I dont want to divorce my husband but I am also scared of giving him another chance
Can you recognise the cycle of abuse?
Assalamu Alaikum,
I would like to ask an advice and guidance regarding my marriage. I had a nikkah over the phone and had only met my husband after I had the nikkah since he lived in Pakistan and I live in the UK. This was an arranged marriage. I had seen his picture and had spoken to him over the phone. Since my parents knew the family so well and my in laws seemed so nice I thought my parents made the right decision.
After we had a nikkah my husband came to UK and then I found out how aggressive he really was. The marriage has still not been consummated. During an argument with my husband I was accused of having an abortion (which is not true) and I told him that I can get a medical report to prove my innocence. He said he believed me but he also verbally and physically abused me.
But, my parents asked me to give him a chance since he begged my parents and said that he had changed. Hence, I gave him many chances. In the mean time I spoke to my mother-in-law about my husband's aggressive behaviour and my mother-in-law said he will change and to give him more time so I did but nothing changed. My mother-in-law also told me that she wanted a grand child and she only wanted boys and told me that it depends on your niyat and my husband had the same view!Which shocked me!After a lot of convincing my husband finally said even if we have a girl we will not throw her away!Anyways
This year in Jan, me and my husband had a massive argument and we both said things to put down each other (I know I was wrong to answer back but I couldn't take it ) and I asked him for a divorce as I had had enough. He begged for forgiveness but I said no and then he accused me and my father for planning the divorce!
My parents always took his side but this time even they said he went too far and he went one step further and swore at my parents as this time my parents had enough of him as well(he left a voice mail and swore at my whole family and also said keep the gold (which was given to me by his mother when we first got engaged) because I slept with ur daughter when he didn’t as the marriage was not consummated.
I ignored him and didn’t speak to him. But, a few weeks later I found out that he was in hospital and was extremely ill. So, once again I felt sorry for him and went to see him and after seeing his state I decided to forgive him. Now we are thinking of registering our marriage. But, I'm not sure because I am very scared. What if I get abused by my husband again? I forgave him but now I am having second thoughts.
He says he has changed and even though he has not made any false accusation in five months he does still get very angry over little things. That is why I'm so scared and think that he has accused me so many times what will he say next? I know I shouldnt be thinking negative but I can't help but think what if we have a child together and tomorrow he doesn't accept the child and accuses me of doing something haram. He says he will change and even said to me did I swear at you for the past five months...he didn’t swear at me but he does get angry over little things and just because he didn’t swear at me for the past five months it doesn’t prove that he will not swear again or would abuse me again.
The thought of divorce really scares me but so does giving my husband another chance. I can live in poverty with my husband but really cannot see myself living with him when he makes false accusations and has a bad temperament. Please advice me what I should do?I did istikhara aswell but I didn’t see anything in my dream.
JazakAllah Khair
- 2250sb
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Praise be to Allaah.
We ask Allaah to help you cope with the calamities that have befallen you, and to grant you the reward of those who are patient, for He is Most Generous, Most Kind.
The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insukting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.
We have heard that many people have a hard time finding a job by which they may earn their livelihood, and that it may take a long time to find a suitable job. We have heard that many of these people oppress their wives and beat them, as if they are the cause of what is happening to them. It is as if they use this situation to justify their abhorrent actions. These men have to fear Allaah and to realize that they are the ones who are most in need of obeying Allaah and keeping away from haraam things; they should not commit sins then justify that for themselves.
The Muslim has to realize that he is in the world of trials and tests, so he must adorn himself with patience in bearing all the things that happen to him in this life. He should turn to Allaah by praying to Him to relieve him of the disasters that have befallen him, for He is the One Who relieves worry and distress, and Who answers the prayer of the one who has been wronged, may He be glorified and praised. Nothing is hidden from Him and there is nothing that He is unable to do in the heavens or on earth, to Him be praise in the beginning and at the end.
He is the most generous of those who are generous, and His slave does not seek to draw close to Him but He is even swifter in drawing close to His slave. Al-Bukhaari (6856) and Muslim (4832) narrated in their Saheehs that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’”
In your case, my sister, Allaah is testing you by means of a man whose behaviour and attitude are bad. Based on what has been mentioned in the question, it is permissible for you to ask for a divorce (this is what is called khula’), because living with this man and anyone like him is something that is unbearable. Perhaps Allaah will compensate you with someone better than this man. If you cannot find another husband, then staying without a husband in your parents’ house, where you will be cared for and respected, will be better for you than staying with this man, so long as you do not fear that you will be tempted or will fall into haraam things. But if you fear that you may be tempted, then being patient and bearing worldly troubles by staying with this man will be better for you than having to bear the punishment of Allaah.
And Allaah knows best.
Salaams Sister,
I am sorry for what you are going through. When I hear stories like these, I want to say divorce and be rid of him, based on my own experience. However, divorce is a drastic step and the prospect of being divorced is daunting, as you've expressed.
Assess the state of your marriage. On this site, there have been many useful responses to other queries regarding criteria for marriage. What good points does your husband have? Does he actively practice Islam? Do you have any shared interests and ideals in life? Does he take care of you financially? Do you only argue or do you ever have any civilised conversations and happy times? Do you ever discuss the future- a future that features both of you?
What is the cause of his anger? Why is it that you haven't consummated the marriage? Is that a mutual decision? You mention five months. That is a long time and somewhat unusual.
Looking at how he's treating you, it is not a healthy start. There doesn't seem to be any efforts to get to know each other and enjoy each others company. You say he verbally and phyisally abuses you. In my experience, this was a method employed by my husband to wear me down mentally and to take control and power in the 'relationship'. Also that he suggests that if you were pregnant, you'd be accused of doing something haraam. What is his objective at the end of the day?
By the way you are not required to register the marriage as it is already legal under UK law, as you have sponsored him as your spouse. If you were to divorce, you would have to obtain a civil divorce, prior to an Islamic divorce. I'm sorry but I have to air this possibility, I just want you to look out for yourself but not make you feel paranoid. He may simply want to obtain life in the UK via you and then move on and do his own thing. Since he is creating arguments out of any situation- as you said, he still gets angry over little things. He does not want to have a child with you from want you are saying and he is being abusive in order to have control over you. It does not help when your parents have sided with him. I was in that situation and despite having two children with my estranged husband, we separated (his doing) and he now does his own thing with zero contact with the children. You don't want to end up in that position as its awful. I am now in the process of going about getting a divorce.
My advice to you is to consider mediation with an objective person. Family intervention rarely helps. It can make matters worse. I suggest you exhaust all possiblities so at least then you know you have really tried. Use the time left wisely before you would be sponsoring him for Indefinite Leave to Remain. Having a baby won't keep a you together either if your husband has an agenda - the arguments he is raising regarding baby matters could be that he plans not to have a child with you. I am again sorry to cast this view but I am only offering my opinion going by the case you have presented.
Be calm, confident. Refrain from retaliating in arguments. Don't display your fears or in fact anything that I have suggested, as he's hardly likely to admit to such things IF he indeed has such motives. It will also make him more on guard. I stupidly relayed all my fears to my husband, thus he was able to fool me into thinking that I was mistaken and that he was worth keeping long enough for me to sponsor him indefinitely.
I may well be biased but in many cases, a spouse entering into a Western country has a sole objective of simply getting to the that country and using the marriage as a stepping stone to fulfill that ambition
Keep doing Istikhara prayers. I may be incorrect but I think you have to do this continuously for seven days until you see a sign in a dream. Also I'm sure I read that you may not see a dream but get a sign in real life. In any case, always ask Allah for guidance in all that you do.
All the best Insha'Allah,
Hopeful
Salaams again,
I re-read your post again and somehow I missed the bit about the issue of a baby's gender. You wrote;
' After a lot of convincing my husband finally said even if we have a girl we will not throw her away!'
A lot of convincing?! ' THROW her away?! This attitude is simply appalling, evil and backward. It is like that of the times in pre-Islamic Arabia where they had such disregard for baby girls that they would bury them alive, Astaghfirallah!
Thus in my initial response, where I asked if he actively practices Islam, I can't see how with a disturbing attitude as this. If your-mother-in-law only wants grandsons, then obviously this warped mentality regarding the gender of a baby stems from her. However, he ought to be grown up enough to realise it is wrong.
Salamu Aleikum dear sister, Bismillah,
May Allah bless you and give you patience.
Let me tell you that I do understand your agony and the misery you are in. You are in a
vicious cirle because you seem to be a very pious, loveable and forgiving person , but
unfortunately not every man has deserved such a wonderful woman like you. Many people
take advantage of these traits and want to make a woman submissive and humiliate her.
Although many people don't approve of rejecting culture completely and only taking Islam as
barometer, I think that this can make our lives paradise on earth.
In your case: Accepting the marriage proposal on the telephone without having ever talked to the man
or having seen him before is of course problematic and I'm not sure if a nikkah over the telephone
is valid although I don't know the jurisprudential perspective. Two spouses should look at each
other( with restrictions), talk to each other and you have to gain as much knowledge as possible
about the man you want to marry. Trusting your family is wonderful and shows that we have strong
family ties in the Middle East and in Islamic culture, but you're an individual and you're going
to spend the rest of your life with this man, not your family. They can be chaperones during the proposal on
which both of the potential spouses should be present and advise you, not more. They are more
experienced, but it's your life. Advising yes, but not more.
When I hear that a man beats a woman, I start trembling because it annoys me, but it shows that
your husband has a low sef-esteem and can only express himself by showing verbal and physical
aggression. Rassul Allah said: A man who beats his wife puts his hands further into the hellfire.
Islam gave women a status unprecedented in history, why do we have families and husbands in
our Ummah who say that they prefer sons over daughters instead of being grateful for a healthy child?
What did Rasool Allah fight for in the desert of Arabia? What's the next step? Female infanticide?
Have we returned to the times of Jahiliya? The fact that he falsely accused you of aborting a child
means that he has done zulm to you. Sister, to be honest, I don't know what to tell you about
leaving him or staying with him. In my opinion, the whole situation with your parents is bizarre. Why
can they interfere in your relationship? Don't misunderstand me, but turning to relatives when there
are problems in a marriage is not the best thing to do. They don't have this impartiality of a third party
and a mother who carried her child in her womb will never be able to be objective. Why can your
parents beg you to stay with him? It's your life. Who is going to raise the children? You or your mother in
law? From what I have learned about Islam, the deen tells
us to preserve good family ties, not to interfere in other people's lives and lose control over our decisions.
Obedience towards parents is obligatory as long as they tell you to follow the religion, otherwise,
Allah's commands are more important. I had a similar problem at the beginning of my marriage, in terms
of interference, but in the case of physical abuse you have to seek help and advice from others. I would
recommend you, if you want this relationship to be successful anyhow , to sit down and think how you can
become more independent of this whole extended-family system without hurting or offending the elders. At
the beginning, it's going to be hard for them to accept your reticence. But they have to learn that without
boundaries, a family system is going to collapse.
Aks yourself this question: Do I want this man? Do I want him to be the father of my children? Will he be
able to convey Islamic values to them? As from what you have written, I don't think so. Maybe he has
realized that his behaviour wasn't right or he has problems to integrate and adapt to the life in the UK.
I don't want to tell you what to think, but how to think as I can understand you're clueless. It's not
easy, being stuck between culture and religion. Of course you love your family, they raised you,
they were there for you in difficult situations and calamities. But following male-dominated traditions
that have become an integral part of many Eastern societies can't be your future. You're mashallah
an innocent, wonderful, caring and mehraban person. When you take Islam and Allah as your only
barometer, maybe a solution will be in sight very soon. Divorce or not, it's your decision and your life.
