Islamic marriage advice and family advice

His cold-heartedness is killing me

Cold heart, emotionless, cold husband, husband doesnt care

Cold hearted


I got married not 2 long ago. My Husband gave me an std from his past. Few days ago I forgave him. (it wasn't easy).

I have more compassion for him than he has for me. Im in a deep depression and my anger doesn't decrease. His unfeeling to this situation is making me more sick emotionally. I can't get married again and I don't want to be alone. He doesn't want to talk or listen to me.

My family keeps advising me to be patient. But is not like I have another option... Its him or nothing. I don't know what to do to look forward when im living with a dead man. How can I make him feel?

- zamzam

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24 Responses »

  1. ASA sister!
    This must be very hard for you to share and to be going through...Thanks for being so open!
    I dont understand why you say: " I can't get married again and I don't want to be alone. "Its him or nothing."... Do you not love him? If you do, then talk to him. Let him know how you feel, what it is you want from him and the relationship... But if this is not what you want for yourself...I dont understand why you would want to be with someone you dont love.

    Your sister in Islam,

  2. Asalamoalaikum dear sister,
    I am extremely sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation. Indeed, it must be very devastating and your anger is justified.

    Sister, some stds are curable so do you know if the std you have is curable? They require antibiotics and eventually they heal but some are incurable. I pray that it is a curable std so that you don’t have to suffer for someone else’s past sin. Do not despair dear sister, Allah swt will reward you immensely for your patience inshAllah.

    Have you tried communicating with your husband in regards to this issue? What does he have to say or he just mum about it? And if he is, you need to stand your ground and seek some answers: you have full rights to know why he didn’t get himself checked if he had such a past and what will be the solution to all of this. He cannot just remain silent and expect you to carry on the load.

    If he doesn’t respond to you properly, its best that you get an elder family member involved such as your parents because this is un-acceptable. He needs to help you get out of this mess because he got you in it in the first place.

    Stand your ground and be firm: do not let him get away with doing you such grave injustice. It was his responsibility to ensure he was physical well if he such a past and now that it’s transferred to you he needs to man up and help you get through this, inshAllah.

    Stay strong sister
    -Helping Sister

  3. Assalamu alaykum,

    Pray to Allah. Indeed Allah is the Hearer, Knower.

    If He wills He will bring happiness for you in dunya and aakhirah. So turn to Him for Help, for seeking His refuge and asking for His Mercy.

    Insha Allah I also pray for your life to become easy and enjoyable.

    Keep in contact of knowledgable doctors who can help you with the good advise and medication.

    Take care of yourself.

    Your brother.

  4. Thanks You Sisters and Brother.

    My dad called him a year ago and told him " Why did you do that to my daughter?" He told him he didn't know that the ones he was with was dirty? He said I met her pumping gas at a gas station and she was a nurse! "I thought she was clean. and anyway I was single and I didn't cheat on her. My Dad told me that he started putting the blame on me and saying that your daughter has changed and now her clothes are not modest like before and she is getting mean? I told my dad that this creature of God is a liar and he doesn't want to face his responsibilities he is a coward and has lied about everything. Before I married him I asked him many times if has been with other women? He said No, and he knows that is haram. I told him " you have to tell me because I don't accept Zina. He said again No I wasn't with no one. I was Like a Sheikh... My Dad also told me that he said "You can take your daughter if you want, or I will bring her back to you and pay for the medication"

    How can i love him? I want to castrate him alive. STDs are not curable. They will ALWAYS remain in the body. The STD that i got gives cancer. And the Virus I have is persistent.

    He said he doens't want to talk about the past. He wants to forget everything. He doesn't care about me. He is afraid im going to tell his mother and embarrass him. He said if you tell her? "I will burry you and your family" I said Go ahead.

    The day I found Out that I have an STD is the day i found out the garbage I married. His first time was with a woman 20 years older than him that was working at a gym. When I told him? Are you crazy?? he said " That was a poor woman... She was old and didn't have kids and never married... Poor woman" I told him "you feel sorry about a slut? and you just told me soon as i told you that i came from the Dr. that I have a std? That everyone is going to die someday" That's what my loving husband said to me.

    I know that I have a big mouth and I can't control my anger and i keep calling him names in his face and on my mind. I call him Man-whore. But I can't help it... He disgusts me and he wasted my chance to be happy with another man that didn't commit zina.


    • My dear sister,
      Your anger reflects the deep pain you are feeling due to your husband’s carelessness and past sin. If he had such a past it was his duty to ensure that he was physically fit and was not carrying a disease that can potentially ruin someone else’s life.
      I’m sorry—I meant STI (sexually transmitted infections such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhea) when I meant to asked you if the disease you have is curable. I’m extremely sorry to know that it’s incurable.
      I want to ask you as I can see that your husband clearly doesn’t feel any remorse over harming you in such a way, do you think you can stay happily with him and forgive him for what he’s done to you? If you cannot and feel that things can never be the same what alternatives do you see (is divorce an option in your mind?).

      You see you say you don’t want to get divorced as you feel no man will marry you but at the same time will you be content living with this man? If you do not want to get divorced the best thing is to accept reality for the way it is and forgive him. Explain to him kindly—no harshly (although you are angry and it is your right) that he has inflicted a lot of pain upon you but you want to make things work and that a compromise needs to be between you both. He needs to be extra kind with you and be sorry for what he’s done.
      Otherwise you will be stuck because you do not want to divorce him either.

      -Helping Sister

  5. That's what the problem is. I can't face reality and what he has done and what he has done to me. He is careless and he he doesn't have a heart.

    • You will have to face reality, there really is no other way out—I don’t mean to be harsh as I can understand how difficult this time is for you. However, you need to find solutions now as dwelling on the problem will lead you no where.
      You have two options:
      1.) You forgive him and move forward in life with him
      2.) You divorce him, practice patience, and pray to Allah swt to bless you with a good husband (which at the same time can pose the risk that you may not get re-married due to this STD problem)—for this you will have to be very strong though

      I know this situation seems like a loose-loose situation and the person suffering the most is you but please try to be strong. Was he a good husband prior to this issue? If so, can you find it in your heard to practice patience and eventually forgive him?

      -Helping Sister

  6. He was an Okay husband before the STD came along. But is not just the STD. Its his lies, betrayal and those bad women he was with. He is not helping me with what's happening. He think its the past and you need to move on. But he is not what I wanted to marry. He lied about everything. As much as I try to forgive him... Deep in my heart I hate him for putting me between 4 walls. He is a selfish man. He tries to save money on me and gives it to his mother... While my parents give me money on the side. Everything bothers me about him. Im more calm when Im not around him. What's the point of forgiving him? When he doesn't care about me. If I need money for surgery? How will I get it when he gives what he saves on me by giving it to his mother. After what he did to me I really don't have any sympathy to no one and I don't care if she eats dirt. Why would I care when my own husband didn't care about what he did and what's going to happen to me.

    • My dear sister,
      I can sense that this situation has made you very cold toward others—often as humans when someone hurts us, we project our pain onto others punishing them indirectly for the emotional baggage we are carrying. You sound like an honest and faithful person so please don’t become so hard-hearted. Rest assured this may be a way for you to vent and express your pain and grieve over your loss but try to think rationally. We have look for solutions right now. If you honestly feel that you are better off without him (you feel calmer without him) then do you feel than living without him will give you more peace? You need to find a solution; you cannot stay hanging in between.

      If this is of any assurance, do know that Allah swt will reward you immensely for your patience and if you do not want to forgive him that’s your prerogative, you don’t have to. On yaw-mal-qayyamat you can ask Allah swt to avenge you for what he has wronged you for but that’s really not the best route to go. Instead of dwelling on revenge or feelings of justice and betrayal try to think: “okay I have a non-curable STD, he was okay with me before this issue, I was still content to a certain degree (at least you were not sick of him) so can things be that way again? Can I eventually let go of his past which no longer exists (as he’s in no contact with those females)?” or “it’s absolutely un-acceptable for me to forgive him. Under no circumstances will I do this.”

      If you cannot forgive him and live happily with him, then my dear there is no point living with him and constantly feeling anger and rage. You can ask for khula (divorce) if you truly think that things can never be the same. It’s no use that you further punish yourself. Companionship is important my dear but more important is your link with Allah swt. People’s spouse cheat on them, they get divorced or some even pass away—so these relations are not permanent. They end one day.

      You have to make a decision or else things will (and already have) become extremely problematic.
      I also wanted to suggest that you are undergoing a quite traumatic situation so you might want to look into therapy or counselling so you can come to terms with your loss and put a control over your emotions as they may escalate and lead you towards depression: just a food for thought.

      -Helping Sister

      • I also wanted to add that this process of feeling anger, not wanting to forgive him, not being able to come to terms with his past is absolutely normal. It will take time. There will be some days where you will feel extremely angry and frustrated while there will be other days where you will just want to cry.

        You need to sit down and speak to your husband. Explain to him that you feel betrayed in regards to his past—that you had made it clear to him prior to marriage (through your constant question regarding if he had a past) that you wanted someone with no past. Explain to him that if despite having a past he decided to marry you, he should have at least had the decency to get himself checked so that he didn’t harm or ruin someone else’s live—like he did to yours. Ask him why didn’t he think of his own well being including yours? Ask him what he thinks of your marriage and your future together. Tell him that you want to make this marriage work but he needs to show that he does feel regret and with time and through his support you might be able to come to terms with this reality.

        If however, he still shows you that he doesn’t care and is least bothered, then my dear it’s better to end this marriage then to feel stuck. Would you rather stay with him your whole life angry and miserable or would you rather live without him and hopefully find someone who will accept you?

        I suggest that you pray salat-ul-istikhara and ask Allah swt for guidance.

        -Helping Sister

  7. I don't know how to forgive him. I can't forget what he did to me and the fact that he slept with me knowing that I don't accept zina. I can't take off from my mind those images of him with other women. Yes i do want revenge and now more than ever. he doesn't care about me so I want him to suffer as much as possible. He took everything from me in this life. I know relationships are not permanent but I didn't get to enjoy nothing of what everyone waits for after marriage. Is not fair that he got to choose the garbage he wanted to be with while I waited for someone good. How can God rewards me with my patience? If Im thinking of burning all his family alive to see him suffering.

  8. Dear sister,
    Salam alaikum,
    You are in such a difficult situation and it must be so hard to bear it. I don't know what to say, the fact that he gave you an illness was bad enough but the way he's acting now must make it so much harder to cope. You need his sympathy and support, but he is making you feel uncared for and unloved. You haven't mentioned any remorse or repentance on his part. When you hurt someone, you need to do more than do astaghfir to Allah, you are also supposed to make things right with that person if possible, but there is no evidence he is trying to do this. You asked "how can I make him feel" but the sad reality is you can't.

    Only you can make the difficult decision of whether or not to stay with him. I understand remarriage may be quite difficult, I don't know if it would be possible to find someone with the same disease to marry. Yet if you stay with this man you say he is making you more sick emotionally, you are miserable and struggling with anger and depression and difficulty coping with life. He is making you worse not better.

    My suggestion would be to start doing istikhara daily if you aren't already. At the same time, you both should go for counseling as a couple. If there is any goodness or feelings in his heart, perhaps through counseling he will learn the communication skills he needs and how to act as a good supportive remorseful husband. You may also be able to learn coping skills to deal with the situation. Perhaps this way you both can get through this together.

    However, if he is truly heartless, all the counseling in the world can't make someone have a heart. But while doing the istikhara and getting the counseling, the situation might become more clear as to whether he can change and you can cope with him or if he is truly cruel and cold and someone you cannot live with.

    No he will not want to go to counseling, but its really the least he can do . Let him know it might help you cope. Since your father already talked to him maybe your father can suggest to him this might help. Let him know if he can help you cope maybe he won't have to worry about his family finding out (certainly if you get a divorce the reason why might come out) If you want to do this and he is reluctant, insist on it, even if you have to threaten to bring his family into the equation. If anything he may need the counseling more than you, he really seems to be lacking insight and remorse, and maybe a neutral 3rd party can make him realize the gravity of the situation and knock some sense into his head.

    Give it a try, if you do nothing its really unlikely the situation will spontaneously improve and he will suddenly become a kind caring husband.Does he even want to save the marriage? surely he can't expect to give you an incurable disease and act like nothing happened. I wonder what he would do if he got divorced. I really hope he wouldn't marry some innocent girl without disclosing the illness, though if his mom is unaware of the situation she might arrange his marriage to someone else who may innocently have her life ruined.

    I don't believe you when you say you don't care if his mom eats dirt, you want to see his family burn,etc. I feel you are a kind caring person with a big heart who has been hurt so badly, this is the anger talking, you are wounded deeply, but I don't think you would ever hurt anyone. Every little thing he does is bothering you because you are hurt, wounded, and he is not helping you heal. You probably wouldn;t mind him helping his mom, especially if she is poor, except for the fact he is not doing his duty towards helping you and that is really painful.

    If you think he is not saving the money you may need for surgery, maybe you can work on setting aside a separate savings fund for your surgery, he needs to put money for you aside, and then if there is additional he can spend the rest on his mom. Have your dad discuss saving for your surgery with him.

    In addition are you working outside your home? If you are able to it might help you keep your mind off things and distract you a bit, you should be able to keep all your earnings aside for your medical care or whatever you need. If you can't work fulltime, at least try part time and if you can get involved with a charity and do some charity work as well. If you are sitting home its easier to fall into a deep dark depression. You need to get this off your mind for a little while and have some distraction from the dark thoughts.

    You also need to find HOPE to go on. Try to think of something to look forward to, it could be something small like eating something nice for dinner or something big like a faraway trip to visit relatives, whatever makes you happy, you need to have something to look forward to help you get out of bed in the morning and get through the day. Read through whatever material you can find on patience, facing trials, etc. Here are some good links. Really long, but really good articles. Read a little at a time if you can't read it all at once.

    You are in my duas.

  9. i have been in a relationship with a guy for two an half years, he said he would marry me this year, unfortunately his family said no because i have a 9 year old son, i did tell my patner about this before i went into a relationship with him an he said he will fight for us. but now he is not got the guts to fight for us and i dont want to lose him. I did meet the family and they all liked me but as soon as they found out about me they said no i am really upset i feel suicidal but cant becuase of my son i dont know what to do i cant let go off him but i know i will have to at some point please give me a duaa to relief my heartache as i really dont know what to do...... please help me

    • Dear Sister Afroz,

      Your life is determined by more than your relationship with this man. You have a life, you are breathing, you have health, a beautiful son, a roof over your head, family and much more. You have so much and just because one thing is not working your way, you want to end your life? Why are you reducing your life to nothing but a failed relationship with a man. There are people living through hunger and war in this world, but they don't give up, they keep fighting, because they value their lives. I hope you will pay attention to what I have said.

      If you wish for further advice, please log in and submit your post separately and we will give it full attention.

      SisterZ Editor

  10. yes but its not over yet do you think there is any hope for his family to change their mind, i am angry because i love him and never hurt him in any way in fact i never hurt people unintentionally so why does it happen to me, i am such a bubbly character but i can seem to pick my self up i don't know what to do to get rid of this pain

    • Afroz,

      I know you are paining and I feel for you. But if you look through our database, you will find many similar questions to yours which have already received answers that may help you inshaAllah.

      If you still wish for specific advice, log in and submit your question as a separate post and we will give it its due attention and time - as I said above. This thread is for the author of the original post.

      SisterZ Editor

    • Afroz,

      I have just deleted your most recent comment due to the use of bad language.

      Sister, I understand that you are going through extreme difficulty, but please refrain from swearing on this website. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post and then let me know here when you have done so. I will then take a look at it.

      In the meantime, do read these articles by Wael. I think they will help you inshaAllah:

      SisterZ Editor

  11. I found this searching the internet for support. I feel as though reading this I am looking into a mirror. I married the love of my life June 25, 2011. Four days ago I found out he has given me an std and it has turned into cancer. I am terrified and angry. He says its in the past. I feel like he doesn't care. My emotions swing wildly, and I dont know how I'll feel from one hour to the next. I am in a deep and dark depression. I hope that we will make it through the other side of this. I can't believe I found such a similiar story.

  12. AA;

    Sorry to hear about your story sister.

    Usually, I just tell people to wait and be patient. Specially for women. To just think of it as a test which will inshallah make your rewards bigger, higher, and better. Because usually men are the one ones who might cheat easier and more often. Women might be stubborn, rude, and or mean and of course for a man, that is also a living hell when you get that from your wife the one you always expect to be good to u. But this is not the issue here. I do not think he knew what he had, and I do not think he wanted to harm you. I think he was just ignorant and maybe he does not feel sorry because he was so chocked he dies inside! Or he is just over whelmed that he just closed onto himself. Specially the way he is so scared you might tell his parents. Thats alone shows how much he is embarrassed and knowing how wrong he is. This is just my take on the subject, I hope it does help you think about things differently. But I will be honest wiht you, it is really depressing me knowing someone would something like this to another. Thats why everybody should get tested before getting married.

    I do not know where are you from, how old are you, or if you guys have any kids. But I feel you might be in the USA, mid twenties and no kids. With that assumption:
    1) If you can not live with him, and you guys are not living together as man and wife (mentally, emotionally, and sexually), and you say he has no remorse (By the way are you sure about this? because men have different ways of showing that) then maybe a divorce is a solution. I mean divorce is bad because you are destroying a family, but it does not look like you guys have one t stat with.
    2) Why you say you can not get married any one else? There might be another person who has same issue by mistake or cheating wife or what ever and would like to be with someone. Not best scenario, but at leas you will have a partner and someone you enjoy being with and not tortured.
    3) Not sure about your ability to have kids, but you might meet someone who does not have the disease, can who can not have kids and does not mind having a sexual life with protection all the time.
    As you can see, none will make life perfect again. But I guess I was just trying to give you options. And the most important thing is pray Istikhara and keep your Iman in ALLAH.

    May ALLAH guide you, bless you, save you, and make you happy again inshallah. Like I said earlier, all our life is a long test, and mashallah it looks like you are still on the right path and being patient alhamdolellah 🙂

  13. @ Just A Man

    Asalamu Aleikum

    Is not easy to be patient. Bu I have to say Alhamdulilah because i don't want things to get worst. No i don't know if he is suffering and im sure he didn't want to harm me. But he lied to me about his past and he knew that I don't like men with a past because it disgusts me. Im a Jealous women when it comes to men and I know my self and that's why I asked him like 10 times if he was with anyone. He said NO NO No wallah wallah. Men tend to cheat and lie easier without remorse. And I wanted a Man that was Scared of God and knew that it can stop him from doing wrong. Im not Mad at God! Im just mad at the situation.
    Its nice that you think I have options... is not easy! where would I find a man that is willing to marry a women who her husband gave her an STD.... Its humiliating.
    Im in my early thirties. No kids thank God. Im scared to have kids because if he is cold with me and doesn't care for me. How is he going to be a father and treat that child. He has a bad short temper and he has no patent. Very bad characteristics. He pretended to be nice and patient when we got engaged. Again more lies. My life is ruined. But its Ok inshallah i want the Next life with a man from Jannah. Earth men are to weak and don't attract me. God forgive me but I never like how Men are. They have no sexual control, their blind. And I think its very unfair that hell will be full of women when men are the ones that make women crazy.

  14. Eid Mubarak to all 🙂
    Execuse me asking sister, but what is it that u have?

  15. Eid Mubarak to you 2. 🙂

    HPV high risk

    • AA;

      How long ago did you get it? how did you find out? Did you get the symptoms? or did you get tested?

      It is a bad thing what you are going through and it can not be denied. And I apologize on his behalf for the pain he caused you. But again, life is full of tests and we have to deal with them the right way. Don't think much of who will go where and why more women will be in hell than men, again, that is not helping any.

      I looked it up and it seems like there are some research and actions you can take. But I am not sure why you think you hit rock bottom! I feel you are more angry at him than at the fact you have this disease. Seems like people with the disease can still have their lives, can still have sexual relationship (not a normal %100 type) but inshallah it will be fulfilling, and (not sure about this) even have kids. So, please pray, be patient, and think about it: What is that you are mad at the most? what is it that you want to do? and stop being depressed 🙂 I think life still has alot to offer you, and you can give more than what you think 🙂

      Read the story of Prophet Ayyob:

      Then read these two sites I found about the HPV (You might been through them already) :

      And inshallah ALLAH will guide you and bless your thoughts and heart.


  16. make du'aa for him in the last 1/3 of the night when Allaah comes down from his throne to answer supplications, athat Allaah softens his heart.

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