My husband shows me no affection
My husband and I love each other very much but we have opposing personalities which is causing problems in our marriage. He is very much a loner and prefers his own company. I, on the other hand though not an extrovert like to have company and I especially crave his company.We live in an extended family and I spend all day with my in laws so look forward to my husband returning from work so that I can spend sometime with him.
My husband goes out early to work and usually comes back very late as he also lends his brother a hand at his takeaway. When he returns, all he wants to do is sleep or be on his own. If I sit with him while he is watching t.v at night he will change channels and put something boring like the news on so that I will get bored and go to bed. He will go out himself but wont take me out anywhere so I end up going places either on my own or with my sisters and brothers in law.
This is eating away at my self esteem as I feel like I am a burden on them so I sometimes shy away from going anywhere. My husband seems to think that by providing for me financially he has fulfilled his duty as a husband. He doesnt look at the emotional bond that is required by a husband and wife. Even in the bedroom I will have to approach him to make love.
I'm usually quite patient but once in a while things get on top of me because of the lack of emotion shown by my husband and I end up arguing with him and then we are both miserable for days on end. It is usually me who will take a step towards reconsiling because although he will remain miserable, his ego will get in the way of saying sorry. We don't have children and I wish we did because then at least some of my emotional needs would be fulfilled.
I tried telling him how I feel but it just goes in one ear and comes out the other. We have been married nine years and I'm now getting fed up and sometimes regret marrying him. But I also dread the thought of leaving him as I love him very much and I know in his own way he loves me too but our personalities are too different.
Please help.
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Assalamu Aleikum Sister,
I can fully understand the agony you are experiencing and the low self-esteem which results from
your husband's behaviour. You must feel neglected and left alone. Love and Sex in Islam aren't only a
means of showing love and affection to your spouse, but also an act of worship in the eyes of God.
You are lucky that you get on with your in-laws, although that's not the most important issue in Islam.
When two people get married, they marry each other and not the families. You mentioned that you
are spending time with your in-laws before he returns from work. I don't want to nitpick on every single
word, but normally, marriage is a bonding between two people and not two families( but that's not your
problem, so please forgive me).
It sounds very conspicuous and weird to me that your husband turns on the TV, watches something
"until you get bored" and then you go to bed. Girl, don't you notice anything????? He wants you to get
bored and then he goes to bed later. Hopefully he doesn't watch haram movies.
If he doesn't approach you physically, that's a bad sign Sister. Men are normally more prone to
sexual desire than women are and need it more often. The first possiblity and hopefully the wrong one,
is that he may give his attention to someone else.
The 2. option: Very often, parents fail to give their offspring hugs, kisses and even beat them. A lack of
affection and love leads to emotional frustration and later on, depression. People who didn't get affection
or don't seek the company of others, loners, are often very inhibited, shy and self-conscious. Someone
needs to break the ice. Very often, they are afraid of emotions because it makes them vulnerable.
If he is inhibited, and I hope that I'm right, you have to break the ice. But not by starting a discussion with
him. Men don't like discussions. It makes everything worse, believe me. Wear something extraordinarily
beautiful, embellish yourself for him, dance for him, and seduce him. Be pushy and intrusive, even if
he will do everything to push you away. Make him feel attracted to you. Force him to spend time with you,
force him to talk about feelings and emotions and explain to him that if he should push you away, you
will get your attention somewhere else. Be happy that you don't have children yet, the father of your kids
should be able to show emotions and love to his wife and insha allah his kids.
If you mean something to him, he has to take you seriously as his wife; Marriage is not a cultural
obligation, but the only way of companionship in Islam. Before you build a family, he has to be your
companion.
I wish you good luck Sister, may Allah open his heart for you and see the beauty and akhlagh of
his wife.
Jazakallah
Assalaamu alaikum sister Rukhshanda.
I am afraid I cannot offer concise advice as such. More of an insight, so I hope it will help you get more on his level InshaAllah and work towards getting him to open up to you slowly. (I am by no means blaming you or saying you don't do nice things, or that your husband is not at fault - but hes not the one writing in dear sister)
It is only natural that you have emotional needs and your husband has a right to fulfill these as well and not leave you prey to loneliness. At the same time, avoid hassling him or trying to force him into talking to you. A lot of men are naturally closed when it comes to feelings and pressing him too much at the wrong time just gets him agitated and he will completely close up on you. Dont ask him whats wrong etc.
Are you asking him/trying to speak to him after he comes home from work? It sounds old fashioned but avoid this. He is probably tired and maybe he had a bad day. I have worked full-time before in a place I didnt fit in and I often came back from work and wanted to be alone. Imagine doing that every day and then spending on your family. It is not easy for a man so appreciate this and let him know it. His lack of emotions may not be a reflection on you. So beautify yourself for him (if you are living with non-mahram - then obviously within islamic limits in front of them i.e. no perfume etc). If you cook for him, make sure his food is ready. Let him relax and give him space.
Yasir Qadhi has done some good lectures on the language of love - and it may be that you are just 'speaking different languages.' Different people show love in different ways so to him, his financial support may be his way of showing love?
If you do want to talk/spend time with him - you will have to pick a good moment. But from what you have said your husband feels awkward talking.. Men are more physical in general so this is one way of getting through to his heart InshaAllah.
Also my dear sister, look after yourself - be healthy and focus on your relationship with Allah swt. Take up an exercise if you can as well. If you feel more confident in yourself and with your self esteem, you should InshaAllah get a better response from your husband. Confidence is attractive.
Apologies that I could not offer more constructive advice.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Sister Sara could you send me the link for Yasir qadhi as I can not find it.Greatly appreciated.
Salaam sister Rukhshanda. Here is the main link for the site and as the link for an E-book.
http://www.LikeAGarment.com
http://www.likeagarment.com/ebook/
May they be beneficial to you InshaAllah!
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Sister I am being harsh here. But for Allah's sake. Be thankful to him that you have got such a good husband.
Yes fulfilling wife's emotional needs is important but believe me men don't know whatever is going on in woman's brain. Women do have to tell them and it takes a lot of physical/mental energy from a man to understand what our partner is saying. Sister, you are being ungrateful to your husband and to Allah (s.w.t.) by regretting that you married this man. It amazes me when sisters on this forum start saying that their husband cannot fulfill their emotional desires.
But for "Allah's sake" tell the poor guy what your needs are. Write to him and talk to him through islam, for this you need to study islam yourself also. It "kills a man" if he cannot fulfill any of his family's needs be it his wife/children. Sister, if he is brining home money and fulfilling your "shopping needs" he thinks he is keeping you happy. He does not know what bloody emotions are. You have to tell him. I mean give him a bloody break. How can he know about emotional needs if he has not been with another woman all his life except you?
Yes, a womanizer will definitely know, since he has been with a lot of women and through the trial and error methodology with his girlfriends he knows how to "treat" a woman. But a good muslim man, who has never been with a woman. How the heck he is suppose to know how to "treat" a woman or what emotional needs are. And this is a huge problem with our sisters in west. Since a man who has had many girlfriends he knows how to treat a woman and my "intelligent" sisters think that he knows how to treat a woman since he is so sweet and blah blah. For Allah's sake sisters open your eyes, a good muslim brother will not know about the "EMOTIONAL" needs. You'll have to tell him and explain it through islam. And the same goes for brothers that they have to tell their problems and issues to wives.
I hope it helps. But sister be thankful to Allah and help your husband understand your problem. Instead of assuming that he'll automatically understand.
regards,
As salamu alaykum, concerned,
I haven´t seen you so annoyed for a long time, I am glad you are expressing yourself, I would like to share with you a few points, that may enrichen your way to see this subject or may not, we´ll see, insha´Allah.
I agree with your main point here, the need of communication, Alhamdulillah, we don´t know what it is in others mind. But I don´t agree with your attitude to communicate that point and to the way you relate to the sisters, especially the "intelligent" ones, Alhamdulillah, I consider myself quite an ignorant human being full of imperfections, then I don´t feel touched by your harsh comment, Alhamdulillah.
It doesn´t have to be a man a "womanizer" to be able to know how to "treat" a woman, have you thought about the possibility of a man that has many sisters, or that grows between, mother, aunties, grandmother, ...
Emotional needs, concerned, those needs I don´t think have anything to do with western or eastern, it has to do with human needs, I agree with you too that nobody teach us what to do or to expect from the other person when we get married, and all of us, bring to marriage our own bag of doubts, insecurities, memories, patterns copied in our house, and we just live, day by day, trying to be our best, and Alhamdulillah, for those that are open to listen, share and improve, it is a difficult thing to open ourselves to others, even knowing they don´t know us, I admire deeply all this people that put themselves in a vulnerable position to listen what others think, and being exposed to be judged.
Do you know that a baby needs caring, touching as much as food for a straight development of his nervous system? Have you noticed that when a couple love each other, their main food is the love they feel for each other? We need love, we need to be loved, we need to share love, and the person with whom we have the right to show our Love in the most deep, intimate, caring, respectful way is our spouse, and this is a human need. Maybe just a nice word, or touch a cheek, or a hand or a kiss in the neck or whatever you can think of, a simple, intimate look into the eyes, and that is enough. Just listen all that she wants to say and tell her do you want me to solve it, or you just want me to listen, if you need me I am here, these are simple and effective tips, you don´t need to understand everything, many times just being is enough.
I think you ask too much of yourself, you are a wonderful man with a soft Heart, Alhamdulillah, but you need to ease the heavy weight you are carrying on your shoulders, only Allah(swt) is perfect and beyond perfection, Alhamdulillah.
Please, be patient with all of us simple human beings full of imperfections, insha´Allah, and don´t be so tough on yourself, insha´Allah.
It is always nice to listen to you, even when you feel so dissapointed, I am really glad to listen to you, you always have something positive to offer, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Maria, that is ever so truthful about human beings. The need to love and beloved.
My beloved Sister UmmSarah,
Take for granted my Love for you, Alhamdulillah.
From my Heart to your Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Maria, thank you for that.
I felt the same when I read the comment by 'Concern', but didnt quite know how to put it into words.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My beloved Sister Z,
You have been my voice other times and I am sure you will be again in the future, insha´Allah.
Jazak Allahu Khayran.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualikkum Maria,
Very very very true said Maria !!! ' Concerned ' here never considered a woman's feelings but only said some possiblities tht could b in a man. Am such a victim of similar situation...those who go through this pain only would know the depth of it. COmmunication among spouses is a good means but it will benefit only who r willing to hear it. My post is yet to publish....am eagerly waiting each day what suggestion my brothers and sisters here got to give me before i take a big step in my life.
I respect u Maria..... for opening up the feelings that r in a woman no matter wht nationality, east or west . Feelings are all the same in a way for everyone. Concerned should have just thought that like a man entering into his marriage is his first encounter with a woman, the same is with a woman too. We enter into a marriage with dreams of love, that love which we cannot get from our home. A woman is never put into a marriage for the sake of fulfilling her financial needs but for her emotional needs. The same is the case with man too...i hope.
May Almighty givve us enough strength and make it easy to take a right decision in our life!!!
Walaykum as salam, chins,
When we, men and women,will be able of realizing the power of the union of a man and a woman that are well rooted, first in their love, respect and submision to Allah(swt) and second in their love, respect and submision to each other, then we will see how everything around them prospers, flourish, even in the hardest times, you will see shine around them, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah.
A man sees what a woman cannot see, and a woman sees what a man cannot see, both of us together back with back have a vision of 360º , isn´t this a blessing ? Our differences enrichen us and Alhamdulillah, put us under test, today and tomorrow too, Alhamdulillah we can be tested, and we are tested, that is the only way to get and fulfill our purpose in life, Alhamdulillah.
This are just some thoughts. Thank you for inspiring me. Jazak Allahu Khayran.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-alekum,
Sister its good that you also agree that communication is the key here and perhaps in any relationship. Yes nobody will be touched the way I have harshly written. But just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean to belittle anybody. In retrospect I should have removed the "intelligent" word.
Yes I did think about sisters, but didn't write the point since some men don't have sisters or are not brought up with them. "Womanizer" was an extreme use of word to convey a point, but the point is a man who 'talks or moves' around with women and get emotionally involved with them.(not talking about professional capacity or daily needs etc.)
To the emotional needs points(baby needing touch of mother etc.), I totally agree. And I think I have repeatedly said previously that to get this need fulfilled their is a need for communication between husband and wife. But the problem is, money and resourcefulness is 'god' in today's world. Many sisters will not marry a man who is not earning 'good enough' money. Therefore men focus more on money and less on emotions. If a poor guy will get some break from running after money he can think of "emotions". But then again he has to balance between the two as he cannot fill the stomachs with emotions.(From filling stomach,please do read my reply to Brother Abdul Wali's post)
[quote]
Please, be patient with all of us simple human beings full of imperfections, insha´Allah.
[/quote]
Thanks for the sarcasm JazakAllah Khair
Thanks for the encouragement about writing and having a good view about me. Though I am nothing. JazakAllah Khair.
regards,
Walaykum as salam, concerned,
Thank you very much for replying, please don´t think my words were sarcastic, you have high standards for me, I highly appreciate your thoughts, your heart, your knowledge and your insights normally(well, even when you are annoyed) are very good to me, I am extremely conscious of my ignorance, Alhamdulillah, and I am talking from my Heart.
Please forgive that I don´t make a proper use of the language sometimes, english is not my first language.
Well, if you move the word "intelligent" you may include me in the bag of sisters, someway this is an honour, anyway going to the point, the kind of man you talk about "womanizer" I call them predators, and, for sure, they are dangerous people and can hide themselves through the least expected mask, then we shouldn´t fall in the act of judging the sisters that get involved with this kind of people, because they are masters of many "dark" arts and even the most pious, religious woman can fall if the "right" one put an eye on them, then the only protection here is just Allah(swt), we are touching here scary fields. It is not easy to smell them and how do you tell your daughter about them, how do you prevent your sister about them, they seem to have everything a woman wants in a man, at the begining, but at the end they are just predators, once the hunting is done, the work is done, they don´t care about emotions or damage or others suffering, they want just a new prey. Alhamdulillah, they are a minority and I hope it remains like that, insha´Allah.
About the emotional need, when a person touchs other, in our case a mahram the ones we are allowed to touch, we stablish a bond and the physical contact stablishes a bond between spouses, that is why a woman that has sex with a man feels she loves him inmediately(some exeptions), because for a woman to have physical contact is a sublime way of showing her love towards her spouse, this is why is so important that a woman keeps herself till she gets married, and that is why is so important little details, you don´t need your wife to tell you, kiss me before you go to work, or hug me because I missed you, or hold hands or put the arm over the shoulder when you go out, little details,( in extreme cases like in this one, we will have to tell it, as you mention, in this case communication is the root, and I am not referring only to verbal communication, physical too ) but I realized many men needs to be trained in the art of being loving to their wives, and this is a tough work because at the begining rejection can hurt deeeeply and make strong wounds, but if the wife knows the process she will have sabr, she will forgive and with Allah(swt) help her husband will be more affective, insha´Allah, then just being patient and ,little by little, we´ll sychronised the needs.
I´m talking too much already, but still one point left behind, money, this is a tough one, you know what a woman that gives so much importance to the money should get the man she deserves, a man with money. But not all the woman are like that, I am afraid I´ve listened to some cases, but they need to learn about priorities and they are being tested too, then no way to judge them. They have their own trial.
You know last Ramadan, when I was eating dates to break the fasting, one day I realized, the structure of a date is in the exterior a body with a hat, a muslim man, if you open the date from hat to the end you see a veil covering the seed, the seed covered by the veil is the muslimah, every man has the seed of his woman inside of himself, I have more thoughts about it, but enough for today. With this I want to show you the depth of a relationship between man and woman, if money is a issue for the spouses, that is their test, Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) worries about them, they are being tested.
I don´t have a cent, but if you ask me I am the wealthiest woman of the world and the man that is waiting for me may not have a cent, but will be the wealthiest man of the world, insha´Allah.
Please forgive me for this essay, and take it with a grain of salt those are just my personal thoughts, thank you very much for giving me the opportunity of sharing my thoughts and for paying attention to them.
And yes, I reinforce what I said, it is always nice to listen to you, Alhamdulillah.
