Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Teenager struggling with sexual desires

Girl with hidden face, teenage girl

Muslim girl.

Asalamu Aleykum Wa Rahmatullah, whoever decides to answer this question...

I'm a 16-year old sister who has (I'm very embarassed to say this) a very ... a very high sexual drive. And it is something that i noticed about 3 years ago.

Now, I haven't sought any help before just because of the fact that I'm very shy about this matter.

I have recently had dreams about my future marriage and in every single dream my 'husband' remains faceless, and it has kept me thinking a lot about my marriage. I'm not married and in the society I live in (I live in Sweden) it is very rare for a sister as young as I am to get married, and even if it wasn't so rare my parents believe that I'm too young to get married yet (even though my mom was my age when she had her first child).

So please brothers sisters whoever sees this, with knowledge about the matter please tell me, what should I do. What am I supposed to do?

Your confused younger sister,


- Jihadun-nafs

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9 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alikum,

    My dear sister, i must start off with telling you that you are completely and absolutely normal- and that despite the myth that men are more sexually inclined- females have sexual feelings and desires at your age. People may not talk about it, but you are not alone. The fantasies are normal, just part of growing up. I cant tell you how many faceless husbands i have dreamt about in my youth. lol

    So you are young, and cant get married. I am not an expert, but i'v been your age once ( 26 now), i can give you several suggestions.

    1) I would recommend you find out what is causing or triggers these feelings- such as a person, media (tv, movie, music, etc), environment, a person who always talks about their relationship around you, etc. The worst is movies, when you watch 14+ and R rated stuff, there is too much sexuality and stuff in those. Try to avoid them, especially alone, because you know that the shaitan is watching along with you. Notice when you get those feelings, and recognize them as a trigger and try your best to avoid them them the next time.

    2) Keep yourself super busy. i mean like get a hobby, go to sports activities, join some islamic classes on the weekend, dont be alone- go out with your friends, etc. so keep yourself busy with stuff, and trust me, inshallah time and years will pass. Hopefully good stuff. lol

    3) Dua- - that should be the first thing- but always ask Allah for help. When you are praying, the best part to ask Allah for stuff is when you are in sujood (when your face is on the ground), and just say in your own language what you need. That always helps me, just to talk to Allah while you are in your most humble position.

    4) keep yourself busy with remembrance of Allah and learning. Learning doesnt mean you have to study the quraan from one end to another. if you like sceince, you can read about science and the quraan. If you like history, you can read about the stories of the prophets. Etc. Learning is very important, because it keeps your mind occupied on other things, and you get good deeds for doing it.

    5) Also, I know you are shy- but i have to say this- avoid masturbation! I am pretty sure you know its not allowed in Islam. But if you do- repent sincerely and move on and avoid the next time. Saying "aathu bilahi min alshaitan alrageem"- i seek refuge with Allah from the devil- to get yourself out of diong something you know you will regret later is good- with anything really.

    6) Be patient with yourself. Realize that this is just a phase. It may not feel like this now. But many years down the line, you will just look back and see that it was a small little struggle, compared to the many challenges we all face in life. Have sabr-ie patience and give your self credit when you handle your desires, and inshallah you will be rewarded for controlling them.

    Hope that helps.


    • Asalam alikum!

      May all bless you sister samira. you have given her a very good suggestions. To keep herself away from the environment which causes her to feel for.......,. And also it will be good if their parents marry her to a good muslim boy.

  2. Assalamu alaykum,

    Alahamdulillah that you had the courage to ask such a difficult and personal question. Inshallah my input will be helpful and consistent with the guidance of our Prophet Muhammad (P).

    The first thing I will say is that you already have the answer. "Jihadul Nafs", as you mentioned in your sign out, is the Greatest Jihaad according to our Messenger (P). If you look up the root of the Arabic word Jihaad: "Jahada" refers not to violence but to constant and strenuous effort exerted in the cause of xyz.... So while the cause may vary, the method is the same: Exerting Strenuous Effort... aka: Struggle.

    The point is that it is not something simple, or else everyone would do it. In respect to Jihaad Prophet Muhammad (P) stated when asked, "What is the deed that Allah loves most?"

    He responded: "Prayer at its correct time".
    The questioner asked, "What next?
    He responded: "To honor ones parents."
    The questioner asked, "What next"?
    He responded: "Jihaad in the cause of Allah".

    So as Muslims we must remember that our Salah as the second pillar of our religion is on the level of this Jihaad. The first question you should reflect on is whether your prayer is in order. Meaning being made on time, regularly, if at all?

    The Salah gives us the spiritual strength we need to keep ourselves away from great sins. It strengthens our Taqwa, Imaan, and provides mental cleanliness which makes restraining from sinful deeds easier.

    As the Qur'aan states in the English translation: " Prayer restrains from shameful AND unjust deeds" 29:45
    Therefore my first point to you is to make sure that you are making your Salah as this is part of the Jihaad itself.

