Cheated on husband before marriage
I was in a relationship with a boy at the age of 17 and it went along for about 3 years until we decided to get married without telling our parents because we know we were still too young to tell them and convince them to get us married to one another. They would not have agreed. We did our nikah and were married after that now for about another year and a half.
I know now that being in a relationship with him before nikah was wrong and I should not have done that. But now I am deeply in love with him and I cannot see my life without him. And also, the first 6 months of our relationship I had a problem of not being fully committed to him and I cheated by kissing 5 other guys during that time. I did not have sexual intercourse with any of them.
Also, 2 years into the relationship I pretended to have a flirting relationship with two other guys for a few months with no physical contact as well as being friends with a guy who would give me kisses every now and then. I had a problem of getting the attention from guys and not thinking about the guy that I was with even though I loved him to death.
Islamically I understand that all of this was wrong and I never told my husband before our nikkah until a year later of being married. He loves me so much and he is trying to make it work because of the relationship we have had now with each other for the past 4 years but it is becoming more difficult for him day by day knowing that this happened so long ago and I never told him until now. I am trying to convince him that I am better and I realize my mistakes because I don't ever want to do this to him ever again. And I ask forgiveness from Allah SWT and repent for all of my past childish behavior. I realized how much love I have for this man and how much he has put up with this. I don't ever want to hurt him again. And I want to finally have a good Islamic marriage with him in the future.
I am doing everything possible to prove to him that I will not act in these behaviors again and that it was so long ago as I was a teenager at this time still growing into a woman. I don't know what else to do and he keeps saying that he wants to start the talaaq process. But at the same time we talk, but our conversations are very dead. He has forgiven me but he doesn't know if he can live with it for the rest of his life and he is taken a little time to see if he can. Every few days he breaks down and says he cant do this anymore and its been happening for a few weeks now.
I am helpless and so sorry for what I have done to him and have grown to learn many things about what is right and wrong and want to be more directed towards my religion inshallah.
He wants to try to live with it and try not to acknowledge in the future and make things work for me but he also says that he doesn't know if it will happen and he is going to give it a try. It is difficult being with him as he does not love me the same and care like how he used. It kills inside everyday that my childish mistakes have messed up my future with the man that I am truly in love with. What should I do? I don't want to give up on him. That is the last thing I want to do.
- Sister M
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Sister M, As-salamu alaykum,
First of all, I owe you an apology. Your post kind of got "lost" in our system and unfortunately we are only publishing your question now, almost 5 months after you submitted it. I'm sorry about that.
I am confused about how you got married without your parents' knowledge. Who acted as your wali? Do your parents know about your marriage now? Do you and your husband live together as husband and wife?
I'm glad to hear you say that you have made tawbah for the sins that you committed when you were young.
I will address a note to your husband. Maybe reading it will have some effect on him Insha'Allah:
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Dear Brother, As-salamu alaykum,
Forgive your wife and let go of what happened in the past. Don't let it ruin the good marriage thet you have now. Do not think about divorce.
We all make mistakes when we are young. I myself made terrible mistakes when I was a teenager. I was confused and I made bad choices. Fortunately people do not judge me now based on the mistakes I made then.
You can see how much pain your wife is in. She regrets the silly mistakes she made. She confessed everything to you because she loves you and wants to hold no secrets from you. She has also made her tawbah to Allah. Keep in mind that she did not commit zinaa or anything like that. You are the only man she has ever been intimate with in that way. I am not saying that flirting and kissing other boys is nothing - it is a sin in Islam. But let's keep things in perspective. No other man has ever been as close to her as you are, and none ever will Insha'Allah.
I understand that it was a shock to you when your wife first told you these things. A lot of time has passed since then and Insha'Allah you have been able to forgive her and let it go.
Try to take the example of the Messenger of Allah Muhammad (sws), who was the most forgiving of all people. Remember When he went to Ta’if to preach the message of Allah. The people of Ta'if mistreated the Prophet, abused him and hit him with stones. He left the city humiliated and wounded. When he took shelter under a tree, the angel of Allah visited him and told him that Allah had sent him to destroy the people of Ta’if because of their sin of maltreating their Prophet. Instead, the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) prayed to Allah to save the people of Ta’if, because what they did was out of their ignorance.
Don't we want Allah SWT to be forgiving with us on Yawm Al-Qiyamah? Don't we want Him to overlook our mistakes, be lenient with us, and look upon us with kindness even though we were sinners?
If so, then we must also be forgiving with others. As we treat others, so will Allah treat us.
So brother, let your heart be free and clear and don't dwell anymore on these childish mistakes of the past. Heal your marriage and open your heart to your wife. Let all your love come out. The husband is the leader of the family, so be a leader in the way of forgivness as well.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
That was said so nicely Wael, maasha'Allah. Insha'Allah it will melt the Brother's heart in the right way.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ditto
Salaams Sister
I honestly think you should make tawbah to allah, you made a mistake only allah you should ask forgiveness to. You are young to have got married and maybe now you realised what marriage commitment is. Be strong and learn to love your husband and no one else.
I wish you the best