My Husband prefers to masturbate than to have intimacy with me
My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs, we have one daughter. . After about 3 years of marriage our relationship started going downhill. . We have been arguing over little things but mainly because he has not been performing with me sexually as he should. . He only ever did it with me when I would initiate it and even then many times he would just tell me that he is tired. . If finally he does decide to perform with me he would not be intimate with me, wont kiss me etc, just does his thing.
I have tried to talk to him many times about this matter but he has always responded that its just that he gets tired with work etc thats why he doesnt do it as much. . I asked him many times is there anything that you would like me to change about me that makes you not desire me. He just tells me that no its not you, I like you how you are.
Many times I have found porn on the computer and when I confront him about this he denies that he has ever been on those websites. I told him things don't just get downloaded on their own but he just keeps denying it. . And then he tells me that he promises that he will never do anything wrong, and I end up believing him.
Sometimes three months would pass without us even touching each other. . This always upset me but I always tried to talk to him but I kept getting excuses and nothing else. . In Ramadhan he came from work around 3am, I came downstairs to find him asleep on the sofa. The tv was on and the remote was in his hand, he was watching porn. . I took the blanket off him to find that he had his thing in his hand, and was actually masturbating before he fell asleep.
He denied he did anything even though I caught him.
Anyway, ever since then he has promised never to do it again, but I dont believe him, and even when I try to believe him he gives me no reason to believe him. . He still doesn't perform with me and weeks or sometimes months can pass.
I dont know what to do. I am very unhappy in this marraige. . I do love him but at the moment I can't stand him. I really dont know what to do.
48 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
hi thx you for your question, after reading your question i can understand what you are goin through. some men fantasy is to be with a porn star cos of there glamour sexcness which is so appealing to them, but watching porn is jus sick, why would you wanna watch when you got a wife at home? i suggest you divorce him in islam if a man aint giving his wife her rights then it is permissasble to seek divorce, hope things work out
....Ahmed, why do you always make such bold statements?
How can you so confidently advise a young sister who has been married for 8 years and has a child from this marriage to just get divorced?? There is such a thing as mediation...
I don't know what to advise, but I do know I wouldn't advise 'divorce' just like that...
Thankyou Sister Z for not advising me to take a Divorce, if thats what I wanted to do then I would have done it ages ago. What I want to do is resolve this matter. He has apologise to me and has promised to make things better, but I dont know if I can trust him anymore.
I hope that someone can give me some good advise on here.
Thankyou
my advise is try to masterbate him intead of him doing it to himself it is allowed in islam too do it to each other talk 2 him explain to him its wrong but if he wants u will help him just talk to him ask him what he wants sexualy
Salam,
I feel your pain sister, and I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Your husband is addicted to pornography, and his addiction runs deep. He watches pornography regularly behind your back, and when you catch him, he lies compulsively to cover his tracks.
I know all this because I am an addict myself, and I am struggling to recover from this affliction. I can relate to everything you describe about your husband, except my wife has not caught me in the act, alhamdulilah. However, if I do not recover soon, it is only a matter of time before she does. And should that happen, la qaddar Allah, my first instinct will also be to deny everything. Porn is an embarrassing and shameful thing, and addicts become very well versed in denial.
Do not believe what your husband says, and do not trust him to stop. He cannot and will not stop unless he seriously wants to, from the bottom of his heart. In fact, many pornography addictions get worse, devolving into increasingly harder pornography and even extra-marital relationships. It is not unreasonable to worry about what else your husband is doing behind your back.
When your husband decides that he really wants to recovery, and I ask Allah that he does soon, he will need to do whatever it takes. Pornography addiction is a type of sex addiction, and it is very hard to beat. Pornography is very easily accessible, and it is very easy to relapse even after an extended period of sobriety. If your husband is serious about recovery, he would join SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) or a similar group and work through their steps for recovery.
A good place to start, for both you and him, is pornography addiction forums. They are a great source of support for addicts trying to recover, as well as their suffering wives. I recommend pornaddictioninfo.com .
Have a look at the addiction quiz on that site -- http://pornaddictioninfo.com/addict_quiz.htm . I guarantee that your husband fits most of the criteria for addiction. The thing is, he may not know this. He probably knows that he has a problem with pornography. And he has probably tried to quit in the past (and obviously failed). But he may not realise that he has an addiction, or just how serious his addiction is.
