Jealous of his past and his present
How to deal with jealousy?
Assamualaikum,
I tried so much to control my jealousy, but it always comes up in any form.
I been married for 5 years now and we got 2 kids.
I became Muslim about 6 years ago. When we got married I was 19 and I was so much in love that I was not even thinking about anything else. But my husband was married to a British girl before and that girl was non believer. As she was not good, my husband left her without having a proper divorce done. So once we got married by islamic law and we had our Nikah and Walima done in a Muslim country.
Once we came back to England, all the divorce process started and it was very difficult for me to handle as his ex used to ask him to send money and whenever he used to call her, she used to make fun of my look, just to put me down.
He also used to talk to her mother in front of me and i never liked it. But he used to tell me that he is doing it just to get divorce papers signed by her to make divorce easier. Divorce was done, but there were so many ex girlfriends contacting him online and he used to talk to them.
- MaryamK
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Assalamu alaykum Sister Maryam K,
Put down your problem with kindness to your husband.
A husband may have had past online or offline girl friends. What is his present? Is he behaving like a good Muslim? Is he feeling good about the past and still continuing it? If so, then this is something alarming.
Ask him to take necessary steps to get rid of what you do not want in your married life.
With good communication many problems can be solved with ease, Insha Allah.
Hope this helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salam,
Uhhhhhhhh trust me, been there done that. Its such a disgusting thing to be jealous isnt it? I was like this with my husband. I just hated thinking about being with other women before me and those girls still wanting him and blablabla.
You havent really told us if youre husband thrives on the attention or how he really handles it. But one thing I have learnt is that you just need to remind yourself that before you met him, he has a life. If you know what I mean. You also need to remember that your husband married you. So he loves you more than anyone he has ever loved, and you share children, which is a beautiful connection for the two of you.
When I got married and my husband realised what a green eyed monster I was, he did things to calm me down. Like this girl who he was very good friends with at uni, is now married and I hated her talking to him and so he set up a double date with us and I learned to love her!
Im not saying he has to do this or anything like that. But he needs to realise that you hate it and work around you. But pray and look for guidance in patience, and just have a chat to your husband.
Have you ever heard the tale that ticklish people are jealous people? I am absolutely so very very ticklish. So try to be less ticklish 😉
All the best Maryam.
As salamu alaykum, Maryam K,
In the following post you will find two comments, one made by Stranger and other one made by Hopeful, I like both of them.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/jealousy-is-destroying-my-marriag/
You need to sit down with your husband and bring forward all the issues that are bothering you till the point of making doubt on him. Internet, phone contact with non mahran women if it is not bussiness contact is haram, then tell him how much is disturbing you his network social life.
You need to be secure of yourself, if she laughs, she laughs, see where you have insecurities and heal them, she is just pointing out your weaknesses, be thankful to her and get stronger, insha´Allah.
Solve this issues before they are like a snow ball down a hill, you have yourself, a marriage and two kids to fight for, Alhamdulillah, focus on Allah(swt) strengthen your duties as muslimah and do your homework as woman and wife, being your best, insha´Allah, always with Allah(swt) help and guidance, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Maryam, I read through your post and I was about to suggest that you get over your jealousy of the ex-wife before you destroy your marriage, because his interaction with her sounds like the normal level of communication that happens with an ex; then I got to the last line and you wrote,
"there were so many ex girlfriends contacting him online and he used to talk to them."
Huh? Now you have introduced another issue and given us no details. Is this still happening? Is he still communicating with ex-girlfriends online? In what way, and why?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Maryam,
If he wanted to be with his ex...he would be. He chose to marry and be with you. Sounds like your husband is simply taking care of things that need to be taken care of. Focus on the love you have for this man...the father of your two children. Focus on the future that you as a family have together. Spending time being jealous of something you can never change is wasted time. Jealousy is ugly and can seriously damage the relationship you and your husband have built together. Let go, move on and realize that in the end of a long day, it is your bed that he comes to not hers.
Peace