Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He asked me to wait until he changed his parents’ mind to marry me

How much time should I wait for my love?

I am a Muslim girl. I met a guy a 8months ago, he is very kind, gentleman, polite, and good Muslim, he always prays on time where ever he is.

He is from a very conservative and traditional family. He proposed me very fast, the second time we met. Then he talked to his parents and a month later he admitted that he has familial problems as they refuse to allow him to marry someone not from same nationality.

He didn’t tell me the truth, I actually find out by myself,then he admitted it and he was so sorry not to tell me before, but it was because  he was afraid I would break up with him, he asked me not to give up on him.

I am aware this relationship is haram and I should not be contact without marriage.  But we are so perfectly matching, it's also his words.

He had many arguments with his mother, she said that they don’t know my family and our ways and she judged without knowing my family who is very respectful and Islamically educated.

He keep saying that she will give up and change his mind for sure because she wants him to marry as soon as possible and want to introduce him girls from the same community.

I tried to break up, it was so painful and terrible, he went to fight with his mom, she still refuses and he got heightened pressure because of my break up , he ended up in hospital.

After this, we came back with him, I missed him so much. We are really in love, respect each other a lot, with a very good atmosphere between us.

Even if I break up again and marry another guy, I will be thinking of him, because he really is the ideal man in my eyes. Will be extremely long and hard to forget him.

In Islam, it is not acceptable and we are in the wrong, I feel im stuck, don’t know what to do.

Will appreciate your opinion

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry for this worry that you are feeling about this young man.

    His family are not against you personally, but rather the idea of you and what they think you are and this is why the fight is on in the home.

    I don't know your age, but what I would recommend is to have a mental time line in your mind as to how long you are willing to wait. I say this because it sounds as though he is making a strong effort at home to marry you and overcome the cultural pressures that are coming which shows that he is wiling to be active in making your marriage happen, and he is willing to go through hardships as well so inshaAllah, there will be a breakthrough with the family at some stage and they will agree to meet you, realise that you are not everything they fear you to be, and even accept you somewhere down the line.

    In order to do this in a healthy manner, you must have a firm deadline in your own mind about how long you are willing to wait without results. For example, would you wait a year? Two years? Five years? You must have a time line in your own mind as to how long you will hold out for and what kind of progress you need to have made by a certain time.

    How long you decide to wait is really your decision but I think a year is a healthy amount of time for someone to get their act together and take action.

    The truth of the matter is, sometimes when couples make a big effort to be together, amazing things happen within the family and they end up together , the family accepts them with loving arms in spite of historical conflict and all is well. Other times, no matter how well intentioned the couple - the family takes the conflict to higher and higher levels until the union never happens. So this is why it is important to be mentally strong about how long you wait before you see progress as this will be healthier for you then endless waiting.

    In the meantime, I urge you to start purifying your behaviours in the relationship - one step at a time, and gently take yourself closer towards the pious side of life. By doing this, you will feel a lot better, stronger and more confident in being able to see right from wrong, and healthy from unhealthy and this behaviour will protect you from any attacks on your character or way-of-being and will eventually be your best ally in building a life with a husband whose family may harbour resentment towards you.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. Asalaamualaikum,

    I think Leyla is completely right in saying one should set a mental deadline in mind, but I do think 1 year is a very long time; maybe too long.

    In this type of situation, one person if not both persons involved will always end up hurt, upset and disappointed. The longer you try, the more involved both become, the more hurtful the outcome will be if the situation does not go towards marriage - regardless of how sincere the effort has been. A few months of waiting without any outcome, is enough to break both people emotionally, so a year would be quite unhealthy.

    Hence, its a difficult one. So if you do wait, keep assessing how things are going and remember to 'shield' yourself emotionally and mentally. Have a very open talk with your prospective and trying to put feelings and emotions for each other aside, ask and find out how realistic the idea of marriage really is with this person; will he really be able to stand up to the family pressure? Sometimes family pressure can be overcome, sometimes it cannot. Sometimes situations are just not on your side. So be true to yourself and ask him to be true and realistic with himself; don't allow yourself to be clouded by your feelings.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ, Editor

  3. Asalaamualaikum,

    Dear sister first thing you must do is to talk to this guy and be absolutely sure if he is willing to marry you.
    If he is then you must ask him to inform his family that he has promise someone to marry and chosen his future wife and not to wait for his mothers' approval which I dont think is going to happen.If he is not willing to do this then I dont' think he is the right person to continue the relation with.

    If the person agrees on ( to inform his family about his marriage to you ) then you must also inform your family.

    May ALLAH give you courage and patience.

    Don't do anything HARAM and if things does not work out dont be worried ALLAH have best in store for you.

  4. i think that if his family don't agree know they won't later either if u do get married 2 sumbody else yes it would be difficult to forget him but u should see it that Allah wanted that mayb if u do get married 2 this guy something could happen later which may make u feel that at this point u should've got married else where hope this helps if not do istikhara n u will get a sign whether or not u shud marry this guy. Allah Hafiz

  5. Thanks for everybody, I considered all your opinions and advices. Hamdullah, his parents finally came to visit my family. They were even in hurry to arrange the marriage. We got our Nikah 3 weeks ago. We ll have our wedding inshallah this summer.

    My prayers and Istekhara during Ramadan made me feel confident and had nice feelings. 2 months after, he tells me his family wants to see me.....

    Thanks again everybody

Leave a Response