Her mother refuses to meet me!
Marriage Proposal
Salaam,
I'm a late 30-something revert to Islam who is divorced with a teenage son. I have a good job and salary, I'm well educated and consider myself a good, honest decent Muslim. Three years ago I met a lovely muslim woman in her early-thirties who has never been married. We are good friends and we would like to get married.
About one year ago I proposed marriage to her, she agreed but since then her mother (father not around) is refusing to meet me because I'm divorced and have a child, and I'm also not from their ethnic group. It's a little frustrating- as you can see from our ages we are not kids and feel her mother is being rather unfair. We aren't getting any younger and want to have kids so time is of the essence. Some time ago she agreed to meet me but then changed her mind. My friend doesn't want to get married without her mother's blessing, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
-GB4214
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My best advice to you is get her mothers approval, I understand the need to get married as soon as possible. You should also see if her mom is not gonna accept you due your ethnic background, it would be difficult since your both different ethnic backgrounds. I know culture plays a huge role so the mothers not to fond of what the people would think you know? Cultural society she's from, so she's worried if you would be good to her daughter. I would if I was you ask your friend if her mother would be upset if you came to her home bought flowers talked to her mom. If you really want this girl bond with her mother so she can see what a good person you are.
From family experiences I have a family member married to Hispanic women who converted but it took the family due to cultural society ten years to accept her, and now there happy have kids but people frown upon the idea if that makes sense for some people culture plays a big part so I would just get the mothers approval, hope it work out inshallah.
Salam,
This doesn't sound like the kind of advice I would normally give on this side, but judging by your character and level of maturity and age, I would say try for a bit, but if her mother doesn't approve, then just go ahead and get married as nicely as possible, keeping invitations open the whole way. Make sure the mom always has the premium invitations and things to everything concerning your wedding. Make sure you have someone though to stand in, in case she doesn't show... if it's like a "role" she must play at the wedding like in American weddings where we have the maid of honor and so forth.
You two are in your thirties. I don't care if she's been married or not... she's in her 30's and it's not fair to ask her not to get married at her age when she is at the dusk of childbearing ability. You ARE both adults, and if you are educated and well off then make sure you make her life as comfortable as possible and understand her side of the family may take a while to come around.
Go ahead and get married! I encourage you both to do it. You're right... her mother isn't being fair to either of you. It's a cultural issue, not an Islamic one and she has no right to keep you two from marriage unless there's something about you that we all don't know.
Salam,
S Stacy
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Difficult indeed is your situation but I pray that you will insha'Allah find success. Denying a proposal simply based on ethnic background is wrong but it is also possible that her mother may have some more reasons apart from this as you've said that she has problems about you being divorced and have a teenage son, but still its her daughter who wish to marry, it maybe possible that she wants best for her daughter. Parents usually toil in the best interest of their children, and their decisions are to prove this as well. Parents examine areas of compatibility in order to be able to give their consent to the most suitable partner. Anways you can still try your best to convince some other member of that girl's family. Like try talking to her uncles or aunties or cousins etc and convince them of your honest intention to marry that girl. They might perhaps talk to her mum. Basically, try to finds all ways and approach that girl's mum indirectly, if directly is not possible. If possible, try getting your parents or family or relatives involved and never handle this situation all by yourself as this will portray you in a negative sense and make you less trust worthy, infact its important to have your family involved because that girl was never married and so her mum/family is worried and wants best. Marriage is also a union of two families, this is to have supports at times of need and etc. Try your best bro.
If all efforts fail, and that girl wishes to marry you, then there is no sin on her to go against her mum's wish, its just that it is part of honouring one’s mum and treating her kindly to ask for her permission (though not a requirement for nikah) and seek her approval, because that will most likely keep their relationship fruitful. Note that, even if that girl wishes to go against her mum's wish, there is still and obstacle between you both to marry and that is ' she needs a wali (guradian) '. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali (guardian).” ( Abu Dawood , al-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majaah) And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” ( Ahmad, Abu Dawood and Tirmidhi ). Our Prophet (saws) said, "A woman may not give a woman in marriage, nor may she give herself in marriage, for the immoral woman is the one who gives herself in marriage." (Tirmidhi). Therefore, that girl can never marry you without her wali's permission. Normally her wali is her father, but since you said that her dad isn't available, her wali now shifts to the next senior male member of her family like her grandfather or unlces or cousins, and if none of them are available at all then finally an Imam can act as her wali. If/when you reach this stage then do your best to acheive a successfull marriage with the blessing of Allah insha'Allah and do your best to make her mum happy by any means so that she will insha'Allah accept you both wholeheartedly. But again the blessings and approval of that girl's mum is indispensable, so both of you must put lots of efforts to acheive this.
Finally, Perform salat al Istikhara, so that Allah may guide you and do your Islamic duties, make lots of dua's and repentance and ask Allah for mercy and blessing. May you prosper.
Assalamualaikum
As the brother above me has pointed out that her Mother cannot be the wali, so the girl needs a wali.
i) Who is her Wali, brother, uncle, cousin? Probably somebody who can be trusted by her mother.
2) The girl and yourself should talk to the wali and then request him to make a case for you in front of the mother.
From limited experience of such cases, I can think of following fears that the mother might have. The Wali needs to first understand why the mother is denying the proposal and then calm her fears.
i) She is still hoping that her daughter may find a more suitable match.
2) She is too dependent on her daughter and fears she may go away and leave her without any support.
3) She is fearful that the relatives may look down upon them for letting her daughter marry an already married man with a kid. (if the daughter has no objection then she should have either).
The wali may not be successful by adopting a logical approach presenting Islamic reasons. Rather he should appeal to the emotions of a mother, as every mother wants to see their kids happy.
May Allah simplify your problem and make your ordeal go away.
Salaam,
Thank you all of you for taking the time to respond to my message. You all have valid points and make excellent sugestions, I'll be sure to think carefully before my next move.
Jazakallah Khair