I have no physical desire; is marriage right for me?
Question:
Assalam aliakum
From childhood I noticed I never really liked or desired getting physical, and grew up with very little to no physical desire.
I then got married out of convenience at the age of 17, and realised that I could not bring myself to have relations with my husband, and was unable to fufill my husband's rights and would avoid being intimate at all costs with him. And we both later divorced.
I am now 27 and consider myself religious. I have by the will of Allah performed Hajj and I remember Allah and His beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.
And therefore I would like to compete the sunnah again and seek to please Almighty again and try and complete half my religion and increase the ummah of the holy Prophet peace be upon him. With all these reason to marry, the only thing that worries me is my total lack of desire to be intimate or physical with anyone.
A good proposal of marriage has appeared and what I wanted to know is A = Is it right for me to marry, knowing I will be taking a risk if I went ahead with it, as I may not be able to fufil his rights as I don’t hold physical desires and would be sacrificing my feelings my pleasures, and hurting inside me, every time he wanted to have sexual intercourse with me? And that in turn could make my marriage a unhappy and resentful marriage.
Please could you advice what I should do, and what my options are as a single divorced woman. As I do not want to live with parents forever and would like to try and lift the burden of them as well.
Jazallah khair.
- Sister Sabeen
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Dear Sister Sabeen, Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I can understand your dilemma. Marriage is always emphasized in Islam, and you get a lot of pressure from well-meaning friends and relatives. Well, I am here to tell you that you are a wonderful, singular INDIVIDUAL, and while marriage is the "norm" for most people, there is no rule that says you MUST get married. One of the main reasons for marriage is to keep oneself chaste and avoid fornication. If you naturally have a low sex drive and this is not an issue for you, this imperative is not there, so you need not feel compelled to marry just because it is the thing to do.
Now, having said that, I would ask if you have ever had a medical workup to determine if there is a physiological reason for your low sex drive. It can be a hormonal imbalance that drives this. A low sex drive can also be a sign of some underlying issue, so I recommend you have a full screening done just to rule out anything such as a thyroid or pituitary problem. It can affect your overall health if you are out of balance in this way.
There are many women in the world who do not have much sexual desire. A naturally low drive, female genital mutilation, early sexual abuse... all these can lead women to either not desire sex or to actively dislike it. Many if not most marry and simply "fake it" and do the best they can do endure what they view as an unpleasant duty. Obviously, men have a great need for sexual relations and a right to have a wife who is sexually available, so many women make the choice. They decide they want the companionship, the friendship, the hugging, financial support, and children, and just see sex as something they have to do in order to get all the rest that goes along with it. There is nothing wrong in this - it is a decision each woman makes for herself and often the woman does this out of love and respect for her husband, even though her desire is absent. But when the woman cannot control the resentment or revulsion she feels, this of course leads to strife in the marriage.
If you consider all the benefits of marriage, and you think that the do not outweigh your lack of desire, then you can decide not to marry. No one gets everything he wants in marriage or in life. You may have to decide to sacrifice having a companion and children because the cost is too much. But, you can get a job and support yourself, get your own place if you don't wish to stay with your parents, or pay them rent if you and they agree it's better for you to live at home. You can work in charity work with orphans or teach, and be in contact with children that way. You can adopt or sponsor an orphan, or, if you have siblings, you can love and indulge nieces and nephews instead of having your own.
You've been through the marriage and divorce, and I'm sure you know that it is not fair to deprive a husband of his rights. You have to decide whether you can "pretend" to be a good wife in the intimacy department for the duration of your marriage, which inshAllah would be the rest of your wife, or whether that is not realistic for you. Then you can decide if marriage is something you can do. Weigh the pros and the cons, be honest with yourself, and then go forward confidently whatever you decide.