And that's why you must broach the subject with him.
What he is doing to you is unacceptable. It is injustice, dhulm. You cannot live this way. This is not marriage. You have rights over him, and he is not fulfilling them because he chooses to indulge in his own selfish, destructive ways. Not to mention the damage he is doing to himself and his deen. Categorically reject this behaviour from him. You do not deserve it!
You should explain all of this to him, and demand that he engages in a recovery program immediately. He needs to understand that there are repercussions to his actions. If he continues his denial, you should seriously consider leaving. I am sorry to say this, but your marriage is already hanging by a thread. You just don't realise it yet. If he understands that you will leave him if he doesn't reform his ways, it may be the catalyst that inspires him to action. It has certainly been the catalyst for many men who have sought to salvage their marriages.
I also recommend you read this page, which gives some insight into pornography addiction from a Muslim perspective: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/08/19/pornogrpahy-addiction-among-muslims-stories-tips/
I wish you all the best. May Allah assist you in your ordeal.
I think this answer and tips would help our sister most . SisterZ u still have control in your hand . Just change the way you approach him and don’t expect the result in one night .
1. First this take away from all the access to porn site and videos .
2.Second this do more and more ibada and recite Quran in his presence . Try to take Quran class with meanings and explanations specially on sura annoor.
3. Do more fore play with him . Be more romantic.
4. Taqwa and consciousnesses would help to resolve this issue .
5. Create a religious environment around him always .
6. Neglect some disappointment to stable your mindset .
asalamu alaikum,
sister z i aint makin a bold statement, normally one should not seek divorce until you try all means meanin divorce should be the last option, if you read the sisters question i quote " i dont believe him, and even when I try to believe him he gives me no reason to believe him. He still doesn't perform with me and weeks or sometimes months can pass" and another part " dont know what to do. I am very unhappy in this marraige. I do love him but at the moment I can't stand him. I really dont know what to do." so this shows how unhappy the sister is? how long can a person wait till she finds happiness? i believe every woman needs to be loved and cared for without exception.
just cos a man apologises and promise to make a change doest mean his gonna change, alot of men say alot of things but thats all lip service, so i tell you if you truly love him then take a stand, tell him you are fed up with him, show him where you stand inshallah hope things work out, sister z and khanz please forgive me if i said somethin to offend you.
ma salama
Walaikumsalaam Brother...
Marriage is such a serious and sensitive topic that if we can see that a couple are going through a hard time, we need to be really careful about the advice we give.
First of all the couple should be helped in trying to sort things out behind closed doors. If that doesnt work, then maybe they could get some respected elders involved or see an imaam. Even an Imaam (a good imaam) will not advise divorce just by listening to one side of the story. He'll listen to both sides and then try to find ways to mediate...
All I'm saying is, try all ways to saving the marriage before even thinking 'divorce'.
May Allah through His Infinite Mercy and Compassion, allow us to give and take counsel from His beautiful words... Aameen...
Asalaamu alaikom
sister try to make some changes in urself and in the way u talk with him and approach him in a different and lovely way. Buy some new and stylist cloths try a new style on ur hair and apply make up on ur face and be sure to smell fresh make urself beautiful and attractive so that u can attract him. make ur bedroom romantic.
and the most important thing ask Allah(swt) to put love between u and ur husband and guid him to the right path.
All men masturbate, its just a fact . Its doesnt mean he doesnt love you. I think from watching it so much he has developed intamacy issues. Try to talk to him about it come prepared with suggestion as to how to remedy this problem and be prepared for him to want to ignore it and not want to talk.Tell him porn is not okay but you acknowledge that he likes it and now you want to work on improving your own sex life. Save divorce as last option.
It's a fact that all men masturbate? And you know this how? You've run a poll with all the men in the world, and they all admitted to masturbating?
Give me a break.
Yeah I m a man and all my male friends do. IT IS A FACT. SIsters don't get upset, porn doesn't necessarily mean your husband doesn't love you.
