Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Wife becomes abusive, curses and nags

tree lonely

I'm a 30 year old man and I have been married for over 7 years I have a 6 year old son. I married my wife with some resistance from her family but afterwards it was ok.

I am not a rich person and but was doing a good job when I married we lived we lived in a rented house and was very happy and after my son was born we were invited to move into my wife's house.

After this move she changed and pressed me to buy things and do things beyond my financial ability, partly out of irritation of listening to her nagging everyday and due to the love I also obliged and went into a lot of debt.

For the last couple of years I have been having a lot of financial issues which has reflected very badly on my family life as well. My wife becomes very abusive towards me and she curses me and my family and tells my son that I'm a bad person all the time.

Many time I have thought of divorce but am holding solely because of my son. What should I do please please help me.

I am willing to forgive her for everything but how do I change her ways.

~FMI

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3 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum,

    The first thing to remember and reinforce within yourself is that you are the man of the house and your marriage, and that Islamically you are responsible for the financial spending, well being and outlook of your family. Your wife's insistence of materialistic acquisition is a ploy of the Shaytan and it is something that must be stopped and corrected through realizing the purpose of this life: the worship and pleasure of Allah (swt). Once you understand this, then next few suggestions will fall into place.

    A significant moment must be taken to sit your wife down and explain to her that she knew exactly who she was marrying and it was a man, not a wallet. Sit down with her, hold her hand and ask her a simple question: does she love you? If she says, "yes," then say to her that you will no longer accept her nagging, insults or putting you down to your child as this is not a sign of a noble lady that is supposed to be your wife and the mother of your child. That you are taking back control of your lives together as before, because your were happy then and this pursuit of hers' is destroying your marriage. Explain to her that you are her husband that you is a worthy servant of Allah (swt), you are to be dignified as a husband and shown her love in affectionate ways.

    But how will this be effective? How will you avoid an argument at this point? You will do it by taking the following actions, first.

    You must establish the understanding that the materialistic life is not your goal and will never will be, but only the lawful attainment of what Allah (swt) has prescribed. As credit card debt involves riba, many scholars have warned against this, so if you have any, it's time to drastically limit the spending and start living responsibly, even if it means to cut up the credit cards.

    Do this by implementing the following:

    1. Reassess and organize your financial debt. You may need to involve a financial planner who can help you consolidate your debt into lower monthly payments and lower your interest rates. This will require you to re-examine every dollar being earned and spent to make you financially sound. All superfluous expenditures will be cut out that are unnecessary and have taken any attention away from your family's harmony and most importantly, Allah (swt).

    2. No purchasing of any items that are expensive, require debt or are just signs of keeping up with the Joneses. This is a disease of the Western ideology and it must stop infecting Muslim households, including yours'. This also include but is not limited to: dining out, expensive vacations, buying new tech items for the sake of it, etc.

    3. You must put your wife on a tight budget if she is using your money to spend in any way that is foolish and unsound. This may also require opening up separate bank accounts and managing your own money as you deem fit with the financially counseling you will receive. Islamically, there is nothing wrong with this, as long as it you provide a monthly stipend for household expenses and allow your wife some money, albeit not unchecked.

    4. Stop being a year round spender, as this is disease of the West, as well. This is something that is often emphasized to divorced men when it comes to their kids and they overspend in gifts to their children. Initially men think that constantly spending on their loved ones is a good thing, but more than often, it can breed greed, ungratefulness and undue financial expectations.

    5. Purchase slightly used items or floor models of household furnishings, if necessary. Refrigerators, microwaves, and what not fir into this category. I would also mention vehicles, but you should not be purchasing any cars at this point. Yet, keep this in mind for the future.

    6. If your vehicles are completely owned by you, think about selling them if they are expensive to maintain and insure. See what value you can get for them and think about replacing them with a cheaper vehicle in terms of gas consumption, wear replacement (tires, oil change intervals, etc.) maintenance costs and insurance. You can replace them with nicer, but older cars, as well. An older, but well maintained Acura can offer the same features as an expensive BMW any day, for example. If you have SUVs, it is environmentally responsible to get rid of them, too.

    If you are in debt concerning your vehicles, again, work with a financial planner to lessen this burden or perhaps finding a person who is wiling to take over your payments and assume the debt completely and legals, while providing you with buy-out money for the partial equity you may have in it.

    7. Closely weigh your options of switching your bank loyalty. It could be that small banking fees are milking your accounts slowly, but significantly. Local banks may have lower to no fees for common transactions and would be better if you do not travel much. Watch the Big Banks these day, as they have significant overdraft charges that often will leave you broke while the actual purchase was less. Be studious, cautious and do your research.

    8. Cancel 'extra' cards from retail outlets. These are often a great drain on your income.

    9. With a financial planner or on your own, you must learn to plan not just for the next six months of your life, but the next 10 years and beyond. This may seem so far off now, but if you do, you will take control of your money, instead of your money controlling you.

    10. I encourage you to have a financial planner to deal with your creditors and credit rating agencies, as dealing with them on your own can be difficult, but some people have done it successfully, but it does cause a lot of stress. However, there are plenty of free programs that you can utilize to help you.

    Why all these steps? It's to show your wife that you are back in control as a man and her husband. When you take these steps, she'll have no choice but to accept it and it will reinforce the image that she is subservient to you in these matters and thus, she'll begin to understand that what she encouraged you to do that caused this financial mess was wrong and led your marriage astray.

    It is time that you take control of your life! Let her see and understand that. It is imperative that you stand up for yourself and assert yourself in this way.

    You must begin to align your married life with the tenets of Islam and avoid these worldly traps that have caused so many disasters in marriages across this globe. Do not become another statistic to this financial crisis! Do not let your wife be deluded into it, either!

    So strengthen your understanding of your role as a husband through Islam and that of your wife's role, as well. Fill your house with reminders of God and eliminate anything that distracts from seeking His pleasure and reward in this world and the hereafter. Fill your life with the Qur'an and the Sunnah, and keep away form the plots of the Shaytan.

    If she is unable to see this and continues to insult you and cause problems, it is time to refer to family members and/or an alim that may be able to assist you in these matters of opening her eyes to the reality that is destroying your married life.

    If that fails, a trial separation will be in order. However, you must take all the precautions I have outlined, beforehand or otherwise you will accomplish nothing, as she will see you as desperate and potentially unmanly.

    You Sir, must protect your wife and child from this disease and must strengthen your backbone to do so. Seek the help and refuge of Allah (swt) to battle the envy of the enviers, i.e. the attitudes that destroy married bliss for the temporary pleasure but determined hell of foolish possessions.

  2. she lost respect for you due to your not having any money therefore power this will cause you to be depressed in the future also what sort of woman will put her kids against their father l am telling you from experience just ignore her dont make love to her just carry on ur duty as usual and talk to friends about a new wife and you will see the changes if she realise you are about to leave her as a muslim you are allowed to have onather wife anyway so its not cheating , she will come round and obey you as it should be and and spend more time in the masdjid you ll find peace till late after aicha untill she s sleeps and than she ll find herself alone at night no one to abuse and that will change her .salam

  3. Sahih Muslim:

    Jâbir bin 'Abdullâh narrated: Abû Bakr came and sought permission to see Allâh's Messenger. He found people sitting at his door and none amongst them had been granted permission, but it was granted to Abu Bakr and he went in. Then came 'Umar and he sought permission and it was granted to him, and he found Allah's Apostle sitting sad and silent with his wives around him. He (Hadrat 'Umar) said: I would say something which would make the Prophet [saww] laugh, so he said: Messenger of Allah, I wish you had seen (the treatment meted out to) the daughter of Kharija [ i.e 'Umar's wife] asked me some money, and I got up and slapped her on her neck. Allâh's Messenger laughed and said: They are around me as you see, asking for extra money. Abu Bakr then got up went to 'Aisha and slapped her on the neck, and 'Umar stood up before Hafsa and slapped her saying: You ask Allâh's Messenger which he does not possess. They said: By Allah, we do not ask Allah's Messenger for anything he does not possess….

    Take heed from this hadeeth Akhi.

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