Can I marry him as a second wife, while hiding this relationship from his family?
Secret Relationships
Dear All, Assalamalaikum...
This is an issue i really want to clarified upon for the rest of this life...in the most appropriate islamic way...Hope you all will help me..
11 years ago i moved out for higher education with all my parents support and confidence...my soul desire was to educate myself and be a better muslim an educated one at that and contribute my part to this society as a muslimah...
But soon as i reached there i came across a muslim man and fell in love crazily...slowly we grew more fond of each other and 2 years after courtship he confessed he was a married man but by then we had grown very attatched emotionally...and he was married just 3 months before we met...
However..he had his first child...then my college got over and we were still seeing each other...soon after my college I came back home but could not stay away from him...i went back to that place ,got a job...and started helping him in setting up his business as well...and we grew even more closer to each other..frankly totally dependent on each other..emotionally, physically..we became very close friends..
In fact there was no other friend in his life neither in my life..just he and me..our work n our relationship...though we had lot of arguments about marriage still there was nothing keeping us apart...meanwhile my parents were looking out for suitable proposals and i was avoiding each and every rishta coz i knew i would never be able to handle any other person in his place...
But he was not confident of marrying me majorly his reason being that he justified himself saying that i as a girl would never have a normal life being a second wife...and i would suffer for the rest of my life...and i was emotionally disturbed and distressed because me being from a close knit family..
I never revealed this truth of my life to my parents and i knew even in the eyes of Allah i was wrong and was fearing punishment every second...all these led in to huge arguments between us...but still we got back at least for the business we were doing...
Eventually with the growing age and pressure from my parents n relatives i had to move back home...but we were in touch everyday.. With no words to describe ....i succumbed to the pressure of my family for marraige...and as i knew no matter what best i could do...that marriage got in to trouble from the day one...finally my numbers traced...my emails hacked by my husband..and was all forwarded to all my relatives...
And my parents and me could do nothing...i can not elaborate much on this marriage issue coz just he knowing my affair before marriage was not the only reason...however i got divorced...and during all this while with all this emotional stress my health took a toll on me and i had to undergo surgery twice...and still to this date am not yet recovered...doctors doubt my concieving anymore..and i feel all this humiliation,indignation i went through was all the result of the sin i committed....
Now after 1.5 yrs of my divorce we both i mean the man i was loving and me...both are still willing to go ahead with a genuine relationship...not for the society..we want to make this a halal relationship...for Allahs sake..we both know and acknowledge and genuinely repent every moment for the sin we committed and for all the hurt it caused so many people...
He as well knows i cant go ahead with anyone at this age and with this love in my heart for him..and we have not met each other personally though phone calls do happen..during these 11 years he had 2 kids..my parents and family are aware of it and a few days ago i took the courage to speak to my parents about desiring to marry him...
I held onto this relationship coz as a muslim i am always taught to be patient but the physical aspect is something i never even realised when it happened and i truly regret that part...but this man says he would never be able to reveal this marriage to his family as i did coz he fears trouble for me again...
And after all this trouble he doesn't want anymore in my life....coz society nor his wife nor his parents will accept it...
Dear all please suggest me what is the best thing i could do at this stage and please suggest me for my well-being...for i want to correct my life in the eyes of Allah...Allah knows what we have done and how genuine and how bad...for i feel even i deserve some happiness...i want a normal life as any other girl...i can not take all this mess anymore cant be in this depression for life...
I dreamed of a different life but life is this today with all the confusions and messed up life finding no way out.i know i will be happy with him..but with this hiding part and being a second wife to him....i stand no where neither my career wise nor in my family being the eldest child i have no guts to lift my head infront of my parents..damn the relatives...
I donno if at all Allah will ever excuse me but i want forgiveness of Allah and my parents coz this is one issue i fear facing Allah on the Qayamat day VERY MUCH but please suggest me...is it good for my life to hide from his family and getting ahead with this marraige and is it right to ahead with the marraige at all as a second wife...
