I have no family, and feel so alone now he has married someone else
There was a man I met through work, and he asked to go out with me. I am not raised Muslim, but I know that dating is not allowed in Islam. I told him that the only way he could go out with me is if he would marry me. He promised me that he would. I am an orphan, and I have absolutely no family or brothers or sisters in this country. I never was introduced to any family in our home country, even though I have tried reaching out to them.
He took care of me, called me every day, and helped me whenever I needed it. My biggest wish in the world was to have a family and I told him this this many times. I was expecting and pressuring him to marry me, but he always had a reason to wait, whether his brother was getting married, or his mother was in Pakistan. Long story short, I found out that during the entire last year of our relationship he was secretly engaged to a girl his mother chose for him back in Pakistan, but he never told me. He married this girl only 1 month and a half
after I found out the truth.
It has been almost 2 years since this happened and I still can't eat, I can't sleep, I always think about what happened. I can't get over it. I cry at night, I cry while driving to work. I feel like dying. I miss him with all my heart. I miss having someone there who supposedly cares
about me. I treated him like he was like the family I never had. He was
everything to me. I can't help but think how unfair everything is. He was blessed with the birth of a daughter, while I still have no one and no children that I so desperately want. I want to know why God has blessed him and he overlooks me. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong, so why do good things happen to him and not me?
I know it sounds very childish but that’s the way I feel. I want to know how someone could do something so hurtful to someone, and then carry on with their life. I’m trying so hard to find a husband and move on but nothing has materialized and I feel like losing hope because I keep getting older. I have tried to go to religious centers and Islamic family centers but no one wants me because I have no family.
-sadiaa
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Firstly we all pray that Allah eases yoru suffering and lightens up your soul so that you may get on with the every routines without pain.
Secondly we all feel your pain and although not everyone can understand exactly how much you're suffereing, we have a fair idea so we can help you.
Now on to the problem at hand, it goes without saying that this man has treated you unjustly used an innocent female to feed his emotional desires prior to marriage knowing full well he would never go against his mother's wishes. I know this kind of man because I almost was like him once. However I read the pain of a girl on the net before it was too late and I ended all contact and prayed for her to forget me.
Such is the way of life sometimes cruel things happen to us, very cruel things that we must endure, we cannot give up and start to feel sorry for ourselves.
You are an orphan and it seems he saw your vulnerability and took advantage of it, so there is the lessons you need to take from this. Don't be vulnerable, don't allow your situation to dictate how people treat you, be strong, be very strong in your approach to life.
The only way you can forget this man is if you realise just how much of a piece of scum he really was, please take it from me, cause I almost did the same thing, he never had the intention of marrying you, you were simply some fun prior to marriage. It's a shame and I am ashamed of my actions too, cause some poor girls suffer because of it.
1. Practise Islam to the best you can.
2. Find things to take your mind of these matters. Go to a female's social group in the Masjid.
3. If you are desperate to start a family, that is outstanding news, you need to go to your local Masjid or the nearest one to where you live and there is no doubt the Imam and the females there will be willing to help you out.
4. Only time will heal your wounds, nothing anyone can say or do will take your mind off him, but the more you keep yourself busy, the quicker you will forget him and forget him you will.
I wish you all the best, smile, life may be tough and painful, but there is always sunshine the following day for you to wake up to.
As-salamu alaykum dear Sadiaa,
I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you. That man definitely abused your trust and betrayed you. But sister, it's time to move on. It has been two years. It's time to let go of the bitterness and move on. You say you are trying to find a husband, but you will never be attractive or appealing to someone else as long as you are mourning for this man and consumed with sadness.
Put your profile up on various Muslim matrimonial sites, use your network of friends. I find it hard to believe that no one at the local Islamic centers would want you. There are plenty of converts who also don't have any Muslim family, and they manage to find partners. The fact that you are an orphan should not be a bar, unless you are the one has very strict requirements for your future partner. Be flexible when it comes to race and nationality, and I'm sure you'll find someone Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please also see some of my articles at IslamicSunrays.com, such as this one:
Allah does not make "throw-away" people
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Saadia,
I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. I, too, have been where you are right now. Two years is a long time to be hurting, but everyone has their own timetable for healing. I hope you continue to pray, while also taking part in other life activities, such as exercise, socializing, eating well, working, and perhaps engaging in some volunteer work or hobbies.
Have you thought about speaking to a psychologist to get some perspectives on healing and on what has happened to you? When you are isolated from your family, your "aloneness" is magnified, as is your suffering. You need to speak to someone.
You indicate that you are getting older. May I ask how old you are? I assume that you live in a western country, possibly the U.S. or U.K. I understand completely when you say that you have difficulty finding someone through local Islamic centres. Not all cities have sophisticated Islamic communities that assist single women to get married. If that is the case in your situation, then do not put your eggs in that basket. I agree with Wael, that you should register a profile on various muslim matrimonial sites, and keep in mind that there are muslims on non-muslim sites as well. The other option is for you to attend Islamic conferences where there may be some matrimonial events....but again, in my experience the number of women far outnumber the men in attendances, and generally the men are looking within the under-30 crowd. I don't know how old you are.
