Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m having feelings for a non-Muslim colleague

love-triangle-thumb12218992

Assalamualykum,

First I would like to tell you a bit of background before I ask my question. I am married and have two loving kids (Alhamdulillah). I am currently working on my PhD. I never had intention to study that further, however, my husband always wants me to become the main financial contributor in the family. As a result, I started to compete with myself to become a primary household of the family and started studying harder to achieve my goal.  I always try to pray 5 times on time although I can't sometime, but always make it up as soon I'm free or get the chance. I always wear hijab. Besides praying, I share my every event with Allah by simply talking to him.  I truly believe that if only Allah wants then I can reach my goal.

Currently I don't have any goal, actually it faded away. During my undergrad study, I met this unmarried Christian professor. He was simply a professor to me. But he always treated me differently than others, thus, I started to distance myself from him.  But everytime I tried to be away or not deal with him, there was always something comes up that forces me to deal with him. Then I started seeing some strange things in him. He laughs and talks like my father.  These things started to attract my attention toward him. But I never let him know that. Anytime I face any problem in my life, Alhamdulillah, Allah always saved me. This time it is happening quiet opposite. But I truly believe that Allah is with me. It has been more than a year that I have these strong feelings about him and I also feel that he may feel the same way. But I never exposed that to him, because I'm married and he is not Muslim, thus, everyway it is Haram. I actually never felt these feeling for my husband ever. I am doing estekhara prayer to Allah for HIS guidance. I am praying to Allah to help me so I can forget about him. But it is not working. I feel that these feeling getting more stronger day by day. I used to talked to my husband about that professor a lot. So, now he probably thinks that I like my professor. These days I don't feel like to talk to my husband as much, unless I have to. I feel disgusting when my husband touches me. I don't like to be around him or spend any time with him. He noticed the difference and sometime get quiet angry for this kinds of behavior. I know it is my fault. But I have tried to forget about him but it seems impossible. Can anyone give me any suggestion, what can I  do?

AAA18

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

37 Responses »

  1. I don't think your crush on teacher has any thing to do with disgusted feelings you get when your husband touches you.... The fact that you used to talk to your husband about this professor a lot, shows you did like professor in some ways. Deep down you may be feeling your husband is not compatible with you. Have you ever enjoyed intimacy with your husband?

    You don't feel like to talking to your husband as much because professor was the main topic before. You can find a few other topics to talk about. Keep talking about professor less and less, don't stop abruptly.

    You say "I started to distance myself from him." Some times a woman can avoid interaction but her eyes keep saying " I am interested...........".

  2. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Clearly this is a test that is weighing heavily on you. I can sympathize with the confusion you are experiencing, and your desire for relief.

    It's possible that there may be some issues in your marriage that need resolution. For example, I was concerned that your husband wants you to be the main financial contributor, when that is his duty and your right to expect from him. It also seems that your feelings of "disgust" with him indicate some level of dissatisfaction with the marriage, but it is nearly impossible to sort out what is exactly contributing to that without outside guidance and honest communication between you and your husband. Yet, these are separate issues than your main one of the professor.

    The issue, as you've identified it, is that you are having inappropriate feelings for someone who is completely haraam to you. You've made adjustments to address them, but they haven't gone away despite that. The question you must now ask yourself is, how far are you willing to go to resolve this?

    In my view, it would be adviseable for you to consider transferring your studies to a different school, so you don't have constant exposure to this teacher. The exposure only feeds the infatuation, no matter what you might do to counter it. Often in such situations, we tell ourselves we can make this or that adjustment to manage it, but really we are just trying to find ways not to have to let it go completely because we get some sort of emotional validation from it.

    Once you've been able to sustain some proximal distance from the professor, you can work on getting him out of your thoughts. One of the best ways to do that is fill your mind with the remembrance of Allah by reading Quran, developing your personal connection with Allah with constant dua, and maintaining and enhancing your regular ibadah.

    If you find that it's still a struggle, counseling can help you indvidually, as well with your husband as a couple, to find out what obstacles are challenging your progress forward. Of course, you can also submit another post to us after some time of trying these suggestions and see what other advice you might get to help you at that point.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. It is a signal that you are quite near to follow Satan's path .You are in a situation where you can destroy your marriage and your kid's lives and end up in haraam situation .

    How long this course will go ? If you are daily meeting him then yo will loose control one day and end up doing all sort of haraam . How much time per day you spend with professor ? People don't realize that in the name of education,career women ending up spending qulaity time with non mehrem and end up in haraam .

    Only solution is you should try to transfer the course to some other school if possible or quit it for some time ..and try later ...

    Daily meeting with professor will get you trapped in haraam situation .

    That's what it happens when people start defending co education ,working shoulder to shoulder concept .Islam is against it ...

