IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Got a Load of Problems!

I feel like my husband is being taken advantage of by his step-sons and their biological family and it’s affecting me as well. My husband has been taking care of his ex wife’s 2 sons from her previous marriage to someone else since they were small. They are both adults now, and the one step-son still lives with us while the other one lives on his own. I think that they both take advantage of my husband’s kindness.

My husband did everything for the one living with us before we were married. Before he had a car, my husband used to drive him around and would often only get to bed in the early hours of the morning. My husband would cook for him, clean up after him, do his laundry, see that his ironing was done, etc. He did all these things for him despite the fact that he sometimes had 2 jobs and was overworked.

My husband financially supported him too and helped him to buy a car. The son did nothing around the house. My husband used to complain about how tired he was and joked about how lazy the step-son was, and this was before we were married.

Since we got married, my husband expected me to do these things for the step son too. As far as I can see, the step son shows him very little appreciation for all he does for him. He is often moody with my husband and complains when things are not to his liking. Yet he is very kind and respectful to his biological father who doesn't support him and doesn't have much time for him.

The rest of his biological family hasn’t contributed to his upbringing either, even though they are within the means to do so. I think this is shameless! The step-son acts helpful when his biological family is around and helps to wash the dishes but as soon as they have left, then he leaves it for us to clean.

The other step-son who doesn’t live with us anymore earns a good salary but often asks my husband for money and then never pays it back. He knows that there is only one income in our household and that my husband takes care of his brother, yet he doesn’t seem to care. Instead he spends money on haraam things and then asks my husband for money when he doesn’t have money left for his own necessities.

This sometimes makes us short. I didn’t feel like I could say anything because it was not my money but my husband’s. My husband has now stopped giving as much as he used to.

The step son who is living with us has since left his job. This made him depressed and we felt sorry for him. He said he didn’t want to be a burden on my husband. His actions were however contrary to this with his laziness and his expectation that we should do everything for him. Instead of looking for a permanent job, he plans to work for only one year and save up to study.

This would give him sufficient money for his first year of studies. What about the other years? Books? Travelling? His maintenance? Who is to pay for this? The step-son doesn’t want to take any job. He doesn’t want to study part time and work at the same time to fund his studies. He hasn’t found a job yet and is home all day but does nothing around the house. I have to cook, clean and do the laundry and everything else while he sleeps all day. My husband has offered him a job with a friend of his, he doesn’t want it.

My husband helps me with the chores when he’s not working. Eventually I got upset by the step-son’s laziness. Sometimes my husband and I would be out together whole day and come home to find a dirty kitchen which he would’ve caused and just left for us to clean. For a long time I kept it to myself and never complained to my husband. But when my husband started expecting me to spoil the step-son as he does by cooking for him and cleaning up after him, I became angry.

I spoke to my husband about it and told him that the step-son should help around the house. My husband got upset with me but afterwards he said that he would tell the step-son to help out. He didn’t, and I had to do it. The step-son now takes the garbage out but we still do everything else.

Although we are getting by financially, we are struggling a bit. There is only my husband’s salary. My husband fears talking to him about his conduct or about getting a job as he doesn’t want him to feel like a burden. Instead my husband often hints that I should get a job to contribute to the household. I worked in another city and had to give up my job to get married and relocate to where my husband is staying. He convinced me to do so. He said that I could work if I chose to, doing something I liked or stay home once we were married.

I do wish to work but I want to work in a field that makes me happy as I was in my previous job. He says that if I really wanted to work, I would take any job even if it made me unhappy. It appears that the step-son however can do as he pleases. He can go study again, rather than work and my husband will support him and probably help with his studies.

I genuinely feel that all these people are taking advantage of my husband but I can’t say anything because my husband will get upset with me. He loves them and considers them to be family, yet all they do is take from him but he doesn’t see this. I try to earn my keep by helping my husband with his job (doing his admin, etc) and by running the household. I spend as little as I possibly can.

I am now forced to look for a job, even one which I will hate doing so that I can contribute to the household.

Now I feel like a burden. I was never forced to work before I was married. I am angry with the situation because I will work and probably still have to run the household, while the step-son is treated like a king and does nothing and gets waited on. My husband wants to have a child of his own too, so if I work, I’ll be supporting myself and helping to support our own child while my husband supports his adult step-son too.

Is this fair? I have told him that I shouldn’t have to work to support myself. My husband works hard and I work hard to make things easier for him and have contributed my own savings to the house. It saddens me that despite this, we will never move forward financially. He will never be able to see the fruits of his labor because he always has to bail the adult step-children out.

I think they are selfish, putting themselves first and planning their future but not thinking of my husband’s. I think my husband is wrong to hint that I should work. I think that he shouldn’t still have to support an adult step-son. I think the step-son should realize that he cannot expect my husband to support him while he studies and that he should get a job and support himself as he is a grown man.

I think the step son’s behaviour is all around selfish and inconsiderate. If he really doesn’t want to be a burden, wouldn’t he help out around the house with the chores? Wouldn’t he get a job and contribute to the household instead of wanting to study again and expect my husband to maintain him for another 5 years?

Or then study part time and get a job to pay for his studies? Wouldn’t he be more appreciative of the fact that my husband raised him even though he is not biologically his by showing him more respect?

I used to admire the fact that my husband raised them even though they were not his, it showed me what a good man he was. But now I am becoming resentful because he often puts their wants and desires above his duties to me. He expected me to do all the chores until I told my husband it was unislamic that I should do everything with no help (then he helped me) and I am expected to go work but the step-son has a choice and can simply laze about at his leisure.

He stresses when the step-son doesn’t eat (simply because he’s too lazy to fix himself something) and when he gets home, he rushes to his room to ask him if he ate. He never does this for me (though I don’t expect him to). In everything, his primary concern is always for the step-son (as he has shown many times), and I come afterwards. It’s like I’m an after-thought.

-mongolian