Masturbation and porn are two different things. Maybe most (or many) men masturbate, but pious Muslim men do not watch porn. It is haram, destructive, and corrupt.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thanks Safa, I know what you are saying that all men masturbate. I do understand that all men probably do masturbate but not all men alienate their wife for it. He had replaced me for masturbating so there is something wrong with that dont u think? I have tried all the talking possible.
He has admitted to what he is doing and said that he regrets doing it, and he has promised that it will never happened again. I have to admit that he is trying a lot harder with me, and I am pretty sure he hasnt done it yet since.
I Pray to Allah that he has seen sense and he has honestly realised his mistakes.
i dont masturbate i prefer my wife to satisfy me not my right hand
assalamwalaikum..i can undrstand ur prob..accrding to u ur hubby is adictd to porns n prefer to masturbate..its actualy his mind is stuck to those glamourous girls who performs this they r vry beautiful n all men have lust for beauty.. I m sorry i ve to advise this bt u can try to bcum attractive in front of him..n let him in such a condition dat he wud hav a lust on u..i dnt knw my advice wud work or no..bt wen u hav tried evrythng..gv a try to ths n c wots d change.. Sorry if i hurtd u thru my advice..
Thats ok Ayaan, what you said was not offensive at all, Let me tell you I am a very attractive lady and I keep myself very glamorous indeed so this is why I cant understand why he did this.
Believe me this is not a problem with me this is a problem with him.
thanx 4 gvng a thought on my advice..bt sorry we hav to think sumthng better..c Allah tests people on each step of life.n this might b ur test of patience.. Pray Allah to gv ur husband hidayah.n b patient inshaallah he wud guide u d way out of tis circumstances...mean while vl keep on finding a way out 4 u..if u hav to share ne thng wid me b my guest frnd my id is ...bye tc..may Allah solve ur prob.
your husband got a sexual disorder
sister after reading i am shock, why would a man neglect an attractive woman like yourself, i on the other cant find a attractive carin woman, pains me to see all the good women been taken away by the wrong guys.
thanks that makes me feel better lol. Dont worry the right girl is out there somewhere
Your husband is addicted to porn but that is not where the solution to the problem is.
Your husband is going through other problem, porn is just a vent out mechanism. He cannot discuss his own problems with you. Either he fears you because of your comments or he is ashamed of his situation.
Typical problems can be
1. You and your husband have problems with your in-laws.
2. He has a tough time at this office. He told you about those but seems like you can not comprehend those the way he does. He does not get the support he is looking for.
3. He thinks he can not perform very well sexually. If you are very attractive then he feels that he is not up to the mark and for this he avoids the sexual encounters. You need to give him assurance that he is satisfying you.
4. He expects some sexual moves from you which he already had expressed. However, you said those are not a possibility, Thus he is deviating.
5. If he thinks he cannot perform for a long time then he would tend to deviate.
6. Porn is bad. He knows it. But dont resist or say to much bad thing about it. Porn gets boring if there is not resistance. If you dont complain then he would stop it.
7. Dont argue too much with him, if you see that he has problems at office and in family. Then he will love you much more and share.
8. If he see that you are not against porn then he would not watch it much.
9. How old is your children. Once they are 5 years old, your husband will stop watching porn because he will spend more time with the kids and feel that he needs to be a responsible father.
Things will improve. Dont worry. It is a temporary thing. I think he loves you. He needs assurance and if there are other problem between you and him those needs to be sorted. If both of you have strong different opinions then it is difficult to just have sex for some people.
hi how old are you sis? and how old is your husband?
we are both in our 20s
ok instead of waiting for him to make love with you why dont you take the first step, you should take charge, if you lead definately he should follow, if that doesnt arouse him then watch porn and do it since hes glued to them
Dont you think I have already tried that, like I said when I did take charge he would just tell me he is too tired.
Some of the advice on this site is just horrendous. I can't believe all the suggestions to watch porn with him. First of all, porn is haram, immoral, and logically, two wrongs don't make a right. Second, if you take part in deviant behaviour, you not only condone it, you encourage it, feed it, and make it stronger than before. That's a recipe for disaster, not a solution.
