Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m 16 and he’s 17 and I can’t bear to lose him

heart in hands


I have a problem, and its been stressing me way too much now.

2 years ago, I went to Canada and stayed at my mom's friends place. She had a son of my age, and we became good friends, really good friends, and ended up liking each other... we never ever realized all this, it just kept going on, it wasnt by force, by intention, by asking or anything, it happened on its own. Then after I left and came back, we began chatting, talking on the phone and every way we could contact each other so we wouldn't miss each other.

It did keep me happy, we helped eachother throughout everything, and we both are Muslims, and as far as I know he's a goood muslim.

Now after two years, I had some personal problems, and my exams were coming, there was a lot of pressure in my life, and I wasn't being myself, I started to talk to him rudely, I had no idea what I was saying etc. and until my exams finished I avoided him... the last day of my exam, I wanted to sort out the problems but that night turned into a terror for me, he said he couldn't do this anymore, he couldn't hurt me anymore, thats why he's going to stop. I couldn't take this pain, it literally was hurting in my heart, we said we couldn't see each other with anyone else and didn't trust any other to take care, and its true.

We had made all plans to confess to our parents, to live our future life, exchanged promises and everything, and we had no problems with each other, our love was based completely on trust and purity, we weren't physical or anything after I came because we live in two different countries.  We loved everything about each other, it really seemed like a blessing from Allah, I guess I should've thanked Allah more, but like all humans we make mistakes, he made some mistakes I made some mistakes, I tried explaining what went wrong etc, but he wouldn't agree, he said we'd be friends but obviously its not working, it's making us sad even more to see us be soo fake to each other, which is not us.

We're always worried and under the threat someone else might take our places, and none of us see each other like that, I love him, I don't know why we are doing this to each other. I want him back and everything we've lost, I just dont know what to do. I asked almost everyone and they gave me different answers, none of their answers gave me peace, so I put my complete trust in Allah and prayed that may the rightful decision be in my favour inshAllah....I just dont know what to do next, talk to him, tell him my feelings, not talk to him. I dont want to lose him and what we have. Right now I am 16 and hes 17.

Since that day, I have no peace, I feel like throwing up whenever I eat, I feel tired but I cant sleep, I  feel weak, my heart hurts and as from what I have observed, the situations are completely opposite, like when I was extremely busy and stuff, he used to cry and I wouldn't but now I cry and I dont know about him, hes in the situation I used to be and I am in the situation he used to be. Please help me!

- cheeky

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1 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum,

    Dear Cheeky, after reading your post, I think you and this boy are making a problem out of something that could be quite simply dealt with.

    Although this boy has said he just wants to be friends with you, it is clear that he has feelings for you. One thing is clear cut, if a male and female are attracted to one another mentally and physically it is not possible to be 'friends'. Further, Islam does not allow deep friendships between non-mahrams.

    You are both young and it could be that what you both feel for each other is just a young crush, based on physical attraction and flirtatious talk - in this case I will recommend you stop contacting this person as it will only lead to fitnah. If however, you are both inclined towards your deen and have affection for each other for the right reasons, i.e. good deen and character, then make it simple and speak to a family member to arrange some meetings for you where you can get to know one another a little better and in a halaal manner. Why not see if it can be developed into a halaal relationship through marriage instead of pretend that you are just friends?

    If this develops positively, you can decide with the help and wisdom of both families where you will both live, where you will both further your studies and when best to perform nikah. Islam encourages us to marry young so if you are both sensible and looking out for the right things, then take this step inshAllah.

    If you do not feel comfortable talking to your mother, do you have older sibling or cousin who can intervene on your behalf.

    Do note, when looking for a potential spouse, it is very important to ask as many questions as possible. Find out what his views are on women working outside of marriage, how he wants to raise his children, what does he think the role of a husband/wife are. There are various matters that need to be addressed which is why it is healthy and wise to involve experienced people, i.e. your family.

    'Cheeky' - this does not need to be a situation where you are two love sick teenagers and crying yourselves to sleep at night because you miss each other; there is no need for it. It is quite simple - take the halaal and necessary steps and see where Allah leads you. Remember that both internal and external hijaab must be observed when getting to know a potential spouse, and this will be easier if you involve a family member as soon as possible. When we talk to a non mahram alone, unfortunately the third one to be present is always Shaytaan encourging us to slip up. This includes talking on email/phone aswell. Do your homework on this guy, i.e. find out all that is necessary with the help of your family and then do Istikhara.

    Best Wishes,, Editor

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