Remember, there are over one billion Muslims on this planet, and each is an individual. You can be a strong, pious, successful woman, married or single. You are not less of a person or inadequate, you are you. Don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision based on culture or 'convenience'. And Allah knows best.
fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, Islamicanswers.com
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salam
U said that u consider urself religious but do u know that not fufilling husband's rights is a big sin.
when ur sure that u can't fulfil ur husband's rights don't marry bcoz no man can be with a wife who rejects being intimate.Before getting married visit a doctor or a psychologist to see why u don't have desire and I think they can help u to be changed.so work on urself first.
Oh wao, that was not very nice way to say it.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I can understand your dilemma. Marriage is always emphasized in Islam, and you get a lot of pressure from well-meaning friends and relatives. Well, I am here to tell you that you are a wonderful, singular INDIVIDUAL, and while marriage is the "norm" for most people, there is no rule that says you MUST get married. One of the main reasons for marriage is to keep oneself chaste and avoid fornication. If you naturally have a low sex drive and this is not an issue for you, this imperative is not there, so you need not feel compelled to marry just because it is the thing to do.
Now, having said that, I would ask if you have ever had a medical workup to determine if there is a physiological reason for your low sex drive. It can be a hormonal imbalance that drives this. A low sex drive can also be a sign of some underlying issue, so I recommend you have a full screening done just to rule out anything such as a thyroid or pituitary problem. It can affect your overall health if you are out of balance in this way.
There are many women in the world who do not have much sexual desire. A naturally low drive, female genital mutilation, early sexual abuse... all these can lead women to either not desire sex or to actively dislike it. Many if not most marry and simply "fake it" and do the best they can do endure what they view as an unpleasant duty. Obviously, men have a great need for sexual relations and a right to have a wife who is sexually available, so many women make the choice. They decide they want the companionship, the friendship, the hugging, financial support, and children, and just see sex as something they have to do in order to get all the rest that goes along with it. There is nothing wrong in this - it is a decision each woman makes for herself and often the woman does this out of love and respect for her husband, even though her desire is absent. But when the woman cannot control the resentment or revulsion she feels, this of course leads to strife in the marriage.
If you consider all the benefits of marriage, and you think that the do not outweigh your lack of desire, then you can decide not to marry. No one gets everything he wants in marriage or in life. You may have to decide to sacrifice having a companion and children because the cost is too much. But, you can get a job and support yourself, get your own place if you don't wish to stay with your parents, or pay them rent if you and they agree it's better for you to live at home. You can work in charity work with orphans or teach, and be in contact with children that way. You can adopt or sponsor an orphan, or, if you have siblings, you can love and indulge nieces and nephews instead of having your own.
You've been through the marriage and divorce, and I'm sure you know that it is not fair to deprive a husband of his rights. You have to decide whether you can "pretend" to be a good wife in the intimacy department for the duration of your marriage, which inshAllah would be the rest of your wife, or whether that is not realistic for you. Then you can decide if marriage is something you can do. Weigh the pros and the cons, be honest with yourself, and then go forward confidently whatever you decide.
Remember, there are over one billion Muslims on this planet, and each is an individual. You can be a strong, pious, successful woman, married or single. You are not less of a person or inadequate, you are you. Don't let anyone pressure you into making a decision based on culture or 'convenience'. And Allah knows best.
fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, Islamicanswers.com
Thank you for your comment, I actually dont even know what having a desire is like I have never been physically attracted to anyone naturally, and it has been like that from childhood.
I spent my years feeling abnormal and forcing myself to look at things with desire hoping to achieve a desire, and become normal, but never really got success, without realising i was further landed myself in sin, but Alhumdullah through the mercy of Allah, I managed to get the answers I wanted and was looking for.
I was brought up a muslim but was never able to study Islam they I wanted to, as I noticed from young age, I yearned my religion and my creator and spent days and nights just thinking about Allah S.W.T I was engrossed internally but knew very little as I was unknowledgable. After many years of working, only in the last year have I managed to self study and learn about my religion Islam.
As I learnt and became more knowledgable all again thanks to the grace and mercy of Allah S.W.T, through my immense yearning of my creator, did I desire to remarry again, as I felt it ought to be done and esp wanted to do it for his pleasure and follow the sunnah of his beloved Prophet peace be upon him. And as I completed Hajj I felt it was no time like now to marry, and I love children and would like to increase the ummah of the holy prophet peace be upon him, and unburden my parents, etc, and Alhumdullah I got a offer of marriage, and I got ready to say Yes and felt yes it could work, etc, but I kept crying and getting upset, I asked myself what was hurting me and that’s the response my heart kept giving = I will have to take focus off my creator and His beloved peace be upon him, then I overcame that as I realised by obeying and fulfilling husbands right will inshallah gain my creators pleasure etc, but I was still crying and in particular was deeply upset one of the nights and cried to sleep as I had told my heart I must sacrifice my free will, my feelings, and do whats right, and remarry, I cant keep holding back, but I still questioned myself further why was I not saying yes to this proposal and it was the thought of being intimate, having someone want to be intimate with me.
The thought hurt me, as I dont have the desire, how would expect my husband to abstain from me or refuse him his rights, and that led me to put this questions forward, as that very morning after crying to sleep it hit me suddenly that marriage may not be for me, but when I had to digest that thought, I hurt ever so more, like my world came tumbling down, not being able to complete Sunnah and please my creator and unburden parents and family and increase Ummah, was very hurtful and I kept crying, But I thank you every so much for your comments and taking the time out to reply and for making me realise further more, that marriage it seems is not for me. May Allah reward you generously, in both worlds.
My future only Allah knows, what he has planned for me, etc, but it is difficult as I did not intend to be round my family for my remaining years and this may be the case as parents will not allow me to live alone, and I have near enough no one to consult to without them thinking something odd, or strange about me, and I do not like expressing myself to others, as it is a private matter that between me and my creator. But Inshallah I will keep striving and persevering with everyone’s duas. May Allah bless you all for your responses and kind words. Jazakallah Khair
Best of luck. Marriage is not the answer to everything. There are other important things in life. If you don't have a desire, don't go for it. I am sure you will find other better things to do in life
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I'm so glad that my words were able to provide some comfort for you, and perhaps some direction. Allah created you as an idividual, and for you, marrying might prevent you from fulfilling OTHER tasks that are equally important and beneficial in the sight of Allah. It IS sunnah, not fard, so don't feel you are cutting yourself short or not pleasing Allah. You will have a particular kind of freedom without the responsibilities of a household, and it may be that your Qadr, your function in life, is to dedicate yourself to Allah in a different way. InshAllah you can find your level of comfort and live a good, fulfilling life. We are here to worship Allah, and within the bounds of the Qur'an and Sunnah there is certainly room for us to do that in different ways. May Allah bless you and increase you in knowledge and imaan, Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah
As Salam Alaikum
Thank you sister, the words just didnt comfort or reassure me, but are helping me further realise that I may be here for another purpose ,what that purpose is I will not know only Allah knows. Though things are difficult at home as my mother is not understanding of my situation and no matter how much I explain or simplify it to her she will not understand that I just do not have any desire, we have never been close in general buts that due to the marriage of convenience that occured before.
My family in general would like me to marry and are asking why I am refusing a very good religions man,and brothers asking why im not listening to my parents wishes, I can understand there situation but I do not feel i should have to express myself to my father or brothers or sisters, as its very diffecult and personal, and would result in questions that at this point i dont even have answers for.
But its true, when Almighty Allah S.W.T wishes for you to realise, do you realise, if that makes sense, And I only realised after this good proposal came along at the start of the year. As I knew I didnt have desire since i was little and knew a few things didnt make sense, and did wonder years before, why out of the blue on many occasions, i would be prevented from doing things, that one could consider unislamic, but I managed to get back on track thanx to the mercy of my creator.
Like you said theres goodness in everything and though I cannot do the sunnah of the holy Prophet peace be upon him, I can look to increase and better myself in other areas, Allah is most merciful and compassionate and I pray he guides us to whats causes his pleasure and closeness. Ameen.
