How to gain my fiancée’s parent’s approval?
My fiancée and I have been together for two years and we plan to get married next year. He is Muslim and his parents are very traditional and come from Palestine. He was born and raised in California and is very Americanized. His parents have always wanted him to be in an arranged marriage, although he says even if he never met me he would never want to do that.
I am a Caucasian american, born and raised and his culture is very different from anything that I am used to, but I try to be as understanding and supportive as possible. He financially supports his parents and younger sister and I am very supportive of this and even give my own money if he is short. I care about them because they are his family.
In spite of this, they have known about me for 2 years and they hate the idea of him being with me. They want him to be in an arranged marriage. I am not Muslim, but I am studying about it and learning about it, and I support him if he wants our children to be Muslim as well.
They refuse to meet me and his mom cries on the phone about it. I really don't know what to do, we are so much in love and I consider myself to be a good person and it really makes me feel bad about myself that they dislike me so much. I really don't know what to do. We are planning to move back to California so he can be closer to them, but I am worried because we are moving to be closer to his family and they want nothing to do with me.
Does anyone have any advice on what I can do?
Thank you.
- bettylou
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As salamu alaykum, bettylou,
Thank you for opening your Heart and sharing your worries.
I will go straight to the point, have you sitten with your fiancée and talk about how will it affect you the fact of moving closer to his parents? You should take the time to bring forward all the issues that worries you about his family.
I don´t know which kind of relationship you have, but you know the straight way for a muslim boy to approach a woman for marriage? have you thought that maybe can be the way you carry your relationship that have annoyed his family ?
Talk to him straight and ask him about the right protocole of a muslim family related to marriage and a relationship between a man and a woman.
I don´t really think you are the problem, what I think is that your relationship (the fact of not following the proper rules of their religion and culture) is the problem.
Yes, you are a good person, the question here is that they are from a different culture and a different religion than yours, and it won´t be easy for you to understand but, at least, you should try to understand why they are so hurt. Maybe they have more reasons, but the only way to get to know the real reasons is to talk straight to your fiancée, tell him how much you are suffering for this situation, don´t let it go further, this way you can work on a solution before it get worse.
All my Uncoditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Bettylou,
I admire your desire to support your fiance and his family despite the situation. It takes great strength and wisdom do that. I strongly advise you continue to show such concern and love towards your fiance's family (despite their actions), it will only make him love you more and it can do nothing but have a positive affect on them. I'll advise you according to the standard Islam sets. What you are witnessing is a cultural norm, not an Islamic norm (please always keep this in mind). So I say this with all due respect to them, 'be gentle with the foolish', there is clearly a defiancy in their understanding which stops them from even seeing any good. From an Islamic perspective he is permitted to marry a girl of his choice that is either Christian or Jewish; to avoid future issues its sometimes better not to. But if you are serious about learning about Islam, and supporting his right to teach your future children then surely all is not as it seems. Another advice taken from the teachings of Islam is gift giving, give a gift to the family for it softens the heart. Do this often, because they cannot reject this gesture....doesn't have to be big, can be chocolate, flowers, anything even small. The Prophet (peace be upon him ) said “Exchange gifts, as that will lead to increasing your love to one another.”
.. Lastly, this advice is taken directly from the manners of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). When he came with the message of Islam and called the people to worship only one God and forgo their idols he was treated in the harshest of ways. However, he never retailated back nor desired harm upon the people, but he prayed for them. And treated them kindly. He was known as the truthful and often it was his manners that opened their eyes to see beyond what their forefathers preached. I leave you with this link.... (don't mind teh first 25 seconds , not sure what that's about!!) ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut2VzQGtOis 🙂
All the best... and dont worry. Maintain your good nature, and don't let others pull you down. Do YOU and you'll win their hearts as you won their son's heart! And thank you for turning to us for advice 🙂
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor