We committed zina and we both regret it
Asalama'laykum,
I am in a big dilemma. I am in love with a man and we both love each other dearly and are planning to get married soon inshAllah. He is very loving, caring, honest, loyal, and educated and a respectful person. Alhumdulillah, he has never treated me ill and he genuinely loves me. He never tried to touch me or force any sort of physical contact with me. We met through a friend of mine and he asked me right away for my hand. I informed him that he should bring his family over and then we can precede things from there.
His family came over and really liked my family and me. My family also really liked him and also liked his family but were a bit unsure if I would be able to adjust with his family members (as they are more traditional than we are). My parents therefore decided that it was best that they didn't say yes right away because they still want to make sure and see if there is someone who is a better match for me.
Turns out, we really started liking each other and started talking behind our parents back. I know this is wrong, and I feel really guilty for doing this. We would see each other, talk etc. Then one day, out of the blue we just got really close and began going physical. I do want to make it clear though that he did not make the first move, it just happened at the same time. The whole time he wasn't forcing me or escalating anything. I am ashamed to say that I gave into my desires and I don't know how this happened, but it did, we ended up loosing our virginity (he was also a virgin). After that incident happened, we both were extremely shocked and I cried a lot telling him how guilty I felt (and so did he). He promised me that no matter what happens we will get married.
He is willing to speak with his parents and come out clean and tell them that he wants to marry me and that they should come over to our place again. The issue is his father will object and say well they rejected us so we can't just force her family to accept you and us. I told him that I will be open and forthcoming with my family and then you can bring your family over. He told me that if worst comes to worse he will marry me no matter what anyone says because he can't leave me after loosing his virginity to me. He informed me though that this would never happen because his family would agree and he will make my family agree as well. I know my family will agree to get him married to me.
I have discussed this issue (that we love each other) with my siblings and mother and she has informed me that she will talk to my father about him again so that they can come over again. So now things are going smooth for both of us alhumdulillah and it seems like there will be no family hindrances. The only problem is however, that my parents do not want me to get married for another year or so and I worry a lot that we may fall into this trap of committing zina again.
We did engage in zina more than once after the initial incident even though we try to stop each other a lot, it's really hard to resist our desires for one another. We both feel really guilty about it and I feel like prolonging the marriage for another year will just tempt us more and more and we'll end up just doing it again and again. I really don't want to displease Allah swt. He has blessed me with someone who loves me a lot and is willing to marry me. I know he is a good human being because he didn't change after taking my virginity; in fact, he has become more loving towards me and will go to any extent to make sure we get married.
My question is how do I resist this temptation to not get physical with him in this time span till we get married? I love him a lot and I fear the wrath of Allah swt. What if He takes him away from me as a form of punishment? What if he dies tomorrow? Nothing is guaranteed and I don't want to upset my Creator, but at the same time I get very tempted to get physical with him at times.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Star Fish
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Salaam sister.
No good can come of this situation while you are both still indulging in haraam. You say he is loving and he has promised to marry you but it is a mistake to do this, because how does he know whether he can truly marry you or not. It can happen and is one of the common problems which arise from zina.
You are both feeling guilty for committing the sin, however one of the conditions of repentance is that you stop the sin or make the firm intention to stop the sin as well as a concerted effort. There is no use in repenting whilst continuing the sin. I urge you to cut off contact with this guy. We do not know when Allah swt will take us, it could be any time (may Allah swt protect you both and us all from being taking while committing any sin.) So please stop meeting this guy and make sincere tawbah. Even if you love him, no one no matter how much you love them is worth risking Jahannam. So give this up for Allahs sake. If he also fears Allah he will understand. Either way it is the best way. Never ever be alone with him or any non-mahram man,
If you really feel this guy is right for you for marriage - you need to stop seeing him and repent and speak to your family urgently. One year is too long to wait. Speak to your family about at least doing a small nikah soon. Be polite and speak with kindness no matter how they act but do not give up! Be willing to compromise if necessary - maybe agree to have a big wedding/move in together later but try to do nikah.
Islamically you both will need to stop the sin and repent before you are able to marry.
Please read the links below:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/the-sin-of-adultery-and-fornication-part-2/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/the-sin-of-adultery-and-fornication-part-3/
Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him (in Islam) before the torment comes upon you, (and) then you will not be helped.
And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur’aan, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!’”
[al-Zumar 39:53-54 – interpretation of the meaning]
The word tawbah (repentance) is a great word with deep meaning. It is not, as many people think, merely words to be uttered whilst persisting in sin. Think about what Allaah says:
“Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance”
[Hood 11:3 – interpretation of the meaning]
You will see that repentance is something more than seeking forgiveness.
Because this is a serious matter, there have to be conditions attached. The scholars mentioned the conditions of repentance, based on aayahs from the Qur’aan and ahaadeeth. There follows a list of some of them:
1 – Giving up the sin immediately.
2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.
3 – Resolving not to go back to it.
4 – Making amends to those whom you have wronged, or asking for their forgiveness.
My co-editor said something which I thought was beautiful: When Allah questions you regarding your actions in His Court in the Day of Judgement, your boyfriend will not be able to rescue you at all. But if you turn back now and make the sacrifice for the sake of Allah, you stand a chance, Allah may totally wipe out your sin and forgive you through His(swt) Mercy.
If this brother does have the qualities of a husband and you both wish to marry, do so as soon as you can - speak to your parents and work to convince them. Involve the Iman if need be. (But be aware you must conceal your sin in Islam.) Do not worry about money too much - have a small nikah, you dont necessarily need to move in together but marriage is a protection against zina.
If he does not have the qualities/ you decide not to marry him - then cut off all contact with him. Even if you decide to marry him, while you are not married you should not meet him without your mahram or at least family present. Islamically there must be no touching of any kind or sweet talking etc - including on phone/online. Other than this you cannot meet him. If you stick to these boundaries while you are not married, zina should be impossible InshaAllah.
Sara
Islamicanswers.com Editor
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Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your advice sistser. You are correct. Guilt is not enough and I want to make amends for our actions.
I have decided that until we do not have our nikah performed I will try to remain under the Islamic boundaries and cut down any method which would escalate us to engaging in this act again.
JazakAllah Khay’rn
Brother, you are doing the right thing by making the effort to stick to Islamic guidelines from now on maasha'Allah. However difficult it is, see this waiting period as a test and a chance to prove yourself a better Muslim insha'Allah. The outcome will be fruitful and sweet insha'Allah.
I havent read through all the replies so I don't know if anyone has suggested that you ask an Imam to speak to your parents about the importance of conducting this nikah as soon as possible?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaam sister Sara, I really had appreciate the way you have tried to help "Star Fish" to sort our this problem and how to refrain from sins! Your way of explanation is really sweet, warm and very arouse it will definetly make other to become motivate and stay away from this sin and also how to seek halaal solution to make a love relationship become worthy in halaal 🙂
May allah guide you more sis and may you get more and more blessing and knowledge from allah, and may allah help our sister "Star Fish" also to stay away from these sin and may we all meet in paradise in the hereafter insha allah 🙂
Assalam
it is definitely your mistake and you will suffer if he will not marry you. any how you should marry him and it is the best solution...
Salam o alaikum,
Do your nikah TODAY! If the guy contacts you tell him it is in the best interest for both of you to get the nikah done without another minute to loose. InshaAllah while working towards getting the nikah done, it will be easier for you to refrain from getting carried away until the nikah.
You work on your family and he should work on his. At the same time ask Allah swt for help and protection from the shaitaan while working towards making this relationship halal.
regards,
JazakAllah Kay'rn Brother Saqib.
I am trying my best to convince my family but they are not giving in till until next year. They said they need time and this isn't some doll house game. I've therefore decided that I will cut down as much contact with him as I can and methods in which this situation can escalate up to that act.
Have you spoken to them about how Islamically marriage should be done quickly or while you are young. Or spoken to them about at least doing a possible small nikah in the time being. Be respectful and accomadating but if might help if you put this idea forward to them. Maybe compromise by giving them some months - but a year is a long time. Or possibly spoken to an Imam to try and get them to speak to your parents.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I AM SO AGITATED AT YOUR ACTOINS? ASTEGHFIRULLAH , you GIRLS AND BOYS HAVE MADE A JOKE OF THE WORD REPENTANCE!! PROPHET saws said clearly that if a boy and a girl are alone then the third person is shaytan. He is caring, respectful, educated all are vain .. waste.. HOW CAN A PERSON WHO DOENST LOVE ALLAH AND HIS PROPHET PBUH MORE THAN HIMSELF ,HOW CAN HE LOVE YOU ?If he would have loved you then he would always guide you to right path..
you people escalate desires ,you people provide your lust a medium of transport by talking to each other in private this and that and surely that path leads to GREIVIOUS SINS LIKE THIS AND LATER OH AM SO REPENTENT? DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF REPENTANCE ? WHAT CONDITIONS LEADS TO REPENTENCE?YOU PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN THE MEANING OF A SIN?!!
1)deeply remorse over the sin
2) azm or concrete will that you will never repeat it again ,cut out all the roots towards that sin
3) should not remember the sin and take pleasure out of that sin .
4) OFFER 2 RAKAH NON obligatory prayer sincerely for the repentance?
If you were sincere first time how did you got indulge second time.!! THis happens when you dont learn Islam from your own side.
rolling over to your query KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. HE IS A FORNICATOR AS WELL AS YOU ,you people are driven by lust , and if it was a Muslim country you both were to be banished and lashed 100 times.
It might look heavy onto you but cut all the roots towards him. AND DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM IF YOU ARE TRUE TO YOURSELF .IF you get pregnant you cant abort the child you have to give birth to that child and think how much disgrace will that be!!
Think before its too late.
Imane,
I understand your frustrations towards my actions and I know what we have done is a grave sin, but I have NOT made a joke out of the word repentance.
You don’t even know me, and you are only judging me based on my actions. Yes, I did commit, zina, but I cried over it more than you even know it. Yes, I fell weak to my desires, but I WANT to change. It’s not like I didn’t care and kept engaging in this act without the fear of the wrath of Allah.
Hence I wrote on here for help. I don’t think we are bad human beings, just misguided and I want to make this proposal halal as soon as possible or at least remain within Islamic boundaries till it becomes halal. I have talked to this person and told him that we MUST stay within our limits; I have also discussed this issue with my parents of wanting to get married as soon as possible.
They wanted an engagement but I pushed for a nikah, so I AM making attempts. We had our istikhara performed in the early stages of when he had proposed to me and it came out well, so I know he is good for me BUT we are clearly not taking the RIGHT steps to be good for one another.
I am now going to take the necessary steps to cut down all the possibilities that can lead us up to the act of zina.
All I’m asking if for you to not judge me. I have confided in you people in the hope of getting good advice, not getting based even more for the sin we have committed.
JazkAllah kay’rn for your advice.
Hi Sister StarFish, am sorry as i dont know your name and u r right to not disclose your name here for your own reason.
I have came accross what about imane said and they way she had tried to help! she look like an extremist or very fanatic which is illegal in muslim whether u come with hadith or ayat ul quraan, u cannot mislead any information from the quraan , just u must have a good and warm talent to share it with people instead of making people to run away, scare if what islam said or to insul or or hurt people feeling! thats how Imane did behave!
Sisters, from my heart, i could felt how you had felt hurt and weak after reading about what imane said! but dont care about what she said and dont even consider her speech since she have done many Fatwa in her speech about her regulation and she dont have manner to communicate with the ummah! for her she think a sinner is a rubbish! so for me a sinner something special where i can approach the sinner to explain her/him about what they did and what kind of sin it was so that the sinner can understand well in a professional manner and how to avoid the sin again.
Sister, stop worry about the sin now if you have honestly repend sincerly to allah, apart allah no one can judge you and punish you or forgive u! We as the slave of allah , we are here to support you islamically etc which depend on our heart not on your race or quality. because every human being have the bad quality and the good one, Only our prophete had the only good quality which is a model for the oummah!
Sister, The mistakes u hve commited is big, but you are not the one who did it , even many people did , mamy sheiks and imaam ever did zina, even any religious and other did it, but each people has been created with weakness as it mentioned in the quran where allah said to control our "Nafs" i gave you such a real example to make u understang sinner is not only for u.., but since these kind of sin is very very critical which alah really condemned, its better to avoid it from the root, every thing allah can make u commit a sin have a solution indeed by allah ! The solution from doing zina is " NIKA" the solution from doing zina to any one just for pleasure is " Stay faste daily" Problem in couple life, Seek allah's guidance" but remember, a relationship without nika have no guidance from allah even if u ask, unless u ask allah to open a way for them to do nika asap!
May allah bless you always sister, I would like to see you happy with the man u have truely mentioned that u love, dont car about other, but go for nika as soon as possible. everything is possible , just come back again here to inform us what is the good news and insha allah u will! Once you are in nika, and you can enjoy what ever u feel good intimately since u r out of zina and always keep ur intimate thing for your couple only and never narrates about it to moms, dads, best friends or any, as this will lead u to divorce since shaitaan will want u to share it.
One good advise, if you who are getting marry, never let your parent who make your choice, Its forbidden in islam, unless u r going out of religions or marry to a non muslim which dont want to accept islam, then your parent have the right to stop you.
Also bear in mind, postponing a nika because of works, money etc by familly bla bla bla or culture while nika has become in needs to avoid zina, then u have to right to ignore all materialist thing and only follow allah and his messenger for the right path! Nika is for allah, materials is only for "Duniya"
Assaalaam 🙂
from Your brother Uzair Khan
Hello Imane, Assalaam alaykum
Uzzy you made some valid points, but I removed your comment for two reasons: 1. Use of bad language. 2. Discussion of irrelevant points. Who cares what the princes of Saudi Arabia do? It has nothing to do with us or our own practice of Islam.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@Waleed , Assalaam,
u r tolerating people who are abuse other with islamic words, which should be deleted! whatever i have said about the saudi sheik its truth, am ready to proof u if u wish, but somehow i can understand may b it was not the exact point since i was really angry with......., but can u approve my comments as it was and remove the topic on saudi and proof me what you have found as a bad language. thanks
Hello Imane, Assalaam alaykum
Am sorry to inform you that never think that Allah will compensate you for your comments about what "Star Fish" did.
First of all you dont have a way of talking! u r using allah and our messenger PBUH's words in an aggressive way, if u r from an extremist group or if u r fanatic, then please act this way with your familly or people you consider! do not threatening and harass people here with a human being sin ! u r not perfect and no one is even me!
Today i will teach you first of all about which action should take against someone who are in sins and want to repend and seeking help to stay towards allah, Never insult people islamically or verbally! always encourage them in many good ways where they will leave this sins to halaal! despite they have felf gultu but always try to show them that it was never too late to see the light in allah's way (fii sabii lillaa) but in a very good manner!
u cant say "rolling over to your query KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. HE IS A FORNICATOR AS WELL AS YOU ,you people are driven by lust , and if it was a Muslim country you both were to be banished and lashed 100 times." This is ridiculous! You are not allah and you are not permitted to punish someone if there is allah, As humanity is duty is to help a sinner to become in allah's way. you cannot judge "star Fish's " boyfriend and treat him like a fornicator! judge yourself first! by saying those thing on someone you dont know, you have instantly commit sin "Ribat" So please dont pretend like u r a saint indeed no one is, Correct your mistakes before your judge other, still even if u r not that pious , u still have the right to guide another person in a professional manners!
Remember there is many noncense law in religious muslim country which they used to punish people which is really forbidden in real islam! where some other dirtiest prince with religious clothes in the world who have over 50 wives western wives and living as non muslim people, THIS IS A TRUE EXAMPLE EVEN IF ITS NOT THE POINT BUT ITS ALL ABOUT MENTALITY & EQUALITY.y there is no LAW for them?? they go in a disco and throw $1 million USD on a nake woman while dancing! and they are good in using religious words... and they also punish people , cut hand and all this which is not a human judge! allah has created MAN to make mistakes , created by weakness and had sent a prophete to teach us the good and the bad to avoid sin! those who commit sin have the right to repent and allah itself will punish or not! not human who will kill, cut hand, head or whatever extremist people use to do in some fanatic people!
