Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother says to keep little contact with a friend who has separated from her husband?

Asalamu Alaikum,

I live in England just so you know in case it helps you answer my question. This story is long but clear. I have this disagreement with my mother. Basically, my friend who I have known for many years got married young to a guy of her own choice; her parents did not agree with it at first but eventually were okay with it once she had married. I know she shouldn't have done that but she did and was happy with the marriage even after 2 years of it so all was going well.

I hadn't seen this friend for 3 years since we lost contact when we left school to go to college or work. One day we both arranged to meet up but my mum was clearly not keen on the meeting because this friend of mine had had a love marriage which she seemed to think would somehow influence me to do the same, which I understood (I really did!) but she was still reluctant. I did meet with her in the end though with my mum knowing about it.

After this meeting we again lost contact and never met properly again until 2 years later (Sept. 2012) by which time she had a baby and had separated from her husband recently. Now, from what she told me she had a perfectly good reason for separating and I understood that reason because my own parents had separated for the very same reason before I even started nursery.

I told my mum that my friend had separated, when I told her she said that’s what happens when you have love marriage but that’s simply not true as it can happen to even arranged marriages which I’ve seen! My friend had a good marriage in the beginning; it was only after 2 years things got difficult in her marriage so no-one could have predicted that it would mess up. Basically her husband changed his attitude for the worst which eventually led to their separation.

I thought it was good they separated, I didn’t encourage it, but I did tell her that it’s best to separate when you know things can’t be fixed otherwise you just end up having more children who get caught up in the situation which isn’t fair. Not only that, but you waste your time hoping your marriage will work out when it clearly won’t. It’s best to move on and get re-married while your kids are still young so that they’re able to adjust to the new parent. The reason I said this to my friend was because my mother stayed with my father despite things being extraordinarily bad between them since day one! My mother had more children hoping the marriage would work but in the end my mother was left to raise all of us on her own and she’s still bitter about it even though Alhamdulillah all of us turned out well established with our careers and education. She’s not happy but angry that she wasted her life married to my father and angry for not remarrying once they eventually separated (not divorced).

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, why is my mum insulting my friend even though she is Masha’Allah handling her situation much better than my mum handled her own all those years ago? Yes, I know my mother is worried about me but she never gives me any credit, Alhamdulillah I have always managed to stay away from guys romantically even though I studied with them at school, college and university while all my friends were dating and I wasn’t Alhamdulillah! Yet she doesn’t trust that I have a brain not to do such things. People will say it’s ‘worry’ but that’s only partly true, it’s mostly about her not trusting me and expecting me to marry some idiot (sorry but that’s the only way I can describe it)! If anything, I’m more reluctant to find a marriage partner for myself because I don’t want to experience what my parents did and I’m just not ready. In fact I’m really scared at the prospect of having to live with a guy for the rest of my life while trying to be the perfect wife. I just can’t do it. I always pray that Insha’Allah some guy worth my while will come along who I will be happy to marry and who will be good for my faith but of course I might not get such a guy. I’m not confident in my image and I just can’t tie myself down to someone. I only trust myself and find relationships daunting.

Sorry for this long story but what I actually want to know is how do I handle this all? How do I make my mum understand that I cannot abandon my friend just because she has separated? After all, my mum is separated herself and she was upset and bitter when some of her friends didn’t support her after her own separation. I think my friend did the right thing by separating and deep down my mum knows it too but she’s just being stubborn because she regrets not doing the same herself. I want to keep meeting this friend because meeting my old friends is what makes me laugh and open up more rather than me sitting at home quietly all day feeling alone which I do a lot! My mum and brother themselves say I need to be more social and outgoing and when I try to be they question what I’m doing even though there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s frustrating and makes me wish I had moved out to study at university! Insha’Allah I want to be a loyal friend and Insha’Allah I will keep contact with this friend but I need my mother to understand that somehow! What do I say to her to make her understand? I feel like I’ve used up every reasonable explanation but she’s still being stubborn and a hypocrite, I’m sorry again but it’s the only way I can describe it. I could always invite this friend over to my house where my mum could keep an eye on us but my mum would not give us privacy, she would instead start talking about herself, not giving us the time to socialise and catch-up.

Please someone help me with this situation. It doesn't sound so bad compared to all the other stories on this site but this is causing a lot of tension at home which only leads to all of us arguing. I swear the stress causes this pressure and numbness to build up on my heart, telling me that I’m in a really bad situation where I’m being forced to do something which I really do not want to do. I’m angry, sad and frustrated at the same time. I know I’m not perfect but I am not actually in the wrong here, my mother is and she will never admit it.




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4 Responses »

  1. As Salamualaikum,

    Sister Fabbiano,

    Are you sure you are not in the wrong? I see that you are wrong and I see the Shaitaan stand by your side.

    I am sorry if it sounds harsh, but what you have said about your mother is even worse.

    Astaghfirullah! Did you just call her a hypocrite? How could you? Whatever be her problem, whatever be her behavior, she does not deserve this treatment from your side. This is unacceptable. Allah Has Given a high position to parents, especially mothers. Even if you were to carry your mother and do an entire Hajj, you wouldn't be able to pay her in the least. And you turn yourself away from her?

    Even if she does something wrong, you need to be kind to her and speak with humility. Allah says in Surah Isra:

    23. And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that
    you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

    24. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."

    This is what your mother deserves. And not a word like 'hypocrite' from her daughter.

    Yes, your mother maybe wrong by stopping you from meeting this friend of yours, but I am sure she intends good for you. She intends that the same does not happen with you. Perhaps she thinks that you'll feel hatred towards relationships and it'll be difficult for you to be happy with 'a man' for the rest of your life, just like an ideal couple.

    And I see this happen while you speak about the potential men using the word 'idiot' and while you believe that the man of your choice, you'll never find.

    This is wrong. There are many brothers out there who are perfectly alright. You don't intend to see, perhaps.

    My sister, I maybe sounding harsh, but you need to check yourself. You need to restrict yourself from insulting your mother anymore.

    Yes she maybe insulting your friend, but she does it because she doesn't want to see you in that position, though it is wrong on her part.

    I understand that you have a 'brain' that stops you from doing wrong. But you wouldn't even realize when Shaitaan drives you to where you don't want to go. Being a Human, you do sin.

    In conclusion, what I wish to say is that if you listen to your mother and decrease your contact with your friend, just to keep her word, you won't be committing a sin. In fact, Allah May even Reward you for keeping her word.

    But by meeting her and upsetting your mother, you would be committing a sin. Your friend may find someone else to share her story with, but you won't find another mother to take care of and and to obey. How important mothers are? Ask those who have lost their mothers.

    In short, if you can please your mother while not committing a sin, you should grab that opportunity, as opposed to losing this opportunity and upsetting your mother, thus committing a sin.

    I hope you take my advise positively


    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • A friend just shared this beautiful Hadith on facebook. I thought I should share it with you:

      The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “As I entered Paradise I
      heard a recitation of the Quran in it. So I asked, ‘Who is this?’ They said, ‘This is Haaritha ibne Numaan. This is the compensation of those who do good to parents. This is the reward of those who are courteous to parents.’’ [Mishkaat]

      He (my friend) said:

      Shouldn’t we all strive to be like Haaritha ibne Numaan (radi Allahu anhu)? He was most courteous and well behaved towards his parents and his reward from Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for that was to place him in the Gardens of everlasting joy.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • I guess I just spoke out of anger when I said some of those things about my mother. When I said hypocrite I meant this: My mum always wishes she had gotten remarried and given us to my father when we were young. Now my friend is separated and she is looking to remarry just as my mum wished she had. I think now my mum sees that this girl is doing the right thing for her sons sake so she has stopped judging me, though she wouldn't want me hanging out with this girl all the time, or any friend for that matter. I only go to see my friend once every few months because we're both busy with work/education.

      No matter how calmly us children talk to my mother, she misinterprets everything which is what causes arguments. We say one thing and she thinks we've said something completely different. It hurts to think that no matter how much you talk to her she won't listen and that our family life will never improve. This is what caused me to become even quieter than I already am. I pray to Allah that my mother will stop being paranoid that everyone is out to ruin her life. I know she has raised me and I am grateful to her for that but for some reason I can't have a conversation with my mother without her making everything about herself. I am talking about even the most general things like when discussing how my day was. It's because of this our bond isn't so strong anymore.

      As for getting married, I don't need my friends' relationships as an example. My parents relationship had a big impact on my view of marriage already. I actually seem to have a phobia of marriage. I just don't see it happening for me, especially when I've never liked anyone. This is not me being big-headed, I'm actually sad that I feel this way. It's no fun to think that I will never warm up to anyone and that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

      • I understand how it feels. I know that your mother has this problem, but sister, help her by being gentle and by not arguing with her.

        Obedience to parents is obligatory except in what is haram. So if my mother asks me not to meet a particular person, I would stop meeting that person. If meeting him helps my deen, I will try and explain to her, but I would not meet him if she does not agree.

        The solution is that you do not argue with her. In sha Allah, gradually, you will develop a strong bond after which you can help her overcome HER problems.

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