Islam allows it as a last resort, provided that all conditions were met. The main condition: Choosing
the partner for deen without being influenced by anyone but the Qu'ran(istikhara) and Allah's laws.
Getting angry over little things and swearing? He didn't swear at you for the past five months and he's proud
of that? Isn't good akhlagh something we should take for granted in an Islamic marriage?
Maybe you could also consult the help of an Islamic marriage counsellor.
I hope that you will be able to make a reasonable decision and do what you think is right for you. I won't tell
you what to do like all other parties in your life. The decision lies in your hands.
Jazakallah
deen,
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry for this great burden of anxiety and distrust that you have to bear.
Your husband is in a perpetual state of victim hood - holding everything responsible for what happens in his life except for himself. He plays the victim also, making himself sick when he doesn't get his way, throwing tantrums, being at first aggressive to you and then afterwards absolutely shocked when you have had enough. He is also demonstrating extreme paranoia - jumping to conclusions which absolve him from responsibility: he does not believe that his behaviour is what has caused you to ask for divorce: but some grand plan against him.
I would advise that you create distance and continue to watch his behaviour. But rather than look for signs that the violence or aggression has stopped: look to see if he has begun to assume responsibility for his own actions and their consequences. If he has a breakthrough and admits responsibility for his life, and the consequences and actions and seeks to take responsibility for himself and take ownership of himself then there is hope for him. He must stop blaming others for his actions, and behaviours and he must step up and accept the consequences for his actions without falling into the victim state and seeking sympathy.
For you, this will be a hard slog and it will be difficult for you to find any peace, security or comfort because of his attitude. His attitude and character is the only thing that will give you long-term peace and comfort, so if he has stopped being violence but is still whining and finding something else to blame for whatever he does - then you will spend your days trying to make him see what the rest of the world can see already. It is a very soul destroying and depressing experience to have to explain to people why a girl child is just as much of a blessing as a boy child and things like this: and battling with ignorance saps energy and life out of a person.
Life and marriage is not just about violence or no violence, it's about adulthood, responsibility and commitment to a better, more moral life - a shared attitude and common ground. As time goes on, your relationship will be tested again and again by many challenges and the only thing that will get you through harsh times is a unity of attitude, perspective and taking responsibility.
At times, you will be weak and your husband needs to be strong for you, at other times your husband will be weak and you will have to be strong for him and there must be a balance between you. If you do not have this balance - you will always be working to try to find it at the cost of progress.
I cannot see any signs of your husband being there for you, supporting you, encouraging you or improving you or your life in any way. What I see in your question is that his attitude, his families attitude and his actions are a burden to you, pulling you in opposite directions with every statement, and action. He is not taking care of himself, and he is not taking care of you.
If you go forward with this marriage, you will always have this sensation of burden on you and comfort and peace in your heart and mind will come very difficult.
I would advise that you do not go ahead, and instead find someone who actually benefits you in some way - mentally, spiritually, and emotionally and enriches your life and makes it better for you.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
dear sister,
feeling sorry or your situation is not enough. you are in a difficult situation indeed , no doubt about it ,with no help as such. but remember there is no better help and friend than Allah.and indeed he is enough. remember Allah will change things for if you want them to be.
domestic violence is not only physical abuse which unfortunately we all think, its any action that is intended to cause physical , emotional and financial harm.this man indeed is causing all of them. what he is doing is sinful and unlawful and unacceptable. abusing is wrong enough but letting somebody abuse you when you have a choice to be out of the situation is also wrong. there should be ZERO TOLERANCE to any kind of abuse, Full stop.
you shuold be feeling lucky that you dont have any kids. it would have made your situation even more difficult. my dear sister remember my words, if a man does not respect you for being his wife he will NEVER respect you for being the mother of his children either if thats what you are hoping for.
if you want to test things a bit longer , you can ,to ensure in your heart that it may work but most likely it wont. 'hopeful' has very rightly said that you can try exhausting all your options before you reach a final decision but Dont get pregnant.you have to give yourself a chance first before you involve another life, if this child comes in a violent environment you will regret it.
try to be financially stable for yourself. join a course in college , there is a lot help out there, you just need to firm in your mind.
my last piece of advice, which i say to myself as being single uptil now, ' Its not the best to be alone but there is something more worse than it and its being in a relationship and still feeling alone and lonely'.