Allah Hafiz
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Assalamu Alaykum,
Dear Respacted Sister ,
I cried a lot after reading your problem, still fighting for the life. Ask forgiveness to the Almighty, he is alone to forgive and help us , Because of that muslim brother you have lost many things in your life. past is past, Firstly ask forgiveness to ALLAH and perform istiqara ALLAH will decide best thing for you, whatever we select it will be wrong for our life, you just submit your life to ALLAH and get attach with ALLAH by doing ibadat. so that you find peace
Talaq 65:3] And will provide him sustenance from a place he had never expected; and whoever relies on Allah – then Allah is Sufficient for him; indeed Allah will accomplish His command; indeed Allah has set a proper measure for all things.
[Talaq 65:5] This is Allah’s command that He has sent down towards you; and whoever fears Allah – Allah will relieve his sins and bestow upon him a great reward.
this is a ALLAH"s command . so live the best and leave the rest to ALLAH
May ALLAH bless us and guide us to the right path Ameen!
Sr.
For the love of Allah and for your own future peace of mind and sanity, Do not even think about entering into a secret marriage!! It NEVER EVER ends well! Take it from someone who has been there!!
If he truly loves you as he claims to, then nothing will stop him from PUBLICLY taking you as his second wife. Nothing! The fact that he wants to take you a secret wife shows he does not have your best interest at heart! He will eventually leave you and you will be the loser. His life will go on as normal.
Being a second wife is difficult on his own. Add the secrecy to it and what is got is a recipe for disaster!! Misery!!
When push comes to shove, cus it definitely will, He will choose his wife, kids and family over you! Without any hesitation even.
Please leave him and rely on Allah to give you a husband who will be proud to show you off to the whole wide world. I know its easier said that done esp given the number of years you have been with him and also for the fear of loneliness and lack of companionship. But trust me, its better to remain single that to be in a relationship/marriage that will completely strip you of your pride, dignity, respect and reputation! Waaay better even.
I could go on and on but pls my dear sister in Islam, do not make the same mistake I made. At this point, he will sweet talk you and give you all sorts of promises about how the future will eventually be better. But don't be surprised if he turns abusive and change color when you start wanting more time, attention, treatment.
May God guide and give you the strength the do the right thing.
Salam
Sister. Just stop and think for a second. Why are you willing to lower your standards soooo low to the fact that you are someone's secret? Anything secret is BAD! secret marriage, secret children, etc etc etc- what a complicated life you are setting yourself up for. Please Just stop right now and cut off all communications with this player and stop being his little puppet.
You are beautiful, you are worth it, and you should be proud of who you marry and the person who marries you should shout it to the roof top for anyone to see. This is not a healthy relationship.
Trust that Allah has a plan for you, but dont lower your standards and give in to your own self pity and ---"I am so old" business. Thats rubbish, we all have a life journey and this is yours, so do something constructive with your time and life and inshallah you will meet the right person.
True talk Sr. Samira
Wa'alaykumsalam,
I feel so sad reading your story and how your life turned out by just shying away from the teaching of Islam. It is generally true that, when we don't abide by the guidance, rules and regulation of the Quran and when we transgress the limits set by Allah, we are just inviting Allah's anger thereby inviting troubles, depression, stress and all evil related events. This is why in Islam, we are commanded to avoid intermingling between opposite sexes, lower our gaze and be modest and obey Allah. If we breach such laws, then await the terrible consequences that will follow unfortunately, as Allah said "The consequences of evil is evil". It is a fact that life is hard and by transgressing the limits set by Allah, we are only making life much more harder on ourselves as Allah said "Any evil/harm that befalls you is from your own soul". BUT, you are blessed to be a muslim as you can still find guidance by following the Quran and sunnah and hope for a peacefull life filled with happiness as Allah said that If you have transgress against your soul, then do not despair for the mercy of Allah for Allah is oft-forgiving, most merciful. Allah ordered you to turn to him in sincere repentance or else more punishments would come and you would find no help. So take heed sister. I do not need to repeat that, you have sinned and you are still sinning by keeping in touch with a married man.
You said in your post that, as a muslim you always resort to patience and that is why you never left that man but stayed in this relationship, but I tell you that having patience while sinning is of no use in my view as it will only pile up the sins and make it fall on you one day which I think has already happened as you described.
