How to approach a practising Muslim man for marriage purpose without falling into haram?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I am a 21 year old Muslim girl looking for a pious husband. Where I live there are not many men who are practising, however recently a practising muslim man caught my eye, and I see him often going to the mosque near my house.
The problem is that I have no way of finding out more about him and I also cannot approach him as I don't want to fall into sin neither do I want anything to affect my modesty or for him to think wrong of me.
I don't know if he is married or not and we have no mutual friends or any people who know us both. Its also not possible at the moment for a wali to help me in this matter. I would appreciate any advice as the difficulty of the situation is giving me negative thought such as " will I ever get a practising husband"? Just want to do things the right way and I trust Allah swt 100% but at the moment I am very confused about how to tackle the situation.
jazakAllah,
Sara111.
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Salaams,
I realize you said you do not have the assistance of a wali right now, but do you have any male relatives that could help you? Brothers, cousins, uncles, father? If you can find any man in your family at all that you can at least show them who this brother is, at least they can go up to him and find out the brother's name and see if he's looking for a wife. Supposing the man is looking to marry and could possibly be interested in you, you are going to need someone to help you get to know him enough to make certain you both want to be with each other.
If you absolutely have no one to work on your behalf, perhaps try to approach the imam of the mosque about the situation. As long as you can point out which brother you are meaning, he should be able to help with the rest. It might be a good idea to go to the imam with your mother or another older female relative, and explain to him why you are coming directly vs. using a male relative.
Rest assured, as long as you keep your standards, you will Insha'Allah find a good and pious Muslim husband. You are young yet, don't get discouraged so easily!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum assalaam sister,
Myself and my family is looking for a sister for me to get married. And I am 25.
I can provide more info if any editor wants to assess the matter personally and check if it works.
JazakaAllah
Sorry bro, we're not a matrimonial service here. Try one of the matrimonial services like Zawaj.com, SingleMuslim.com, Muslima.com, etc.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam aleykum! Where are you from brother? Maybe I have someone for you..
Hodd,
This is not a marriage bureau.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Get your father or male relative to come to the musjid with you and have them approach him! It's that simple
It's not quite that simple, because in many families if a young woman goes to her father and says, "I saw this guy walking by and he caught my eye," he will unfortunately accuse her of being immodest, and he might even suspect her of doing something improper. It needs to be handled much more discreetly than this. I'll write some suggestions below, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So, sister Sara111, I wish you had told us a little more about where you live (for example USA or Pakistan? - huge difference), whether you attend the local mosque, etc.
If the local mosque where this young man goes is one that welcomes women, for example if women go there for Friday prayer, then I suggested you begin attending Jumah prayer. Get to know the women there. You will quickly discover the women who know everyone in the community and you can ask one of them discreetly about that young man, whether he is married or not.
Also, if you have a brother who attends that masjid, and he is someone you can trust and who is sympathetic to you, and will not accuse you of anything improper, then ask him to check for you about that young man. If your brother finds out that the young man is single, then ask him to invite the young man to the house for dinner sometime, but making it seem like it's his own idea, not revealing anything of your interest. After that you can talk to your father and say, "Who was that young man, can we talk to him about marriage?"
I know it seems a little devious but this is how things have to be sometimes, especially if you come from a very traditional culture or family.
If your family is not highly traditional or strict, then you can do just as Amy and Normal Poster suggested above, and go directly to the Imam and ask him about the young man.
Lastly, if you do not live in a very strict culture, you could try some trickery. For example when you see him coming down the street you can go out as if you are going to your car or whatever, carrying a load of books or anything else, and just as he passes by you pretend to stumble and drop everything in the street. If the young man has any manners he will stop to help you pick things up, then you can say, "Thank you, you are very kind, what is your name?" And introduce yourself, and invite him to dinner. Then you can tell your family, "A kind young man helped me today when I dropped my things, so I invited him to the house for dinner as a thank you."
Anyway I'm just brainstorming and these ideas might seem extreme, but sometimes you have to be proactive to get what you want. If you just sit passively and hope, fate may pass you by.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
MashaAllah good ideas brother Wael!
The last one made me laugh though. You do have to be smart sometimes SubhanAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The last example was a typical bollywood scenario which they made a couple of hundreds of films on, lol.
Jokes aside though, good ideas/tips Wael..i know too well how certain cultures make any form of interest in marriage from the woman seem like they are v immodest and loose. And theres no way around it but to be smart. What a shame though!
Was salaam
Brother Wael,
I really hope that last option was a joke because that would cause an uproar in my house if I brought any random person home who helped me pick up something I dropped, haha!
-Helping Sister
What joke, I wasn't joking. I didn't know that Bollywood stole my idea, they owe me some money for copyright infringement... But I didn't mean bring him home. I meant, invite him to come later for dinner, then tell your family, a young man is coming later for dinner, he helped me so I invited him. Also note that I said "if you do not live in a very strict culture"...
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I would have to disagree with you on this one brother Wael (since you aren’t joking).
The last option isn’t something appropriate to do, especially if someone just helps you pick up something you dropped and you invite them for dinner. I would personally feel overwhelmed and doubt someone’s intention of I’d help them pick up something they dropped and in return they invite me to dinner (including their whole family being present).
But other than that great advice brother.
-Helping Sister
Okay, well I was just brainstorming.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@ Br. Wael
You told this sister "If you just sit passively and hope, fate may pass you by."...true, as what we grew up learning that Allah helps those who help themselves, but if Allah has written this man in her fate/kismet/qadr, then whatever she does do or does not do will not matter and Allah will bring them together - see this is where I get confused ALL the time, with fate and supplicating for something you like and want and ask Allah and the world to help you achieve when Allah may not have written it for you.
As you said, Allah helps those who help themselves. Some things are set and you cannot change them. These are things that happen to you from beyond your control, such as birth and death, natural disasters, cancer, etc. However most things are within the realm of your own free will. Your fate is largely dependent on your own actions. Dua' can also influence the outcome of course.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A brother with Taqwa will never look up on a lady who drop things on the street as he may know that these will be the tricks to shaitan to test him.
That's ridiculous. A brother with taqwa would ignore a woman in distress? What a way to show character. Just today I was in line at the store and the woman in front of me was trying to manage her kids and load items from a full shopping cart onto the cashier's conveyor belt. One item dropped from the cart, so I bent down and picked it up, and put it on the belt. She said thank you, I said you're welcome, end of story. I would have done the same if it had been a man.
That's not a trap from Shaytan, it's called being polite.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It's definately not wise to tell yoru father sometimes not even your mother depending on her nature. But usually if you have a nice and friendly elder married female cousin/sister or a close aunt, they can help out.
My cousin was crazy about my brother, so she didn't approach her parents, she just approached my mum, my was happy and said if it makes my kid and my niece happy so be it, they will marry.
It really does depend on yoru close ones, I would never ever do the search yourself, always through a close female relative who can speak to a female closely related to the boy.
Easy wear a nikah and propose and let the marriage happen in 24 hours... There wont be time to fall into Haram.