Allah will guide you inshallah.
Assalamu Alaikum brothers/sisters,
@Hopeful brother/sister....unfortunately, my husband does not practising muslim...I have recently started practising Alhamdulillah.He doesnt take cares of me financially as he is a student and he works part-time.However, he has given me money previously...he gets angry when I say that his family has said something which I dont agree with for example as I have previously mentioned my mother in law wants a grandson not a grandaughter and this thing really did get to me.Hence, I mentioned this to my husband and he didnt like the fact that I discussed that with him(this was nearly a year or two ago though).I have said to him that if I will see his family doing anything wrong which is against Islam I will point out or if his family will ask me to do something which I dont agree with I will excuse myself.But, I will never disrespect his family.Even if my own blood did something which was against the teachings of Prophet(PBUH) I will speak out. Whether they(my family or his family) listen to me or not thats up to them and between Allah(SWT) and them. I am aware that I am not perfect myself.Hence, I am trying my hardest to be a better muslimah whether I will be successful or not Allah knows best.The reason why the marraige has not been consummated yet is cuz of my fears!It is not a mutual decision..However, he has respected my decision and never forced me.The reason why I am so scared of going near my husband is because I have been scared of getting accused again and my husband and his family rejecting our baby...In addition, since my hubby wasnt working and didn’t support me financially(and still doesnt) I didn’t want to bring a child in this world and ask others for money.And you are so right having a baby will not help...
@Jannah brother/sister, I had an arrange marriage.I didnt even know that I was engaged!My mother in law had sent a proposal and had also spoken to my father.My father had not said yes to the proposal.As I was studying at the time my father had requested my mother in law to wait til I finish my studies and he(my father) explained to my mother in law that he wil need my consent before he can accept the proposal.But, somehow they presummed that my father had approved.And it was my grandmother who persuaded me to marry him as my grandmother(it seems) was more worried about their reputation(as they had told everyone!)then me.I never thought in my life that I would get married the way I have.I did get to see his picture and had the chance to speak to him over the phone and my mum was present in the same room.And I couldnt agree more with u I would love to have a healthy and pious girl or a boy...mother in laws who demand a grandson forget that they are daughters too…
@ brother Ali M, I couldn’t agree more with u when u stated that “Allaah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am. And patience is the key to happiness.However, some times I can be very impatient.I am living with my parents and I must say I am at peace and more patient then I was before. I have not yet registered our marriage and don’t intend to in the near future either unless any miracle happens which I doubt it. I also recently found out that someone had done black magic on him and me.I don’t know whether to believe in it or not.Allah knows best.
@sister Leyla, sis u said in your comments that “If you go forward with this marriage, you will always have this sensation of burden on you and comfort and peace in your heart and mind will come very difficult.”You know what sis that is exactly how I felt.If I decide to go ahead with the divorce I don’t wish to be with another man!Cuz I am mentally drained.And, I had rather concentrate on other things InshaAllah.
@sister/brother friend, yeh ur so right I am lucky that I do not have kids and yes sis I do need to be firm in my mind and be financially stable InshaAllah. sis I am a graduate and InshaAllah will find work soon as I have had interviews and im waiting for the replies so lets see. And my dear sis I was not feeling sorry for myself.I was jus depressed and in need of an advice and I really do appreciate yours and other brothers and sisters advice and cannot thank each and everyone of you enough for taking the time and replying.It is greatly appreciated.May Allah(SWT) reward each and everyone of you and your family immensely in this world and in the hereafter Ameen.
Wasalaam.
Ps. I meant my husband is not a practising muslim!
May Allah give you patience. Insha Allah you'll find a good practising brother with good morals.
Mashallah , u're a graduate and u can be independent and even have a flat of your own.
I wish you all the best
Jannah
JazakAllah Khair dear sis Jannah....:)
salam....it was really sad n painful for me to read bout ur case...i wish to talk or chayt with u...
Assalam-o-Alaikum Sister,
I hope I am not late. Although many of the brothers and sisters have told you that its your right to ask for divorce. I think its every wife's right to ask for divorce but sister please see that its the most disliked thing by Allah, as Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) said:
'Of all things that Islam has permitted, divorce is the most disliked by Allah.' (Abu Dawud)
I think people change, some of us become better some worse. I also believe that this life is a constant struggle, sometimes Allah tests and puts us into trials to keep us on the straight path or to test our iman. I think there are difficulties in our lives because we go astray from Allah's path, and Allah guides us to keep us on right path. If we are left alone without any difficulties than probably we are left alone in this world and (Allah forbid) Allah has left us. And surely we cannot walk on straight path without Allah's help.
Sister you mentioned that your husband does not practice islam and you have recently started to practice islam, I think there are two scenarios,
1- Either you were practicing islam before your marriage problems started.
or
2- You started practicing islam after your marriage problems started.
If its the first case then I'll request you to view your situation keeping this aayat in mind:
"Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe," without being put to the test?" [29:2]
and work and pray that you can avoid "Most disliked thing by Allah".
If its the second case then may be problems in your marriage were from Allah to guide
you to the right path. As I mentioned earlier that problems in our lives are due to our
own wrongdoings. As Allah says:
"And We wronged them not, but they have been the wrong-doers themselves." [43:76]
If it indeed is the second case than I think Allah has helped you and brought you to the right path.
Now as far as your husband goes, you mentioned he does not practice islam and he is ill and hospitalized.
May be his illness will make him or has made him realize what wrongs he has been doing with. You mentioned yourself that he has not accused you in five months (Alhamdulillah).
You said that your husband used to physically abuse you. I can only say that its sign of a weak man. I assume apart from not accusing you for five month he has not physically abused you. But you said that your husband still gets angry on small things and you are afraid of it.
In this regard I'll request you to consider this Hadith:
Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah(s.a.w) said, "The strong man is not the one who throws people in wrestling. The strong man is the one who has control of himself when he is angry." [Agreed upon]
Sister I can only say that probably your husband has moved from being a weak man to a better man, by not abusing you but he might still need be strong enough to control his anger, but definitely he has become strong enough to not act on his anger and abuse you as he used to do before.
Now getting into more direct mode.Sister there are always two sides to everything, we have heard from you and tried to advise based on one sided knowledge we don't know what is your husband's side.
Also I think normally, in Wife being UK/US citizen and husband being non-UK/US citizen situation. Wife has the upper hand in marriage as you know what your rights are and you have whole system at your disposal, so you can dispose off your husband whenever you want.
But I think the whole point of marriage in islam is that the man is suppose to be the imam.[Men must know this and must lead their family]. But when wife US/UK Citizen and husband is not, mostly roles are reversed. I think in such situation its duty of wife to make his husband feel like an imam and put responsibilities on him, instead of keeping him six feet away.
My humble question is: Have you tried making your husband feel like an imam? Just a thought.
Sister, these are my few thoughts, please forgive me if I was out of line or said something that hurt you. But
I do pray that may Allah guide us all and save us all from his most disliked act.
regards
Salaams,
That is a good argument you have put forward. I had advised the sister to exhaust all possibilities prior to opting for divorce. Your opinion shouldn't be too late as the divorce process is not instant.
Reconcilliation should initially be sought, governed by neutral and learned parties to assess objectively and fairly whether the marriage should continue or not.
It can be difficult to view things when overcome with emotion and we live in times where we give up all too easily. Just as divorce had become widespread in Western or Christian culture, this same epidemic is now prevalent in todays Muslim communities.
Regards,
Hopeful
Walaikum Assalam brother/sister concerned,
JazakAllah for your thoughts….You have given some valuable advice which I highly appreciate and I would inshaAllah take them into consideration and no your not late as I still have not divorced my husband.
I would also like to clear some things…sis/bro your right divorce is disliked by Allah(SWT)…and It is not permissible for woman to seek divorce from her husband unless she has borne ill-treatment from him or unless she has an acceptable reason which requires their separation. Said the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), “If any woman asks her husband for a divorce without some strong reason, the fragrance of the Garden will be forbidden to her.” (Reported by Abu Dawud)”…
Believe me sis/bro I do not wish to be one of the ignorant…and disliked by Allah(SWT)…. I asked for a divorce cuz of my husbands ill treatment towards me(and my family) on numerous occassions….and I had given him many chances and had been patient but it got to the point where I was going mental!So, the word “divorce”came out of my mouth. In my question you will see that I even spoke to his mother about his behaviour..they were aware of his rude behaviour.
But, your right there are two side of the story…..I am not perfect and have made mistakes….but I have never abused him….(God knows what would have happened if I had abused him….)but,yes he has not physically abused me after he promised(we have not seen each other for some time!so please take that into consideration aswell!)…and yes dear bro/sis I too wish that(InshaAllah) he has changed…he is not a bad person but the environment that he was brought up in…. lets put it this way I would never consider that environment for my children…..!Plus,He says that he preferred me when I was not a practising muslimah….he says he agrees with what I say but doesn’t like me saying it(things about Islam that is)..so this some times leads to an argument…Sister/brother me being a British Citizen and knowing my rights didn’t stop him from abusing me…the day he first hit me I could have called the police but I didn’t…I never had the upper hand….because my parents always took his side….regardless of whether he was right or wrong as he had no family members here….and plus my parents were hoping that he will change….
And brother/sister yes I have in the past tried putting responsbilities on him….but…he always ran away!So, I don’t expect anything from him now apart from respect…!
Salaams Sister 2250sb,
I too experienced that dislike of me saying Islamic things by my pakistani born (now estranged) husband. This is due to their lack of proper Islamic education and lack of respect for women, thus no regard for their opinion. They may feel lesser on account of the wifes greater understanding of Islam. However, their pride pushes them further away, rather than them studying for themselves.
However, change may always be possible. In the meantime concentrate on your worship of Allah and on your wordly affairs that serve to do you good.
Whatever happens, Insha'Allah you receive what is best for you.
Take care,
Hopeful
JazakAllah Khair for your kind words and advice sis hopeful...
you take care too!
I agree to Sister Hopeful's point that wife having more knowledge can lead to husband's jealousy or vice versa.
But I'll like to point that husband and wife are suppose to be friends and are suppose to help each other when one of them starts falling behind in their islamic faith and duties. If husband is falling behind (may be due to his job or some other reason) than wife should point it out and help him instead of leaving him . Similarly, husbands should consider that their wives have duties and they may fall behind, so he should pick her up(kindly and like a friend) and start running again, instead of leaving her for another one.
regards
May Allah forgive me for my comments as I have no patience to talk in detail
BUt a lot of women are XXXXX's ..... inluding me anyway
because before marrying our husbands we see ALL the signs of abuse and yet still go ahead. I am in a deeply unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Now I am married to him and see him for who he really is, I realise ALL the signs were there from the start. I simply wasnt mature and sensible enough.
I also wasnt strong enough to break the relationship. sometimes a early divorce saves you a lot of heartache. the longer you stay in there, the harder it is for you to leave especially where there are cultural influences.
But again as marriage experts always say.. when you leave a marriage, there are some lessons you need to learn e.g. what your contributions were to the problems. If you dont learn these lessons, you'll probably marry another person with similar traits and repeat the same cycle again.
My dear USE YOUR HEAD!
May Allah guide us all.
Throw his sorry a** out. You are not his property and you should NEVER put up with abuse.
If you 'forgive' him you will end up dead at some point. Abuse is all about control.
Salaams 2250sb
I know someone who also had an arranged marriage almost 4 years ago and got married in Pakistan both couple were from UK. The girl is still beautiful and innocent and masallah had and still got a good clean heart. Her parents are very traditional and arranged this marriage by trust but at the same time she always thought about her parents and never herself until that day her life got played by her own family. The marriage was never consummated within 1 month of being in Pakistan she never told anyone not even her own parents or siblings because she thought it was all her fault but waiting by patience for Allah in time things will get better as this rishta was family related and for her parents izaat this meant a lot to make it work.
After coming back to the UK living with her husband and mother in law things started going wrong. The girl never ever told anyone has she was embarrassed of the situation that the marriage is a failer and not once consummated. The husband told lies about her whilst she went work, god knows what else and the mother in law with him planned a plan to get her out and put shame on her parents including getting rid of her once and for all. One of the rumours have been said is the girl asked the boy to call him on the wedding night brother tawbha tawbha astagfulliah she never did bearing in mind the marriage was never ever a success the guy and mother in law told one lie after another lie. It was only 2 weeks after coming back from Pakistan that girls family took her whilst an argument happen for no apparent reason with the girl and mother in law and then within a week the girls parents asked for divorce and the girl then realised this was best. If no one like that showed love or respect and play on your izsaat then it is best to leave them then keep lying to yourself it will get better because it doesn’t. Obviously the girl now lives as divorcee and realised bad apples only show after and doesn’t want other sisters to suffer the way she did because even to today this was no fault of hers. But the world never see it like this it is always the girls that get played and men still marry again even after being a divorcee. Where is the justice for our sisters out of no fault of there is to be treated like this as piece of meat I still don’t get it.
By standing by my dear friend and I have known her since nursery I honestly tell you from her experience is leave this man because the longer you leave it the harder it will be for you. Why you want to keep living a lie you deserve respect and treated in izaat and kadar. I am sorry to say your husband will never love you or know the meanings of love men like that don’t deserve a kind hearted woman like you. Don’t put up with this abuse any longer. Men like this want in your head to think it was YOU at fault when actually it is them being insecure all the long. Sister think f yourself and I pray for you that you find this advise helpful and courage to get out while you can w/salaams.
Assalamalaykum,
dearest brothers and sisiters,
my wife left me on Monday, after we had a heated arguement over living with my parents, she run off with the kids, the police know where she is i spoke to a mufti who advised me she will come back she has not taken money nor clothes, but from what the molvi can see the woman she is with is brainwashing her as she is a divorced woman and is telling not to come back from what i gathered. we dont know where she is she hasnt spoken to her mum in india and told her the police know where she is but i cant get in touch, i miss her so much and the kids, i realised my mistake i just want her back, i will do anything ofr her happiness i have been praying constatntly and crying, i cant think straight i need help. please allah guide me .
Dear Brother AQF,
I am very sorry that are you going through this troublesome time. Alhumdulillah if you have realised any errors you have made. I make sincere dua that Allah(swt) brings your wife and children back to you and that you both manage to resolve any issues that you had and live a successful married and family life together inshaAllah, aameen.
If you wish for advice, please log in and submit your question as a separate post adding some details of the issues that lead to your wife leaving. If you do this, we may be able to advise you on how to deal with these specific issues inshaAllah.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamalikum, Dear brothers and sisters,
(TFH, I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
Salam alaykom
Here's some practical advice. Don't have a baby with him. Abuse gets worse when children are involved. From what you present he seems like a really bad spouse. The answer is obvious. If you had a female friend in the same situation what would you tell her? Stay and endure the abuse? Or have enough respect for yourself to realize you derserve better. May Allah set right all your affairs and bless you and make your decision easy ameen.