I feel sorry for you that because of this past misjudgment and error, you are now divorced, but I can assure you that, this is not the end of your world. If you wish, you can make it a way of new and beautiful begining. 'Verily after hardship comes ease' is the promise of Allah.
My advise would be that, you try and forget this man. Yes, yes, easier said than done but I took into consideration of one more family that you are about to destroy if you marry him and that family are his wife and kids. Sister, I sorry that you are divorced and your life went downhill, but would you think its fair or nice that the same thing should happen to his wife and kids ? I request you to think about his first wife as your own sister and their kids as yours and please do not be a reason to bring sorrow, depressions etc into their life which might lead to divorce. It is already terrible that the evil married man is cheating on his wife by being with you and if you analyze the whole situation, you can clearly sense that, it is filled with evil.
Lets assume this- If you marry him, there maybe a chance that his first would find out and she might divorce him and take the kids away. If that happens and if he loved his kids, then it is possible that he would divorce you and try to get back with his wife and kids (making you double divorced which you wouldn't even want to think of). Or it maybe possible that, his family (parents) or friends would make life hell for you thus resulting in divorce. Furthermore, you said that you deserve some happiness, I also believe that you deserve real happiness but know that, the chance of experiancing happiness would deminish if you are to be a second wife as it might involve fights, jealousy, favoritism, less time etc.
And so I hope you take into considerations all the cons (I doubt there can be an pros here), and make a decision.
Regarding your parents, if you wish for their happiness and forgiveness, I believe that you should stay with them for now, take good care of them, help them, be kind in your speech and manner, never approach your mobile or laptop, basically show them you have no one to talk to and main acts of all is to be a pious righteous muslimah in your home by praying regularly, reading Quran and helping your siblings about Islam, by witnessing this, your parents might insha'Allah develop good image about you and love you more. I am not saying you to do these to please your parents but to please Allah and He will reward you by showing mercy on you insha'Allah.
To conclude, I think you should ignore that man, cut of contacts with him, forget him forever and pray to Allah to find you a good man. All the while, pray your prayers, make lots and lots of sincere repentance (remember that your repentance would be of no use if you are sinning and repenting), so you have to leave that married man and repent. Cry to Allah, and pray the tahajjud. Ask Allah for forgiveness and He will forgive you.
If you are still in doubt on what to decide, then you have to pray the prayer of guidance (salat istikhara) and hope that Allah will guide you.
May Allah forgive you, guide you and grant you happiness. Ameen.
This is not a healthy thing that you are asking sister. For the sake Allah swt, yourself, and of the hundreds of bros and sisters who just had a heart ache reading your story here, PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!! Do anything to get away. No more secrets dear sister! Please dont hurt yourself more! Do anything to find a real husband and turn your life 360° around. Did you know that this website even has a marraige website on it? Please sister find anyone honest and good to marry and end this torture with this boyfriend.
May Allah make it easy for us all.
AS Sister there is no such thing as a secret relationship in al-Islam. The Walima, is a Sunnah that publically declares your marriage. For the nikkah you need a witness. Think about what you are doing here. You are giving up all the rights given to you as a woman FROM ALLAH.
Leave this man sooner and move on with your life. Don't let an open wound bleed anymore. YEARS is what you wasted on a man who doesn't shwo the courage to stand up to his family. I would never trust him to look after your kids.
As for keeping the second marriage a secret well theres a problem with this when we look to the sahih daleel from Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam because he, salallahu alleyhi wa salam said Announce the marriage! so the marriage must be announced ( as it will avoid suspicion of zinnah) khalass.
a couple of points i want to bring up in regards to this issue, often people claim that the permission of the first wife must be sought, this is not true nor is their any daleel for such a statement, for indeed Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam would simply announce to his current wifes that he was marrying again and khalass.
remember it is not the wife who is marrying again but the husband, and it is none of his other wives buisness, if he marries again, if u trust a man to be your husband and your amir, then you must trust him enough to know whether can afford to keep another wife, it is his marriage and not his first wifes marriage, she is already married and that marriage is her only buisness, and we should not be poking our noses into other peoples business and other peoples marriages, if your husband gets married again to another woman their marriage is absolutely none of your buisness, and you have no right to pry into other peoples marriages or ask questions about it. khalass
People often say “oh but the men of today are not like the sahabba” well of course theyre not but they are still beleiving Muslim men, and they are still good enough to be our husbands then why not another sisters husband? do we not love for our sisters what we love for ourselves? because Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam has told us that we are truely not beleivers until we love for our brothers ( and sisters) what we love for ourselves, if hes good enough to be your husband then he is good enough for your sisters. Khalass.
