Son unable to approach Mother about Marriage with Non-Muslim Friend
Salam,
I am a Pakistani Muslim who is living in the United States. I met a Christian girl from Colombia whom I've become friends with (we are not dating) In the last year, we have become very close and my mother has no problem with us being friends, because I have explained to my friend about my religion and its restrictions. We have gotten to the point where we think about our futures and careers and we have also talked about our cultural and religious differences (Christianity vs. Islam, Pakistan vs. Colombia) her family accepts my religion and culture.
I love my mother very much. She raised me and loved me my whole life and devoted her life to making sure that I do not feel upset about not having a father (who abandoned us and got re-married when I was very little). However, because of what happened with my father, my mother is very unstable. She used to be depressed all the time, and would often hit things and inflict harm on herself. Things are getting better now though.
The problem is, whenever I even bring up the issue of marriage my mother firmly states that I may marry whoever I wish, but she has to be a Pakistani, and a Muslim. My friend whom I would like to request to marry is Colombian and a Christian. On top of all this my mother has repeatedly told me that if I ever went against her wishes, and married a Non-Muslim, or Non-Pakistani girl, that she would kill herself because I am all that she has left. I love my mother dearly and would give anything for her, but it just hurts that she would put me in this type of situation.
My friend and I are very close and we openly talk about anything. her father passed away because of Cancer a few months ago, and I helped to console her and her family, and cared for them while they were grieving, thus bringing all of us closer. We care very much for each other and we know that we can always rely on the other. Our bond is so strong in fact that (jokingly) her uncle would occasionally say that we would be an amazing match for each other in the future. After a while, she and I were inclined to agree with him.
The only problem is approaching my mother about it because I know that if I ever brought it up, she would become very upset and possibly harm herself. My friend's family is very religious, and if i am not wrong Christians are "People of the Book" therefore allowing Muslim men to marry Christian women. I need advice on how to approach my mother about this issue and how to explain my feelings to her without her becoming upset.
Please offer me your advice.
- Tauqirk
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My Dear Brother,
asalamalaikum,
you seem to be a very good person who obviously understands her mothers situation and feelings and also know how to contain your own feelings.
it is not an uncommon situation specially for people coming from south asian background.i will tell you a little story and then its upto you what inference you want to draw from it. iam from the same background as yours so can understand your mothers perspective to an extent.
my father was there but not really there for us, and my mother has invested her whole life in us. my brother is in america and he met a girl who was a muslim(a practisiing one) ,bron in US but of indian origin. i trust my brother and sport him in his choices and decisions. and my mother has been a very open minded person as well ,still when he introduced this girl to us we had this extreme antagonist feeling towards her and a feeling that my brother is being snached from us and been made a fool by this girl. (this is a very common feeling families have)
the reason for this was that my brother for a long time told that he is not serious with this girl ( which i hated because if you are not serious than why are you giving this girl hopes but i knew he was seriuos. i think he was just hesitant admitting that he likes her and would like family to take proper initiatives but never took the family ion confence) .
he than on his own decided to meet this girls family , which we all felt was very insulting for us as it protrait that we dont exsist and that he doesnt have a family that cares about him.it also portrait that he is just on his own there with no control or check from family and also that important matters like marriage have no say of the family in it. we all wanted him to be happy and be part of this whole process and give advise and our opinion in it. after all we love him and dont want him to be hurt or ruined in any way. My brothet trust me a bad marriage CAN ruin ones life and who would know better than yourself. we have seen many marriages in our family where boys have married girls from not similar culture and background and religion and they have failed very miserably (that doesnt mean all end like this) so we were all very worried and scared that the same will happen to our brother as well. and that the girls family is thinking that the this boy has a family who obviously is not in the picture and he is on his own and that they can have authority on him. any how eventually my brother talked to me mother and took her inconfidence that he will not choose a girl if he thought that she would be disrepectful towards her and he will not go ahead if she thinks its inappropriate proposal. he wants her blessing and would like her to come to america. iam not doubting his good intensions but to be honest i think it was only when the girl's family put some pressure on my brother that they want to see someone from the family for proper proposal. any way me and mom decided we will go and see the family and finalise things for him .all we wanted was for him to be happy but being left out of the whole process was very disappointing for us and we felt we are just being used as dummies. for if he could go ahead with marriage without us he would have but the girls family was not willing for it ( thisis only our perception and feeling it might not be the truth). any way meanwhile my mum was waiting for her visa the girls family was seeing more proposals for her and they decided to marry her off to someone else. iasked my brother to explain to this girl to wait till my mom gets there but this girl said she cant and will not say anything to her dad( i dont think this girl living in america who had the liberty to meet boys and bring them home for dinner as a candidate and then not able to talk to her dad to wait till my mum arrives there! i think she had more proposals and she just decided to give in to a more better proposal.).
my mom reached there by next month but this matter had closed by then.
any way the whole point in teeling you this long story in a bit of detail is ,so that you understand that its important to cater your moms emotional needs, that she is not being secondary in this decision making but that you are asking her permission rather than telling your decision to her. give her time there is a lot to chew for her in this. its a girl from a different background, culture , race ( iam not racist but u know what i mean) and ofcourse religion.there will be many issues in it, the major one will be how will you raise your kids as muslims or christains? most kids take up the religion of their mother.
my dear brother think about it outside the box of just liking her. give it more time. talk to your mum frankly. discuss her fears as well and give her confidence that you want her yes first before you get yes from girl. dont just rule out your mums fears as insecurity complex. she may be right as has seen and gone through a lot.
wish you all the best.
Salaams,
There are two issues here- your mother and her objections- are these objections valid? Also the fact that the woman in question is not Muslim.
From your mothers perspective, she has devoted her whole life to you, she's been a mother and a father to you but probably sees your choice as a kick in the teeth. However, it is not correct for her to inflict harm upon herself and unfair to say she will kill herself, as this is haraam. I can understand your mother's wish for your wife to be pakistani as otherwise, she may feel alienated from you and feel she will not be able to bond with your wife. However it is more important to consider your wifes faith.
Think about this from your mothers viewpoint. She may feel her efforts have been in vain in that you are making such a choice. She must be in agony on where did she go wrong. Or worry what people will think of her, that without a husband, her son has deviated from the traditional path she had mapped out for you. Yes, you have to live your own life, but it would be far better to get your mother's blessings. Perhaps she shouldn't have tolerated your friendship.
At the end of the day, it is not possible for man and woman to be friends only and as Muslims we should be aware of these things. Is this woman worth breaking your mother's heart over? As far as your mother is concerned, this woman is taking you away from your faith, your culteral heritage and your own mother.
On the other side, you have nicely presented a case wher the woman's family respect your faith and are religious. In that case, there may well be conflicts of opinion. How would your children be raised? Yes Muslim men are allowed to marry chaste women of Jewish or Christian but you need to have common ground. As Muslims, our faith is our way of life and despite this allowance it is better to marry a Muslim.
Your close companionship has caused to develop 'love' for this woman. But love is only a part of marriage. Western idealogy of love has lead many Muslims to create many hardships for themselves and commit many wrongdoings. There are other factors to take into account. You only really get to know a person when you live with them and share a life. In my opinion, love should only develop and grow once married. For that is a truer love than a love developed over a friendship.
I think you have to back away from this woman and review everything properly. You are being misguided by love. Think how you have accrued this love, through improper ways of a friendship no matter how innocent.
Regards
Hopeful
Please don't hurt ur mom, as u said she devoted her life for u, least u can do is abide by her. She's not asking for much, she only wants a Pakistani girl, there are thousands of those!!! Lets say u marry tis grl, would she take care of ur mum if she gets sick?! Would tis Columbian grl understand the fact she will b marrying ur family and just not u. Believe me u will fnd other grls, but u won't b able to a new mom.
If u really can't move on, tell ur mom tat u starting to have feelings for this Columbian grl, and see wat she says. If she gets upset, I say u leave the grl. Or if u thnk the grl is important leave ur mom then. Hopefully u make the right choice. Inshallah.
i disagree with the mom's attitude like do this or i will do this! not good. she does have history of some psychological issues and i understand that she has been through a lot. and desi parents are known for threats like this, send me money or........ it is not garaunteed (yea my spelling, years been outta school!) that a pakistani girl will take care of her mother in law. and it is not garaunteed that a non-paki will not. a paki girl can come in already disrespecting her in laws and trying to create a seperation between her husband and them. and a non paki girl can come in with true love for her husband and therefore love for her in-laws naturally as an extension of the love for her husband. but these are ideals. tell me how many times do our mothers in law allow for even a decent and caring daughter in law to remain that way? i do agree that you are young and when we are young, like i once was (younger), our hormones and the way we think can make us feel like we are in love especially because we are single, we have certain ideals of love or are unconciously looking for a partner. i never had boyfreinds or male freinds before marriage, but i remember fantasizing about boys in my class even sometimes thinking i'm in love and might marry a specific one some day. i can imagine if i was freinds with a guy how this feeling and thinking would have been more realistic. infact, one of my brother's freind used to play with us often, and boy was i crazy about him! now i can imagine what would have happened if i had become a close freind to him. i am not belittling your feelings for this girl, but what i'm saying is you are young and why is this happening. i would ask your mom why is she specifying a pakistani girl. some people seek help from other elders in the family when a parent disagrees on the marriage matters. but there is a lot to think about like what religion are your kids going to follow?, what if she divorces you-what will happen to the kids? i know people think we will never be divorced, our love is strong, but it happens everyday. so you do have to think about all that.
We have agreed to raise our children as Muslims, and hopefully it will never come to a divorce, but my mother's marriage was an arranged one with a Pakistani born man, and it ended as a divorce, so i do not see why the thought of divorcing should hold us back since it is a possibility in any marriage.
I would never dream of hurting my mother. She has done so much for me. All my life i have tried my very best to make her proud. She asked me to finish the Qur'an before I was 10....instead I memorized the Qur'an by the age of 8. She asked me to get good grades, I have already finished two semesters worth of college classes while I am still in high-school. I have an internship to johns Hopkins Medical center and am working at the top of my class. I love my mother with every fiber of my being, and i know that i might be asking too much, but this is something that would truly make me happy. If there is no solution, I will leave the girl if it means that my mother will remain alive and happy. I will marry a girl who she chooses. And i will be content in the fact that my mother is happy....but i can't promise that I, personally, will be happy.
I have talked to her and she fully understands her responsibilities. She is an extremely caring person and would take care of anyone if asked to. Also, I would never dream of hurting my mother. She has done so much for me. All my life i have tried my very best to make her proud. She asked me to finish the Qur'an before I was 10....instead I memorized the Qur'an by the age of 8. She asked me to get good grades, I have already finished two semesters worth of college classes while I am still in high-school. I have an internship to johns Hopkins Medical center and am working at the top of my class. I love my mother with every fiber of my being, and i know that i might be asking too much, but this is something that would truly make me happy. If there is no solution, I will leave the girl if it means that my mother will remain alive and happy. I will marry a girl who she chooses. And i will be content in the fact that my mother is happy....but i can't promise that I, personally, will be happy.
With wat the mom has been thru, she is not wrng for him to marry a paki grl. True that u never know how the person might become since they get married, for EVERYONE chances after marriage. Some for good and most for bad. I did advice him to, tell his mom tat he startinggg to have feelings for tis grl. Don't tell her ur in love with her, and see where she goes from there. Plus Columbians culture is different from us, partying, goin out, dancing, Kissing other males on cheeks when they meet, etc. ur okay with tat?! At the end of the day,the decision will b his.
The part of Colombia that she comes from is very strictly religious, and they don't follow the traditional stereotypes of most Latins. She doesn't party, and only dances in private as a form of exercise.
Although marrying a Christian or a Jewish girl is technically permissible in Islam, it is however strongly encouraged to marry righteous Mulslim females with a view to properly passing on and preserving the deen of Allah among your off springs. For Muslims, marriage is an act of worship; thus we should try to benefit from it both in this world and the hereafter.
I am from the Indian sub-continent and I know this culture. Paternalism is a part of it. In your case, your mom let your know beforehand about the type of girl should like to have as her daughter in law. Before committing a relationship with the Colombian girl, you should have remembered your mom's advice. Now if for some reasons the marriage between you and that girl does not take place, you will go through pain. If you marry her, your mom with go through that process. Either you or your mom will have to bear the burden. It could have been avoided if you have looked before you leaped.
Also as per the teachings of Islam, there could be no friendship between an unmarried boy and an unmarried girl. I had m-a-n-y debates about this issue-both in real life and in virtual internet life. After a lot of soul searching, I have arrived a conclusion. The conclusion is a question that I throw to people who thinks it is possible for simply a friendship to exist between an unmarried girl and an unmarried boy. The question is: Who are you trying to fool? I am well aware of the fact that male-female interaction policies of Islam can be interpreted in many ways. Some says normal interaction without any bad thought or bad glance combined good intention and just cause are possible. That is surely possible, and I have full respect for them, because in our deen, every individual is responsible and accountable to Allah mainly for his or her own self only. Personally however I am too afraid that I may become a hypocrite by such friendship and interaction. I am too afraid to play hide and seek with my own soul. I am afraid because I have done that many times. I played hide and seek with my own self only to appear innocent and perfect outside while secretly this hide and seek game comforted my nafs (desire). This comfort has many level and the first level is the just the mere presence of a girl beside you that gives you an unlawful pleasure. This game did not help me, it just filled my heart with pure hypocrisy. At the end I only fooled myself, I did not fool Allah, the Lord of the heavens and earth and everything in between.
You have sought advice and we have given it you. At the end of the day, the matter rests with you. It is the question of who wants to go through the painful process-you or your mom. I am pretty sure your mom will never be convinced of this girl (and I do not have anything against your gf, the rejection will come from your mom for cultural and religious reason). So decide your self.
My mother did not state the requirement for her being Pakistani until well after i proposed the idea of marriage to her. I love my mother from the bottom of my heart, and i truly would do anything to make her happy, even if it means letting the girl go. And i am not going to lie and say that i've never had any physical attraction towards this girl, but whenever we are together, i request her brother or father to sit with us so that we are never alone.