    As per islam husband should be primary bread earner and your husband can't tell you to be primary bread earner . Nowadays whole world is full of people indulging extramarital affair ,haraam relations etc etc ...As per hadith these things will go up near day of judgement ..

  4. Forbidden fruit is exciting but will destroy you after some time . You are in a path of destruction .So far you were happy in the marriage and now you started getting feelings of dissatisfaction in marriage the due to the professor .

    Despite praying and Hijab if you are getting feelings for him that means there is fundamentally some thing wrong the way you pray and follow Islamic rulings ..Most of people who works don't get enough time so they pray fast and quick (without much effect) and these sort of things you need to find out ..You need to concentrate on Quran and its meanings ..

    Imagine when you dies you will be buried in the grave and will be accountable for your actions .

    You need to stop your course else you will be daily meeting him which will create fitnah further .

    I will suggest you to discontinue your course for this year and try next year in other place or with other lady professor ......

  5. I am Shocked to read this as a Muslim mother of two and married woman who prays regularly and do Hijab is now falling for her professor .. Nowadays it is difficult to trust people .
    In this worls some follow religion full heartedly and some just for Show OFF ..There are many people who looks religiously from outside but ZERO from inside .
    Spending time with professor to get a degree is root cause . You need to repent and try to follow islam from heart ...Mechanical way of occasional praying and doing hijab is of not much effect . Become Muslimah from inside and not just external appearance ..

    You have choise either becomes a good muslimah with doctorate or can show to the community that you did haraam to get it ..

    • 100% agree with you
      so many hypocrite people out there and religion is a disguised SERIOUSLY giving good people a bad name is just not on.

  6. some of the comments are really harsh, as though this girl is on the verge of having an affair. It does not sound like she is anywhere close to that. I can't understand why everyone is so shocked. This girl did nothing wrong. She has acknowledged her feelings and is trying to do something about them. She does NOT say that she is flirting with him, spending time alone with him, or discussing her feelings with him. Does she say that she spends hours alone wit him in his office? No.

    It is not unusual for a student to develop feelings for a teacher, especially where a girl has never really received a lot of attention from the opposite sex. That does not mean that girl is going to run into his arms. But the OP is intelligent - she understands that these feelings are not right, and she is seeking advice on how to make them go away. I don't think she is looking for advice on how to avoid temptation, nor is she on the "path of forbidden fruit".

    • Precious Star: some of the comments are really harsh, as though this girl is on the verge of having an affair.

      She seems to be in love......This is what she wrote in her posting

      I actually never felt these feeling for my husband ever........ I am praying to Allah to help me so I can forget about him. But it is not working...... I feel that these feeling getting more stronger day by day,,,,,,,,,These days I don't feel like to talk to my husband as much, unless I have to. I feel disgusting when my husband touches me. I don't like to be around him or spend any time with him......... But I have tried to forget about him but it seems impossible.

  7. I think its disgusting how you treating your husband and how you disrespecting him.

    Sorry to hurt your feelings but have you considered how your husband feels. Your husband isn't the problem YOU ARE. I feel sorry for him coming home to you and the way you treating him like cold turkey. You need to either appreciate your marriage and think about your responsibilities has a wife, mother islamically or distance yourself away from this professor. You cannot TRUST this professor he could be using you and STUPIDLY your falling for it. Open your eyes your marriage is not worth losing for and this is haraam path. This company is haraam whatever you doing is obviously not working because your not trying hard enough.

    These barriers are only there because you created them. You and only you can change this for the better.

    • I'm sorry but using her for what exactly? She's clearly stated that she hasn't hinted anything and neither had he but she simply has a feeling he feels the same way. How often do we get a 'feeling' about something and turn out to be wrong? Where has she stated that he's asked her for anything? I don't know what personal problems you may have but I think you should take a step back and put your own feelings aside. SubhanAllah is this the way the prophet saw would have spoken to somebody who was clearly acknowledging that they're wrong and seeking help?

      • wow you seem to have problems with my post and subhanAallah TO THAT!

        • I think it's unfair to be so judgemental. She is the woman in the marriage who is being asked to act like the man due to her husbands request. Can you imagine doing that? It's a lot of pressure! Also it is normal to have a crush I don't understand why everyone is attacking her as someone said previously not like she told him this or ditched her husband! She is asking how to control it and like her husband again. Give her advice or don't comment you are not in a place to judge as you do not know the full story.

          • @Amna NO its not normal to have a crush on anyone its HARAAM there's a big difference this is not healthy at all.

            People need to have shame inside of them and also have respect/izzat which unfortunately does not exist everywhere.

  8. I agree with Precious Star. Responses here are very harsh. Samina, you say that you feel sorry for her husband coming home to 'cold turkey' when you have no idea if her husband is nice to her or treats her with respect. She says her husband wants her to be the main breadwinner; does it occur to you that perhaps he is lazy and disrespectful to her, and perhaps even takes her hard-earned salary? Let's not rush to condemn this sister.