next thing we often hear is “oh my iman is weak” is this an excuse ? no this is the excuse of the shaitan, if your iman is strong enough to be a muslim, and you beleive in Allah ta ala and you beleive that Allah ta ala knows what is best for his creation, then no your iman is not weak this is just trying to bring an excuse for your own selfishness, and to justify your desires over what Allah ta ala has made halal.
The mere fact that we are even having to speak about polygamy and try to justify dislike for it, amongst ourselves shows how very far away from Islam and Islamic thinking we are, and disliking any part of our deen even if we act upon it, is kufr pure and simple, may Allah ta ala protect us amin… may Allah ta ala guide us to the haq,and keep us firm upon it amin.
who claims that this should be done in highly exceptional circumstances? according to Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam Al-Hasan al-Basri narrated: The Messenger of Allah salallahu alleyhi wa salam said,
“The only two things I cherish of the life of this world are women and perfume.” and The same thing has been narrated by `A´isha “The Prophet of Allah liked three things of this world: Perfume, women, and food; he had the [first] two, but missed food.”
As you may know insha Allah Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam lived a very austere life, most everything that he salallahu alleyhi wa salam had was given in charity and there was a time when they did not have a hot meal for months.
men can re-marry for any reason they like, there is no proof to the contrary from the Quran and sahih sunnah, if like Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam he loves women, then he can marry up to four women, he can also have sexual relations with as many slave women as he likes alongside those four women, (who he does not have to marry at all) and Muhammad salallahu alleyhi wa salam had a child by maryam the copt as she was known, who was a slave woman, ( sadly their son died in infancy) masha Allah there is nothing wrong in this as it allows the slave women to also be saved from falling into fitnah too Alhamdulillah , there is no ayat nor hadith on marrying for a particular reason, because… the male is not like the female… as we all know very well.
( And Alhamdulillah im sure you are not a feminist masha allah we are all muslim women and Alhamdulillah we hear and we obey insha Allah ta ala )
You cant compare polygamy to monogamy. Its a diff set up sorry lets get real here, most have been unsuccessful but if u want to compare it monogamy us much more successful in our society in comparison. Sister I personally know many who have attempted polygamy, in many cases it went up in flames and in other cases it destroyed the first home, no one seems to be pulling it off right.
in this society polygamy is hard to maintain from which ever way you look at it, its especially difficult for the kids, please no one tell me some fantasy stories iv seen many of them end up in divorce so from my own experience its not working out for most
I have had CLOSE friends who have been on different sides of the situation , and in what I have witnessed to date, the marriages fell apart very quickly I should add in some instances it really took its toll on the kids aswell. I am not fabricating it, I know these people by name , I have associated with them and been close to some of them enough to get the low down. I know one friend now who is in that situation and in her words "what can I do Im tolerating it for my kids sake". These are not some fancy blog stories on the internet these are real people.
I am not saying it can't be done, I am not saying it hasn't been done but so far I have seen some real flimsy attempts and I really think it has something to do with sincerity, people can flap their tongues all their want "its sunnah and so on" but in reality something is going wrong and fail rate of polygamy is high in our community.
Islam teaches us that we have to be true to the terms of our marriage contract. And the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, 'there is nothing more worthy of observance than the terms of one's marriage". It is known that by terms he did not mean simply written contracts; they also include those conditions or terms that are simply assumed or taken granted in a particular culture or milieu.
If you married your wife in a culture where monogamy was the norm, and you never mentioned to her about your option to marry a second wife, then you owe it to her to seek her permission to do so. For as the Prophet (peace be upon him) taught us, we are bound by the terms of our marriage contracts. Since there is no reason to limit such terms to the written ones, they should also include those which are simply assumed or taken for granted in a particular milieu or society. If, therefore, your wife would not have married you--if she had the prior knowledge that you would exercise the option to take a second wife-- then it was a tacit agreement you had agreed to with her; as such you are bound by it.
It is a general principle in fiqh that customs can take the status of law. It becomes understood that people are going to behave in a certain fashion. Since that is understood, one party has the right to ask it of the other even if it is not stated in the contract. In the area of marriage, there are some stipulations that are known by custom. These do not have to be mentioned in the contract to be considered binding. However, there are some strict conditions that must be met before a customary act is considered something equivalent to a legal stipulation. These conditions are as follows:
The customary practice cannot contravene or contradict anything expressly laid down by the shari'ah. For example, it is custom in some parts of the world for the woman to pay dowry to the man. In other parts, it is customary to prepare two or three times amount of food that the guests could possibly eat at the walima (wedding feast). Neither party has the right to demand of the other the fulfillment of such customs.
The customary act must be common, well-known and universal and not something practiced only by some portions of the population.
The custom must have been in existence and known before the marriage contract took place.
This is based on the principle of Islamic contract law that: "What is known by custom is the same as what is explicitly stated as a condition." Ibn al-Qayyim discusses this legal principle at length in I`lâm al-Muwaqqi`în, where he clarifies the case of the Prophet (peace be upon him) prohibiting `Alî from taking a second wife while being married to his daughter.
well said sister and well said truth seeker..the problem is,if a man would like to have another wife,he shud have told the wife before marriage that in the future he might get another wife and so on..atleast the wife is aware of it and she can either accept it or not..coz some women cant that's why the family are fallen apart coz the husband get another wife..only if in the first place,the husband is being honest then no kids would suffer aswell as the wife..before marrying my husband,he made a promise and even touch the quran that hes not gonna look for a 2nd wife..coz I told him if he is planning then he should tell me so I can exercise my rights,my choise whether to marry him or not..atleast I have an options..but he didn't give me any options,he told me he will be satisfied with me..i did everything to make him happy,do all the house chores,share all my money,hes not even working and now we keep fighting coz he want to have not just 2 wives but 3 wives which is too much for me to bear..i did agree that he can marry my cousin whos 11 yrs younger than me for the sake of my kids coz I dont want them growing up without their dad..even though I know he don't deserve me,he used to cursed me,call me bad names,call me bitch,dog,and all the horrible words..in the past he beat me many times,weve got 4 kids,and I just gave birth last week and before giving birth he said he wished I die while giving birth,coz hes angry at me coz I don't let him get married with someone whom he met thru internet,an escort girl..he used to chat with this escort women,with a kuffar women,i bear everything pastiently wallahi..I don't know what else he wants..i pray 5x,i wear abaya and niqab though we live in London,im trying my best to be a good servant of Allah,a ggod mother,a good daughter in-law,a good wife to him..but men are men,he sais all men their weakness is a women..and he wants other company,another woman to sleep with..i spoke to many women that hes asking for marriage,some of them are rude,some of them are taking drugs,are married,pregnant,he wants to replace me and our kids with this kind of women astagfirullah..eventhough I agree if my cousin would come to England and if she accepts him for marriage then I don't have problem him marrying her..but im thinking she don't deserve someone like him,my cousin prays 5x,can memorise the whole quran,too innocent and a good muslimah,as she grow up having taqwa and haya..I am Filipino and my husband is Moroccan but was born in uk..Im thinking of leaving him if he gets another wife..he did married again 2 months ago,but he end up divorcing her coz shes quite crazy and bit psycho..i even endure those pain..he even watch porn before and masturbating infront of me,thats how he disrespect me..he do pray 5x and grow his beard but wallahi he is horrible,i just cant leave him coz weve got 4 kids and all are young..the eldest is only 5 yrs old and the youngest is 1 week old..and I don't have no one in this country apart from my mum but she works fulltime and live far from me and barely see her..i feel so stuck and don't know what to do..men shud be honest before marrying someone,so no one would suffer..
sis haydee if u need a shoulder i am here.im a filipino too,a second wife but no kids yet although we r 5years & almost 2 months.wallahi its hard to b 2nd & kept secret coz most of the time im lost but i keep getting up and jz commit it all to Allah, the all knower!