I will keep patient as I hold no answers or explanations for anyone even my family, esp my father. but I
Nice responses. I guess you helped more than one person with your response
I will keep patient as I hold no answers or explanations for anyone even my family,esp my father, who is elderly and wonders why I am not settling down with someone that matches a criteria i wanted before and after returning from Hajj.
But I thank you sister, for your dua in particular, and for you have been most helpful and most quick to respond and for taking the time out to read my replys, May Allah truly make this world and your hereafter easy upon you and bless you with happiness and blessings and satifying rewards in both worlds. And give you knowledge in great abundances and make your imaan sweet.Suma Ameen.
Jazakallah Khair
Sabeen
Dear Sabeen, As-salamu alaykum. Sister Noorah has answered your question very well, and I am happy that you have found some comfort and guidance in her comments.
I just want to add that we are not robots or clones. Robots (for example assembly line machines) are built to do a job the same way every time.
We, on the other hand, are human beings, and we are all different. What's right for one may not be right for another. In fact what's right for the first 99 may not be right for number 100.
So although Islam recommends marriage, please don't feel like you must force yourself into a preconceived mold. If you feel that you will not do justice to your husband, then don't get married. Otherwise you'll end up either with another divorce on your hands, or forcing yourself to do something that is not natural to you and being very unhappy.
With that said, I agree with Noorah that you need to look very carefully into the question of the underlying cause of your lack of desire. The first thing I thought when I read your question was trauma from childhood abuse. Or maybe it's something medical and treatable.
Also, I want to put one crazy idea out there. It's just a thought. There are some men who no longer have sexual ability, whether because of an accident, or an illness. For example, nerve damage from prostate surgery, spinal cord injury, diabetes, and epilepsy are all potential causes of permanent impotence in men.
These men may face a lifetime of loneliness as most women will not take them as partners. Marrying such a man might allow you to have companionship and make your family happy, while not forcing you into a situation you cannot tolerate.
As Salam Alaikum
Thank you all for your support and comments,
I love my brothers and sisters and my father, therefore loving is not a issue, I desire alot in life and accomplishments in my sprituality and well being, therefore desire is not a issue there.
I just do not have a desire to be physically attached to anyone, I like humans I like talking and interacting with them and helping and caring and supporting them if I can, but i have noticed thats as far as it has gone and will go. I just dont like getting too close to anyone, and I have been like that for childhood. Unsure if its treatable, but personally I have retaught myself and reprogramed myself just in case it was something from childhood that caused it, but even after doing that for years, I havnt had a urge or desire, and do not see humans in that way. Hard to explain so sorry but if I did go for treatment that would be very expensive for me.
As for your suggestion, my sister and myself discussed that one but my mother refuses, and says that would be one out a thousands and how am i to find him, what caste would he be, and what would i achieve by marrying someone in that situation, what would be the point etc. Therefore I didnt discuss it with my mother again, but personally I do not mind as I require a partner, but then again if its not for me, I can peserver and work hard as i enjoy working and continue to look after other areas in my religious and family life.
As I am hanafi madhab I am unsure if such a marriage with such a person was to happen, would it firstly be valid? and secondly if he did desire me then i refused then would i not be a sinner? Therefore though it is a option and thank you for the suggestion, it is one that will be difficult to find = as parents searching is non existant as there very old, and I work and no one else will and can take the responsibility of finding one that fits that criteria for me. Not even my brothers im afriad.
I thank you all once again, all suggestions and advice welcome, I would like to say Milad Mubarak, in the meantime take care and I will keep responding to any replys or questions.
wassalam sabeen
honestly u making urself believe something untrue many people are religious but have sexual intercourse wit d husband bcoz they are human.u just wasting time and wil realise it wen u probly 70 then it wil b to late for ur desires.
Dear Sister Noorah,
If sister Sabeen let her fiancé knows about her problem, and her fiancé because loves Sabeen, starts researchs and finally knows everything about her feeling and also how to cope with this problem, what you recommend to Sabeena, ignore her fiancé’s love and still stay individual or believe him and say yes to his proposal?
Your brother, Omid
from the other side of this problem