    To the OP, I think that reason you cannot shake the feelings you have for your professor is because you do not have a loving marriage at home. Everyone craves emotional sustenance, and from your post its clear you're not getting that from your husband. If you two had a loving marriage you wouldn't have feelings for anyone else. Therefore my advice is to rekindle the love in your marriage. Talk to your husband about maybe going on a vacation for just the two of you where you can reconnect. Make a point to dress up for him and make him his favorite meals. Verbally express affection to him, and inshallah he will reciprocate in turn. If you have more serious issues in your marriage or if your husband has a history of being cold or mean to you, look into counselling. This doesn't have to be professional counseling (although of course that's preferable) but if your husband is against it then you can have counseling with elder family members whom he respects. In the meantime stay as far away as possible from your professor. May Allah help you and guide you towards the straight path and bless your marriage inshallah.

    • Thank you for this reply. i think you are very right. I cant beleive how harsh some of the replies are. The OP is asking for advice because she obviously realises that she is wrong. Thats half the battle won. And she hasnt done anything wrong. She is trying to cut the nip. Most of us realise our faults only when its become too late.
      And being regular in your prayers or wearing a hijab or being a mother doesnt make one immune to shaitaan. if it was that simple most of us woulf be free of sin. So please refrain from being so quick to cal someone a hypocrite.

    • NE ,

      You wrote comments which will poison her mind to think bad about her husband ,relationship and to justify herself like because she is not happy in the marriage so she is falling for professor .

      Immediate solution here is ,She need to stop her course and stop meeting professor now as it has went too far mentally ..

    • @NE some women are quick to play the victim card and use the kids has a weapon.

      Your right I dont know whats goes on behind closed doors BUT one thing I do know is if he is the type of man you described then why have more than one child? Also who to say he doesn't work and she takes his hard-earned salary. It works both ways not just the women doing everything men have rights as well.

      • I don't know, perhaps you should ask the dozens of women who've posted on this site who have 3, 4, or more kids with husbands who are mentally, physically, and verbally abusive to them and their children. Instead of making all kinds of unwarranted assumptions, maybe we should just stick with what we've been told. This is a woman who recognizes her weakness and is trying to address it. That is something we should applaud and praise her for. If we attack and shame her the way you and others here have, the next time she faces a problem like this she won't reach out for advice and could end up in even worse trouble. The point of advice is to be supportive and helpful. Let's try to do that.

        • @NE your the one who made assumptions I stated the facts.

          Also I do not want to get involved with pity debate with so called muslims who pick and choose whats suits them then later play the religion card.

  9. Assalam alaikum,

    Your husband should not expect you to be the main financial contributor. That is really strange. That expectation from you, as a wife, alone can change how you feel about your husband to the point of making you feel disgust towards him. A woman needs to feel security in a marriage. Your husband's expectation is stealing that opportunity from you.

    The reason that you, I believe, are feeling *mere* attraction and infatuation towards your professor is due to his characteristics that mimic your father. If your father was someone that you respected and looked up to and your professor resembles him, that can give you the sense of security that is lacking in your relationship. I do not think you are necessarily lacking love and affection from your husband, but your primary need for security is jeopardized hence creating these false feelings of hope in a fantasy world.

    It is relieving that you recognize that this is haram. I am sorry that people have posted harsh comments to you because had you, Allah forbid, done some haram action, everyone would have said that you should have had the sense to stop and you, in fact, DO have the sense to stop! So, Alhumdulillah that Allah swt saved you. Not a single person can claim victory over such a test unless they were in your shoes with your circumstances with the package deal of your life. Dear Sister, I am glad you have asked for help as Allah swt will tests on us our actions, not our feelings.

    In life, we experience jealousy for other people or love for the wrong person or other ill-feelings--and, Alhumdulillah, we will not be judged for those, but rather for our intentions and our actions.

    I suggest that you sit down and thoroughly analyze what is missing in your marriage before you do anything. The things you are lacking are your weakness and a point which shaitaan can try to make you fail at. Speak to your husband about his expectations towards you and talk to him about what you expect from him. Marriages are never perfect and married people have to re-evaluate and work on themselves as normal practice.

  10. I think when so called practicing ,religious people indulge in bad action they will get more harsh comments compare to the one who are ignorant ,new and just trying to learn Islam ..

    • Referring to someone as "so-called practicing" Muslims or hypocrites is unIslamic.

      It does not benefit anyone except to temporarily give the person using such words a kind of high.

    • Dear Golden Hand,
      She is not indulging in bad actions. She has controlled her actions very well.
      Please re-read her post. It is her husband who is forcing her to do something unIslamic by forcing her to be the main breadwinner.

