Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My cousin is indulged in the haram lifestyle


I am writing on behalf of an extended family member of mine. My aunt who resides in the west has a son who is 15 years old and is not leading an Islamic life at all. He has been brought up in a non-Muslim neighbourhood and has only non-Muslim friends. He is hardly aware of our deen and is really leading astray.

Recently, his mother found condoms in his room and when she asked him why he has them, he told her that that he was keeping it for a friend. This is blatant lie because he has been coming home late from school to a point where his father has kicked him out for a few hours and their household environment is becoming quite toxic. My aunt is having a hard time trying to explain to him not to indulge into any haram activities but he doesn’t seem to understand. I visited his family last year and saw it myself that he is totally submerged in the western society and their lifestyle.

When my aunt discussed this with her husband, he did not say anything to his son. He has become so distant with his children because he is so angry at his son’s actions. This is just exacerbating the problem.

From what I have also observed, his parents do not have a very Islamic environment at home. At the most, they do pray, fast, etc, but it seems that culture has taken precedence in their home more than religion (like is the case in many Pakistani families). This disturbs me immensely because parents are the primary educators for their children. They pray and follow Islam correctly, but they do not seem to enforce this on their children.

How can we educate this young boy that he is earning the wrath of Allah and is sinning immensely? What services are out there to help young Muslim youth with the struggles of the West and protecting ourselves from the fitnah in today’s society?

-Muslim Brother

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5 Responses »

  1. Salamu'alaikum,

    Brother, every door seems closed. Because he is 15 and would be stubborn and would not listen to anything anybody says. He would do what his FRIENDS teach him/what he learns in their company.

    If you can wisely have some Righteous boys be friends with him and slowly talk to him about deen, then get him to practice and thus out of his sin, it'll be good.
    If it doesn't work, the last solution which I can see is relocation of his family to a Muslim Environment, until he is under control. In this Environment, he should be kept away from any source which could lead him to Haraam, such as the Internet. These are some solution that come to my mind at the moment. Others may have other solutions though.

    Additionally, the parents haven't fulfilled their part of the responsibility in bringing up their child, as you said they do noy pray/fast. If one does not practice, why would they ask anyone else to? They should repent to Allah and seek His forgiveness, then start practicing the deen. And then do what they can to have then son to follow the deen with the Sunnah.

    May Allah Guide your cousin to as Siraat al Mustaqeem
    Muhammad Waseem

  2. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Muslim Brother, unfortunately this scenario is playing out in many Muslim communities. Many parents ignore their religious obligations and instead focus more on culture. Many times they try to assimilate, and act as if they are not Muslims at all. Finally what happens, they realize that their children are going down the wrong path when they become teenagers and that is when they decide to bring them to the Masjid. They come crying to the imam saying that their children have gone astray, asking, can you help him? Many times the answer is, "I can try, but what have you been doing all of these years to teach your child about Islam?" The answer is, they haven't done anything to properly teach themselves or their children about Islam.

    Brother, the problem with your cousin isn't on him, you have to blame his parents. Look at the environment they put him in. He has no Muslim friends at all. His culture is not that of his parents, his culture is of the West. So, if his parents put him in that environment and they have no connection with the Muslim community whatsoever, then this is what you get.

    I would suggest telling his parents that they have a responsibly to lead by example. If they want to see a change in their child, then the change must first begin with them. How can you tell someone to be a good Muslim when you are only practicing your culture. They need to have a connection with the Muslim community. If there is no masjid near them then they will need to find one and travel to it often. I think a little sacrifice on their part is worth it if it is going to save their son.

    Insha'allah that has given you a starting point. Make du'a for your relatives. They will need it.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali

  3. At this stage advice him calmly.

  4. Your cousin reminds me of a friend of mine, you know what he needs someone to show him the light.

    My friend was very western and had sexual relations every other night, clubbing, adult clubs, etc, and he was 18, this is the route your cousin is following, but i saw something in my friend which i exploited very well and masha'Allah it worked.

    To cut a long story short, Sex was 'good' and he invited me to join him on his 'missions', so i went along 1night as a driver to see for myself, i played my cd of sad love songs on our way back after his quick fix with a girl, i noticed he was looking out the window in deep thought after a while, and his excited tone went down to a blunt one, at this point i knew how i could help my friend.

    Luckily i was a psychology student, i knew that intense emotions were great but were just that and would end, what kind of emotion does not end ?, well its love and so i began my guilt tripping about his 'future wife' and how he is missing out on something (you must do this in a clever manner, not a blatant lecture, playing on emotions take time and skill but its proven effective). he decided to get a girlfriend and see what happens, now this wasnt the best solution, but given his previous crimes it was quite good, and that most girls he was with were white and now he was looking for a muslim.

    So he met a girl on facebook, and they began dating over time etc etc and as a friend i kept almost creating visions of his marriage and his 'kids'. this, especially the kids got to him emotionally and he began 'dreaming', this is same for everyone and proven by research. Now i admit the first girl never done it for him, but he had no sexual relations with her and avoided the wild lifestyle, eventually he found a girl who was right for him, at this point he began praying and attending masjid regularly.
    Now he has begun plans for his marriage, and a engagement will insha'Allah be soon coming, what is even better is that this 'animal' as his father called him, is now a 15para hafiz of the qur'an and also lead 4 rakats of taraweeh namaaz last year.

    Big changes were made, but i was confident and it worked, now i am happy that he has become a better man, to be honest it cost me about 29hours of my life, a few burger meals and a pack of chewing gum. but it worked and is possible, but you must be smart and clever, you must show islam is fun and exciting and not boring, teach him sex inside marriage is more intense than anything else, build anticipation until he realises that his western life is not the best and islam is better.

    my personal experience, all the best brother

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