What should I do with my life?
As-salamu alaykum!
I don't know how to begin my life story. My first husband died in war in 1995. After 4 years, I got married for the second time,only Sharia wedding. That man was religious and was on Hajj.
First 4 months of my marriage was good,after that he was staying at home, didn't go to work and did not want to do anything. He did not take care of the house, me and my children. He was telling me the worse words,and I was giving him the money to survive, he never payed the bills and other needs. As the time was passing, he was getting worse and worse. After 7 years i decided to divorce.
New problems started. My son did not want to go to school,he was stealing the money from me, and was very rude and disrespectful towards me and his sister. Our life was like a hell. Every single day,there were problems and fights.
Recently, I met a man on the islamic marriage site, he told me that he wants to marry me, but he lied, suddenly he said that he doesn't want to do it because his kids would not accept it. I was incredibly sad, he lied all this time about marriage. Also, he is a good muslim and was on Hajj.
What do you think should I forgive him? Does he have any duties towards me?? What should be my attitude towards him?
Please, help me to decide what is the best for me.
Allah hafiz
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Salaams Sister,
After reading your post you still want to marry a man who lied to you if he was a good muslim he would have been honest I would not even trust him or spare him any minutes what he just said is lime excuses to trap you open your eyes. I have been on the website you are talking about believe you me I learnt a lot never again I would trust any dating websites or any guys. Why dont you sort the real issues out with your children and then reconsider marriage, BUT the man you just describe does not deserve you. Treat yourself with respect and learn to realize not to get so desperate that you become blind what is wrong and what is right Islamically.
Be a good mother to your children as stealing is not on set boundaries to your children, spend time with your children and re-educate them to show you respect, YOU are in control, YOU are the mother. Once you have completely settled then ONLY re-consider marriage but right now I would not consider marriage for you.
I hope this helps you inshAllah
Thank you very much my sister!
My children agree with my decision to get married because I need husband. But the problem is:where can I find husband other than Islamic web site? I live in Islamic way and I don´t go out with men and mix with them?
You have a right to a husband but you need to make the correct choices and the man you just mentioned on your post to me is not to be trusted. I would advise you to spend time with your children has you have issues at home sort them out first. Then reconsider marriage as some men are out there to take advantage of women and I honestly think you are in a vulnerable state where a man can take advantage of you, so think about making the correct choice not desperate wrong choices where you become blind and allow a guy to control you. May Allah protect you ameen.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
Sorry to hear about your life. It must've been really difficult. But with prayers , patience and right decisions, your problems can insha'Allah be solved. Anyways, you said,
So you met a married/divorced man with kids on the internet, you thought he is a pious muslim, you thought he did hajj and you thought he'll marry you but then he lied to you about marriage and now he doesn't want to marry you. Why am I not suprised ? It amazes me that you trust people blindly especially online. Online is a dangerous place to trust people, especially when dealing with marriage. Virtual partner's identity is hidden and so they can misrepresent themselves easily, they can fool, lie, cheat etc other party thus resulting in broken heart, depression etc I wouldn't be suprised if you happen to marry him and then finding out that he lied to you about many things or somthing you never knew about him which will shock you etc. Very risky game you're playing and only Allah knows if he really did hajj or not, if he's really a pious muslim or not etc. We can't judge that over the net neither can we trust them.
He is a stranger to you, therefore you forgive him or not, is totally upto you. My advise would be to forgive him, forget him and go on with your life.
This statement confuses me. Are you married to him or not ? If no, then he have no duties towards you whatsoever. He is a complete stranger and infact it would be haram to continue this illegal relationship further. You both have no duties towards eachother. Your only duty is to fear Allah and leave eachother.
If he isn't interested in marrying you, then you must stop communicating with him, sever all ties and forget him forever. He has kids and maybe wife, and so don't be a spoiler to their lives. Your attitude must be of that when you meet an evil man. What would you do at that time ?
I guess you are in your 40s, I'm sure that you are aware of the fact that pre-marital relationship are forbidden in Islam. If you desperately want to get married, then you may ask your families or relatives or friends or Imam to help find you one. You may register yourself in Islamic marriage bureau etc.
