He told me not to contact him, what does Islam say about his behaviour?
I am a Roman Catholic woman who befriended a Muslim man within the home of married friends. The husband is Muslim and his wife is also a Catholic. My friendship with this man stemmed from a mutual respect and discussion of our faiths - the similarities and differences between them and intellectual discussions. Over the course of 6 months we became closer and he asked to meet me outside of the home of the married couple. I initially said yes but on reflection decided that it was not a good idea given his devout faith and observance of Islam, me not wanting to ruin our friendship and my beliefs and respect for our mutual friends.
He did though insist on meeting and I said yes. He also insisted on coming to my home which I agreed to. We both realized the depth of our feelings for each other but no intimacy occurred. He even felt comfortable enough to pray in my home and everything was peaceful and decent. We agreed to meet again - he was especially determined to. We also agreed that we would keep these meetings between us and I trusted him to keep everything in confidence for the time being.
When I then suggested dates to meet up again as he'd asked me to he said he did not want to meet again, had told my friends everything and not to contact him further. This has put a considerable strain on the relationship with my friends (of 10 years) as he has told them a completely different version of our friendship and coming to my home. I cannot now go to their home (where he lives) nor see their children because of the terrible bad feeling that has been caused.
He has broken the trust we had. I have forgiven him this as God tells me this is the better way. However, he has been advised by fellow muslims/his Imam in Turkey to cut all contact with me and will not explain himself to me which I believe he should do. I have been made out to be the guilty party here which I am not and I wonder how Islam can square this behaviour and attitude. He has betrayed a friendship, a woman and others I am close to. Can Allah forgive him this? I do not think he is a good example of the man or the Muslim that I thought he was.
-gwebb
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In islam if someone wrongs another he/she should ask that person to forgive them, and the wronged person is free to except or not, also they can asks Allah (swt) for forgiveness to and that is between Allah and his servant, if the man is living with your friends then its best not to go to their home till he's gone, and talk to your friend and tell your side of the story, it seems to me that you should not lose your friends over this incident, about him telling so many people i dont no what was gained by it, what can he say that you did voodoo on him to bring him to your house he did wrong and should never have been alone with you end of, iam sorry this has happened to you, you should not judge all muslim's by this incident.
To Zenna, Caring Heart and Maria M, Thank you so much for sparing your time to give insight and advice. (It is perhaps the way I worded my post that pikachu and helping sister misunderstood me a little).
I very much appreciate your kind and helpful words and with all humility I do not judge any other muslim person because this has happened to me. In fact, in waiting patiently for my post to be answered I have been very impressed by the charity and care with which this website is run and the love of God which is at its heart.
Thank you again for answering me - especially as I am non-muslim.
God Bless You.
Thanks to you for trusting us, here many non-muslims come for advice and some give advice too, this site has its roots on Islam, but when we are suffering a glimpse of Hope, Compassion, Love, Respect ....is always welcome, many times just being outside the situation can help to open the eyes and gives other way that wasn´t perceived till that moment, many advicers are well prepared people that work in different fields, others are people that are getting ready for life, others that have a life full of experience and wisdom, ....and there is a special connection that bring all of us together,...there are some posts where you can see ten or twelve different comments, every person brings their unique view of the situation and at the end it is like the sum of them is just one complete answer to guide the person closer to Allah(swt), everytime I see this my hair stands on the air watching the infinite ways Allah(swt) has to make us understand how we relate one to the others, how we can affect the others and why, ...I am sorry, I talked too much. Thank you very much for your appreciation and you sweet loving words.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
G webb thanks very much for your kind words, i just hope you and your friends can put this behind you and carry on in your friendship.
G webb,
my apologies for mis-interpreting your post. I was just a bit confused with this man being your friend's husband or just another friend living at your friend's place.
Whatever the case may be, I agree entirely with sister Maria and suggest that you do heed her advice.
Just as a side note, give your friends some time to let their anger subside. I can relate to you entirely when someone whom you consider close to your heart betrays you and misrepresents you so the responsibility of guilt is off of their shoulders. Your anger is justified and what you’re feeling is absolutely natural.
What gives me hope is that I know Allah swt will rightly avenge me when someone has hurt me intentionally to save face and made me seem as the culprit. It gives me some ease that there will come a time that Allah swt will pull this person’s rope but only He knows when that time will come.
-Helping Sister
yes as sister zenaa said he has wronged you and he should ask for forgiveness from u and Allah as well coz if a man cheat on his fellow man he is supposed to ask for for forgiveness from that person coz is between them then ask Allah for forgiveness.but never judge islam based on one person's mistake.may Allah guide us all.
Peace be with you, gwebb,
You have received an excellent advice already, I would like to add the following. We are all human beings and I believe in a point he was scared of his own behaviour, he repented and didn´t know what to do, the problem is the way he has acted is not fare towards you, but being close to muslims families, did you know he wasn´t allow to date you or to be with you alone?
