Is there a limit to the number of times one can have sex with his wife?
Sexual Relations in Islam
Assalamu 'Alaikum dear brothers and sisters in Islam! May Allah keep in you in the best of health. I have some questions about intercourse. Please answer my questions in the light of Islam.
Question 1: I have read that in Islam, a Muslim couple can have sexual intercourse as many times as they want, according to their ability and means. As we know, when a man reaches orgasm, or sexual climax, he ejaculates. As a result, the person with whom he is having intercourse, i.e. his wife, will give birth to a child. My question is, what if a Muslim couple wants to have sex once every four months and they do not want to have a new child; how can they have intercourse without the wife giving birth to a new child?
Question 2: Women do not achieve orgasm only through intercourse. I have read that the couple needs to engage in foreplay if the wife is to reach orgasm. Please kindly suggest me some ways in which I can engage in foreplay with my future wife (I'm not married yet...).
Please reply to my questions. Jazak'Allahu Khairan!
- Shafat
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Sex in Islam
Kissing and Foreplay in Islam
By Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
Question:
My husband does not like foreplay, kissing on the mouth, or much of anything of that sort, but I would like him to have a desire for these things with me. I have told him several times in a humble way, but I am very shy to tell him again and I feel embarrassed to ask him.
He is religious, though, and may listen to religious advice. Are there any sunnahs that he can read, about playfulness with one’s wife, in regards to the intimacy that leads to intercourse? I am hoping that by understanding and following our Prophet’s (SAWS) example, my husband will not feel shy anymore, inshallah.
Answer:
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Foreplay between the spouses before actually engaging into sexual intercourse is immensely important (especially for the wife) and a vital ingredient for a happy and prosperous marriage, that which should never be neglected.
The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husband’s part that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on one’s marriage.
It should be remembered that, just as Islam has given the husband his right of sexual intimacy, and extreme emphasis has been laid upon the wife to obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy, at the same time, Islam also recognizes a woman’s need for love, affection and foreplay. It is quite common in men to demand their sexual rights, but they should also see whether they are giving their women their rights in bed.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also encouraged foreplay between the spouses.
Sayyiduna Jabir ibn Abd Allah (Allah be pleased with him) narrates: “I was in the company of the messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) in a battle……The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to me: “Did you marry?” I answered: “yes”. He said: “A virgin or a non-virgin?” I said: “A non-virgin”. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Why not a virgin so that you may play with her and she can play with you?”… (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 1991)
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also stated:
“Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horse and playing with one’s wife”. (Sunan Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Ibn Majah).
Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said: “One of you should not fulfil one’s (sexual) need from one’s wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.” (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)
Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (Allah have mercy on him) reports in his famous “Tibb al-Nabawi” that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay. (See: al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 183, from Jabir ibn Abd Allah)
There are many ways and methods that can be exercised during foreplay, and it is best that we leave this to the mutual understanding of the spouses, as each individual differs from another in exactly what arouses and stimulates him/her, although the prohibited acts must be avoided.
Importance of Kissing
However, as the questioner has asked about kissing, I would like to end the article on a few notes with regards to it.
Kissing one’s spouse is also of utmost importance during foreplay and also in general. It is a Sunnah of our blessed Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer (salat) without performing ablution (wudu). Urwa says that I asked A’isha: “It must have been you?” (Upon hearing this) A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) smiled.”(Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 86, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 181 & Sunan al-Nasa’i, no. 170))
Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) says: “The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss me before leaving for prayers, and he would not perform an ablution.” (Sunan al-Darqutni, 1/49 and others)
The above two narrations indicate the recommendation of kissing one’s spouse. They also show the importance of greeting the wife when entering the house with a kiss and departing with a kiss. This was the Sunnah of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). Thus, it is inappropriate for husbands to leave the home in a hurry without even greeting the wife in a proper manner with hugs and kisses, and then entering the house with the first question on whether the food is cooked or not, or whether had someone called, etc…
Passionate kissing (or French kissing) is also the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss her whilst he was fasting (m, refer to the fiqh of kissing during fast) and he would suck her tongue.” (Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 2378)
Allama al-Munawi (Allah have mercy on him) states:
“Foreplay and passionate kissing before sexual intercourse is an emphatic Sunnah (sunnah muakkada), and it is disliked (makruh) to do otherwise.” (Faidh al-Qadir, 5/115, See: Hadith no. 6536)
In conclusion, it is important that your husband fulfils your right of foreplay and kissing. It is not something that he should be shy or reluctant about. Some individuals regard practices related to foreplay to be “inappropriate” and consider abstinence from such activities to be from piety (taqwa).
However, this is totally incorrect, for who can possibly be more pious, pure and God-fearing than the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), yet not only did he encourage foreplay, etc, but practically engaged in it with his wives, as we have learnt from the many narrations quoted above.
Thus, it is not a sign of piety to abstain from such activities, for there is no place for monasticism (rahbaniyya) in Islam. It is a practical religion where one may fulfil his/her needs in a permissible way. Explain to your husband in a kind and gentle manner, that prosperity in this world and the hereafter lies in following the example of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
And Allah Knows Best
Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
http://www.daruliftaa.org
Salaams,
Brother, if you are not married yet I do not feel it is appropriate to give detailed descriptions on how to engage your future wife in foreplay. What I can suggest to you though, is when you marry talk to your wife about the kinds of touches she likes. If she doesn't know, these are things you can explore together. If you still have questions after that time, feel free to come back and ask for more feedback.
As pertaining to your first question, I am not sure why you would only want to have intercourse once every four months. If you are a newlywed and have access to each other, I imagine at least she would want a little more than that, if you don't! If you don't believe you will be seeing each other except every four months, here's what I suggest if you want to avoid pregnancy:
1. Birth control. Scholars have approved birth control for family planning, although there are benefits and risks with each method. If you want to follow the sunnah, you can practice the pull-out method (basically retreating from her before you ejaculate). Please be advised that no matter what form of birth control you use, there is always a chance (even if slight) that the method can fail and she can still get pregnant.
To tell you the truth, it's not that simple for a woman to get pregnant. She is actually only fertile for one 24 hour period per menstrual cycle! The reason why unplanned pregnancies happen is because the woman doesn't study her fertility to know when that 24 hour period is coming or has arrived. If a woman knows her body and her cycles, it is possible to to know exactly when this happens, and this can help not only with avoiding pregnancy, but also achieving it. Generally speaking, a woman's fertile "day" is sometime during the middle of her monthly cycle, but there is still a lot of variance with that.
One thing I can tell you is that once that 24 hour passes and the egg dies, it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to get pregnant for the rest of that month until her next mense.
I am of the opinion that every young woman, especially if they're married, should study how their body works during their monthly cycle. A comprehensive book that outlines everything a girl would need to know, and I have suggested before, is Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. If you are already engaged to be married, this might be a nice gift for your wife-to-be that you can also study with her.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Shafat,
I agree with sister Amy! The thought of all this before you get married, is exaggeration. Please get married and insha Allah you'll find what you have to do. Moreover, one should NOT talk about one's intimate life, until there is dire need. If you talk about these matters, you will become more and more desperate about having sex and eventually you could end up doing Haraam if you don't get married for some reason.
This will only lead to added problems. So, until you get married, please concentrate on improving your Taqwa and concentrate on earning the Pleasure of Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor