Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am a married Muslim girl but my husband doesn’t want me.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am 18 years old and am married only Islamically. I have a son who is 9 months old. My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want me and his family have made it clear as well. Him and his family have not been in contact for 4 months and a few days ago my husband emailed me (as he stopped calling me and talking to me completely) saying he loves me and he wants to be with me, not as husband but as boyfriend.

I am confused as to if I am still married or not?

He has done this before, he left me for a month during last ramadan when I was 5 months pregnant! I am not saying I am a perfect Muslim; I have made mistakes but please can someone help me, I am so depressed and feel suicidal! I hate feeling like this. And please bear in mind that I am only 18.

- t


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11 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister t. I will be blunt. You deserve so much better than this. It doesnt matter if you are a perfect Muslim or not. Everyone has faults, and no one deserves to be treated like this.

    Him and his family have not been in contact for 4 months

    My husband emailed me (as he stopped calling me and talking to me completely) saying he loves me and he wants to be with me, not as husband but as boyfriend

    He has done this before, he left me for a month during last ramadan when I was 5 months pregnant!

    The things you've said do not reflect well on this mans character. I advise you to try to contact him if you can and ask him if he is willing to accept you as a wife, honestly and make things work between you two. If he is not able to commit to you, as a husband not a boyfriend then the best thing to do is leave him. He is not worth your time, and you are entitled to apply for khula if he is refusing to give you your basic rights.

    Please don't feel suicidal. It doesnt solve your problems dear sister, only makes them worse. No hardship in this life is like the hardship of Jahannam, which is where suicide leads you to. Plus your son needs you, and he needs your stability. His treatment towards you is almost certainly his own problem and not yours. Normally I would ask why he left you but the last 2 comments say more about his character than anything else. Whatever his reasons are, dont waste anymore of your time.

    Learn to accept and love yourself. Realise that his actions are not a reflection on you. You are a beautiful Muslimah. Leave this man and throw yourself into being the best slave of Allah you can be and the best mother you can be. Do your obligatory salat if you don't already. Spend time in remembrance of Allah and read Qur'an and reflect.

    Brother Wael has a site full of beautiful, inspiring reminders. Please have a look around the site:

    Sara Editor

  2. My sister you are only 18., you have enough time to move on and find a man that will love, care, and respect you... You dont have to keep on leaving with a man who makes it clear that he doesnt love you., you have full right to leave happilly and loved like other sisters... My best advice to you is to divorce this man and ask Allah to choose a good and lovely husband for you... You have notting to be scared about, Allah has given you a beautiful life so u ve d right to be happy and to be cared for by d man who loves you.. Dont be afraid of anything

  3. I have made mistakes .

    Can you tell us a bit more about that . I think there must be a reason and logical explanation for your husband's behaviour . There must be something you haven't told us . It is necessary to know both sides of the story before coming to a conclusion .

    • "Can you tell us a bit more about that [ie, your sins which are only supposed to be between this muslimah and her lord]"

      brother, seriously, what is the matter with you?
      do you not know that disclosing of sins no matter how big or small is a great sin, which levels the person to the ground, and a disgrace/humiliation, and anyone who reveales their sins will be LOWER in the eyes of the people?

      you dont need to know anything about her private life.

      • how else would you expect to understand what happened ? It is imperative that she evaluates what went wrong.

        • It doesn't matter what her mistakes are!
          in islam a man has 2 options with his wife, either keep her a wife with all her rights, or divorce her and let her be free. There is nothing in Islam that says he can desert her for months and then ask her to be a girlfriend.
          Unbelievable what some Muslim men justify these days.
          La hawla wala kowata illa bilah

  4. Salaam alaikum,

    Sister you have not provided us with sufficient information in order to atleast try give a just and balanced answer. You have mentioned the wrong actions on behalf of your husband however only said that you yourself has made mistakes; well, what mistakes? They are probably one of the most important reasons why your husband has done what he has so its important to be noted before advising you further.

    I think it is very wrong to jump to conclusions and advise you to break down a marriage based on such little information, that too with a child involved!

    So please be a little more informative inshallah so that neither you nor us will have to be answerable to Allah .

    Was salaam

  5. sister t.

    why dont you ask you husband kindly to log on to here and write his side of the story and what problems he faces with you.

    its not hard atall.

  6. Sister,
    Asalaamu alaikum.

    What you need is advice from a Sheikh or Imam... We here are not entitled to so much information about your private life. We should all be shameful for asking her to divulge more information that is necessary.

    You need insight from a Imam/Sheik who can guide you to the correct path. You should never go to the internet, or ask a stranger's advice about you private life.

    I hope that Allaah subhaana wa ta'ala guide you in your life.

    • Sara has already given the sister an excellent answer. Furthermore, this is not some complicated issue of fiqh that requires a fatwa from a Sheikh.

      Still, I don't think it's a bad idea for the sister to consult with her local Imam. He might be able to intervene and talk some reason into her husband.

      The problem is that in many communities the Imams are not accessible to women and have no experience in mediating family conflicts. Also, some Imams do not respect the confidentiality of people's problems. At least here on this website the questioner can remain anonymous.

      I do agree with "concerned" that it's not necessary for us to have more information about the sister's situation. We don't need to know exactly what mistakes she made. The fact is that no honorable husband would ask to continue a relationship with his wife "as a boyfriend". That's utterly ridiculous. He should either work on settling the problems and repairing his marriage, or divorce the sister honorably.

      Again, I point to sister Sara's answer. I think she has given very good advice.

      Wael Editor

  7. Why is sister's Sara's answer correct ? It is based on incomplete facts. While I agree with the fact that the local Imam will also have nothing to add, the point here is to understand why is the husband and his family acting like this. There are always two sides to a story. We havent even heard of the complete side of this sister's story let alone judge her husband and his family.

    'Honorable' is such big word that is thrown around, I swear it is unbelievable. Ive seen men and women force their spouses into staying in a marriage just because they think it is what 'religion' asks of them. I am not supporting a man who believes he can live like a boyfriend but I am questioning the society and the family that is letting him do this. If this is true , then this not just this sister's problem. it is a collective problem for all of us. And we will be answerable for our indifference.

    The sister is young. She is under pressure. Instead of giving her trigger happy advise clouded by our life experiences, we should atleast listen to her completely before jumping the gun. Without even inviting the detail, we are helping her shoot her marriage in the foot.

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