Parents won’t consider anyone I like for marriage because my sister’s choice turned out bad!
"Mum, Dad, please just hear me out"
I wanna to take advise. Sorry for I will write it in a more explained form though I wont be able to explain myself in this much also. I like a boy who was my senior in my college, he also likes me alot. We used to talk before and he was the person because of him I started offering prayers daily. Its been 3 years that we known each other. He is a dedicated muslim and working in the direction of helping poor muslims. It was because of him I also learned about many problem that muslims face today.
All in all he is a very person and also since we decided to marry he made it a point of not talking to me too much as we can easily be swayed by shaitan and thus avoiding that.
The problem with me is that in my family my sister had a love marriage but her husband is till date abusing her both verbal and physical. Even aftr having a child and during her pregnancy also he never took care of her. Always doubt her on her character and curses but also is not willing for a khula or divorce.
Ever since that my mother and my father are very much against liking marriages and also keeps on doubting us and we get regular scolding on even talking on phone with my friends, they think that if we are talking to any boy (as I study in co-ed collge now) then we are having an affair with that person.
I'm a hijab wearing muslim and they always have problm even if I have added my classmate as friends on a social networking sites although I dont talk to them in real that is in college. They are soo against liking marriage that they will reject any person whom we wanna marry.
I'm not of the side to say that parents should marry whom we say to but atleast considering that person can be possible. Now they say they wont even ask me regrding to whom they wants me to marry. I have never hidden a single thing from my mother and nor do I do things that are problem for them.
- Rosu
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Salaam Rosu,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this frustration toward your parents, however at the same time it is important to recognise that our religion forbids any form of intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex, either from afar or from near - and what your parent's are saying to you is in full accordance with these principles.
To me, their actions are symptoms of wanting to prevent something from happening (as you rightly identify yourself), however what you cannot see at the moment is that what they are doing and saying to you regarding marriage is their personal way of trying to remove all possible motivation to meet someone of your own accord from you. I would also hazard a guess that they had reservations about your sister's husband before she married him, but they were influenced by her intent towards him? This would explain why they have made these decisions.
Their reasons for demotivating you from this path are very sound and normal reasons [and actually, Islam itself demotivates us from entering into relationships with non-Mahram males for the same reasons] - they know, as parents, that should they end up meeting someone you have set your heart on, and find some danger or highly dislikable quality in him; then most likely there will be strife and problems within your relationship with your parents, and eventually they may feel like they should give in (for your sake) and then live to regret that decision. What they know is that if they can prevent you from meeting someone and falling for them entirely by making it clear way ahead of time that they will never approve of this in any way shape or form - then they will not have to go through the strife of fighting with you, or letting you go through with something they have already identified as not good for you.
Another reason that parents will try to remove such motivations is that their decision as guardians of your future and your marriage decisions will be heavily influenced by anything you have already set your heart on - so rather than make a good decision in clarity or responsibility - they will instead make a decision based on how badly the situation will affect you (in the event that you bring the intended into their lives - instead of it happening in the prescribed manner).
In short: they are trying very hard to protect you from a bad decision and from setting your heart on something - so that they do not have to be put in the position of breaking your heart later, or being emotionally influenced by you to make a decision for you that they may not have made had you not been already involved with someone.
Knowing this, the best thing for you to do is to let the boy approach your family in the correct manner, introduce himself and ask for your hand: and then follow the Islamic protocol. If he is good, correct and decent - they may accept him and then you can move forward. If they see some badness in him, then allow them the freedom to do what they are supposed to do as parents and trust them on this.
What is absolutely essential is that you do not resent your parents for fulfilling their role as your protector, and for wanting better for you (than your sister). Love and attraction is not the best reason for marriage, and far too many youngsters fall into the trap of thinking they have some special knowledge about a person which should absolve them from Islamic principles.
The truth is, there is no exception to the rules and there is no male and female combination that is so amazingly correct and wonderful that we can throw our religion to one side, ignore our parents and push ahead with it regardless. This is just not the way that it is.
My advice to you is to tell the boy that if he intends to marry you, that he may approach your parents with his parents and spend time with you under supervision. Men who are serious about marriage will do this, regardless of their age, their social standing, their economic prosperity, education level, family circumstance and so on and so forth. Men who are not serious about marriage will not do this and will make excuses for it.
My advice to you is to follow the guidelines regarding male and female, ask this person to approach in the correct manner, trust our religion and trust your parents.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Rosu,
MaashaAllah that was a very good answer by Leyla and I think you should give it some good thought.
I also wanted to add the following: Social Networking seems to have become the new craze amongst not just teens but adults aswell. While it has its benefits, it also has many downfalls if not used with correct guidelines.
In Islam we are given guidelines on how to interact with the opposite gender and this extends to interaction on social networking sites too. It is unnecessary to have males colleagues from school on your personal networking sites and it is also unnecessary to be speaking to them on the phone after school. Your parents have every right to monitor these things.
Little sis, if you want your parents to hear you, hear them too. Show them that you are responsible and are aware of the dangers that exist out there and they will begin to trust you more inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor