Loneliness haunts me
asslam-o-alaikum. i m here again with another problem. i m now 19. this problem is with me since childhood of being lonely because i faced lack of attention. as i told in my previous post that i live my grandparents and elder sister b/c my parents are divorced. no doubt my grandparents take care of me so much but i never had been close wd them.
they take care care of my necessities but they never realised when i m having a problem. i dont want to share my problems wd them because i dont want to make them worry. but i want them to atleast talk wd me on different topics. i have never been given love of mother and i m still starving for it.
my grandmother is a good woman but instead of understanding me she only does nit-picking on whatever i do. i love them so much but they give me very less attention. no matter how hard the situations were around me, i supported myself. i didn't like to make close friends because i am afraid to lose them just like my parents left me.
the real problem started after my elder sister's wedding. she was the only one with whom i spend my time. we chatted and shared many things. but now she has gone to dubai. look everyone leaves me. now i feel extremely alone , deppressed and sad especially at nights. i couldnt believe and understand why do i cry so much. i cant control on crying, at one moment i m happy and at other i m crying .
This is badly affecting my life, my studies. i want to quit my studies because of stress. this makes me feel more worse. i think Allah is also angry wd me because sometimes i watch romantic videos just to please myself but then i regret and feel guilty so much that i think i stink and can never be clean.
If He is happy with me then whatever happenning with me now would never happen. i pray to him to give me patience and strength. but i feel He doesnt even listen to me. since my childhood i feel alone inside. so now i want to get married. but i feel afraid to lose my husband. my grandparents dont realise how much lonely i m thats why they dont even think to make me married.
i dont want to be in relationship before marriage b/c i know it is wrong but i really want a companion in my life because i want someone who cares abt me, who understands me.
i feel really suicidal but i do care abt my family thts why suicide is bad option. i sometimes eat sleeping pill relaxin to keep myself calm but my grandparents dont know abt this. plz help me...i m in complete turmoil. i want to get rid of myself.
is it okay if i pray for my death? sometimes i doubt that does God really knows how much i m in pain? plz reply me soon ...because i cant control my tears and urges to do suicide.
~ samra
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Assalamalaikum-
1st and foremost line is you are not supposed to ask for death it is nit permitted in Islam-
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/suicide-in-islam/
http://www.missionislam.com/health/suicidenotescape.htm
No matter how severe the pain of the sickness may become, one is not allowed to hope or wish for death. The death wish reflects a belief that Allah(S.W.T) has burdened one beyond his capacity and indicates a lack of patience. The longer people live, the more opportunity they have to do good and improve their lot. Umm al-Fadl(R.A) reported that the Prophet (PBUH) came to see them while the Prophet’s (PBUH) uncle ‘Abbaas (R.A),
was complaining (of his sickness). When ‘Abbaas wished for death the Prophet (PBUH) told him,
“O uncle, don’t wish for death, for verily if you were good and your death is delayed, it will add more good to your previous goodness and it will be better for you ; and if you were bad, find fault in your bad (and seek forgiveness) and it will be better for you, so don’t wish for death.”
This narration is found in Al-Mustadrak, vol.1, p.339 and is authenticated in Ahkaamul-Janaa’iz, p.4. As Anas (R.A) reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said, “None of you should wish for death because of some harm which has afflicted him. But if one must do it, let him say:
Allaahumma Ahyinee Maa Kaanatil-Hayaatu Khayran Lee
[Oh Allaah keep me alive as long as living is best for me]
Wa Tawaffanee Ithaa Kaanatil-Wafaatu Khayran Lee
[and take my life if death is better for me].”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, vol.7, p.390, no. 575).
Lovely sister, do not worry about these things. You are a college age student, so get an easy job and get out of the house for a few hours and talk to some people. Did you know that one hadith says that Allah swt only helps those who struggle to help themselves? So please pick up your beautiful head sister, and please stop crying. Help yourself and go to the mosque and find some other lovely sisters like yourself to talk to. We are all lonely until we realize that we are not alone. Allah made so many creatures and people to be around. Talk to a trusted family member or a cousin and open up, tell them everything, or if you are a little bit shy at first then write down your thoughts.
