Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His Parents Won’t Let Him Marry A Non-Pakistani Girl

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

I’ve been looking for a husband now for a year.  There were many times when I thought I had found somebody, but they ultimately didn’t want anything to do with me because I am a convert.

However, I recently met a guy who seemed perfect.  We met online and talked for a week or two before we met in person, his older sister acting as chaperone.  Well, we only talked for a short bit, but I found myself immediately interested in him; it was a feeling in my heart that I couldn’t explain.  He was perfect to me: his piety, his personality, his age, his occupation, his family…all fit what I was looking for.

And I felt so excited and euphoric when he informed me he was interested in me as well.  It appeared everything was starting to fall into place for me.  But then he told me no relationship could form between us.  He was really interested in getting to know me as more than a friend, but it would be impossible.  He is Pakistani, and I am white.  His parents want him to marry a Pakistani.  When he told me this, my heart broke.  To me he was perfect in most ways, and he was fully interested in possibly marrying me, but he wouldn’t go against his parents.

Now, I don’t know what to do.  After a month or two of recuperating, I’m back to looking for a potential spouse.  But I just can’t forget this guy.  And it’s affecting my search.  I don’t want to get into too serious a commitment because I feel I might still have a chance with him.  It bothers me that he won’t consider me just because of my skin color and nationality.  I’ve heard Muslims should marry based on piety and not on race, wealth, etc., but I know if I tried to talk to him about this, he wouldn’t change his mind.  I respect the wishes of his parents, but I feel like I’m losing a good potential spouse just because I’m not Pakistani.

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2 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Sister,

    It sounds to me like this is affecting your search because he stated that he is seeking a Pakistani spouse. Seeing as he did not lead you into a relationship, or tell you any false hood, or try anything untoward with you I would advise that you respect him for his honesty and move on without looking back.

    It always hurts when someone rejects us for something that is outside of our control, such as our height, our eye colour, our race or any other quality - and naturally we will feel that we have been prejudiced and we will feel that this is not fair. But people are free to choose their spouses on whatever basis they like, and he is looking for a Pakistani girl and he is allowed to do that and that is fair enough.

    It may be that you seek a tall man, or a brown man, or a white man, or a man with blue eyes, or a man with a certain type of job - it may be that you would not marry a builder, or a lawyer or someone with no family, or someone in wheelchair...everyone has preferences and I am sure you have preferences also - so my advice is to accept that everyone in the world has preferences, and his preference was a Pakistani girl. He is allowed to do that.

    It is true that people should be chosen on the basis of their piety - but it is idealistic to believe that piety is the single factor that people seek in a spouse: many speak language, cultural compatibility, and traditions of their cultures and that's just the way it is.

    Seeing as all you did was meet with a chaperone and have a discussion I can't see any basis to dwell on this or analyse any part of it - it sounds as though this gent paid you the maximum level of respect and honesty and I would advise you just let it go, and move on with your life.



  2. Salaam Sister,
    I am sure that if you got the chance to meet the family, they may change their culturally traditional views.
    If possible ask his sister to introduce you to the family, so they may get to know you better and learn to look beyond your ethinicity!!
    I'm appalled by their ethnocentric views, especially since they're followers of Islam.

    I wish you luck, and remember... it's written 🙂

    Salaam Alaikoum

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