I am 17 and I want an Urfi marriage, am I doing the right thing?
Salam, me and my partner are both practicing muslims, and we have decided that we want to get married. I am 17 yrs old. Am I old enough to get married in the eyes of Islam?
The second problem is I am Pakistani and my partner is Bengali so we don't want our parents to know as they would refuse. So we thought we could get an Urfi marriage. We understand that no record of the marriage will be kept, and after a few months we will make it official. In the eyes of Islam is this acceptable? And is it possible to do this in Bangladesh?
wa salam
- ayesha
9 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalaamualaikum,
Sister, if you don't feel comfortable announcing that you wish to marry this man now, how and why would you feel comfortable announcing it a few months later? Imagine breaking the news about somthing like this to your parents - it would be devastating for them.
There are some valid schools of thought which state that a marriage without a wali is totally invalid; and they have their evidences to back this up. The Hanafi school of thought (which is also valid) states that a marriage without the consent of the wali is valid but at the same time is totally immoral.
Your parents have brought you up and made sacrifices for you; they do not deserve to go through such a big trauma. And you probably risk losing their trust and respect by marrying in secret.
My advice to you my dear sister is this: If you both really want to get married for valid reasons (according to Islam, maybe consult a learned person), then ask Allah to give you the courage to 'ask' your parents. At least that way, you are not displeasing Allah. Make the whole thing as presentable as possible and then take it to your parents. The leave it to Allah...
If you want Barakah in your marriage...be honest and do it the right way, otherwise leave it.
Salam Sister Z... You know, I constantly get questions from women who married secretly, whether as a first wife or second, and then they complain that their rights are being denied, their husbands only visit them for sex, the husbands don't want to have children with them, etcetera, etcetera. See the last two questions that were posted today, for example. One is from a woman who married a man who told her from the get-go that eventually he would leave her and go back to his first wife! Another is from a woman who is the second wife, while everyone else is being kept in the dark, including the husband's family and the first wife, and she is going along with it.
I just want to throw my hands up in exasperation. I don't understand what these sisters are thinking. It's so obvious that a man who wants to marry a woman secretly is not honest and is not looking for an open, honest relationship.
Why do these women get involved in these relationships? Why are they unable to see what is so obvious to everyone else?
I think I need to write a long article about this subject, because I am getting way too many questions that all start to look the same after a while.
Asalaamualaikum Wael...
It is a good idea to write a detailed article, but unfortunately the sisters approach this website seeking advice once they are already in the deep end.
Sadly the issue you talk about has become a common occurence amongst our brothers and sisters. We fall prey to these haraam relationship issues because we ultimately lose eemaan, we allow our emotions to overtake our sense of logic. We forget that our lives are meant to revolve around Allah, not around the 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'.
I strongly believe that those sisters who are more vulnerable to this scenario are the ones who have a lack of self esteem.
If they were stronger in themselves, it would set their alarm bells ringing if a man wanted to marry them in secret - because it is an action very displeasing to Allah.
Their alarm bells would also start ringing if a married man approached them with view to a relationship behind his first wife's back - because its also haraam.
Its a complex issue...but you can try to write a good article...
May Allah make us stronger and protect us through His Infinite Mercy...Aameen
MashaAllah sister z, you and brother wael are the reasons why i come to this website. Alhamdulillah I have been blessed, I dont have major issues in my life, I just really enjoy reading your replies to problems our brothers and sisters in Islam have.
May Allah bless you all.
Salam sister,
I am a Pakistani too and I dont think that urfi marriage with a Bangladeshi would work.Your parents would simply take it as an immature decision even if you take this thing to them.It is impracticle.Having a secret marriage with a man who is not even in your country will only end in disaster.
Nobody will be responsible for you . Your parents not knowing about your marriage.How do you think it is going to work if khudanakhuasta it turns out that this man is not sincere.And your parents are not going to accept it BEFORE AND EVEN AFTER YOU GET MARRIED.Please be on the safer side.It is highly risky.
May Allah guide you to the right path.
Just to let you know, please use my life experience as a lesson and i am still having my phobia towards MAN
Not all bengali are like that, my sister got raped by a pakinstani man, after he abandond her, still does that mean every pakistani are bad?
I believe in every race their are few people who giv their race a bad name so sis dnt point fingers at anybody that's not nice.
it is Haram
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, and if there is a dipute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian." Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami' (2709).
Based on this, this girl's marriage that was done in this manner is not valid, because it was done without the presence or consent of her guardian. The basic principle is that they should be separated, and there is no need for a divorce because the marriage was not valid in the first place. But as some scholars regard marriage without a wali as valid (even though this is a weak view), then divorce should be done. It is sufficient for the husband to speak the words of divorce, and it is not necessary to bring the witnesses who witnessed the marriage.
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُ
I'm already married n hv a son with previous married n now I met a Pakistan man n want to get nikah asap but hv a problem with his documents coz he came to my country as a worker n my son dont agree coz he see I 'll suffer n just bring bad luck for the family n my husband already pass away n my son advise me not to make another blunder with this marriage
Wsalam