Abusive cheating father and violent brother
Assalamu alaykum,
I'm sorry before hand that its really long but I could do with some advice on a number of situations.
I'm a 19 year old Pakistani girl living at home with my parents and three brothers, I will try and start from life as I was small.
My mum, dad and me are born in Pakistan but my dad has lived in England most his life wheres as my mum has not. After they got married and had me they moved to England. My mum's life in pakistan with the inlaws was terrible. But my dad being brain washed by his parents turned worse when he came to England, as would physically and mentally abuse my mother which led to her depression after my youngest brother.
When my youngest brother was couple of months old, my mum was 26 and was forced by my dad to have the operation to stop having babies. He thought 4 children were enough. After beatings and arguments my mum went ahead. In year 5, I was approached by a girl who told me she knew my dad, he was a taxi driever and that he had another wife and child. At the time I laughed and thought she was crazy even at my young age but she was adament it was true. I told my mum straright away and I was later in the week approached by my dad who said yes it was true. My mum had known and people on our street also knew as the place we lived is small.
My aunties and uncles would approach me to ask me details on the other sibling etc and I wouldnt know much of it so they were agitated most of the time. Then he had another boy with the women. Later my mum told me how she it was a girlfriend not a wife. He would sleep at the woman's house up to a week but my mum never left. As I got older I would stand in between the arguments so that he would not touch her, or if he did, I would pull him off her while balling my eyes out. As my brothers who are teenagers also got bigger they would also help me out. We wouldnt ever talk to my dad unless spoken to, but then I would hate myself for feeling sorry for him as he was on his own.
He would bring my stepbrothers home to visit us and my treated them lovingly as they were their own children. Now I know everything and have helped my mum to not take the crap. My mum has become stronger and she says she will leave if anything else takes place as my dad knows we take my mum's side as shes brought us up. My dad has always seemed a stranger.
My dad recently said he's going to bring my step brothers to live with us permanantely. My mum is distraught as my dad has not asked her but approached us children first for some reason, my mum has no say in anything. I hate my dad so much at times that I will scream at my mum to leave and then feel disgusted at what I did. On top of this my brothers seem to have become so aggressive that they have ended up calling me wh***, sl**, b**** etc. My brother who is one year younger than me has punched me and beat my other two brothers so badly, told my mum to shut the f*** up.
I really don't know if I can handle it any more. I have thought about running away, even commiting suicide because tension in my house goes so bad with my brothers that my mum will start crying and wishing upon death. I have no confidence left, college isn't going well and my brothers have stopped listening to my mum.
Please help me on what should I do with my dad. My brothers and my mum, we have no life, its all just arguments one after the other and with my dad total silence. And I don't think I can take it. I stay up to hours in my room crying and thinking how shall I handle things as my mum looks to me for advice and help and I'm stuck. I've been brought up so dependent on others due to being so protected that I can't take the next step forward, as I always stop and think how it will affect my mum.
I don't know how to handle the situations on my dad's girlfriend and kids, my mum becoming depressed and my brothers becoming like my dad!
~Shamila-a
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U can email me . inshAllah i will help u in this prob. my email is ****
(Email address deleted by Editor)
Brother,
I asked you once before to refrain from posting your email address on this site and you just did it again. What is your intention behind doing this? If you are sincere, you will give advice publicly on this website and not feel the need to do so in private.
For this reason, I am going to put you on moderated status.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry for this painful situation you are. You said: 'I don't know how to handle the situations on my dad's girlfriend and kids, my mum becoming depressed and my brothers becoming like my dad!'
You, my dear little sister are not responsible for changing other people and the way they behave. Your mother is the one who needs to be making some bold decisions here, but she is unfortunately too broken to do so. So many women write into this website telling us of the abuse they are suffering by their husbands and many times they convince themselves that they are staying in the marriage for the sake of the children. But, no. 'You' are evidence that these women are doing 'wrong' by their children by staying in the abusive home.
You think you are weak, but you are not. Instead you are a strong, intelligent young woman who has allowed herself to speak up and question the abuse. You have raised questions in your mind and you have come here seeking practical advice - this is very brave and very wise of you and this is a very positive step forward.
