Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I get on with my older, quiet husband?

assalamu aleykum..

I am 28 and my husband is 45. When I married him a year ago, he was not attractive but I didn't think that was a big deal until later on. Now, I have a child with him and that forces me to be patient. My husband is very quiet, never has a fun time with me, basically no conversation what so ever.

I dont know if this is the age difference. I can't look at him and don't like my friends to see him.

I am confused and unhappy.

Any advise?

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4 Responses »

  1. yes the problem is that you have a very big age gap! why didn't you get married to a man your own age? you can't stay in a marriage if you are unhappy have you spoken to your parents about this!

  2. Hidaayah, Walaykumsalaam,

    I don't think the age gap is the issue here. If you get on with someone, it is because you both share similar interests, not because you are of a similar age.

    I am wondering why you initally married this man? Was it an arranged marriage? Were you not give the opportunity to converse with him? Were you forced? Or did you like something about this man which made you agree to marry him? Has something adverse happened since you initally married him that has caused you to become distance from him? Has some of his behaviour towards you upset you?

    With the little information you have given, I can only give you general advice, and that is I can only urge you to look for the good in your husband that you saw when you married him and ask Allah to guide you. At the same time, try to show interest in the things your husband likes to do. If you give him your time and love, it is human nature that he will return the same. InshaAllah he will give you time and love too and your love will develop and grow.

    Remember, that not wanting your friends to see your husband is most likely coming from your own insecurity. The truth is that your friends probably don't even care about what your husband looks like, and all they want to see is that he treats you well.

    If you wish for more advice, please write here with more detail inshaAllah.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. Why not talk to him about it whilst both of you are alone??. It might be his nature. Maybe he's a timid and gentle kind of person. . . Maybe he doesnt know how to crack jokes, make sweet conversations, and doesnt know how to play or make fun with his wife. Its not a suprise, some men are by nature like that. . . . So it now rely on you to , you know, motivate him, Teach him (indirectly without him knowing) . You know, crack the jokes, make the funs, force him to make sweet conversations with you by putting words in his mouth, make him happy etc etc . . . . When he would get used to it, probably in maybe 1 or 2 weeks, the tables would be turned over (ie he would be the one to start the jokes, plays, conversations etc)

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    You need to determine if you value being married or not. Happiness is often what we make of it, because if we decide to be unhappy, nothing will turn that around.

    First, think about why you don't want your friends to see him? Is it really a case because of how he looks or is it because you are embarrassed that you're friends will see a marriage that is without inspiration and hope? I believe that it's the latter and you need to realize that you share in some of this responsibility, as well.

    Most marriages either thrive, remains stagnant or break apart because of the two people in it. Maybe they take it for granted, abuse it or have misconceptions about how to love one and other. Yet, if you are committed to figuring this out and can see that your happiness in this marriage is also tied to his happiness, then you've gotten to the most important first step.

    Keep in mind that he may not know how to talk with you, to engage your thoughts or to play with you, either. You both need to work on this, and it goes without saying, a lot of people do not know how to do this and that's why they end up falling out of love and get divorced.

    At this time, you need to formulate how you wish this marriage to succeed and wherein, it becomes the partnership where it enlivens you, makes you breathless and dare I say it, makes you aroused to be with him. It's not based on his looks, because physical appearance may decline with age, but it depends on your communication with your husband. If you are ready to take charge of your marriage and put it before the perceptions of others, then please read on.

    Sit down with him and be honest. Tell him that you're worried that you guys are letting the marriage get boring, and what it's making you feel. Keep in mind that he'll probably feel the same, but at a loss as to what to do. At this time, make a commitment to change the things you don't want.

    Make a small 5 point list of what you want him to change and vice versa. Don't get offended by what he writes and tell him not to be offended by what you write. You're trying to save and ignite a fire in your marriage, so be gently honest.

    Also, I want you to think of a few things. First, because of the age difference, there may be cultural or generational barriers that need to be overcome. Figure out what was going on when he was your age. Movies, music (if you listen to it), politics, etc. What did he study in college, what are his passions and his desires?

    Find this out and connect on an intellectual level. He might be an engineer and you a lawyer, but find something that you two connect on by yourselves, as it shouldn't be about professions. Maybe it's classical music, food, architecture or something else. Visit museums, zoos and plays. Who knows, maybe it's something silly like cartoons, but whatever it is, connect through it. Wake up on Saturday mornings and make it something you can make into an adventure, too. Maybe a quiet picnic, just you and him.

    This is the most important part: was there something he never got a chance around to doing?

    Maybe he wanted a motorcycle, but never got one. Maybe he wanted to go skydiving, scuba diving, vacation on a beach, race a car, or something daring like that. If there's something that he missed out on, then do it with him! And the same with you. If there's something that you've been wanting to do, then make him a part of it! Maybe it's the opera, a craft, bungee cord jumping or whatever. Engage in the extraordinary pleasures of life together. It'll be fun and that's a huge part of wanting to be around one and other. You guys need to set yourselves up to laugh and play! Add that excitement to your life. Even if it's something like behaving like children on swings and slides at the aforementioned park, just do it! Tap into your youthful energy.

    Second, look into his closet and maybe you want to dress him more youthful without being childish about it. Buy him vibrant polo shirts, colorful ties (if he wears them), nicer shoes, and other things. Men his age tend to let their dress sense falter, so keep him handsome and dignified by making sure it compliments his size and height. Buy him a cologne that you like, a body wash that you want him to smell of and subtly suggest he change his appearance, if you want. Maybe his hair would do better with another style or cut, maybe he should grow a beard or trim his to look a bit more youthful. Make him understand that you want him to be handsome for you, because there's no shame in making your spouse happy. Let his features shine through. The slightest makeover will let you see him a different light.

    Engage yourselves in your home life, too. It's impossible for every day to be an action movie, but who says it can be absolutely fulfilling, relaxing and a refuge from the world. Try something like growing your own vegetables, renovate a room together, or whatever. Make your house the place where the world melts away and you two own that time together. Turn off the tv and play a board game, play 20 questions or strip naked and chase each other around. What?! You're married right? You want to get him off his boring streak, right? Then start having pleasurable naked time together. As a wife, you have the one thing that any husband goes crazy for: you are his love making tigress and don't forget it!

    Yes, sex, sex, sex! You're married, so have fun with it. It's not a mission to see who can orgasm first, but it's a time to make your love making the best place to have fun. Why not?! Dress up, dress down or don't dress up at all. Dress seductively for him and he for you. Share and act out your fantasies, be nice or naughty, but play as much as you two want to. Be spontaneous and make love in the kitchen, the shower, on the floor, against the wall or in bed, it doesn't matter. Buy body glow paint and have fun! Laugh, play, climax and do it all over again. They made Viagra for a reason. For all the crazy ideas anyone could type, the end result is falling exhausted into each other's arms and saying, "Yes, I choose you. I love you and I want us to be together, forever."

    This is more than your life, it's you married life: you and him.

    Finally, make dua to Allah (swt) about your situation. Place you hope and fears with Him, and ask your husband to pray with you, side by side about making your marriage happy, exciting and rewarding. Take the time each and every day to stand before God and thank Him for each other. With that, I think you two can make this marriage work.

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