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I am the second child of my parent's 5 children. Me and my brother were born in Bangladesh and came to live in England when i was 4 years old. The first time i went back to Bangladesh was a couple of months before my 19th birthday.

when in Bangladesh, there was a lot of talk about my marriage, a lot of proposals and a lot of "viewings". Being naive and washed away with the excitement of meeting new relatives i really did not take any of it seriously. Until  one was agreed on and the date of my marriage was fixed. My mother came and spoke to me about it and i was too shocked to say anything. i finally decided to speak to my older brother about it as there was no one else for me to talk to. i told him of my fears and objections. my groom was ten years older than me and also from back home.

i had no objection for him being from back home as it was the trend of the time. A lot of my friends had gotten married back home and also some to their cousin, for which i was glad of. my objection was that he was a lot older than me and because we were from two different parts of the world, how will he adjust to the British lifestyle. there was bound to be cultural conflict. my brother assured me that this was not going to happen. he genuinely liked the guy and thought he was best for me. I thought " okay, i have faith in my brother and also Allah." i agreed. But then something happened. it all started going wrong.

I wasn't involved in any of the preparation to the wedding. It was a foreign country to me and there was no one for me to talk to. I went along with everything they said to me. From how to sit and how to eat, to how to talk. Everything.

A week before my wedding me and my sister over heard my mum speaking to my gran about me. What she was saying was not good. My mum was saying that she did not believe that this marriage would last. She did not think that i was capable of make a go off any marriage. It was her duty as a mother to get their daughter married off and that was what she was doing. She said that I did not have looks or skills to keep a husband. I was not worthy of anyone spending so much money on a wedding, so i should appreciate what they give me. she did not think that this man would be able to love me.

That was it for me. I mean what kind of a mother thinks like that of her daughter. What was i worth. Is that what a mother did to her daughter. I cried myself to sleep that night. My sisters were with me but being 6 years younger than me they did not know what to say apart from giving their shoulder to cry on. That night i vowed to myself that i would do my damnedest to make this marriage work. I won't let go or give up easily. This was my life and i would make it happy with my new family. I would prove to my mum that i am worthy of love.

My mum was too concerned about how all the relatives were going to stay and what she was going to feed them, that she never came to see me, see if i needed anything  or how i was coping. On my mehendi night  they were so busy with everything that no one actually thought about me and the fact that there was no mehendi or anyone to put it on my hands. Until a cousin brother saw me and said how come no one has put mehendi on me. He decided to take an attempt.

My husband was the second child out of 9 children. At the time of our marriage his father had already passed away 8 years ago and he had worked hard to get 1 of his brother and three sisters married off. There were 2 sisters at home studying whilst 2 brothers just dossed around doing nothing. I saw how they lived in a rented property and how hard my husband worked to maintain a good living standard for his family. I saw his devotion to them and was awed by their closeness. I promised to myself that i will help him achieve what ever his dream has. I will try to stand by his side and help him as much as i can. Little did i know that hatred for me was already forming in their minds.

On my wedding night, the first thing that my husband said to me was that this marriage nearly did not take place. why?!! because of something my uncle had said and also my mum was too independent and domineering. What had that got to do with me i did not know, yet i apologized on behalf of them and said that i would try my best to show them that i was not totally like them. things were not getting easy. My in-laws constantly gave me grief about the fact that my family being British should have given a motorbike, tv, fridge freezer, more gold and other stuff. Again I apologised to the whole family just to bring peace into the household. My in-laws wanted me to come to England straight away to apply for his visa but I wanted to stay and spend some time with him and to get know a bit about him. Again my in laws were not happy.

I became pregnant straight away. Due to naivety and also because i did not know where to go for help in Bangladesh. My first child was born before my first anniversary. I was in England when i had her and was so happy I took her back home to see her dad when she was only 3 months old. Whilst we were there we got a letter of rejection from the high commission. I was sent back to London to appeal the decision.

The following year my husband came to England and we lived with my parents for year. The year was hard. My husband worked in restaurant for a month and then in my brothers factory. Money was not good but we managed somehow. But in-between these times my husband started smoking and getting irritated with everything that my family did, especially my mum. He could not tolerate her independency. We argued a lot. But even then i thought if we move out then he most probably will be fine. When my husband first came into this country their were a lot of family invitations and a lot of new introductions. My husband was given a lot of money from a lot of my family as a form of gift. My husband sent it all back home to his family, which did not upset me as much.

What upset me was that we went out and he saw me looking at a ring and asked me if i liked that or wanted it . I said yes please. The ring was too loose on me so they said they would make it smaller  and for me to come and collect it the following week. Which we did. As we left the shop my husband said to me." I bought you this only because i could afford it was from the charity everyone gave me, don't ever wish for anything like this ever again". i was so hurt that i can never forget that phrase . ever. I did not ask for it. He asked me if i wanted it. I  thought he bought it for me from the kindness of his heart. But it wasn't. It cost only £29.99. Was i asking for too much? It has been 17 years on my marriage and till this day i never asked him for any thing.