Despair is unhealthy. In speaking to a professional counsellor, you will be able to gain some perspectives on a future that will be meaningful for you. That may or may not involve marriage, no one knows, but you need a "back up" plan. In other words, you need to embrace a future that will be healthy and meaningful regardless of what happens - but it will take work. Our lives never have the fairy tale endings we dream of, sister. As women, we want so desperately to have a happy marriage and children, but in doing so we lose sight of the possibility that there are alternative possibilities for us - especially if we are muslim women living in the west.
I hope this advice helps you.
Dear sister,
Asalaam aleikom.
I knew someone who was in similar situation who came out of it. The best advice i can give you which will make you come of it quickly is to rely tottally on allah. Sis 2 yrs is tooooo long. Know that good and bad things comes from allah, but you need to look after your self at the same time, never let any one take advantage of you because your orphanage, or soft hearted, etc. learn from it and be strong, dont rely, or trust any 1 blindly. You have allah, your deen to keep you occupied, good friends, and you can also join muslim sisters groups. Be assertive, love your self and with time you will get someone who will love you soo much.
I believe with all my hear that there is someone out there for every one.
Amna
U can try this site http://www.singlemuslim.com ... May Allah bless u with a lovely partner.
Assalam alaykom wrb.
sister hope you are fine by the help of Allah swt, May Allah swt protect you from all evil. ameen
Sister I am sorry, I dont know what to say coz um also tired of all these cultural clashes, all these pakistani traditions....seriously but there is a black sheep in every community.
I am going through the same situation, sister dont loose hope. I can understand you. Please try to practise Islam as soon as possible.
Sister hope everythign is good with you now....
Hugg/sister in faith
Dearest Sadia,
I exactly know, what you're talking about (not having guardians, being lonely, wanting to start a family, have babies above all, not able to move on, and the ticking time!!!) and I exactly, have been in the same situation over the past one year. But you know what, after coming to this forum (been here for a couple of weeks now), and now after reading and coming across a lot many similar stories like ours, I have resolved to put an end to this suffering! At least, I do not want to cry over this anymore. For, I think, I am not an ordinary person and I want the best out of my life!!!
No, now I don't want to say, life's cruel, this is sad and this and that, not to you, at least because, you have mourned enough now, and I want the very best for you asap! No, nothing's going to change overnight, but I believe firmly, we can certainly make life wonderful, and within no time! How, we will do it, is for us to figure out! And to help you figure that out, I'll tell you something that I have just realised!
See, the fact of life is, no matter how strong a person is, NO ONE ON THE SURFACE OF THIS PLANET IS PERFECT!!! All of us, remember all of us, have a strength and a WEAKNESS! One sore point, one weak point, one need that makes us yelp, every time it's needled!
For women, like you and I, our weakness and our need was affection!!! And it was so significant, that it almost veiled our ability to judge between the right and the wrong. I am sure, like me, you also came across red flags in your relationship with the man, but didn't consider them significant enough against to the AFFECTION we got, to pause and think!!! And since we ignored it, these men could take advantage of the situation! And once his purpose was served, he moved on without feeling guilty, without feeling just about anything. But not because he never cared for you, but because he took you for granted (there's a difference!). Not because, you're ordinary, but because relationships or women in general, are something that he takes for granted, it is an aspect of his life, that doesn't make him bleed!!! Are you getting what I am trying to say?
You feel hurt, when you see him have everything that you desired so strongly (a family, a partner, children, etc.), but try and understand one thing, even though he's got something you think is the best & ideal, it doesn't mean he's happy! Not because it's not good but because, this is not something, that his heart desires the MOST! This is not something, that if taken away from him, will make him bleed!
His weakness, his sore point and his need, is perhaps, something else! May be, education, success, fame, money, career, can be anything! Things that you perhaps have, but you do not care about! Things that perhaps, if you acheive, can take away the peace and happiness from his life, the way he's taken yours, today! Think about something in your life, that you have got very easily, which he wanted, but could never inspite of trying really hard! Figure it out and build upon it. Take things to a new high, that the man is compelled to notice it! That the man is compelled to feel miserable on account of it!
Am I making some sense here?
..Accept the fact that we, human beings, are very fickle minded, all of us. And what makes the Good different from the bad, or YOU different from your EX, is the amount of resilience and sincerity!
The very fact, that you have survived the biggest betrayal of your life, makes me proud of the fact that you're a strong person. I am so proud of you. The fact, that inspite of your misery, you're struggling on your own and not resorting to any nonsense, proves that you're a resilient person. Again, very proud of you. And the fact that you loved this man selflessly, speaks enough of your sincerity! So now please use your very strengths, in building up your defence to protect your weakness.For once you will acheive what someone else badly desires, but doesn't have, you will automatically gain his admiration! And together, perhaps, you will fill the void in each other's life, fulfill each other's need!
Who knows, that eventually even that EX would beat himself over his LOSS!!!!
So please be strong Sadia, for you're a wonderful woman. And I want the very best for you, because you simply deserve it! Do it, for yourself, do it for someone, who needs you and deserves you! Do it for your children, which I am sure you will have one day and who will be very proud of you!!!
Sending you, much strength & affection,
Weltschmerz
Weltschmerz!you are an amazing human!
Sadia, please excuse the typos and grammatical errors in my post above.
It is routine, as far as, I am concerned. Sorry :(.
Assalam alaykom wrb Weltschmerz
Jazak Allah for your post,that really made me cry.......