Suicide is not the answer sister, this is a major sin. There is always a better way forward, but it may take some effort on your part. Effort which I know you can make, because you made the effort to come her and seek help. I want you to speak to your mother in private and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Tell her that you cannot live like this anymore and that you want atleast for you both to move away together otherwise you will do so. Let her know the severity of how you are feeling, that you feel suicidal. Also tell her that you will call the Police next time anyone becomes physically or verbally abusive again in your home. In the meantime, do you have any relatives you can move in with?
You mentioned that you live in England. I do not know which area you are in, but if you are in London, you can contact: http://nour-dv.org.uk/islamic-advisors/ or this one is in Glasgow and Dundee http://www.mwrc.org.uk/ They are very good organisations that will give you practical and legal information on how to deal with such situations.
Your mother may not be willing to listen to you at first Sister, but please do not feel discouraged by this. Just keep trying with her and at the same time please contact the above organisations insha'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sister, the tensions in your family are beyond control, and your are still young but suicide wont take you anywhere you must fight for yourself, remember Allah is with you at all times and that in itself is a reason to live on.
Watching your mother being hurt is a hard site to handle for the oldest of people, and you are so young, in all of this your fathers mistakes have led to your current family state, and you cant live like this, its is good to see you take your mums side and you should carry on, in this hard time she needs someone to hold her up, as for your younger brothers treatment of you all, he has suffered the consequence of being bought up without a strong father figure, and sadly he wont get any better until he has stability in his life.
Your mum looks to you, its much to ask from a young girl, but its time to turn that sadness, the pain, crying and dependency into belief, fight and resistance, first of all you have to be positive, it seem impossible but look your still alive and you can make a change, your father seems to be doing his own thing, discard his value for now, and focus on your mum and brothers, you can bring your family together with the help of Allah.
when you think of crying just hold back the tears, raise you hands and ask Allah to guide you and remove your pain, get your family together and sit down, you need to all agree your fathers mistake and infidelity have cost your family, and none of you are to blame, that is your common ground, establish that you brothers and sister need to support your mum and eachother through this tough time, always maintain that all this will eventually clear and you will live normal lives again, always be positive, since negativity wont get you anywhere.
Pray and keep at it, the benefits and status of praying is magnificent, you feel so strong and driven after namaaz, its at these moments you can get your family together, its in your hands i have every faith that you can make a difference and get everyone together, remember Allah is always on your side, so how can you ever fail if you try hard enough, if you fail at uniting everyone and stopping the fighting first time, keep going until you succeed, you must help your mum and bring your family together, but keep faith in Allah and you will do it.
Your fathers other children and his girlfriend are not your responsibility, you, your brothers and mother hurdle together and look out for one another, your father wont be able to break you, and the matter in regards to him will slowly swing to your benefit because all of you will share your mothers opinion and hence your father will be left without a leg to stand on, your mum needs help and in terms of emotion that will be in your hands, stay strong for her, and i admit it will become a bit much sometimes, go for a cry, but come back and keep going, its upto you kid and i know you can do it, because you care and if theirs something worth fighting for and you care about it, then your bound to succeed eventually.
Your young, but take my advice and insha'Allah you will succeed in getting your family back together, keep faith in Allah and he will guide you, keep us posted of how it goes, and if you need any other help or support then please just ask, and i will be happy to assist.
Practically speaking, I liken this to a war. You have a major war going on here on several fronts. Every one who is oppressed and in a war needs allies. The problem is that you, your mom, and your brothers have no allies. Even Prophet Muhammad had an army.
I'm assuming that your aunties and uncles, if they were concerned before, would help now if they could. Is there some reason they haven't helped or would that make more mess? If so, please follow Sister Z's advice and contact those people who can be your allies. You definitely need help from a third party. I'm assuming that for some reason, you and your mom can't go live somewhere else for awhile, like with relatives? That would help if the relatives would just let you stay there without interfering.
Please, contact the people Sister Z recommended. Please encourage your mother to read the Qur'an so she will know she should not be a victim. You both have to take charge. But you need allies, so call those people.