Tauqirk,
First after reading what you said I wondered what is your father? A pakistani Muslim or something different? She seems adament about her wishes. When she said this: "my mother has repeatedly told me that if I ever went against her wishes, and married a Non-Muslim, or Non-Pakistani girl, that she would kill herself because I am all that she has left." I think she is afraid of losing you. She feels you are all she has. Where does she live? Is she with you? You need to address this issue before bringing it to your mother. Can your mother live with the two of you? If she is in Pakistan can you both move there to live with her? She feels threatened and lonesome. That is one of her issues. Ask her why she feels this way.
First find out what is behind it. You have a right to live your own life. Yes you should also respect and love your mother. Second tell your mother you have been thinking about marriage to someone. She will then ask who and if she is Muslim and Pakistani. Tell her she(mother) is most important in your life. Address the problems she has with non-Muslim and non Pakistani. Ask her to be openminded and if she will meet the girl. Remind her that you are not married yet. You just want her to meet the woman you have picked. Make sure she knows how serious you are about the whole situation. If she guilts you(which most mothers do) ask her if she expects you to marry a woman you don't want to to please her. Men will think this is mean and wrong. It is not to guilt her back. It will make her finally see your view point. Sometimes you have to do this to women just for a new perspective. I know I am a woman! lol There is a great possibility that she will be very angry or hurt or both. Like I said remind her again you are not married yet. This lets her know you have not gone against her wishes yet.
The point is not to go against her wishes but for her to see a new view. Change her wishes. It is possible. Change her wishes from against something to making you happy. Do this step-by-step. Little-by-little. A mother might want her own wishes but a good mother wants her children happy. Your mother sounds like a good mother. She is just afraid. Take the time to find out why. Go from there. Have your mother meet her then her family. Do everything to make her feel included in everything and most important.
She might freak out and yell or just tell you you are killing her or any amount of horrid things. You must expect this. Remind her you love her more then anyone in the world. That you are not married yet. If or should I say when she throws the I'm going to kill myself words at you tell her she can not do this. For you will die without her. She is your life. Then when she says then you can not marry her. You tell her that is not fair to you. Make no promises to her. If she asks you to, then tell her you do not want to lie to her. You can promise her to meet the girl. You can promise her to take as much time as needed. You can promise her that any questions or concerns she has will be answered. Ask her what they are so you can address any issues she has.
Let her know that the woman you love wants to be her daughter. Make sure this is true first. So she will have more family to love her. A woman who loves you will love your mother by extention. Talk to the woman and make sure she understands how hard this would be for your mother and ask her if she will be a good daughter to your mother. Give your mother more family, a new daughter, a new grandchild. Tell her all these things. It is what she wants and needs in life.
Tell her how afraid and heartbroken you have been about telling her about this woman you love. Be HONEST.
In the end it is up to you to decide how to approach your mother with this. I understand how heartbreaking this is making you feel. Torn between the love you have for your mother and the love you have for a woman. If you chose to let the girl go only to please your mother will you end up resenting your mother for it? I know the other people think oh just let the girl go. It is not that easy is it? If what your mother was asking was fair you could understand it. But is she being fair to you or selfish herself? I wish you so much good luck. I hope you find the right way for you. I hope this helps you.
My father is a Pakistani born muslim who married my mother through an arranged marriage. From what i heard he was a very religious man, though after everything that i've heard about him, i'm not sure about how that could be true. And I talked my friend about marriage and explained what was expected of her. WE have already agreed to raise our children as Muslims and since she comes from a Latin culture, she is already familiar with the tradition of the Daughter-in-law taking care of the mother-in-law. She is more than accepting of our traditions and beliefs and I know my mother would love her, if she just looked beyond her race and religion.
I am a Colombian girl and was raised a Catholic who grew up in the United States. I’ve met this guy who is Pakistani Muslim who I am dating now i'm in love with him and my family accepts him and his religion, his family also accepts me and appreciates the fact that I am converting to Islam ( not for him, I planned this way before I met him)
What bothers me is how close minded some people can be. If we love each other and our families work, our religion will be the same how can you dictate the outcome of our life/marriage without knowing how it are to be us. Was it my fault that I was born Colombian? Does this mean that I won't be able to love or care for him and his family any more than a Pakistani girl?
People that are telling you not to do it are basing their argument off all the bed time stories their uneducated, close minded parents used to tell them.
Tell your mother with love that this is what makes you happy and that it’s not like this Colombian girl will push her out of the picture, we Colombian people are very family oriented people and we love and care about our parents as much as your people do in your culture, we love learning about other cultures and we welcome them.
Bring her to your mom and let them meet each other. When your mom sees what a nice person this girl is, she will make a decision based on her, not her fears.
-Johanna and Fahad