Also, initiating, spicing things up, all of those things have little effect on a man who's getting his sexual gratification from another source. The problem is not with khanz, it doesn't make any sense to blame her for the faults of her husband. The problem is with khanz's husband, and the key to resolving it lies only with him. Essentially, he needs to want it bad enough. You can't just change people, especially when their habits were ingrained over the course of years.
its common in long term marriages some men lose their sexual desire to perform, so instead they do it with their hands since its hassle free and fast to stop his urge. i got some brothers who also doesnt perform with their wives, i asked them why they said due to stress, dealing with other people. if your husband is tired then i suggest you take a vacation get away relief the stress
i was on another site where a brother is in the same situation as you, so you not alone in this situation.
Hi sister,
I use to have the same problem.
What i did is, i left my child with either my parents or in-law, make sure that both of us took leave from work and i seduced him, i tried, n i tried n i tried to divert all his attention to me, as you know we may be too occupied with our child, or housework or full-time jobs, even our hubbies may be too occupied with his job, that we just need some time alone. Guys always feel neglected n they tend to withdraw from us totally.
i also pretend to be interested in whatever he is doing, in your case, pretend to like porn, n pretend to be so engrossed that u start neglecting your housework n stuff like that until he do some soul-searching and wake up from his acts all this while and tend to guide u back (actually u r still d same, u r trying to change him but he doesnt know), he might even be more attentive to you n stop watching porn totally. This is called REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.
As for me, i took an extra step, i asked my guy fren to pretend to keep calling me, and when he started noticing, n r jealous(that shows he still love you), he will start paying more attention to you.
Believe me, I WON THIS WAR of 3 years. YOU CAN TOO...!!!!!!!
BE STRONG....!!!!!!!!!!!
Thankyou Sister,
Your advice is very good and I am understanding what you are saying but I have tried most of this except the extra step you tried. It didnt work for me. I did what you said a while back but he would still do it, so I started neglecting housework, I thought that maybe he will realise what he was losing but that backfired on me because instead of him talking to me he went behind my back and told his parents that i dont cook or clean and dont do anything and then his parents told my parents and it became a big thing.
What could I have done I couldnt say btw I was doing this because he was doing this..
But I think he has realised his mistake, he has started to make more of an effort, and now he doesnt sit downstairs to watch tv when he comes back from work he just comes straight to bed so thats a start. He is not neglecting me anymore mashallah. So please pray for me that he doesnt go back to his ways.
Thanks
Alhamdulilah, it's great to hear that your husband is changing his ways. As Faruq mentioned above, it's likely that your husband took to viewing porn as an escape mechanism. Try to have some open discussions with him about any concerns, pressures at work, and even fears or insecurities. Perhaps he has some issues that you can work through, and then he won't need to medicate his problems with porn.
I know you don't want to hear this, but if he goes back to his old ways, la qaddar Allah, kindly suggest to him that he gets some help. Counselling, support groups, whatever it takes. Your husband may still be addicted, even though he is going through a period of abstinence right now. After all, going cold turkey on a 5 year habit is not the easiest thing in the world. Also, he may end up changing his habits to keep you in the dark (for example, watching porn at work or outside the house).
In any case, I hope I'm wrong and that porn is out of your lives for good. May Allah give you tawfiq.
Salam aleakum
inshallah that everythign is better now. Some more tips from a married sister to another, to help you inshallah:
-play hard to get sometimes; dress nicely and pretend its not for him, just do house chores and ignore him until HE approaches and notices u. I'm sure u can think of more creative ways - u've been married for 8 years so don't be shy!
-use the shock factor: change ur look, the way u do ur make up, or dress or attitude sometimes, if he likes porn then he probably likes extremes sometimes... so give him what he likes without letting him know what u are doing
-u said he likes everything about u, but sometimes they are embaressed to say, so make sure u leave no excuses, take care of yourself in everyway, and constantly try to improve the way u smell, ur skin, ur hair etc.
Inshallah Allah helps both of you in growing closer to each other and reaching the ultimate goal which is satisfying Allah.
Salam,
If you are a Muslim and you want to stop viewing porn, or if you know anyone who fits that description, then check out Muslims Against Porn -- http://muslimsagainstporn.wordpress.com
This initiative is primarily aimed at Muslims, and it provides tools and resources to assist in recovery from pornography addiction.
Jazakumullah khayr, and may Allah free the ummah from this affliction.
