Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife’s right in the night or day?

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Assalamualikum, I have got a serious question, please try to answer asap cos it is effecting my marrige  life.

My husband works during the day and in the night he goes out to see his friends and comes back nearly fajar time.  And cos of that we argue evey night, it is affecting us so much.

He says he needs his own time and he is fulfilling my right by feeding me, giving me a roof on my head even though its his parents house and clothing.

Is this the only right I have? Don't I have a right to companionship as well?

- ummaasiya

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12 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister in Islam,

    I am shocked and often astonished when I observe how some men out there treat their wives

    Of course you have the right of companionship. How dare your husband leave you alone

    until fajr? A muslim man has to be there for his wife, love her, spend time with her,

    give her physical love as well, compliment her, you may have some leisure activities both

    of you share like hiking, reading qu'ran, jogging etc. When two spouses get married, they

    are a lebas for one another, conceal each other's faults, keep each other warm, you are

    naked without him, he is naked without you. Your spouse in Islam is as essential as the

    garments you are wearing. You can't be without your garments. As a matter of fact, it is

    unacceptable that your husband goes out until fajr, at this time of night. Especially if

    he's working throughout the day, this would be the time he has to spend with his family

    or his wife. You have the right of regular sexual activity,too, so he deprives you of an essential

    right. I think you would already have the right to get divorced.

    Going out at night without the spouse is a major sin, what is he doing out there? At this time of night,

    people go clubbing, partying, celebrating.... all haram things. This doesn't mean two people have to

    cling to each other like two leeches without having any social contacts. No. There's nothing wrong

    with having Muslim or even non-Muslim friends with good morals, common friends, very often, it

    is useful and nice to have other couples as friends, spend some time together... but going out on

    your own at night without informing your Muslim wife, goes into the direction of the double life many

    Muslim men out there seem to have. In terms of earning money, providing for his family and

    giving you shelter, this is something you can take for granted. Marriage in Islam has a lot to

    do with love and compassion, it's not just a constant demanding of your rights. The way your

    husband treats you is not the way you treat your counterpart in marriage. Gain knowledge about

    your rights and the Islamic code of morals and ethics, and try to convey these values to your husband.

    If he accepts them, wonderful . And if he doesn't, well, then look for a man with Islamic values who

    has an understanding of good morals and akhlagh. You aren't a servant or a slave who has to tolerate

    everything and stays at home the whole night,until he returns for fajr from god knows where.

    You can tell him to stay at home, spend time with you etc. Islam says there has to be mawada

    (reciprocal love) and rahma(mercy) within a marriage. Otherwise the marriage is not going to last

    a lifetime.

    Insha allah your problem will be solved soon

    Jazakallah

    • Mashallah, beautiful and perfect response.

    • I love what you said. You said it all perfectly. Oh but one thing, you do not have to live with his parents if you do not want to. It states very clearly that you have the right to have your own home.

    • Masha Allah perfect reply.. I hav a doubt.. my husband gives me everything but sometimes when we spend our weekend with family friends my husband leaves me in their house n go out with his frnds and return home next morning... I personally hate it.. coz wen evr he does so he smokes along with his friends in my absence and wen he comes to roomi catch him through the smell... sometimes he doesn't smoke ... but still I don't like sleeping in somebody's house without my husband even if its our relatives house or friends.. plz guide me.. if m rong den I need to correct it... honestly it hurts me a lot wen evr he does so.

  2. I almost forgot to mention the most important aspect: He must provide a home of his own, where the two of

    you live. You don't have to live with his parents, you need your own space of privacy and intimacy.

    If a man can't afford a home of his own, he shouldn't get married until he can afford it.

  3. Salamualaikum sister,
    Do u have any idea y he might b doin this?
    Did he get forced into marrying u?
    If the man is not happy at home, he usually goes outside to find happiness, and pleasure if not offered at home.
    Is there a lot of stress at home, that is makin him go out, and stay out there so late.
    R u sure he's not having affair of some sort?
    WhaT he is doin is never unacceptable. Husband and wife should spend the night together.
    Make him sit down, and calmly ask him, if there is a problem that u don't know about.
    Tell him that what he is doin is wrong, and breaks ur heart to see him leave like tat.
    If he doesn't change, and if u have family arnd, go to ur parents house and tell him u need a break from him.
    Try to ask him first, wat is goin on in his head.
    He is married and he shouldn't b behaving like he's still a bachelor.
    You do not deserve this. If he doesn't change, take a break from him and show him how it feels, to get abandon.
    Inshallah he will become a better husband, and a proud parent.

  4. Salaams Sister,

    That behaviour is completely wrong and outrageous! I am so sorry for the anguish you are going through. That is not a proper married life at all. Don't his parents bother to say anything?

    He is acting like he's doing you a great favour by sustaining you financially when in fact that is a man's basic duty towards his wife. Since you live with his parents, they are providing the bulk of the support by housing you, so what exactly is he doing to cater for you? He also has other obligations towards you, as sister Jannah mentioned, in providing companionship and showing love. How long has this been going on? Has he ever tended to your emotional needs or has this always been the case?

    Everybody needs their own time and that's healthy for any relationship, but as above said, what kind of appropriate activities can he be doing all night? I'm sorry but this does not sound right at all. I'm sorry for speculating, but he could be having an affair. All men have needs no matter how horrible they behave, not just physical but emotional too and he may be getting these from elsewhere.

    He is just shutting you out, being dismissive and not even contemplating on how his behaviour is hurting you. You didn't get married to be treated like this!

    You must confront him once and for all and try and get some support involved if he refuses to listen and understand. I don't think his parents will be helpful since they should have already told him his actions are wrong.

    Don't let him fob you off and make a stand, if he is not going to treat you as a wife then give him an ultimatum. If you don't already have children, then keep it that way. A man I know of in my extended family does similar things and his way out of it was to distract his wife by getting her pregnant. Thus she had less time to target him and his behaviour. If a man doesn't respect his wife, he won't respect her any more even if she has his child.

    Take care

    Hopeful

  5. as-salamualaikum,
    agree with the other opinions. but do want to add my wisdom from experience of being with my husband for almost a decade. i can identify with what many of the sisters are going through as something that i have been through. i think sometimes some men do have very bad habits, and a very bad childhood. or they may just have been allowed to do everything immoral without a parent ever stopping them. this happens in some of our cultures and it is totally unislamic. the sons can go out late, lie, hit, curse, even yell at parents, stay up all day and night, no parent ever says anything to them. but the daughters are cursed at and treated badly. this is why when some of these boys get married, they still think the same. no accountability, plus they have developed a bad personality either out of childhood pain (like physical abuse), bad parenting, or the way they saw their father treating their mothers. i would say that yes the wife has to be pateint, but DO give him a chance and room to grow. for one thing, convince him to leave his parents home. you guys need your own private life. the next thing would be for you to make dua for him, and try to get counselling. tell him that you love him and miss him when he's out, how bout convince him to stay with you by cooking his favorite foods, dressing nicely, and having another honeymoon night? try to be more happy and fun to be around when he is home. you are going to give it atlerast a try. and yes, don't have babies yet. if after trying for a few months, he doesn't change, then okay you know in heart that you tried everything. unfortunately, a lot of our men are broken people because of the way they were raised. i do realize that there are people who are evil by nature, but who knows maybe your husband has a good heart which will lean towards the good once he learns what goodness is. be good to him, just love him as if he's an adoptd child with a bad past who needs lots of love, give him good company, talk about good people, have fun with him, make lots and lots of dua, and hopefully he has freinds or people who he looks up to who are good to their wives.

  6. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    I am sorry to hear about the problem with your husband. Understand that you absolutely have the right to complain and expect that your husband give you the time with him that you deserve. It is your right.

    This problem seems to go back to one of the questions I had for some of the sister's concerning culture and how some men and women are raised. It appears that in some cultures these things do happen even though it goes against the teachings in Islam.

    I agree with what everyone has said. Everyone needs their own time every once in a while. But what he is doing is no acceptable at all. You need to find a time and place to get him to sit down and clearly hear your concerns. Normally I would say give him examples of how Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) treated his wives, but it appears that he is not practicing as he should. Still give it a try. Let him know that you appreciate that you have a roof over you head and food to eat but that does not fulfill all of your right's as his wife. Let him know that you also need time together for fun and intimate time.

    Unfortunately these types of problems will continue to happen if within some of our Muslim countries we promote culture over religion. We have to do a much better job of teaching our young men and women the correct teachings within Islam. Each young man and woman who intends to get married must be taught his and her rights.

    This type of behavior has become an epidemic. It is not enough to have Islamic education in our weekend schools. Education needs to be promoted in the homes as well. If on going education does not happen in the home then we will continue to have women writing in with the same problems.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali
    IslamAnswers.com Editor

  7. As Salaamu Aleikum,
    I am in a similar situation and need advice.

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  8. Mr jannah i dont get it how can you advice a woman divorce her husband rather than telling her to sit together with her husband and talk nicely..i dont understand what islam are you talking about..do you even realise that because of what you uttered someones home can be destroyed..Allah hates the word talaq..do you even realise you brought shaytan between this sister and her husband..i have this same case and my wife thinks she must go court..I just want to ask that if a guy marrys a girl at an early age like 20 or 21 just to avoid ditching her and doing zina but it takes him time to leave all the bachealor habbits..his wife needs to understand..my wife doesnt wanna live with my family and we stay seperate where she has her mom with her..i come back from work at 6 and then spend time with my wife..then i go gym at 10 30 and finish gym at 12 and then i have to sometimes find parking which is really tough or else go and drop the car to my parents home as it is not my car which takes me time like 1 30 to reach home..on weekends i first take my wife out and spend time with her so we reach home at 12 or 1 and then i go out with my friends for 3 to 4 hours just on weekends..you even said at night people go clubbing and all..excuse me how can you judge a person just cuz he is going out at night..when i meet my friends we jus Sit and talk and laugh thats all.. I am really sorry mr jannah but you re spreading a wrong message 🙂 take care and fe iman ullah

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