With time, I am sure everything will be clear, lies fall for their own weight and you will have the opportunity to explain yourself, but know that what you did is considered wrong from a muslim point of view, even when it was just to have a conversation is not well seen that he went to your house or meet you alone, being with you, he has betrayed himself, his family, his friends and his believes, it is not a question of being square, everyone has their own rules, the problem here is that seems that you were ignorant about his duties as muslim and his reaction when he repented has been a shock for you. He was the one responsible for his acts and he shouldn´t approach to you the way he did, I hope that you understand a bit better now what happened to him. Thank God(swt) you have forgiven him.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Gwebb,
Before I give my response, I’d like to clarify one thing: this Muslim man is married to your Catholic friend, correct? If so, then my response to you is as follows:
You write:
He did though insist on meeting and I said yes. He also insisted on coming to my home which I agreed to. We both realized the depth of our feelings for each other but no intimacy occurred. He even felt comfortable enough to pray in my home and everything was peaceful and decent. We agreed to meet again - he was especially determined to. We also agreed that we would keep these meetings between us and I trusted him to keep everything in confidence for the time being.
When I then suggested dates to meet up again as he'd asked me to he said he did not want to meet again, had told my friends everything and not to contact him further.
You further state:
He has broken the trust we had.
Let me ask you a question; regardless of what he told your friends, whose trust did you break? You allowed this
man to enter in your life despite knowing he’s married to your close friend of 10 years, hid your secret meetings from your friends, and planned on further meetings that did not persist as per your wish: so who betrayed who here? I believe your loyalty should have been of greater value to your friends of 10 years than to this man.
The way I see it as is that you were not feeling any hurt or guilt until this man turned the tables around and blamed you for everything. This resulted in your friends believing him as you had not informed them of anything (so who would they believe?) and getting upset with you and now you’re hurt over loosing your friends. Don’t misunderstand me as I do not condone his lies but what I fail to understand is the sudden pain you feel for loosing your friends when you got caught but not when you and him were secretly meeting.
Like sister Maria, I too believe that he probably realized the enormity of his sin and was advised to cut all contact with you and that’s exactly what he did. Yes he didn’t give you any sort of closure which is the moral thing to do but I believe his silence speaks of greater volume informing you that he doesn’t want to keep any relationship with you. And of course because you betrayed your friends’ initially, he took advantage of this and blamed you for everything so he could be free from being blamed also (which is un-acceptable and absolutely un-Islamic).
I suggest that you try contacting your friends and explaining them your situation; they have been your friends for some time and slowly their anger and hurt will dissipate. They may also decide to forget the past and begin a fresh start. For this though you will need to be patient and show them that you do realize your wrongdoing but also prove to them that you were not entirely at fault. In any way you will have to bear their anger for some time as what they are feeling is also justified.
-Helping Sister
Helping Sister i think you mis-read the story she is not talking about the married couple who have been her friends for 10yrs, she's talking about a man who lives with them not the husband another man, that's how i took it ?.
Sister Gwebb, I think what happened was even though you and this man were talking religion you were unclear about the regulations of man and woman in Islam vs Christianity. In Christinaity it is ok for a woman to be alone with a male as long as they do not commit the sin of intercourse, but in Islam a man and woman are committing fornication by 'just' hugging, kissing, or repeatably being alone together (dates).
Your friend married this man knowing this, and was grateful in this-oh I don't have to worry about my husband cheating, Islam already 'banned' most of the things that lead to cheating such as kissing and dates under it being called Zina (fornication). How do you think she feels when her friend ends up being alone with her husband? She thought it was a sin, and she felt very betrayed (Huh? Why did he say this was forbidden Zina but he's doing it? How can I trust him? Will he cheat?! This is cheating in Islam yes.. 🙁 ).
What happened, at least how I'm reading this, is the husband went to the wife saying he committed Zina. The wife reacted quite harshly because she has been conditioned that Zina means hanging out alone not just sex like it is in Christianity. She now no longer wants you in her home because she feels you hurt the family, and she may even see you as a threat (Islam allows polygamy) to her marriage.
I think you shouldn't go over to her house when the husband isn't there as she already said she doesn't want you there. What you should do is write a letter explaining your side of the story, and how you didn't realize being alone together was Zina. She has been your friend for many years, and will forgive you with time, patience, and explanation. If you want to learn more about Islam browse this site, and read the Quran. Interfaith workshops are also wonderful, and you can also parcitipate in those to learn more about Islam relative to Christianity.
Dear Pikachu,
I appreciate the words of wisdom about Islam's beliefs you are trying to share with all of us. However, as a born Catholic, I need to say that according to what I was taught, cheating for Christians is also extended to situations that may lead to intercourse, that including thoughts, and acts of affection that could be confused as more than a friendship. I'm confused as why you had to meet him at your place, with only the two of you been alone several times. It is unfortunate that some Christians take their beliefs so lightly that this is the impression of Christianity being showed to our brothers and sisters of other religions. I have countless muslims friends whom I consider my brothers and sisters, and it has become a religion that I respect and value greatly. Therefore, I understand this fascination for sharing your thoughts and differences, and somehow I can see that your intentions could have not been bad at all, but try to understand that there are boundaries for a married man an woman and it's the same in Christianity as it is in Islam.
However, I may not pass judgment on you, Gwebb, because I understand the inhumanity of a person's actions and may not fully understand your situation because I wasn't in your shoes. I believe this is between you and God. I would expect your friends to have done the same and maybe they should have tried to listen to you before they passed judgment on your actions. You've already received such great advices that I don't think I have anything to add. Just try to understand that this is uncomfortable for your friends too, and try to forgive them if they've judged you harshly. Give them some time, and also take some time to reflect about what has happened, and about whether you could or should have done things differently.
May God be with you and your friends and guide you through this.