After the first year we became homeless and stayed in a motel for 3 or so months before we were given a temporary accommodation. Living in that motel was hard. My husband worked hard to maintain his family back home and i tried to live on child benefit money, everything that we earns was in his pocket. He gave me money to take the clothes to the laundrette and the bus fare to my moms house and the occasional food. Every eid I used to manage to gather £5 to buy myself a piece of material and save the rest for my daughter. I didn't complain because i thought if he was happy sending money back home to the family he could not see then I'll somehow manage.

I gave up my friends and any dreams that I ever had. Just lived for the day. My husband was always stressing about how to send money back home and how his family were living. I thought that i was being supportive. I was jumping from one job to another. I worked from a mailing factory to dental assistant. Trying to sort out some kind of living standard here, while my husband worried about back home. I became pregnant with my 2nd child and then was given a permanent house. that was when the problems started surfacing.

I was 7 months pregnant with my second child when we moved into our permanent house. When moving into the house my husband bought secondhand furniture, which i was okay with. And then we went to buy curtains for the house. They were a bit pricey but he chose them, not me.

On the way home my daughter asked for a lollipop which was 5 pence. He said no. He could not afford it. And then he went to the shop and bought himself a pack of cigarette. When we came home i said to him how he could go and buy himself cigarettes when his daughter had asked for a sweet I could not understand. he sends so much money back home i don't make any comment but when my daughter asks for 5 p and you can't give it, it hurts. And he beat me up. He hit me with the curtain pole. Kicked me on the stomach. I took myself to bed, too shocked with what happened. What went through my head was that my mum said I wasn't worth the hassle. I was going to make this marriage work.

He came that night and apologised to me. okay. Throughout my pregnancy i was so sick. Not once did he lift a finger to help me. I was okay with it. But to kick me when I'm pregnant? I let it go. we carried on struggling through. I became pregnant again straight after my 2nd child. and was distraught. my mum said she would help. My husband was not accepting it. My mother in law was furious. She said how was her son meant to look after two families if i kept on expanding it.

By this time my husband had sent enough money for them to buy a plot of land and they had their own property. So I did not understand why they needed that much money. I did not question my husband about it. If they needed money they needed money. My husband started complaining if I bought my children chips or any extra things e.g birthday presents or gifts if they did well in school. My husband kept on saying that i was wasting his money.

My 2nd was a daughter and my third was a son born premature. 4 months later i was pregnant again. and my husband forced me to have an abortion. He said he could not cope with another addition.  He had a good office job by then, but even then he kept saying he needed more money. His mother did not want me to have anymore children.

8 months later the dr said he would not be able to walk properly because there was some hip problem. I said it was his mothers curse. It was Allah punishing me for the abortion. I was having a real hard time to cope and had no one to turn to for help. i said to my husband that I want to know why they need so much money that I had to kill one of my child for it. I needed to go back home to see for myself, and if it was true that they needed so much money then i would beg for forgiveness from him and never utter another word but if it was the other way round. I ask nothing but understanding from my husband .

We went back home after a year of my son's birth and there my husband got a shock. He saw how lavishly everyone there was living whilst we merely scraped through living in England. He cried to his mum and asked her how could they do this to him. He told his mum how we survived on rice and Dahl for a full year while they filled their stomach with luxury.

He stayed 3 months in Bangladesh, avoiding his mum. I did not like that. The day he was to return to England i made him make peace with his mum, and when we returned back to England he opened an Isa account for the kids and divided the money between both countries. He gave more money to spend on food. Things looked better. His sister got married back home to a guy from England. Then his brother got married. Also to girl from England. My man again started struggling for money. I was again back at work for sure start. I gave him all my gold and said to him to sell it and use the money on the wedding. He literally broke down and cried. I said I'm not a materialistic person. I don't need gold to be happy. I just kept the set my parent gave because it was a gift from them to me.

He was happy. We were living in a two bedroom flat, me with my three children lived with my husband's brother and his wife and my husband's sister's husband. Me and my husband slept on a sofa bed for a year, but I was happy. My husband never gave me anything. Never a gift or eid clothes or anything. Never bought my children anything. He earned money, he spent it on god knows what. I never asked him for anything. The only thing I asked was that i had saved £1400 and asked if I could now buy myself a gold set. He said sure as he had bought his sister-in-law a £3000 set from his pocket. I thought it was only fair that I had a set as in our culture gold talks a lot. I didn't care that it was a lot cheaper than hers. I just did not want anyone to say that my husband could not afford to give his wife anything.

A year later we bought a house and moved out to a bigger property. His brother and wife was still with us. His brother was still sitting at home doing nothing. I spoke with my husband regarding this. Not because i wanted money but because he had a wife who was pregnant now to look after. We were paying the zakat and maintaining his wife . It was about time he started doing something for his new family. My mother in law came to England and moved in with us. We were again beginning to struggle.

So my husband spoke to his brother about it and they decided to move out. Again i sold my gold. He got his last two siblings married off. One sister to an American and brother to his girlfriend back home. My 10th anniversary was really special to me. It was like i had managed to prove to my mum that i was still married to the same man whilst my brother who got married 2 weeks after me had a divorce and was remarried I was ecstatic and wanted to celebrate with no one but my husband and children. My husband could not care less. He laughed at me. I gave him a lighter engraved with his name. For years i begged him to try to give up smoking and he hit me for it. Then i buy him a lighter and the following day he decides to give up smoking. He didn't give me anything. The following day he said he felt bad that i went to all that trouble to get him a lighter so he got me a pair of earrings. It upset me that he did not give it to me out of love . He gave it to me because i had given him something, out of guilt. I felt cheap and horrible. I felt used and disgusted with my self.

When we moved into our new house a problem aroused. Again with my mum and my husband. my husband had not invited my parent to come and see the house,so my mum took the anger out on me. Why i could not tell my husband to invite my father over to view the house, she could not understand. True, i did not believe it was important for my father to see the huose before we had bought it.I mentioned to both my parent that i was looking for a house to buy and once all the paperwork was done, i then told them asked them if they would like to come and visit. at the time my mum seemed okay and then later I was accussed of neglecting my parents when buying the house.my mum was absolutrly furious about it but my dad was okay. My mum stopped coming to my house and my husband again started becoming bitter with me. To stop the fued becoming any worse. I apologized to them both on behalf of the other and did my best to sort out the family problem. Then my dad and my brother took me aside and said to me that they always knew that once my husband came to this country and made a name of himself he would become bigheaded. He lived in the slums in Bangladesh and they made him a man, and now he was treating them like dirt. Well i say, yet you gave your daughter/sister to that man. Then what am i worth?

I had another son when we moved into this house.

My husband became a good practising islamic person. He sent my eldest son to a madrasa to become hafis. My son was studying well. Things started to look good. He lived his life. Worked, earned money, bought shares with a few businesses. I worked. Looked after the family, paid all the bills, did all the shopping, never asked him for a penny. Secretly yes i was upset that he never seemed to be bothered about me and my children's welfare. Never asked me if the children had their eid gifts, birthday gifts, or how was their education going, did they need/want anything. I toke over all this. Even with paying all the bills, he never asked me how i was cooping with it all. Nothing.

His mum, youngest brother and his wife came to England and are living with us. Now he has started ignoring us completely. Staying out half the night. I know he isn't anywhere bad. Just hanging out with his friends but he just does not seem to have anytime to spend with me or the children. (not that he spent time with us before but know it is worse). The in-laws have put so much financial pressure on us that i am beginning to despair. yet not once has my husband asked any kind of question as how you are coping. i had closed my ISA account which i had opened for my children's future, but because of recession and i was losing money i had closed it down and was hoping to re open once the finance had sorted out. i had roughly £6.500 in that account. my husband took all tat for some use, i still do not know about. he said he would put the money back within the year. it's been over 4 years, i am still waiting. i' ve had to go to the dr. beacause i've been feeling so run down.

I once bought it up with him, just to see if he knew how our financial status was. And guess what? he turned around saying that i'm the guilty person. That my family never helped. He has had to struggle with his family. I am a spender. Wasting all his money, yet not once did he give me any money for the children. Now i'm being accussed of being a characterless person. No one shows me any respect and the children are becoming like me. I 'm scared to even speak because what if i say something that is wrong, that makes me a characterless person. my eldest daughter did her GCSEs and got very good grades. Even before the results came out she asked if we as a family could go out to celebrate, he said yes, but the days that she said to him he kept on saying that he was busy, so i told him i will take her out. He did not say anything yet later i was accussed of making my children too western. Why should they need to eat outside. my children ask for take outs, every other week or every 3 weeks and i'm accussed of wasting money.

Throughout the whole 17 years of my marriage my husband have tried my best to please him to make his life easier. Not wanting anything for myself. Always making sure that he and his family had everything. With my children's things i took it as my responsibilities to make sure that they had everything . Now i am being accussed of making the children like me and being a spend thrift and a chracterless person. All i've ever wanted was that i live in peace and love with the man that has chosen me to be his life partner and the children live happily. I'm not that naive to know that all marriages go throgh ups and downs. But if there is love and unity in the family then that is all that matters. At the moment i feel as if i was used for him to come to this country and now descarded becuase his whole family has come. He even said to me that if i don't like the way this family is then he will leave. My question is that is it so easy for him to leave me and the kids for him to say something like this over any trivial account. Do my children mean so little to him. I feel used and betrayed by the people that i say that are the closest to me. I can't stop myself crying at the same time i try and say that i should stop pitying myself. I don't know how to cope any more. My daughters are growing big and they need both the parent. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. But then what about the kids?  Am i being selfish or greedy. What am i ment to do? I can't stand him touching me becuase all he does is fulfills his pleasure and then turns arounds and fall asleep. No kissing, to talking. I feel cheap and dirty and disgusted with myself for wanting more. I mean i am now 36 years old, i have four kids should i be wanting more? Should i not be living just for the kids and let him live his life? Should i not be content with what i've got? What have i got? i all seems like petty little things but the emotional strain it gives is hard. I pray to Allah to give me the strength of patience and to cope with  everything but lately with everyone around me constantly accusing me for everything i find it hard.

Please advice me

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