Allah has create not only every muslim equal but the whole humanity which included non muslim! If you are a good believe , we cannot be fanatic! fanatic is a sin which will make non muslim people to stay away from us and to hate us! every step in life have a way of doing it ! first u must be educated and be emmotional at times and treat others same like you would treat your mother and yourself! others also is a human being.
Remember whatever "Star Fish" did, is completely a sin, but allah himself will judge her, and allah never judge people by their direct action, but he judge by your intension which every must be aware what they are doing and thing that u have done if u r not aware , then allah will forgive! ofcourse having intimate thing with someone its with your full concious just u felt in a very difficult weakness at that times which is natural but its a crucial sin anyway.
I cant the you the best people to help "Star fish" to sort out this probs and advise her how to become a winner in allah's way! i believe u dont have the human talent to do so with your extremist word which really hurt people directly when allah is not doing so and allah is sending some other people to comfort "star Fish's" heart to abstain the sin in a very warm manner without she have to give up to herself!
May allah guide you Imane and may he always make u open to the whole humanity and stop being so rude when u guide others! Remember we are all not perfect except our prophete Muhammad (Saw)PBUH.
Assalaam.
EDITED AS PER YOUR REMARKS
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Actually, in Islam under sharia law there is this thing called "Hadd Punishments" in which grave sinners are punished by HUMANS (Those in authority) as is ordered by Allah. For example, A person who steals shall have their hands cut off , a person who commits zina shall receive lashes and/or stoning to death in other cases, a person who commits murder shall be killed, a person who accuses a chaste woman of zina shall receive 80 lashes etc etc. These are not "extremists" or "fanatics" views or acts, these are sharia laws.
Basically, for many years, the Western world has been struggling to influence the Islamic world in regards to how it should use certain terminologies of classification. Unfortunately, it has won in influencing the mindset of the majority Muslim world into believing its own classifications of the Muslims. Words such as "terrorist", "Extremists", "moderate" etc are wrongly defined by the west. With regards to "extremist" or "fundamentalists", the west uses these words when referring to 'practicing' muslims (those who follow/accept Islam in totality) ,in truth, we need extremist muslims that follow Islam from A to Z. It is the extremists who practice Islam the way it should be. Moderate muslims have defects in their beliefs or understanding of Islam or etc. Shariah law isn't what you think it is, "moderate" muslims might find it difficult to adapt to sharia way of life. You call them extremists, fundemantalist, fanatics or whatever you wish, but truth be told, if every muslim was a fundamentalist the world would have been very different. In that case, I'm an "extremist" too. Muslims must be "extremist", the rest are only for name sake :).
Don't get me wrong if I sound harsh, I agree with imane on this!! I myself don't wear scarf miss my prayers, went to college had Muslim friends, everytime they try to ask me out I would say no your like my brothers and I'm scare if Allah ill save my self marrige, because I never wanted to dispointed my patents for a guy. So later on I fall deeply in love with a Muslim man he ask my parents for my hand and they said yes because he is Muslim. So honestly we all know if we get boyfriends or be alone with a guy something is going to happen that is haram. Guys can't help them selfs lol what if you don't end up with him? Insallah you will. My point is must girls come here o I didn't something haram wallah from the very start our heart and minds till us what is wrong. I don't mean to be harsh.
" sorry I didn't do spell checks""
Starfish,
Make repentance for your sins and remember that Allah and Allah alone is the one who will judge you on your actions. You must do more than try to not let this happen again...it must not happen again. If you must see one another, meet in your home only under your parents watch. If your parents are not home, he does not come over at all. Simple enough. Pray to Allah almighty that you are not pregnant from the few times that you have been with him. As you are aware, it only takes one time to get pregnant. You are a smart girl Starfish yet you have made a very foolish mistake. Make a smart decision and never see him again unless a family member is around. This way there can be no excuse for you losing yourselves. Continue to seek forgiveness from Allah...both of you.
Salam
the first time u cried and felt terrible but yet do it again obviously u didnt feel as horrible as you should off