Regarding your son, he seems to have gotten a bad character or is it ?. I'm really not sure what your best course of action would be. I think maybe, try to make him understand. Is he doing his religious duties ? How old is he ? From where did he learn to misbehave, is it from your ex-husband or due to arguements and fights at home ? Teach him of how a son must respect their parent in Islam. Whatever the problem maybe, you must always be a kind, caring, supportive and loving mother. You must control your anger and show patience. Take good care of your daughter and ask Allah for help. If your son is adult, then he may live independently and not cause you and your daughter more harm.
For now, pray the daily prayers, repent sincerely, ask Allah for mercy, forgiveness and help. Make lots of du'as. And before marrying someone, pray salat al istikhara so that Allah may guide you.
That man was on Hajj because he sent me his pictures at Hajj and I saw his face in camera. We talked few times on the camera. He is separated(planning a divorce).
Regarding his duties towards me; isn´t his duty to fulfill his promise about marriage?
You said that I desperately want to get married; well; it is hard to live alone as a single mother without a husband. I am not desperate,I just want to find a protection and support in Islamic marriage.Marriage is sunnah.
My son is 17 and does not perform Islamic duties,he only fasts but he never prays. I raised him in Islamic way whole his life but he does not want to pray. Me and my daughter do all Islamic duties, and we live in halal way.
Sometimes I ask myself whether are these problems in my life test from Allah or punishment...
Thank you! May Allah reward you for your answers! 🙂
Masha'Allah he performed Hajj. But not everyone who performed hajj is a great pious muslim. I've heard of some people who did evil forbidden acts (fornication, alcohol etc) even after performing umrah and hajj and I'm not exaggerating. Furthermore, that man isn't divorced yet, so isn't he having an extra-marital affair with you ? And Doing a video chat with a stranger is a terrible idea, it is unIslamic. Get some relatives, families or friends to arrange a face to face meeting etc if you wish to meet anyone.
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appearthereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands.. " (Qur'an 24:31)
Yes, a promise made has to be fulfilled. But this man isn't interested in you or he may have lied to you or made a false promise just for time past and for that reason, we advise you to leave him. "Satan makes them promises, and creates in them false desires; but satan's promises are nothing but deception ". ( Qur'an 4:120) Every individual has their own choice, like for instance, this man has made a promise to marry you, but it maybe possible that he break his promise to marry a different person who he finds better or etc. Therefore, we must not put trust in everybody. You infact shouldn't have put your hopes high and you shouldn't have build feelings for him, you should have done that after marriage. Anyways, is not too late at all, you can be strong once again.
I said
So I didn't say you are desperate for certain infact I said ' IF ' you are desperate (meaning, you may/may not be, the choice is yours), then find a husband in a halal way with community support. Ofcourse you need a husband to take care of you and your kids, protection, needs etc therefore, do as you wish but do not hasten. First establish peace in your home.
Its unfortunate that your son isn't following the Islamic way. But he will come to the straight path will Allah's guidance insha'Allah. There are many kids I know of who are never practising muslim, but then have become one as life goes on. So therefore, do your best in trying to further educate him, tell him to fear Allah. Teach him the Quran, paradise, hell etc. Show him you love him so much, tell him to behave because you and your daughter are hurt etc. Once you're done with informing him, its between him and Allah of what would happen next in his life. You did great in raising your kids muslims and your daughter is wonderfull in obeying you.
Finally, I believe that your feeling of broken heart, depressed, sorrows etc which resulted due to online activity, is a situation brought by your own wrong doings.
"Whatever reaches to you of good, is from Allah, but whatever befalls you of evil, is from yourself". (Qur'an 4:79)
“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much” (Qur'an 42:30)
Apart from the above know that your life situation might be a test from Allah. Therefore, remain patience, faithfull and strong.
"Be sure We shall test you with something of fear, and hunger, some loss in goods, or lives, or the fruits (of your toil); but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere". (Qur'an 2:155)
basically, forget that online man. Find a husband in halal way and get married insha'Allah.
"…But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah Knows and ye know not" . (Qur'an 2:216)
"It may be that ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good". ( Qur'an 4:19)
steady in finding a husband. Take it slowly. Seek community help. Pray istikhara before marrying.
" Verily with hardship comes relief "
Thank you so much for these great advice! I will pray inshAllah!:)