My Father is Having an Affair
Question:
Asalamu 'alykum,
I have a problem with my father and I need some advice. I know my father is having an affair because I went through his phone and found some of that woman's messages. He keeps phone lock on and I am the only one who found out his password. I do not think my mother knows about his affair.
What do I do? Should I tell him?
I am getting married with in a month and I have realized that I have been my mothers happiness for a long time as she is not getting much attention from my father, and I feel that she would need me after I am married and I won't be there for her. How do I make him stop and repent?
Sometimes I get scared of getting married as I am scared what happened to my mother would one day happen to me.
- rahmaamer
Leyla's Answer:
Salaam rahmaamer,
Your fears regarding marriage and your future are natural ones, as we all worry that things won't work out, that we will end up losing what we love and what we care for - we all have these worries, so I would say that these thoughts are quite natural.
I can see no reason why you cannot be there for your mother after marriage - marriage is simply starting a life with another person and all of our family relationships stay in tact, remain strong and really, marriage is not the loss of any relationship but rather the gain of a new relationship - your wife-to-be can add to your mother's life rather than take something away from it. Ideally our families grow through marriage rather than shrink, and there will be an adjustment period - but you will soon find out that your mother will still be a big part of your life and you will still be a big part of hers.
Regarding your father's transgressions, I would tread very carefully around this. It is sinful to go through other people's things so I hope you are aware of this. Regarding the messages, to accuse someone of such a great sin as adultery you need to be very sure, and ideally you will have witnesses to their being together and not just text messages. You must be 100% positive that it is adultery. If you choose to take action on this, I would advise that you take that action with your father, away from your mother as this information could hurt her very badly and your father still has the power to quit it. It may be that he has taken a second wife, or intends to take a second wife...there are many possible interpretations to text messages which is why it is important to know what you are dealing with before you approach the situation.
If you want to take it up with him, I would suggest choosing a time where you are alone together with little risk of interruption to give you an opportunity to talk properly and explain to him that you are worried that he may be having an affair and this concerns you because adultery is a grave sin in Islam, detested by Allah. Remind him of his religious obligations, of his marriage and of his own soul and ask him what his intentions are.
Be prepared for strong reaction or denial on his part and try to refrain from anger - as there is no good reaction to accusations of adultery or discovery of adultery. Remain calm and focused on the outcome you want which is that your father recognise the grave sin he is involved with and a sincere intention on his part to redeem himself.
If you feel at any stage during this time that your mother needs to know, or you feel that keeping this from her is making you feel bad, or guilty or you can't see any good to keeping it from her I would recommend that you have a conversation with your father which suggests to him that he needs to come clean with your mother (instead of you telling your mother).
Peace,
Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaam,
Your fears regarding marriage and your future are natural ones, as we all worry that things won't work out, that we will end up losing what we love and what we care for - we all have these worries, so I would say that these thoughts are quite natural.
I can see no reason why you cannot be there for your mother after marriage - marriage is simply starting a life with another person and all of our family relationships stay in tact, remain strong and really, marriage is not the loss of any relationship but rather the gain of a new relationship - your wife-to-be can add to your mother's life rather than take something away from it. Ideally our families grow through marriage rather than shrink, and there will be an adjustment period - but you will soon find out that your mother will still be a big part of your life and you will still be a big part of hers.
Regarding your father's transgressions, I would tread very carefully around this. It is sinful to go through other people's things so I hope you are aware of this. Regarding the messages, to accuse someone of such a great sin as adultery you need to be very sure, and ideally you will have witnesses to their being together and not just text messages. You must be 100% positive that it is adultery. If you choose to take action on this, I would advise that you take that action with your father, away from your mother as this information could hurt her very badly and your father still has the power to quit it. It may be that he has taken a second wife, or intends to take a second wife...there are many possible interpretations to text messages which is why it is important to know what you are dealing with before you approach the situation.
If you want to take it up with him, I would suggest choosing a time where you are alone together with little risk of interruption to give you an opportunity to talk properly and explain to him that you are worried that he may be having an affair and this concerns you because adultery is a grave sin in Islam, detested by Allah. Remind him of his religious obligations, of his marriage and of his own soul and ask him what his intentions are.
Be prepared for strong reaction or denial on his part and try to refrain from anger - as there is no good reaction to accusations of adultery or discovery of adultery. Remain calm and focused on the outcome you want which is that your father recognise the grave sin he is involved with and a sincere intention on his part to redeem himself.
If you feel at any stage during this time that your mother needs to know, or you feel that keeping this from her is making you feel bad, or guilty or you can't see any good to keeping it from her I would recommend that you have a conversation with your father which suggests to him that he needs to come clean with your mother (instead of you telling your mother).
Peace,
L
Thank you Leyla for advising a cautious path and reminding people not to jump to conclusions.
Also, rahamaamer, I agree with Leyla that you did the wrong thing by "finding out" your father's password and reading his text messages. That's a violation of his privacy and you had no right to do that.
If you ever feel that you must confront your father, I would say something like this:
"I am concerned that you may be having an affair. If so, I don't want to embarrass you or expose you. I only want to advise you to end the affair and make tawbah to Allah, because I love you and I don't want you to be shamed in front of Allah on Yawm al-Qiyamah. Also, I know you don't want to hurt mom, and you know this would hurt her very badly if she finds out."
i know that me vilotating his privacy was not really the right move, and i am sure that he is having an affair... thank you layla for your words and thank you wael !!! I will confront him. Insha'allah it will go well.