Please do not put tears on your beautiful face sister! Go get a job or find some of your sisters in the communty. And please remember that Allah is the oft forgiving, the knower of subtlties. He knows about you. He cares. I was like you once but it is in my opinion that Allah made me feel lonely from all others in order to make me a genuinely good person and to test me, and to make me realize that I passed even when I thought I failed. These trials make us the strongest, happiest people when they are over.
Please be brave sister! Know that this is part of a bigger plan for you.
thank u sister 🙂
i talked to my aunt who lives in canada as she was close to me...but i think it was worthless. she said that i must complete my studies first, its like she didn't understood me. i only go to university and then back to home. in my class i have only one female classfellow with whom i talk, she is good girl but not friendly towards me. i dont go anywhere else because of lack of convenience (no one to drive the car and i m not allowed to do so) . i want to go to mosque but no female is allowed there. i really want to become social but i am not allowed to do job .
Salam sister samra,
First of all let me tell you something about suicide. Besides it being a HUGE SIN which will keep you in Hell forever, Also the way a person kills himself in life, that same way he would be killing himself in the Hell for the rest of the eternity. So you can understand how painful it will be with never ending pain....
Secondly, Did you know that whom Allah loves the most, them Allah tests the most. Because Allah wants to give a Super special reward will very few people can get. And Allah knows best. Remember Allah whenever you feel lonely you feel very relaxed and calm.
...Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.
(13:28)
And regarding loneliness let me tell you that you are not alone. There are many people in this world who are alone. I was with my family through out my life but now for job i moved abroad to a Gulf country. Although i have everything here but i really feel lonely bcoz i don't have any friends at all. I am mostly a quite person introvert so you know how difficult it is for me to make new friends. And then i came across this verse from Qur'an:-
...So establish worship, pay the poor-due, and hold fast to Allah. He is your Protecting friend. A blessed Patron and a blessed Helper!
(22:78)
This verse says that Allah is your friend. Allah is everywhere, sees all, hears all, every single time.
So this means that Allah will never leave you no matter, All will leave you in this world But Allah will never leave you. Make Allah your best friend. You are truly find peace and its a amazingly beautiful experience. Trust me.
Islam is always about NEVER LOSING HOPE...all negative thoughts make us weak which from our worst enemy Shaitan.
Now right i can see that you are highly under the influence of Shaitan. He is telling all negative things and making you feel that you are the most unlucky person in the world. He has become very strong infront of you.
Make him weak by remembering Allah as much as possible. Then he will become weak.
...and remember Allah often that you may succeed.
(62:10)
And remember you are never alone. Allah is always with you...Talk to Allah whenever you feel depressed or lonely. It helped me a lot. Learn more about Islam. Read our beloved prophet's (pbuh) story. You will come to know how much pain he suffered in his life time and then you will realize that your pain is nothing in comparison.
Hope this helps you sister.
Assalamu aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barkatuhu.
PS. Talk to your grand mother regarding your marriage don't be shy.
Samra,
I am sorry that your parents were never there for you. My parents divorced when I was two years old and my dad simply walked away as if we didn't exist. I know the pain of losing one parent, I cannot fathom the loss of two. Even at home, my mother was never what I would call a loving parent. I guess it would suffice to say that say that she did her job to raise us the best she could under very difficult circumstances. I did not have the love you speak of however, I made my own way in life. You can too.
You popping sleeping pills is not the answer to your dilemma, nor is praying for death. If you only knew how blessed you are to have your health...your sight and so forth. Have you once pulled your grandmother aside and told her how you are feeling? If you have not, I suggest you try. Your grandmother has a lot of things going on in her head and maybe she isn't even aware of how low you are feeling.
Don't ever think of leaving your studies, that would be a huge mistake. Keep yourself busy and don't sit around dwelling on the negative. Take control of how you feel and take steps to change it. Think about tomorrow and the years ahead. God willing a good man will come to ask for your hand in marriage. You can give this man all the love you possess and God willing he will give that very same love back to you. Know that we are all tested in this life sister...some more than others. I don't know of any one person whose life is what we tend to see in hollywood films. Do the very best you can with what you have and put your faith in Allah as he has something better in store for you.
