My husband is very distant.
Dear Bilqis,
I have now been married for over 5 years and must admit that things between my husband and I have changed quite alot. My husband has a reasonable understanding of islam and probably knows more about the shariah than I do. somehow I feel that he does not implement it as much in our marital life.
Although we get along quite well and i do feel that he loves me, there is an emptiness in our relationship since we are never intimate with each other. I believe that I lack the level of attractiveness which he desires as he has usually visited pornographic websites, websites of escort girls Etc in the past. I spoke to him about it and he apologized sincerely. I took the opportunity to explain to him about how I feel about our relationship and unfortunately I didn't receive any positive outcome.
I feel like he prefer other women to me, I feel extremely inadequate for him and I feel really frustrated. I do my best in every way to be attractive for him but everytime I. try be intimate with him, he pushes me away subtlely or find an excuse. As a result I get upset all the time and we have petty arguments as I take out my frustation on him. I can't help the way I feel.
Please help me find the best solution to my. marital problem, insha Allah .
- Oceana, England
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A'salam sister,
Intimacy is very importat in marriage, especially to women (believe me I know) but marriage is also about mutual respect and trust. I've looked at different teachings for you and managed to find this:
A woman has been refused intimacy from her husband many times and writes in asking about what she should do: the reply was:
it is sinful for a man to consistently refuse his wife. Note the word "consistently." It is a given that sometimes one spouse or the other won't be in the mood. However, as Ustadha Hedaya says, sex should never be used as a weapon. There is great blessing in satisfying your spouse, even if you don't feel like it. A woman who is not sexually satisfied in her marriage may be led to sin. This is a possibility for both spouses if they are not receiving their rights. Scholars emphasize that a man must keep his wife chaste. How can he do this if he refuses her?
here is the really long bit. From another teaching and advice from learned scholars: I have read it through and he makes some really good points which id suggest you have a look through sister
"The issue of pornography is definitely serious. However, you will drive yourself crazy with worry trying to monitor your husband's behavior. If you confront him with the "what/when/where/why" questions, then this will put him on the defensive. You don't want him to go on the defensive or try to justify what he's doing. What you do want him to do is open the doors of trust and communication. It is possible to discuss this without recrimination. It is possible to let him know how hurtful you find this behavior without turning the situation into an indictment of his character.
Often men will look at pornography trying to compensate for something that is missing in the marriage. Since you mentioned dissatisfaction with your sex life, then it is possible that the pornography is related to other aspects of your intimate life that require some immediate attention. If, for example, your husband is suffering from performance issues, then the pornography might be functioning as his outlet. Men are often very reluctant to discuss performance anxiety with their wives. This reluctance to tackle sensitive issues, however, will only impede effective communication.
Sex is absolutely one of the most critical ingredients in a healthy marriage. If either you or your husband is unhappy with this aspect of your marriage, then the issue needs to be addressed in a positive, open, loving, and compassionate manner. I would suggest trying to talk to your husband about your concerns at a time when he is relaxed and there is no pressure to have sex. Don't be shy about letting him know what you're looking for. Furthermore, this is a chance to understand more about him and his expectations. Try to turn this into an opportunity to explore each other's needs and wants"
Also the most important and effective thing you cabn do is pray for guidance as well, Allah will help those who help themselves Insh'Allah.
May Allah Ta'ala bring you and your husband together in love, trust, and effective communication sister.