Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I get over the person I love?

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Assalamalekum, I am a student and liked my senior for two years now. He is 7 years elder than me. We have been friends since two years and have initially talked on chatting and messages. Initially I did not like him but with the passage of time I developed attachment for him. I always prayed whatever is happening in this relationship is ALLAH's will.

We started meeting around 4 months back. He performs namaz on time and is a good person and hence I gained confidence in this relationship as I saw prosper chances for getting married to him as he is a muslim and comes from a good family. Now we both got attached to him. And he accepted his love for me but he always said that he doesnt want to get married to me and that he is confused and on asking him again and again he said something is still missing. He says he loves me a lot but cant get married which I was never able to understand why. I still kept a ray of hope in my heart and asked Allah to do what He thinks is the best.

Now few days back, I decided not to speak to him forever as his decision of not getting married for me was rigid and I got a marriage proposal sent by my aunt in canada. Even then he kept saying till the last moment that he loves me immensely for the present and will agree on whatever decision I will take.

I decided to stop talking to him now and we are not talking anymore.  But I am in pain. I miss him and everything he said, even though I have accepted this as Allah's way. Surely he knows the best. But my emotions and intentions were always sincere. I developed liking for him as I saw his inclination towards our religion and ALLAH.

Now is there any way that I can get him back in my life and he gets over his confusion? Also if there is not, please tell me the dua to get over him and make some place for someone else in my life which seems to be most impossible for me now. I always felt in my heart that whatever is happening is Allah's Will.  Please do reply.

~Fatima_2


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15 Responses »

  1. salam sister,
    I know its hard but forget this guy, he does not sound genuine to me at all!! How can you love someone so immensly and then not want to marry them, sounds wierd! I could be wrong but it sounds like he was just leading you on and hence he is a waste of time.

    Move on by cutting off all contact with him, block him from any internet interaction with you, change your phone number etc - he has made it clear to you htat he is not interested in marrying you, so now cut him off your life. Do dua to Allah swt to replace him with someone ten times bettter, who will love you and keep you happy.

    Forget about any other proposals for the time being,and just focus on yourself for a while - exercise, pray, and keep yourself busy. Socialise with fgood friends and your family so that you forget him quickly and are happy wiht your situation. InshaAllah you will get over him fast and be able to move on with your life. You sound like a genuine and lovely person so it is his loss, and I am sure you will soon meet someone that appreciates you and genuinely wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you.

    Pls make lots of dua for me too.

  2. assala mualakum!!!!! my name is raees i cnt stop smokin please help me n teel me somthng that i cn stop it thanks bro n sis ! allah hafiz

  3. Waalaikumsalam my dear sister

    This guy is not good sister. He seems to do time pass only by being with you. I'm sorry to say so sister but the conclusion I made is just based on what you were telling to us. If he loves you truly then he surely wanna be with you but when it comes to marriage then he said to you about not willing to marry you. This sounds odd to me.

    You are a nice girl and deserve someone much better than him who will let you feel the true love which can be found through marriage only. I know it must be hard to be away from someone we adore but he doesn't at all deserve your love sist. May Allah heal you from this pain. This is very much normal to feel hurt when breaking up but In Shaa Allah you will get over it dear. You have Allah, keep praying to Him. It may take time to forget him so have patience when going through this hard time sist. Ask forgiveness from Allah for what you had done in the past to keep relationship with a guy who was not halal for you, try to get much closer to Allah, keep yourself busy, do positive things, help your mom, focus on your study and many other things which can help you to move on and be your better self.

    Allah will send the Mr. Right who will love you and keep you happy under Allah's blessing in its right time sist. So be patient and make yourself precious who deserves someone the best, In Shaa Allah, Amin.

  4. dear sister aslamualiqum ., i think that the guy is cheating u .,coz if he would truely have feelingz for u he would love 2 marrry u .,bt he doesnt have so itz bettr forget him ., i know dats not gonna be easy but try .,spend time with ua family rather than spending it with friends or others .,pray nimaaz 5 times a day & ask for forgiveness .,always think about ua parents respect .,inshallah Allah will help u out [ameen] .~!

  5. He's totally a cheater, just trying to play with your feelings. So it would be better for you to just get rid of him as soon as possible and forget him. Don't spoil you future life by thinking about your past. Just let it go, just go with the flow of life.

    You will be fine inshAllah soon, keep smiling (:

    Peace Outt !!

  6. One of the features that distinguish the Muslim woman who has truly understood the guidance of Islam is the fact that she is proud and does not beg. If she is faced with difficulties, she seeks refuge in patience and self-pride, whilst redoubling her efforts to find a way out of the crises that has befallen her. It never occurs to her to put herself in the position of begging because Islam thinks too highly of the true Muslim womsn to allow her to out herself in such poistion.
    The Muslim woman is urged to be:
    - proud,
    - independent and
    - patient
    Then Allah (swt) will help her and give her independence and patience:

    "whoever refrains from asking from people, Allah will help him.
    Whoever tries to be independent, Allah will give him patience, and
    no one is given a better or vaster gift than patience."

    (source: The Ideal Muslimah)

    Therefore, my dear sister in question please never go back to this guy begging him to marry you. please do not become dependant and be very patient. Focus on other things in life and if the brother in Canada is good then please do consider him for marriage but even that please give yourself a bit of time to get yourself over this situation- at least 6months before you say yes to any marriage.

    I wish you well and please SEEK FORGIVENCE from Allah (swt) from your past errors- I.e. premartial relationship.

    Take care of yourself
    Your sister Parveen
    x

  7. Salaam Fatima,

    You have done the right thing, Alhumdulilah by stopping talking to this guy. I understand that it is hard not to question why a seemingly God-fearing man would do such a thing but the truth is a truly God-fearing man would approach a girl he likes for marriage only. He certainly would not pursue a relationship with her at all, and the fact that this man was willing to do this is not a sign of a good man, particularly as he was unwilling to marry you.

    I have been there and I understand how you feel and the pain you are going through. Its confusing when one minute a brother is acting religiously and the next hes telling you how nice he thinks you are etc..And then he is not ready to marry. My question is why say all that then? It shouldnt be said even if you are intending to marry but its a sign he is not serious and is just leading you on. Religious seemingly 'good' guys can be the biggest fitna because naturally you view them to be trustworthy.

    You can avoid this happening again InshaAllah by avoiding friendships with the opposite sex. If you are interested in a brother and he in you, involve your parents or guardians straight away and never speak to a guy alone. 'If you do need to speak to the guy put him on loudspeaker and to know whats appropriate ask yourself: would you say it if your family are in the room?'
    If a brother expresses interest in you, ask him to speak to your parents about marriage. If hes genuine he will go, if he runs a mile/if he keeps making constant excuses then you know his intentions are not pure. In that case you should get away ASAP!

    As for how you feel now, I know it hurts but dont fall into the trap of contacting him.
    It wont make you feel better, it will only make you feel worse.

    Being in pain and missing him is normal, but with time InshaAllah you will move on. So many people have and you are no different. For now dont think about finding a husband or such things. Focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah. Let yourself heal, make tawbah regularly. Take up a new hobby if you can - as long as its halal then its definietly worth doing. And InshaAllah you will look back and realise that Allah saved you from marrying someone completely unsuitable.

    Dear sister you deserve someone who will wholeheartedly accept you as his wife. Do not settle for anything less. Spend time in prayers and reading Quran and tahajjud.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • dear sara,

      asalamualaikum,

      you always give so kind advise. your reply to my post was also so real and kind. mashallah. Allah has blessed you a heart to understand whats hurting . most of the time people know whats wrong and whats right , they just want to know how to deal with the pain and hurt. may Allah keep you happy and protected.

    • tres beau message, que Dieu vous bénisse inch'aallah

  8. my dear fatima..a broken relationship is better dan a broken home...if he feels he is not meant for u for a reason n he told u...he is helping u out....say ds little prayer.....hasbunallah wanima wakil wa idina siratal mustakin...

  9. my dear sis,
    asalamalaikum,

    sorry to know what you are going through. i was in a similar situation like yours . atleast this one kept showing red flags by saying i cant marry you, the one i was speaking to said he wants to have a family as soon as, how many kids i would like, where would i like to live with him, added me in all possible social websites. send me his pics etc. allah helped me that i didnt send him any of my pics through phone, or did not went in a lot of discussion about family and stuff. however it did build my hopes and i started day dreaming about him. its only but natural. he wanted me to come and see him but again Allah helped it never materialised. he was introduced to me as a potential proposal not a friend. same thing happened , one fine day he said he is not ready, he is confused!!!

    i really dont know what this 'confused' means, but one thing is for sure that you really dont want to be with a confused man. you want to be with someone who is sure about first what he wants then sure about that its you that he wants.

    so its good he is out of your life. now you can start to heal. healing takes time. the only way to speed it up is by remembering Allah. i fasted the first month, it helped. then started listening to tafseer of quran on you tube. noman ali khan, and suhaib webb. then started to memorise quran ( mashallah i have memorised 2 new surah)

    i stil feel hurt, jsut last night i dreamt about him. it was so painful when i woke up, the images kept flashing in front of me all day. but the pain is not sqeezing my heart any more. when my mind start to wander towards those memories , i just start saying astaghfirullah, or some other tasbih or just lock myself in toilet cry a lot and ask allah to help come out of this(so that no one else knows)

    all of this is helping, ofcourse there are some more worse moments then the others but alhamadullilah its getting better each day.

    ofcourse the feeling of ' you have been fooled' does not go away but then we must always thank Allah that atleast he has opened our eyes now.

    look after yourself my dear sis. pray for yourself that may allah give you peace and tranquality and help you recover from this painful experience.

    i have made dua for you tonight. inshallah , Allah will grant you a husband in this life with whom you enter paradise and enjoy each others company in this life and the hereafter. ameen

  10. Hey there. In this time people use religion as an excuse to get the attention of good girls. Think about it - guys tell you what you want to hear and they involve religion so it makes you feel as if they are trustworthy, pure and have all the right intentions - which leaves you falling for this guy who you believe you have a future with.

    The first thing you have to do is be patient. You have to accept that this guy is NOT interested in getting married. He may be nice etc, but that's not enough. It takes a long time to actually accept something like this, but as I said you have to be patient. Keep yourself real busy and you have to be mature and understand what is going on - you have to leave your emotions etc and just get over it. If your caught up in your emotions you will never get over anything. I could sit here and type so many things to help you get over it, but everyone is different, but I will tell you this - when you, as a person, actually accept the fact that this guy is not interested - then you will be happy. Trust me. When you are thinking about him and when you are caught up in his words etc you will remain in pain. You will get to a stage where you will accept everything that is going on and the pain will go. I hoe that day comes soon, I really do. Because hunny I know how your feeling.

    Everytime you think of him put quaran on, do something to distract you - over time you will get over it. And all that will be left is memories.

  11. Hi,

    I was in love with a Chinese girl, we dated for 1 year. She also loved me. I broke up with her because she was not a muslim, and I am muslim ( alltough I made a lot of mistakes)

    When we broke up I missed her very much and asked if we can be back together she refused,

    now its been over 1 month, and I feel very depressed and I almost never cried about a girl, but this time it was different she brokes my heart i cried.

    I teached myself how to pray since my parents never pushed me to do that.

    I need a coach or someone to tlak to, feel so depressed

    someone please help.

    • Broken heart, the pain passes in time. Be patient and keep busy with things you enjoy in life. Next time do not get involved with a non-Muslim woman and do not get into a relationship before marriage.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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