Salam
-Make sure you pray your prayers on time
-DO YOUR MORNING AZKAR and evening azkar. very very important. makedua.com
Do all of them daily.
-Make a lot of dua for good company and for happiness and guidance and contentment.
**Read ALL OF SURAH baqarah every 3 days.
Please I beg of you to follow this advice.
Samra, its so simple.
Suicide is haraam in islam so u wont do it.
u dint get any love in childhood, so u can b sure Allah has kept all the love pending.
So obviously u will live in hope of good days.
u will hold on till Allah sends love in your life. May b this love is really close to reaching u. now u would obviously wait for it right and not die without being loved ever.
I know so many people like you who dint get any love and are praying to Allah and waiting. You are not alone.
Everything happens at the right time. Love will come in your life at the right time and so will death.
Dont try to do everything on your own and when you feel depressed, just stop thinking and take a nap.
A good long sleep will make your mind feel happy about life. Its that easy to tackle depression.
If happiness is not coming to you, try giving happiness to someone. Its like a circle and this happiness will come back to you in one way or another.
And always look at people who are in more pain and trouble than you are like starving children of africa or children dealing with cancer. You will feel happy about your condition. Always thank Allah for the numerous blessings he gives us. Isnt clean food and water everyday , a blessing to us, even though we dont pray regularly.
Lastly, pray more salah and ask Allah what you want in your sincere dua, because that is from where everything comes. Take care samra and hope this made you feel better.
Hi samra
Pray everyday five time daily, and inshALLAH one day all your problems will be solved. Never think of suicide ALLAH has given you a beautiful life, be grateful to him. One day He will give you peace, and happiness. Keep your faith in ALLAH..
assalamualaikum sister,
Ever heard of generation gap my dear sis? this term is often used when discussing the lack of communication between people from different generations. in your case the gap is big enough for u to feel lonely and misunderstood. though I feel sympathy for you I also feel sorry for your grandparents too. They are not only old and tired. they r dealing with the depression of their own. your parents' divorce must have beaten them hollow I guess or maybe some sort of a serious impact we can't imagine. Allah knows how they are dealing with it coz they are too kind and sensitive to burden you with their frustration. Aging is a painful process in many ways. It does not only degenerates the body but also affects the mental and emotional balance. If you are 19 with an elder sister then I can assume how old your grandparents must be. at this age they should be taken care of and should be allowed to spend a peaceful life in Allah's worship and ease but Allah tests us till our last breath and may He elevate their position since they were on double duty in this life. I still regret the fact that I did nothing for my grandparents when they lived. I debt remember giving my ailing grandma a foot rub. I was so bad. I realised this now when it is closertoo late. may Allah bless their souls.
My youngest sister went through this difficult phase when I was married away. she was in the habit of eating straight from my hands and sleeping on my arm. she is 7 yrs younger to me and I treated her like my baby so my sudden and permanent departure from her life pushed her into this temporary but a long phase of depression. in your case your sister was perhaps the only person being from your generation understood your plight plus both of you were dealing with the same issues so yes the depression is natural. but if this consuming you and looks like its here to stay, then you and must meet a doctor who can diagnose iyour condition well enough to establish if your depression stems out of your circumstances or its clinical. on those basis he will decide the course of treatment.
many couples get divorced. Allah knows best what they were going through together. the result of the divorce must have brought them some relief but your lives changed forever. I cannot put myself in your shoes but I'm wise enough to guess why Allah dislikes it. loss of a human life whether to death or otherwise is extremely painful and I have suffered such a loss of such a magnitude that shook my world and my world down and tore me apart and all that when I was a bit younger than you r now. I was alone and none shared my plight. it has been many years now whenbut the thought of that pain still fills my eyes and chokes my throat. people come into our lives for a reason and leave it by Allah's will leave it for a better reason. we will perhaps never understand how such a loss may bring us any profit but again Allah knows best.
You are so young and your life has just begun. do not allow your loss to consume you so much that you should find pleasure in thinking about death. Death btw is not the end as we know already so why not spend this imperfect one in planning and investing for the one that awaits. Try to understand that you are special for Allah coz he is close to that slave that grieves for a loss but at the same time he is closer and pleased with that one who shows his gratitude by accepting his will.
love your grandparents, try to understand them. they are suffering and leading a more difficult life has with little hope for relief in near future. Make yourself useful and spend more time in worship and invocation. may Allah bring you peace and relief. amen.
plz ignore my typos as I was writing to you in a moving vehicle on my little phone.
Walikum salam sister!
Well, I can't completely put myself in your shoes. But, I kinda understand how it really feels, sister. You want attention as we all do in different ways. you wanna to be loved as we all do but some shows it and some hides it. And I know how it really feels when you couldn't find it what you're really looking for here & there. But, sister death is not a solution! if you die with sins (I mean major ones) in your account then it's going to be more worse after life. And ALLAH pak knows everything sister, we're in this dunia(world) for some reason. Everyone have different stuff to fight and to struggle with for their life time, it means you're fight is with your loneliness! Don't let the loneliness win this battle sister. I know it's easy for me to just type but hard for you to follow. And sister you watch romantic stuff is because of Nafs not anything else, you just get bored and your Nafs goes like let's watch this and that and we think it's us. But it's really our nafs, I know this because I've been and I am victim of it. Whenever I get bored or really down or start feeling dead I just do whatever my Nafs tells me to do to entertain my Nafs I do Nauzbillah things(May ALLAH forgive me & guide me) but after the pleasure is over then the real drama begins your modesty slowly fades away you don't really feel anything after something you become numb and all that, then you end up doing more major sin then just watching it. And after this act, the guilt and regrets stays with you forever. It destroys your life and lives of people who are around you.
Sorry for long comment!
May ALLAH pak bless you here & hereafter!
And sister! take me as your friend & In sha ALLAH I won't leave you!
I love u as sister for sake of ALLAH!
My dear sweet sister,
I hope you realize that Allah (swt) has chosen for you to live over so many people, and for that you are blessed with the opportunities of life.
I cannot imagine that lonliness or difficulties you have endured, I am sure it is sad and difficult but never forget to find things as simple as pleasant weather, or a delicous meal to be grateful for. You may not realize it but you are in such a privlidged place in your life living in a home of people who love you, your with your grandparents and be grateful for that, you have a loving home. I know its hard when you feel so down, but you have something huge on your side and that is your youth, inshAllah you have a long life ahead of you.
Ofrcourse do your prayers, practice, read Quran and try to read some Islamic books you can find perhaps online on self-fulfillment that will enrich your knowledge of your deen and help you understand yourself.
Most importantly start working on loving yourself, before you depend on others because unfortunatley people will dissapoint you. Try to find a hobby(baking, reading, writing poetry, etc..) whatever makes you happy, try to join a gym and do some classes (that sounds silly but workouts are a wonderful way to make you feel good about yourself). Work on yourself, make yourself someone that when you look in the mirror you smile at yourself and feel loved by your self-content.
Really work hard at your studies, pick a major you can build a career in, and focus. Education is invaluable for a woman it will forever be your best friend, and a great way to express your talents and gain self-satisfaction. Try to study something you love, find a passion, I am not sure what your major is but you dont have to study a subject just because of cultural biases, pick something you want to do.
Then inshAllah try to make some friendsi if you cant make friends your age just do a daily skype with those you miss. InshAllah soon your lonliness will diminish.
PLEASE do not look for a spouse until you have done these things, men can be very cruel unfortunatley and will easily take advantage of a needy or unconfident and unhappy woman. You NEVER want your husband to be your only happiness, because he may use that to manipulate you for the rest of your life. InshAllah you will be blessed with the kindest husband, and inshAllah amazing inlaws who will love and treasure you as you deserve, but before you make that decision please be careful and do lots of istikhara dont rush! Until then work on making yourself a stronger woman, love yourself, and find things in life that making you happy and are self-fulfilling.
Your are so lucky, so young, lots of women wish they could go back to your age and remake the right decisions. Take advantage of this opportunity you have been blessed with, the opportunity to live your life 🙂