Jazak Allahu Khayran.
Barak Allah Feekum.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakAllah Khair Sister Maria. May Allah bless you.
regards,
Assalamu'alaikum,
Concerned, let's not be so harsh. All the sister has asked for is some quality time with her husband. It is her right to expect that they do things together as husband and wife. If he is tired during the week and he works long hours that is understandable. But when he has some down time then it is his duty as a man and husband to give her the rights she is due.
Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) always gave his wives their time. He spent time with them, played, did chores around the house. He is the example that Muslim men should be following. This sister is not being unreasonable.
She also stated that she has tried talking to her husband concerning her feelings but it fell on deaf ears. I think she should continue talking to him about it. I don't think that she should confront him as soon as he gets home from work but they do need to set aside time to address her concerns.
Being a Muslim husband is much more than providing financial support. That by itself does not make you a good husband. He must lead the family with Islamic guidance too. He should spend time with his wife and children. He should also set aside time just to talk, go out for dinner or for a walk with his wife.
So please, when we are giving advice let's make sure we read carefully the persons post to ensure that we don't miss anything. This way we can avoid being harsh when it's not warranted.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualikum Wali....you too said the right terms of a husband wife relation. Thankz !!!
Assalam-Alekum,
Brother Abdul-Wali, please, when we give example of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) i.e. how he was able to support his wives emotional needs, then the wives of the prophet Muhammad(s.a.w.) lived in whatever good or bad situation was there for them, and in today's standards it was pretty 'bad'. Today, it is a problem for sisters to move with their husband, what to talk about hardships.
Brother you said:
"Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) always gave his wives their time. He spent time with them, played, did chores around the house. He is the example that Muslim men should be following."
Fine tell a muslim man that his duties are to fulfill wife's emotional needs as well as her physical needs. But ask any wife, if she is ready for her husband to cut back on his income, move to a smaller apartment and live a life of today's poor man, for satisfaction of emotional needs. Most of the time answer will be no.
I think "Financial Support" is really relative term. If a sister will write today that my husband is not able to put proper food on the table, since he does not have enough money or something.Or he keeps me in a combined family since he cannot afford a separate house/apartment, which causes me emotional trauma. What will most of us say. "Oh! sister your husband should fulfill all your physical needs and if he can't then a wife has right to ask for it" (or in other words make his life a living hell by asking him to find a separate home even though he can't afford it). But then look at this hadith and tell me isn't our sister getting much better deal.
Narrated `Aisha(r.a.)
"The family of Muhammad had not eaten wheat bread to their satisfaction for three consecutive days since his arrival at Medina till he died."
Sahih Bukhari
Sure we should all strive to follow Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) life. But yes when a wife asks her husband to follow Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) is she really following life of Ummahatul-Momineen? Similarly when a husband tells his wife that Mother Aisha(r.a.)/Mother Khadija(r.a.) did this and that he should open his big mouth once he has looked at himself, whether he is fulfilling the physical/emotional and any other need on Allah's beautiful planet or not. I am not saying that we should be perfect before asking anything from our loved ones or husbands. I am saying that husband/wife should balance their demands with what they are pouring in the relationship. Full stop
regards,
Assalamualaikum sister
I am surprised the way you tried to make this sister feel that she is unthankful....May be you havent experienced this ever that how much it hurts when you dont receive attention from your husband...
And subhanAllah the way you portrayed a good muslim man...........an unromantic and boring guy.....a good muslim man would always be nicer to his wife because he knows that "best out of you are those who are good to their wives"
Alhamdulilah I know brothers who are so loving to their wives. Women are easy to pleased too. A little attention and few words of love go very far..
Peace
Salam Sister,
Its brother not sister.
"And subhanAllah the way you portrayed a good muslim man...........an unromantic and boring guy"
Never said it.
My point is simple, the middle way is best in all aspects of life. And when we use Islamic knowledge to ask for our rights from our loved ones. We should also look at ourselves if we are ready to give them all their rights in islam or not.
If a wife thinks that her emotional needs are not fulfilled due to less time from her husband. She should tell her husband that put less time on your job or business and come back home early so that we can spend some quality time. She should also make it clear to the husband even if less income means lower living standards of physical life, she is happy since its fulfilling her emotional needs. But then she should be ready to face the problems which might arise due to lower income(in present and in future) and should not complain to her husband about it.
I hope it helps.
regards,
Thankyou all for replying to my post it is greatly appreciated.There is a lot of constructive advice there and I will try and follow it as much as possible. with regards to brother Concerns comments I will try and take on board as much as I can to be a better wife but I am by means an ungrateful person.By todays standards I live a very simple life.I have lived with my husbands family for nine years and not once made a demand to live on our own,I don't drive and I don't shop unnecessarily.My husband pays for my food and clothes which I am very greatful for but these things pale into insignificance when the person you are meant to live with for the rest of your life barely says two words to you. I don't know if you are married but the whole purpose of marriage is to grow together.When a conversation or action becomes one sided life becomes meaningless you can't move forward.We don't have children but that doesn't mean our life has to finish.A smile,a joke can make someones day and that's all I'm asking for nothing else.
As salamu alaykum Sister Rukhshanda,
I owe you my apologies for giving such generalized thoughts in your posts, you have received many deep insights from the brothers and sisters, then what it is only left for me to say it is to thank you for sharing your life experience, giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts and, for reassuring, that there are many sisters that worry and care deeply for their husbands, because your question even being because you need him to show love, you worry by him not showing love, and I know for sure, that you will do everything in your hand to help him and yourself to achieve a balance between your needs and your limits, with Allah´s (swt) help, insha´Allah.
My only advice here is to go very slowly, think about the situation like an elastic gum, with heat you will be able to extend it, but if you apply to much heat it will break, and don´t loose hope when goes to the original shape, just keep trying a little bit everyday, and give it a rest here an there to see how it is changing, always keep your trust and faith in Allah(swt), He (swt) will guide you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAsnwers.com Editor
Sister Rakshanda,
Alhamdulillah that you were reading. When I was writing the reply to your message, I was including many other points which I came across on this website. And was trying to kill three or four birds with one post :-).
Sister let me apologize first but I hope you understand that where I was coming from. I was talking to Muslim sisters in general and it was not targeted at you(except some points). You don't become annoyed with someone you don't care. You become annoyed with someone you care and yes I care about people.
Sister, May Allah put love in both your and your husband's heart for each other. (Perhaps its already there) and may it become visible to both of you, so that both of you are not worried. Also, May Allah bless you with a happy child(inshaAllah).
regards,
Thankyou and there is no need to apologise.Yours and all the other brothers and sisters kind words have been a source of inspiration and renewed confidence for me.I thank Allah that there are still kind people out there who you can share your feelings with.
Sister Sara I would be grateful if you could send me the link for Yasir Qadhi as I can not find it.Thankyou.
I think the hard part about this situation is that you cannot force anyone to act a certain way or to cause them to choose a certain way. Everyone chooses for themself. This is the challenge of human relationships and of marriage relationships in particular.
In this case, it seems that your husband is unwilling. He seems to be a good man in many ways, but the fact is that he is unwilling on these matters, and you can never force him to be willing. So the only thing you can do is to tend to your own actions and thoughts, and if need be, grieve for and come to accept what you may never be able to enjoy, but praise Allah for his will. If you continue to honor your husband, to love him, to tell him you appreciate all that he does (he has to know! he will be destroyed if you only see failure in him), if you sit next to him while he watches tv and not worry either way what is on except maybe to smile at him . . . if you do all these things and the other good things you do as a wife, then you will know inside yourself that you have done right, and you can respect yourself before Allah.
It would seem to me that if he cannot or will not listen to you and your requests, then discussing or requesting or talking further is not ever going to be effective. Grieve and accept that part of your needs are always going to missing (and enjoy your friendships with your sisters, etc), and be grateful for what you do enjoy in your marriage and in your life, and be willing to understand and see beyond his actions and why he might be the way he is. That's easy for me to say, harder to do, I know. It hurts a lot to think of living a life this way. It might mean that you are stronger than he is. But staying close to Allah in all our life problems is sometimes all we can do.
As salaamu alaikum
dear sisters even i am going through the same problem with my husband... my in laws my husband no one understands me for everything they will keep on blaming me i dont know what to do just i can have patients n tawakkul on Allah s.w.t but now its going over limits... my in laws r misusing my silence n my husband just listen to them without justifying am alone .... last yr in august we got married n with dis one yr i have suffered a lot... no one console me n understands my emotions... they all balme me telling that bcuz of me they r going poor, i had 2 miscarriages even for that they balme me... i really dont understand how to over come my problem.... from beginning i always try to communicate my husband when der is some misunderstandings but he never listen to me... am confused as what to do am not much mature to handle dis conflict.. This is eating away at my self esteem as I feel like I am a burden on them . My husband seems to think that by providing for me food he has fulfilled his duty as a husband. He doesnt look at the emotional bond that is required
Zafreen, please log in and write your question as a separate post and we will advise you, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam alaikum
I can relate to this post very well. My husband and I had a love marriage. We've berm married 4 years alhamdulillah. We've been through so many ups and downs in life but always followed through because we loved each other. But lately, my husband has become quite detatched emotionally. He's neer really been a romantic but he used to be sweet. He gets angry quickly. Shows no passion, gets frustrated with me to a point where I was trying to play with him, he said I was irritating. I know he isn't having and affair or anything as he doesn't have time. I crave for kind words, but all I seem to get is demoralising criticism. I've spoken to him about it. But it doesn't seem to seep in. It's beginning to affect the bedroom as well as there is little or no foreplay involved. And no emotion. He's begun to disrespect me in public by shouting. I love him. But I don't love this.
As alam wa alykum ,
May Allaj help us all sisters to be happy,content,faithful,loving,respectful and have the understanding that we all hope for in our husbands and vice versa....
These days I think we always ask for too much and not just get on with it, we observe how one of us are,and criticise with no thinking of what can be the consequences later on in our relationships.
It is easier to blame each other, rather than find a solution to make it ok...it's easier to just sometimes walk away when you can always fight for what you we given by Allah in the first place. Marriages were made in heavens already set for this world,just we never knew who and so when we get married we should except the good and bad,the ups and downs,balancing is the art of a good marriage.....if one of argue then definitely the other should not,better to just say fine..it's ok,leave it. Right? If one of us does not show the emotional love that he once use to then why not you show him the way,begin the night with a romantic gesture,a hint,show him a few things that he can remember back to that time perhaps, men generally have a lot of pressure so it's understandable that in the time of our prophet it has changed and more changes will happen,demands are greater,so less the demand the better ....if he does not show,inshallah he will whe you start again the love towards him,the sweet gestures and so on, how can he not resist? Unless he is having an affair which you don't know and Inshallah this will never be the case.
In a marriage many things change,many reasons,work,family,inlaws,children,pressure from friends,family,these are possibilities and if they are not then maybe he is just getting older,wiser,and tired and knows you are his wife,he loves you,nothing changed because you are there...you are his wife after all... It's most probably nothing at all...the love is inside and with some men they really don't like to be ll over all the time, this is also normal...sometimes a gap it's much stronger,much more exciting,and makes the bond stronger.
So ..after reading this I pray even I help myself to these ideas whilst typing away,because possibly something here will also help me and m husband inshallah ameen along side with others too....
Take care sister and inshallah everything will be fine in time.
Hi Sister
Salam. Its reallly sad to know your story. Mine is the same. I tried and tried but in vain. You can not change the nature of a man. I thought the same had a kid and expected that things would become better but they are gone worst. I can say that that sort of pain is unbearable. I am thinking to get khullah because living life in such a pain is like committing suicide and that is haram in Islam.
wow, nine years and no children, doesn't that say a lot about the marriage?
In this case perhaps, but there's isn't always a connection. Sometimes loving couples end up without children. It's in Allah's hands.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam. My husband doesn't like to take me out with him. I'm really worrying about that. Whole day I'm staying at home. I feel to go out with husband but he doesn't. Just only 6 months I got married. He loves me alot but not taking me out anywhere. I hate this life if i go out with my hubby and spend time with him I 'll feel I'm very happy.
What should I do ? Plz give a best suggestion. Jazakallah khairan