Assalamu alaikom,
Sister, please please try to get your husband to be open about this and resolve it quickly before the porn fantasy spills over into real life. If he is not having sex with you it's only a matter of time before he starts acting out these fantasies with real live women. I'm in a similar situation as you only my husband is addicted to porn-type sex with other women and according to him it's been that way since he left his country 10 years ago. Allah knows best but I believe that it began with him watching porn and meeting immoral women to act out these fantasies on. Now he can no longer feel desire from normal sex. Open the lines of communication with your husband and express a willingness to try all the things he likes (as long as they are not haram). Reassure him that he doesn't have to feel shame for liking what he likes when it's with you because you are his wife. Get him to loosen up and relax around you, be his tilth and let him go in unto you as he will. Otherwise this could end in infidelity astaghferullah. May Allah protect us from evil amin.
Salaam, it all sounds very normal to me. You have made him feel less-than-enough about his sexual performance so he would rather not have sex with you then have it and be critisized - so he gets his fix from a soure that will not complain about his performance and not ask too much of him. To attack a man's sexual performance is to attack his whole self - men cannot handle that kind of critism (what if that was his best? what if he was trying really hard and you have told him no good? It takes time to get good at these things) and he has decided that if you dont like it, you can do without it. Now, to avoid having sex with you he is going solo and this is confusing you.
You need to build the sexual bridges again.
I would say seduce him - and then no matter how badly he did, tell him what felt good (not what was wrong) and keep on this way until it turns into a game between you. Slowly he wil start to reassociate you with good sexual feelings again. If, at the end of all of this - you still get nothing out of it - then I would say try a seperation for a week or two - sometimes, we need to be away from the other person to know how we feel about them.
After all, what woman can be expected to come home to the sight of a masturbating husband every night? No. No. Its intolerable. Seperation may encourage him (and you) to realise the love you have for eachother and to stop taking eachother for granted.
I dont think hes an addict and all those other things - I think he just had a ego bashing with the sex being critisied and now he is avoiding it.
Peace,
Jasmine
Salam I have a similar problem my husband...
(Remainer of question deleted by Editor)
Aslaamualaykum Sister,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My husband hasn't been near me since our wedding night. And our wedding night was 45 years ago. The day after were married we came home and he moved all his things down stairs and the same day he told me he was going to work on the mid night shift. I was left alone confused and shattered,for months after that I cryed myself to sleep every night. And after 40 years of this husband retired and so did I, but nothing has changed. I have no idea how my husbands life has been, and I guess I really don't care anymore. I have alot of friends and I have some real close gals who listen to me rant and lend me a shoulder to cry on. I don't trust any man ! My life was ruined by my husband, no kids, no nothing, I now know what hate is, and it makes me sad that I feel this way.
Amy, this is a sad story. But you made a choice to stay with this man for 45 years, and you're still making it. You did not have any children to keep you there. You could have divorced him and found a better partner. I'm not saying it's your fault, but I'm saying that people need to take responsibility for their own choices. It's easy to hate someone else, but it's harder to look at the reasons why we make the choices that we do.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikum Brother Wael,
I have a similar problem like Sister Amy, and I urgently need advice. Can I contact you via email, please?
Thanks.
jm, you can register here and write your own question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your reply. I want to ask in detail and I do not want it to be published here. This is why suggested email. Please, is this possible? I am in dire need of advice.
Maybe this is not possible, but thanks anyways.
jm, you can submit your post and mark it as private. It will be seen only by our editors. You will get a reply Insha'Allah, but of course not as many replies as if it was published publicly.
Keep in mind that no one knows your real identity. You can also alter some of your personal details so that no one will recognize you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
jm,
Brother Wael asked you to write a separate post because lots of people here with different views, ideas and their personal experiences tries to give an answer to your questions.
Writing an email will definitely work but will not satisfy you with the answer that you need.
People need to take responsibility for their own choices. It's easy to hate someone else, but it's harder to look at the reasons why we make the choices that we do.
Lovely Adage! How do you knit words so well? I'm touched by your wisdom.
Sounds like he's either gay or asexual to be honest, and used your marriage as a cover to get his family off of his back about getting hitched.
Reading this posts makes me sad. Sex is vital to a healthy and normal relationship. If it ceases there's underlying problems. May you all find love and peace with someone that is worthy of you.