    Point Two, Fasting. When the Prophet (P9) was asked a similar question, by a man, he advised the man to marry, when the man stated that he did not have the money, the Prophet (P) advised him to FAST. As by staying away from Halaal things, it is much easier to avoid the Haraam (forbidden). To some this is difficult, however the long term impact of Haraam behaviour, particularly regarding the greatest of sins such as Zeena (fornication) are far more difficult to bear, not to mention landing in Hellfire and demeaning our honor and Islaamic Character. So Fasting will aid in the actual physical surpression of the urge itself, as this is the exact purpose of fasting. (Holy Qur'aan 2:185)

    Point Three, don't do it alone. You as a young person need the advice and guidance of your parents, and other INFORMED Sisters, and teachers of Islaam in your area, who understand what your going through, or may be able to advise you and your family correctly. Many times we suffer silently rather than reaching out to those around us who can actually help. Don't suffer silently.

    Certainly for physically healthy/normal people your feelings are quite natural. Some of us Muslims act as if abstinence is easy, but the reality is that Allaah intended for men and women to be married once they are of marriageable age. Historically in Islaamic society woman married once they reached sexual maturity (ie puberty). (ref. Hadeeths regarding Ayeeshah and her marriage to the Prophet).

    Times, cultures, politics and governments have changed to the point where now parents attempt to shelter their children well into adulthood. This has developed from various Western cultural interpolations which place arbitrary age limits on marriage, and vary from place to place, state to state, family to family etc.

    The Qur'aan and Sunnah however remain static and unchangeable, thus from the Islaamic point of view while you must respect the wishes of your parents to the degree that they do not conflict with you worship, If you are Islaamicly of an age to be married, and you seek to be married, they should respect this as to insist that you remain unmarried while you are Islaamicly marriageable is in itself unIslaamic, however well intended.

    And certainly you must consider their position as well, today most young people are not mentally prepared for the responsibilities of marriage, and probably this is their point, and well founded. Young men today (particular in secular societies) are all about xbox, ipod, facebook, music, friends, dating....etc. etc, you get the point. They probably want you to reach a level of independence and maturity before taking on such a huge responsibility. You should be thankful and respectful of this attitude.

    Being a parent myself one can certainly understand their concerns about not just your judgement (as a young person) but any potential husband. So this is a sticky issue and one that families sometimes manage well, other times not so well. It takes patience on both sides, compromise on both sides, and a willingness to make an Islaamic based decision, not an "instictive", reactionary or knee jerk decision. If you are seeking to do it Islaamicly, ie. according to Quraan and Sunnah.

    My last point is regarding the company you keep. Look, your friends will take you straight to the hellfire sometimes. Simply because their lives, and morals (if any) are different. This includes Muslim and non-Muslim. If your around friends that have boyfriends, are dating, drinking, partying, etc. Your making you situation ten times worse. Its like taking a starving man to KFC or Mc Donalds and not letting him eat. A person shares the morals of the company they keep so if your friends are doing the exact thing your trying not to do this in itself is counterproductive, and is just setting you up for a fall. Check the company you keep, and what your doing outside the house.

    Always remember that anybody can be worldly... thats easy, and you have all your life to be worldly if you choose to, as corruption will always be present. Its the precious few that can refrain from what Allah has made forbidden, and by doing so receive the benefit of a life clean, pure, prosperous and blessed.

    I pray that some of what I said may be helpful, if so it was from Allaah, and if anything I wrote was wrong or incorrect, that was from myself. May Allah ease your struggle and make your path easy,

    With Respect and Understanding
    Assalaamu alaykum,

    Amir al-Katib

    • Excellent response. Jazak Allahu Khair.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Asalam Alaikum ,

      Thanks for u Advice, Even i hav stuck in the same Situation, i have time gap for marriage, because i have to complete my Studies. So can you just add some more points that i should abstain from, & things that i hav to do to get myself away from these desires.

  3. Salam,

    The above responses have given some excellent advice to which I'm grateful for as I'm currently undergoing the same problem, although am much older than the girl in the original message - I'm 21. Usually these forums how guys having this problem, and I'm kind of relieved that other girls also have it too. I've followed the advice of the previous messages, like avoiding movies, having friends which are good Muslims etc but sometimes these feeling just occur randomly and they don't go away for ages! (When I mean ages, I mean for weeks intermittently) Even recently, Im studying for my exams and could not be more preoccupied but it just arrives! I dont do anything about them but these feelings are very distracting. Because of this, I'm currently looking for a husband as well, but it's very difficult finding someone who follows his faith well and is educated ( I'm currently studying dentistry at university myself). I don't know any males in my year at university that even pray salah!! And I don't speak to anyone in other years/doing other courses etc. it's also difficult for my family to try and help me because my mum doesn't know anyone and I don't have a father to help me in this situation. Any advice (and aid in finding someone) would be greatly appreciated because its becoming increasingly difficult and more frustrating when these feelings occur. Jazakallah khairun

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    [Editor's note: Leena, this is an Islamic website. As such, all advice needs to be given with Islamic values in mind. Please do not suggest that people carry out sins such as zina - these are grave sins.]

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