Emotionally Abandoned and Depressed
Asalamulaikum.
I am a 25yr old female sent to study abroad by my mother. She is a doctor and forced me into doing medicine as well. I have spent the worst time of my life in these past 5 years, met all sorts of selfish people who cheated me and let me down.
My mother has never been emotionally available for me and she always degrades me. I will be graduating in 2 months, InshAllah. But to tell you the truth I have no satisfaction from my degree, I have succumbed into severe depression lately, I can't study, I have forgotten happiness. I feel miserable all the time. I used to be such a healthy individual but over the years I started binge eating and I have gained 30 kilos, my mom wont stop criticising me, she says I will never find a husband because I'm fat.
How do I get a hold of my life? Please help me. I'm so lonely.
How can I communicate with my mother? She has distanced herself from all her duties. She has never ever asked me how I feel emotionally, I feel like a parentless child. And this feeling is the worst feeling anyone can have.:-(
mariadoc
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hey dear hope you are well.... you know you should be happy you got a degree! mashlh im proud of you! look at me when i was young my parents took me out of school 13 by force when i so wanted to complete school they sent me to madrassah to become an aalimah later they take me away from there by force and i fell inlove with Allah and now wanted to become an aalimah then they let me sit at home doing nothing but non stop house work and my mother let me do most of her duties when she is suppose to do it... my mother or father was never emotionally available i couldnt take the loneliness so i got married now im married without a degree and alhmdlh ive started going back to school with my husbands support but u knw i wish i done it a long time ago i cud have been a bussiness wmen today saving up money for my kids and for hajj and for my husband to spoil him now and then... and now ive got nothing! my mom and dad well and brothers always use to curse me and treat me badly i was a little kid going everynight to bed with tears but later in life alhmdlh i realise parents are not that much important then my own life akhirat and future on the day of qiyaamah ill stand alone infront of my lord if i go hell no one but my lord can reverse it... if i die no one will come with me ill nly be with my lord if its dark and deep down in the grave no one will be with me xcept my lord so i wana strive and be a better muslim so that i can gain my lords love and so that my lord can always be with me.... coz only he can be with you and protect you wherever you go but if you are a sinner and bad youll be left alone to dwell in hell all alone
my mother wud insult me so badly i would cry infront of her she wud go to anothr room and i wud hear her laughing ,when i was married and pregnant my dad slapped that i fell n the floor my tummy was even big me when in no way he had the right to do that? i was MARRIED AND PREGNANT for goodness sake! some parents just need to be left alone and made believe what they do is right because really ive tried to be good to my parents and all they do is whats best to bring me down my mom says i was a mistake and that i look like my grandmother my fathers mom and she hated her thats why she hates me i mean hello? and the bad stuff they did to me well it would take a whole thick book to write it all down ,but i never stopped being good to them and will not coz if i turn bad ooops no jannah for me so its best i leave them to do wat they do as long as im good to them and i obey my lord alhmdlh
o and i use to be healthy aswell but now im so skinny my poor husband.... ive lost my appetite due to deprssion and now im having chest sickness i try my best to eat but cant help how i feel im so good at hiding it that ive forgotten how it is to actually smile meaning it.cant even sleep properly my poor husbnd has to c me go thru all this wen all he wanted was a happy wife
As salamu alaykum, haniyyya,
I really hope you are doing your best to improve, having so many physical problems you should go to the doctor without any doubt. He may help you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Haniyya, I'm sorry you've been through all this. You can log in and submit your own question, Insha'Allah. In the meantime, this page is for mariadoc's question, so let's focus on that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
lol wael chill i have no questions i was simply telling my story to the sister so that she can contemplate
Dear sister haniyyya,
my sympathy is with you. You have been through an extremely tough time and now I understand why sometimes your response is 'blunt' (I do not mean this in a negative sense at all, please do not misunderstand me). Sometimes, situations in our lives make change/alter our personalities in a way that reflect our pain. You are absolutely right when you imply that there is none other than Allah and we should only rely on him. You know in your heart that you have been sincere with your family and they too know what injustice they have done to you, so do not ever feel down because no one is truly yours in this world. We are put here to be tested. Even on the day of qayyamat, no one will be there to help us when we will get punished for our sins. No mother will be running after her children, no husband or wife will be for one another, we all will be alone. Hence, we all go alone in our own graves also. Therefore, the only way to completely heal your heart is to surrender yourself to Allah swt. Fall in love with Him like we do for our lovers (i.e.: our spouse). Become His "aashiq" (lover). Trust me, you'll see how Allah will love you back in return :). Im sure you know all this already. Dont ever loose hope. You now have a beautiful family to love for and enjoy your happiness with them!
As salamu alaykum, mariadoc,
Thank you very much for opening your Heart, there are two posts I would like you to read, specially the comments of the second one.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wazifa-to-get-slim/ This one is going to be extremely useful for you to help you to begin to loose weight.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/islams-perspective-of-giving-up/ This one will help you to feel you are not the only one going through this struggles.
I highly recommend you to read the posts of IslamicSunrays.com, they will comfort you and will make it easier to guide yourself towards positive thinking.
And the first thing, I would love you to do is your five daily salat, you are not alone, even if you are not conscious you are in Allah´s Hands, open your Heart to Him, you won´t feel as an orphan anymore.
Now, you are ready, go to study, finish your degree and if you don´t like to practice it, look for something that you can study a master, or other subject, that brings a smile to your Heart, you will find it, insha´Allah.
You deserve to be conscious that you are loved if your mother doesn´t know how to get to your Heart, I am here, I do love you and I do care for you, You are important to me, with time you will understand your mother and you will be able to forgive her, for now, be conscious that you can make a difference in my Life and many others people´s life taking care of yourself, making your prayers and studying to finish your degree, insha´Allah.
In simple lines, eat well (3-5 times a day, variety, fresh), breath consciously, exercise, pray and remember there is someone in the world that loves you and cares for you, you are not alone, Alhamdulillah.
When you feel the loneliness give it to Allah(swt), ask Him to give you Peace in your Heart, He is As- Salam if you have time after all the duties I gave you, try to recite the Names of Allah, see how you feel.
This is a dua for estress and anxiety that will help you a lot now, insha´Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/dua-for-anxiety-and-stress-2/
Well, you will have to make a planning now to fit all your duties in a day time, I do believe in you, it is normal that after so much struggle you feel this way, it is that you are almost exhausted, but you can do it, you have only a couple of months more to go.
Take care of yourself, please, I have you in my Heart.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear mariadoc, As-salamu alaykum,
You have to stop seeking and hoping for your mother's love and approval. This is really a critical point. Look, in this life we sometimes get parents who are loving and kind, and sometimes we don't. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is. Your mother is obviously incapable of offering love and approval. Why? Who knows. Maybe she was abused or not loved as a child, and it shut her down emotionally. The important thing is that you have to come to a point where you can accept that your mother is not going to change. She 's not going to suddenly hug you and tell you she's proud of you. You have to accept this fact.
What that means is that you must seek your approval within yourself. Affirmations can really help with this. For example, these are a few of my own affirmations:
* I am a Muslim and a Mu´min who knows that my reason for living is to worship Allah. I strive in all that I do and all that I am for the sake of Allah.
* I am a kind, loving and emotionally healthy man. I will make a wonderful partner to a loving Muslim woman. Any healthy, loving, kind woman who understands and respects Islamic traditions would be happy to have me as a husband.
* I have power only over myself and the choices I make in life. I do not have the power or right to change anyone else. I cannot make anyone like, love, respect or believe in me. Other people are not my moral responsibility, beyond conveying the Islamic message and fulfilling my Islamic and familial duties.
* Life constantly changes, and it is short. I must utilize the time that Allah has given me. I have a right and a duty to remove myself from negative people who seek only to find fault or judge, and instead seek a life partner and friends who see and respect my good qualities, and who are ready to grow with me in love and deen.
* Allah lives in my life today, at this moment. The "future" never comes and I can't change the past. I dream as if I will live forever, but I try to live today as if it were my last day.
* I am a good father. My daughter Salma is my treasure and I always consider her needs and do my best to provide a loving, warm, Islamic home for her.
* I am a good son to my parents. I am patient and loving with them. When speaking to them I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am and confident in my choices.
I read these affirmations (and others - I have 24 of them) every day, sometimes more than once. They remind me of who I am, or who I strive to be. They keep me centered and on track.
I suggest that you write your own affirmations, based on the person what you want to be. It's okay if you don't quite believe them at first, or if you read them and find yourself shaking your head. Just keep reading them, and they will sink in.
You also should start seeing a therapist or counselor. Someone you can talk to who will help you sort out your emotional problems.
I know that as far as your weight, it's not as simple as telling you to eat healthy. You are seeking emotional fulfillment in food. The only way to treat that is to address the underlying problem. The other thing to do is to find something you love besides food, that can become a substitute for overeating.
I wish you the best, my sister.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor