How to get rid of thoughts of my ex-husband? Or is it a sign from Allah?
As Salaamu Alaikum
I hope that someone can help me. I was married to a wonderful brother over 11 years ago. I converted to Islam and got married soon after I graduated from high school. Long story short my ex-husband and I; level of iman were always on two different levels. He eventually divorced due to my faults. I still think about him even after 11 years has passed and each time it's tremendously painful to think of him because Allah knows that I still love him and want desperately to be his wife again in this life and in Jannah. He's since remarried quickly after our divorce and has children and lives in another country.
My question is how can I move on with my life and have hope in Allah that maybe Allah will bless me again with another good husband. Or should I take the constant thoughts of him as a sign from Allah that maybe we will re-marry and if not can I ask Allah to make him my husband in Jannah even though he is already married and more than likely his current wife is also praying that they too be married in Jannah? I don't understand how in Jannah Allah will grant us anything we asked for but how can this be if the one you want someone also wants as well. I just need peace of mind, I want to not think of him so much, but I also want to feel hope that Allah will bless me with him again with him or maybe another good brother even though I now have two children that was born at a time when I was not practicing my deen. Sorry for my long message.
Jazakallah Khairan.
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My dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,
I hear and feel your pain, but I am sure that Allah hears, feels and knows your pain to the full extent. Losing a loved one causes immense sadness, pain and emptiness but eleven years is a long time to be waiting to be reunited with a lost love. Sometimes we lose out on something due to our own behaviours, but we can use the lessons learned to be better next time. If you want to find another good husband, you need to let go of your ex-husband. While you are still living in hope of being re-united, you will never recognise or accept any opportunities even if they are right infront of your eyes.
Dear sister, its ok to accept that you loved your ex husband deeply and also that you still do. But its also in your best interests to accept that he has moved on. This does not mean that you will never find happiness again. Know that Allah knows full well the condition of your heart. Talk to him(swt), tell Him(swt) to help you move direction and to let go of your ex and Allah will bring the best opportunity your way.
Make a conscious effort to move on and do not undermine your ability to attract another good husband. Having two children from your days of jaahiliya are not barriers to your being in a happy marriage. A good Muslim man will not judge you on your past. The only barriers are in your mind and attitude. So try to work on 'letting go' and inshaAllah when you begin to feel confident and happy in yourself as a Muslimah, you will attract a likeminded Muslim man for marriage too inshaAllah.
And do not worry about who will be your husband in Jannah because before that, your concern should be about just getting into Jannah. Once in, you will not have a single worry or pain and you will be completely happy with whoever Allah blesses you with as a spouse.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sister, may Allaah replace your husband with a man who is just as good.
when we have something, we dont realise how lucky we are to have it untill it is taken away.
that ex husband is not lawfull for you untill you remarry and that man divorces you out of his will.
Dear Sister
I can feel your pain, I really can! However, I cannot imagine what it must be like to pine for someone for 11 years. That is a long time.
Sometimes, we have regrets in life. I really believe true love never dies. We pray and hope that our love is returned to us. We believe so strongly in the mercy of Allah that we then also believe He will give us exactly what we want. But that is not the right way of looking at things.
Oftentimes, we dont' know what the other person is thinking or feeling. But many times, Allah SWT will show mercy on us by giving us signs, messages to let us know that the answer is "no" and to move on.
Dear sister, Allah SWT gave you this sign shortly after your divorce. Your ex-husband remarried and had children with another woman. Isn't that enough to satisfy you that your prayers will not be answered and you will not be reunited?
I know it is very painful to accept these signs. When we want something or someone so badly that it hurts, we don't open ourselves to alternatives. But think about it sister: all these years, you have been living your life. You've been raising your children. You have been living, breathing, praying. You haven't died without this man! So, there is a life after him, and there will continue to be.
It is time to move on. Acknowledge that you will love him forever. There is nothing wrong with that.
Now carve a life for yourself. Yes, in Jannah we wil be given our just reward. But the Quran speaks of Jannah in metaphors. We don't know what is really there, because it is a completely different level of existence, it is a different reality, it is a different world. Whether you are with your ex-husband in Jannah or not, rest assured that you will be happy in Jannah! Allah knows what your just reward is. Leave it to Him.
I am so sorry you have been suffering all these years. Move forward. You may, or may not, meet someone else. Only Allah knows. It is difficult in this day and age for muslim women to marry, I'm not going to sugarcoat that for you. But whether you marry or not, you must find meaning in life that is separate and apart from fantasies of reuniting with a man who is married to someone else.
Love yourself enough, sister, to wait for a man who wants you.
God may not give you the person you dream to be with, but He knows that you deserve someone who dreams to be with you.
Maryam,
IslamicAnswers.com Editor