Am I being insecure about her past or should I avoid her?
Assalaamulaikum. Alhamdulillah I'm a 27 year old Muslim man who has never been married. I am currently in talks with a girl about marriage inshaAllah. The problem is the girl wasn't a practicing Muslim before and has let slip of numerous pre marital partners beforehand.
This has got me thinking as to whether I should carry on talking to this girl about marriage or whether I am just being insecure.
The reason I ask is because I've always believed sex was something to be done once married and although it's not been easy living in the West Alhamdulillah I am where I am. Please can you give me advice because all I'm getting in my head is the premarital sex with numerous partners.
Thing is I wouldn't mind had she been married before because sex is obviously a part of marriage. But it's the fact that it was done outside the boundaries of marriage that is affecting me.
Jazakullah khayran
-manc_h_j
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Salaam manc_h_j
Yes it is her past and if she has repented she should not be judged for it and she is lawful to you (if you are chaste yourself - but do not tell us whether you are or not. Previous sins should be concealed so it was not right of her to tell you.) In an ideal world, we wouldnt be bothered by someones past if they had repented.
BUT- Listen to what you feel. Insecure or not, if it is bothering you now don't marry her. All that will happen is it will bother you once married and you will either torture her emotionally with her past, or be emotionally absent. It will continue to haunt you and cause you pain. No one should have to be in a marriage like that. There should be no emotional baggage. You are not married to her so as you have no binding contract you are free to leave her. I would advise you to do so if you feel this way for her own sake as well as your own.
Also side note, never ask someone outright if they have committed zina as you will be forcing them to expose their sin, but if you yourself are a virgin and its important/essential that she is then mention it. This will force girls who are not virgins away and prevent you from marrying someone who may be wrong for you.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It's eating you away and as Sara has stated it's best to avoid contact with this woman and marry someone who's habits and history won't bother, not that you should go digging up the past anyway.
In simple terms:
1. End all communication directly with this girl, for marriage or not, you should be speaking to her parents not her.
2. Look for someone who is a proper practising Muslim, you'll never find the perfect partner, so use some common sense as to what you are willing to sacrifice, ie. perhaps lack of education of perhaps she's physically a bit chubby etc.
3. Approach the girl's father not the girl. Do no speak to girls yourself, you have no business doing this without the father being there. If you have been doing this, Masha'Allah that is brilliant.