Please Help Our Family
Assalamualaykom,
I am Muslim woman married to the same man for over 20 years. I am very sorry for the pseudonym, but I am not ready to reveal myself unless I take a final step which would require your assistance. My husband is getting a copy of this email, but I kept his email private as well.
We have had many difficulties in our marriage due to different upbringing/culture. We have already, during these 20 some years, divorced three times. I have intermittently been depressed in my marriage because of being misunderstood by my husband. He never had any problems with my attitude because according to him, there was never a real problem except that I was rude in my dealings with him. He would continually ignore my plea for help and tell me that I only needed to fix my attitude.
About ten years or so ago, I became interested in learning more about my religion. I began by attending weekly religious gatherings (with sisters only) and then started taking tajweed classes, alhamdulilah. But my real involvement in religious studies started about 3 years ago. Meanwhile, my husband started calling me a "fanatic", a word I completely abhor. Even after I repeatedly told him that I hate this word, he never ceased to use it. He recently told me that I remind him of his mother and has become a complete stranger to me. He has touched me intimately in the past 5 years as much as 3 to 5 times in total. I have to say, those times felt like accidents and did not seem like they were intentional. I never really enjoyed being intimate with him, however I did enjoy his hugs which he now only gives me publicly in front of our children.
One of the things that we always fought about throughout the 20 years was giving time to his family. He is a workaholic and during my children's formative years, he would wake up after they left for school and return after they went to sleep. He provided most of our income, but I raised my kids singlehandedly. We recently moved into a new home and my husband's business has become more successful, alhamdulilah. He has been good (to a certain point) with his time and started coming home for dinner at a resonable hour where the entire family would have dinner together. This was a good change and made me and my children very happy even if he would leave again for work after dinner. However, since the time change, he started going back to the same routine again. He comes very late for dinner or doesn't come at all. Then when he comes back, he comes home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and doesn't sleep until 5 am. When I wake him up for fajr, he wakes up one out of 5 times because he is so tired from staying up all night.
My husband is a good man. He gives in charity above and beyond his duty. He cares for his family financially both near and far. He is a source of happiness to all of us with his positive attitude and his jovial character, alhamdulilah for all of this. On the other hand, however, we are completely incompatible in any way, shape or form. My lifestyle doesn't match his. He has never allowed for any friendship to form between us, not even before I became more religious. Similar to what he told me recently, I feel like his Auntie. He stays in my house as a visitor. Comes as he pleases, goes as he pleases and does what he pleases. For example; eats while walking or in the living room or in the bed after I tell him to PLEASE not do it.
Since our last divorce about twelve years ago we stayed amiable together since then. I convinced myself that a strong family is an unbroken family and this would please Allah (swt). Becoming more religious made me more patient and accepting of my fate. I have been repeatedly saying to myself "May Allah give me better in Paradise". This is what has kept me content and quiet until now. Now, however, when I find my husband going back to the same routine and my children are already grown and on their own in college, I find myself unable to withstand anymore of this. I am deeply unhappy and want to run away as far as I can from this unhappy marriage. I know I will get reward for being; patient, having to endure being ignored and having no intimacy, but I also know that I don't have to. I also know that I don't need to suffer in this life to be granted Paradise someday.
By the way, I have already told this to my husband on several occasions, but he chooses to live in denial by going about his business as usual. He doesn't try to change his ways to please me. This is the reason I am sending this email for advice. My issues are not being addressed by him at all.
Now that my children are grown, I want to have a chance to live with someone that loves me and wants to be near me and enjoys my company until one of us dies. . . . . . . this marriage is not giving me this, unfortunately. I don't know how much longer I can last. Each day is getting harder and harder for me. Please help!
Assalamu alaykom,
misunderstood muslimah
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Salaams,
You said you and he have divorced three times. Sister, are you aware that after the third divorce, you cannot be taken back to your husband? If he divorces you the first time and takes you back, fine. Same with divorce the second time. But if you have divorced a third time it is irrevocable, and you cannot resume a marriage with him unless you have first married someone else and consummated that marriage with them, then divorced them. I think you may want to bring your case before a qualified scholar or Imam, because it appears to me that you are living in a haraam situation after three divorces. You would not be considered Islamically married to him, and all the thoughts you are mulling over about what steps to take next would be moot by virtue of that. My personal advice to you would be to separate from him immediately and seek that issue out with someone reputable who has extensive knowledge about marital fiqh.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister "misunderstood muslimah", as-salamu alaykum,
What Amy says is correct. If you have been divorced three times then you are irrevocably divorced and your marriage is no longer valid.
However, let's assume for a moment that one of the divorces was not an actual divorce (maybe just a separation), and you are still married.
I get frustrated with posts in which people say things like, "My lifestyle doesn't match his," or, "We are completely incompatible," without explaining this. In what way are you incompatible? How are your lifestyles different? How can I advise you when I don't know what the underlying problem really is?
Let me just say a few words from the perspective of a man. When a man works long hours to provide for his family, and comes home tired at the end of the day, he wants to feel welcomed, loved and respected. He wants his home to be a refuge where he can relax and forget about the stresses of the day. You say that your husband always complained that you were rude to him. He also says that you are like a mother or an auntie. You gave one very telling example, that he eats in the living room or the bed after you tell him not to. Frankly, you do sound like an auntie to me. Do you think your husband wants to work all day long and then be talked to like a child, and told that he cannot eat in his own living room?
Since your husband spends so much time away, it's understandable that you would begin to see the home as your domain, one in which you set the rules. When your husband is there, you want him to abide by your rules. But you are failing to see that the home is his as well. You are not offering him the refuge and relaxation that he needs.
You have complained that your husband is rarely intimate with you, but you also say that you don't enjoy being intimate with him. Don't you think that perhaps your husband senses your lack of enjoyment, and therefore stays away?
Have you ever asked your husband what he wants? What you could do to make him happy?
Lest you feel that I am only taking your husband's side, the fact that he comes home at 2 or 3 in the morning is a concern. Between that and the lack of intimacy, I wonder if he might have a second woman on the side, maybe even a second wife.
Your marriage sounds like it could be repaired. You find your husband to be cheerful and jovial, and the kids love him. You might be able to build on that. But you both would have to break bad habits that have been ingrained for decades. Lack of communication, lack of understanding. I can't see how you can break these barriers and begin to understand one another, unless you invest the time to see a marriage counselor over the long term.
Of course, divorce is an option. I can't fault you for wanting to be happy and loved. But if you move on to another marriage without learning to communicate and express your needs (and hear your husband's needs), you risk repeating the same patterns of behavior.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam sister,
I found your post confusing, what is the actual problem, you say he is a good man and provides most your income, yet you brought up the children single handed. You have been married for so long and have come more towards deen and islam, one of the most important things in islam is to keep your husband happy.
Talk to him and see what is upsetting him, and try to understand each other, find out why he is staying out late, may be he is in trouble and needs your help and support, these things are the reason most couples grow apart and often we feel unloved due to the communication break down. May be he needs you to reach out to him, and inshallah once you get to the bottom of the problem you will find a way to be closer.
A happy home is where a husband wants to come and relax and spend time with the family after a hard day at work. If your children are grown up, you and your husband have more time togther pherhaps you should do something you both enjoy, go out for a meal use this time to make your marrige stronger. The grass is never greener on the other side, I have a friend who got married to find love, she now regrets it and wished she had made her last marrige work.
Sister I pray inshallah things work out for you, and I do hope you find the right path.
Assalamu alakum
The advice given here is very unsimpathetic. It is not only the mans job to provide, but also to make his family feel nurtured and loved. The Prophet SAW said that the best man is the one who is best to his family. The sister is asking for help and advice and probably feels lonely, so why do you make her feel like she is in the wrong. The prophet SAW was not lazy he used to do chores, provide, teach and show love and affection to his family. Nowadays some men want women to be Carer, provider, cook, teacher, cleaner and wash service with no or very little help. Marriage should be a partnership where each spouse can rely on the other when they are in need, whether it be with physical or emotional.