks you must be realising its hard to find a common ground.Actually the fact is they were all the same as always.Only thing is that you changed.Your priorities in life change, your meaning of life changed.There was a time in my life where I faced this problem.Like you I was also a creative back stage guy likes to stick around with small groups, but onstage I am different.I cannot last longer in limelight.I perform well but somewhere felt this thing I cannot take longer.Its like the high and low tide thing.Sometimes all energies are oozing out from you and at times you are the darkest place.This thing is a disorder from birth and its controlled by destiny.Its like we have a controller fixed on our heart for allowed and disallowed activities with each having setpoints.So when we exceed setpoint our heart automatically withdraws from the activities with no further liking for it.And if we continue doing the same activity we feel stress in our body.Well i dont take it anymore as a bad thing happening to me , now I only think that to be as a protection device I have, and I act according to it to control my actions. And you know what the best way to enjoy my life is , to act within limits on either side.Thanks to Allah's apostle Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam's teaching which says Do not overburden yourself.

    Its important for a person with such condition to realise that his/her body and mind work at different levels, and they are not synchronised. When either of it exceeds the limit ,the outcome shows as stress and depression.So best attempt one can make is to use both body and mind at same level.That means He/ she needs to control the activity of them.And how to control? its simple try relaxing, dont think too much.Most importantly when you do that, one has to accept that presently he/she is not capable of what the body/mind is demanding.Acceptance is key to everything.By accepting we agree that our lord has created us with this short comings and submit to HIM , asking for forgiveness.Isnt it that our beloved prophet sallalahu alaihi wa sallam was informed by Musa Alaihi salaam on his Heavenly journey( Meraaj) that His Ummah will be weak in body, mind, and heart. and will find it hard to pray 5 times also.And how can we deny it?

    Sister accept your weakness. Strength is only virtue of Allah Subhaanwataalla.As Allah's apostle sallalahu alaihi wa sallam has said: You will get tired of putting up acts of worship, but Allah is never tired of accepting those, so do only what you are capable of. and expect Him to do( give you) what he is capable of.Your dream of living as mentioned in your post would Inshaallah take its own time to fulfill if it is decreed whether you strive hard for it or not..But do not ask something before time.Its like asking for daylight when you wake up for Tahajjud.

    As a matter of Fact Our prophet sallallahu Alaihi wa sallam himself spent His time in Khalwat (solitary) and after that came Nabuwat and He for our good fortune ( All thanks to be Allah) was sent to us as Nabi at the age of 40.

    Then again once you resign to this fact, you will be left with nothing to do.Which is more dangerous to Imaan.As Allah paak has mentioned in Quran, DO NOT BE LAZY IN WORSHIP. Its very important in your state to to have faith in your thinking , always keep abreast with literature which will improve your thinking ability about Allah Rabbil Izzat.ALways remember Allah through Zikra Khafi( only in heart and not uttered by mouth).But remember one thing although we do all this but infornt of Allah we all are same when compared to others.And our aim should be to serve people with weak faith, people in distress.There is no better Nawafil Ibadat than helping our fellow brother.Here again you will see it will drain you out.Its like when you are in touch with a one who can take help from you, your own energy, belief starts draining.This happens because although our intentions are noble but still our faith is not stronger.There are people present on this earth who live every single moment of their life in remembrance of Allah The Exalted.We are far behind from that state.So ofcourse our well will become empty once someone starts taking water from it.And then we feel it like you do.Now that well of faith can only be filled up with rain water which is one of the things that our Lord controls.So he may give it to whom he wills.And everytime one servant goes back to Him for more water of faith HE THE AlMIGHTY will test him.So thats we are asking for. So its best to limit helping people to within that we are capable of to do always, just like Ibadat.

    Once when Abubakra Siddique radiallahu taalla Anhu gave some amount in charity, although it was less than what Hazrat Umar radiallahu taalla Anhu had given, Inspite of that Allah's apostle sallalahu Aliahi wa sallam termed Hazrat Abubakra's charity as more.That was because he had brought whatever he had got in his house.This Hadith is very useful when you want to feel reconnected with your friends and family.Just make it a point to remember whatever they think about Islam, and do , is all they have in their houses.While your act of worships are just like charity of Hazrat Umar Radiallahutalla Anhu, who still had something left back home.Never ever have the feeling of being superior in Ibadat as compared to anyone.You never know what is more acceptable in eyes of Allah subhaanawataala your tahajjud or Khaza prayer of some not so good muslim.Never let arrogance , pride come in your act of worship. Finally its Upto Almighty to accept what HE wills and none of us has control over it.So make it a point to respect others for what they are doing.But also continue in a nice amicable way to guide them to more good things in life.

    As regards to your marriage, sometimes we are wrong about the fact that we can put up to any test we can take so beware before what you choose.And knowing you from what you have said( Allah knows better) The almighty will always protect you.I have only this verse to say for your likings for test:


    So beware when you say "he will make your life difficult but he will make you happy".

    With regards to your body illness, looks like you must be having symptoms of Spondilitis or some other form of athritis.Just get it checked.But remember one thing Allopatic medicines have no cure for that, and their method of treatment only leads to cancer.Control of eating habits, and sleep is key to living life easily in such condition.I have lost my 8 year old sister ( To allah we belong and to Him we return) just because of wrong allopatic treatment for spondilitis.

    Once a man came to a righteous man and said, i have seen that I recite surah Ikhlas in dream.To this righteous man replied: Congratulations welcome onboard,and he explained to him what all happens to people who are close to Allah The Almighty.The man was frightened as he was not willing to leave everything he asked is there any way out.The righteous man replied The choice is only HIS the exalted is he.You will face it you welcome it or not.

    So sister relax you will get it whether you strive for it or not.Just presently stick to your obligatory prayers in any case do not miss them.For Tahajjud, remember one thing it is not you who wakes up from sleep,its Allah the ALmighty who makes you alive once again after your soul has left in sleep.So whatever time He THE exalted is he, wakes you up, no harm in standing up for prayer .And It is He alone who inspires you two perform two Rakats of prayers.

    TRY TO BE LIKE SILENCE , WHICH DISAPPEARS WHEN IT SOUNDS.Do not make corrections in the world for He has set it right, do not interfere.

    Pray for me and others to your lord, as he says: Mukarrab are those who themselves seek people who are closer to Allah The Almighty so that they may refer them to HIM( All praises to be Him alone )

    All I know is that all these talks above, are meaningful to only those who Allah wills.May Allah The All forgiving have mercy upon me for reasons best known to Him alone. Aameen.

    Allah Hafiz wa Nasir.

  5. May A l l a a h [s w t] allow you to reach where you want in terms of knowledge of the religion, and me likewise inshallaah.

    sister, how does avoiding to smile give you body ache.

    i dont smile, ever, i know its sadaqah, but ever since childhood, i hardly smiled, i dont get body ache becauise of this.

    wallaahi, i also dread the many days i wasted playing when i was a child, because i could've done something more to comprehend islam.
    but we have to remember that its the QadarAllaah.

    and Allaah decrees what he does for a wisdom which is ONLY limited to him.

    yes, you should want a looooooooong life, so that you can increase you good actions and pile them up, so they whiegh more than the world on the day of judgement.

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