      • Why she is agreeing to be primary bread earner as it against islam .She should discontinue this course and ask her husband to earn money .
        She is also doing wrong as mentioned her behavior is not good with husband because of professor ..
        This is shame for Muslim community as we have such mothers and fathers. How they will give good generation .

        The one wrong can't justify other wrong ..Better she should sit at home as she will take this situation to do all haraam in future if this continues ..

        • @gold hand I agree with you and exactly what I was thinking when i originally read this post in the first place.

          • Samina: She might be a better muslim than you are, so don't be so fast to use a judgmental tone, how do we know you are better, to be judging her like that???

            Nowhere in islam is it stated that a woman has to be stay home. Women who stay home turn out to be like you: judgmental because they have TIME to GOSSIP and make harsh judgements.
            You need to make yourself busy with something useful, what you are doing talking badly about a sister is Haram

            If you want to be a good muslim give her advice, correct what is wrong, show the right way, don't criticize with no point or giving a solution.

          • Aisha
            How can you generalize all home makers to be gossip makers and judgemental? You are wrong to generalize it .

            As far as OP Is concerned she need to quit the course and sit at home till some alternate arrangement Is done for studies to avoid fitna and illegal sex

  11. Start going out with your husband as much as you can, go for shopping, to cinema, or for lunch and dinner with him, go to the places along with your children, go to meet the relatives. make yourself busy, go out with your friends and please take a small break, you can freeze the session for a while. freeze the semester , that will be the best for you, dont go for reasons it is PhD i know but you must take a break or change your supervisor, but changing your supervisor means you have to start from the new, thats why it is the best option to take a break for lets say 5 or 6 months, and cut all the contact with him e.g telling him when you will come to the dept, how much thesis is left, are you working or studying during this break. NO
    take interest in your kid's activities, train them about religion, take classes about religion or start a diploma about languages, designing, makeup etc so that your mind will be far far away from the thoughts of professor and that infatuation will be vanished insha Allah then whenever you will meet your professor you will never have that feeling with you and you will laugh so please take it seriously . Phd is not more important than your family and your marital life.

  12. OP: Then I started seeing some strange things in him. He laughs and talks like my father. ........ But I never let him know that. ......... It has been more than a year that I have these strong feelings about him and I also feel that he may feel the same way........ But I never exposed that to him, because I'm married and he is not Muslim....... I actually never felt these feeling for my husband ever. I am doing estekhara prayer to Allah for HIS guidance. I am praying to Allah to help me so I can forget about him. But it is not working. I feel that these feeling getting more stronger day by day. I used to talk to my husband about that professor a lot. So, now he probably thinks that I like my professor..... These days I don't feel like to talk to my husband as much, unless I have to. I feel disgusting when my husband touches me.......

    You see your father's characteristics in your professor but you also are attaracted towards him.

    If some one likes a person of opposite sex he/she doesn't have to tell him/her, their behavior sends signals as you say I also FEEL THAT HE MAY FEEL THE SAME WAY.

    Why do say "So, now he (husband) probably thinks that I like my professor...."?

    Why do you find your husband's "touching you" disgusting?

    Most likely nothing will happen you will not go to professor and tell him openly about your strong feelings towards him. You professor may never initiate steps to become friendship. Silent communication between you and your professor has been going on for years now and nothing has happened.

  13. I think you need to talk to your husband about swapping the roles that you have. Women are better at nurturing and raising a family and the pressure of upholding the financial side was given to men for a reason and I think this will help your marriage considerably because if you're husband is earning and providing for you, you will respect him more and inshallah your love for him will grow once again.

  14. Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    It is very disturbing reading people throw around the phrase "so-called Muslim" (along with the words hypocrite and stupid). This is a very dangerous allegation and essentially is the equivalent of saying that someone is not a Muslim. Please let us refrain from this as it is dangerous for our own Emaan.

    May we all be reunited in Jannah as we learn from the mistakes of one another, Ameen.

    Do not allow your tongue to mention the faults of other people because you are covered in faults and other people have tongues too. If you fall upon something displeasing of your brother, then conceal it and tell your eye that other people have eyes too. ~ Imam al-Shafi‘i

  15. I THINK TERM so called Muslims and Hypocrites are not the same ..if you see the example of some people like some one calling him or herself muslim and also doing acts like staying in marriage with non Muslims ,defending homo sexuality even some movie actor from idia celebrate festival called ganesha festival in his home which is nothing but idol festival...so obviously people will refer them as so called Muslims ....

  16. You should quit this course else daily interacting with him will further harm you ..Lust will destroy you and family .

  17. Yes ..I think you should quit the course and rejoin next year with some other professor .This course is not worth if you do sins .

Leave a Response