We have three unmarried daughters and it has become embarassing
Salamalaikum, could you please help us, we are three sisters & none are married.... everyone says we are very good... our parents are lucky to have such children but unfortunately none of us are getting married... hardly any proposals coming & now it has started becoming embarassing to the whole family that why any of your daughters are not married? This raises issues that maybe something wrong with the girls.... we are 36, 32 & 29 years old. Please help us with some duas that all three gets married.
My parents have stopped going to get togethers because of this question.
Except for Allah no one can help us & please provide us with some duas.
Jazak Allah Khair.
- Shabeela, Dubai
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Walaikum Assalaam sister Shabeela,
I read your post and beieve me what you are experiencing is very painful. I am going through a similar situation. I have been trying to get married for the last four yeras now but neither do I receive proposals nor does anything materialize. All my family and neighbours have always been telling me and my parents what a nice girl I am. But somehow I haven't been able to get married so far. I am 28. Though I don't know any duas but I stringly believe that the patience you and sisters keep is going to be rewarded immensely inshaAllah. Allah (swt) is just testing us, that's it. there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Marraige is not in our hands, only Allah knows when and with whom it is destined. Just make dua, pray salatul Hajah and ask Allah to grant you patience inshAllah. You will find wonderful spouses soon. Salaams
I am 44 years old sunni muslim my father (Deleted by Editor. Brother, this is not a matrimonial site. Please register on http://www.zawaj.com for spouse searching. May Allah make you successful in your search, aameen - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
i know how you each feel. i'm 32 and umarried. I've tried everything,losing weight, plastic surgery, have a degree and masters, I have prayed and my parents pray for all the time (Thank Allah). I'm adjusting to being lonely, it has been so long. at least you have your sisters. have faith and pray. i pray for Allah to fill my heart with love so that I don't feel unloved or crave love from a man. if you have to fool yourself into thinking the right man will come soon. in the mean time you religion and work to occupy your time; I like to think that i may learn something valuable from religion and working that I can pass on to my children if i ever have any. your parents feeling embarrassed is not your problem but their own! don't burden yourself with perceived problem. all parents are experiencing this these days. would they rather thier daughters marry anyone?
Salaams Layla
I agree but dont change your looks for surgery either just so you look pretty or younger for marriage proposals. Allah gave you natural beauty for a reason never think just becasue you will lose weight, change your looks or status a man will fall for this. I am sorry it doest work in todays world you need to be yourself truefully stop being influced with hollywood, bollywood or lollywood stars that have taken the dignity away from decent natural people who need to be like this and that. This only happen to fake people and look what they ended up with nothing and more troubles then what they started with. I hope i didnt cause offence but Layla inshallah for you marriage will happen dont lose hope your dua will come true keep faith in only allah ameen.
perform salatul Haja and ask Allah(swt) for a good husband Inshallah he gives u have full trust.
i dont know why allah puts such pain on us. I have seen girls who have abortions with a man and get married with another as soon as at the age of 22!!! where as women have to bear pain and be lonely like us. I can never justify it. And there is absolutely nothing embarassing in what bad luck has fallen upon you. Rather it is one of the most painful thing to bear. Dont ever feel embarassed, because u r dealing with a lot of pain and unfortune. Please be kind to yourself.
Dont feel sorry for yourself allah inshallah will grant your dua and fulfill your dream to be married inshallah. Forget people who do wrong only allah judge those. I know what you are saying but you ulhumdiallah are healthy just keep on the path working towards allah and it will happen for you too ameen.
salam ruhijarifa, SubhanaAllaah, how can you question Alaah as to why he put you in that situation and say, "i can never justify it", that just shows a lack of faith and ungratefullness. He has given you soooo much blesings, and when He puts you through a trial, you behave in such a manner, i KNOW IT`S hard, cos am kinda going through the same situation, but come on!! we have to have some faith and get strenght by worshiping ALLAAH in the way He told us to.
waleikum salam, Shabeela, may Allaah ease your problems. i am sorry to hear wht you are going through, i advise you to be patient, amd make dua to Allaah, He will answer it, we just have to be patient. people go through trials in different ways, so Allaah can see who will remain strong upon Islam and who will fallback and be ungratefull. some loose people they love, some loose wealth, some loose health, Allaah tests us in whichever way He wills, we have to be patient. may Allaah make it easy for you,
take care. salam
Salaams Shabeela
I am in the same boat as many sisters still waiting to get married and i also get told i am too beauitfual to be unmarried. My parents are not fussy nor i care about the guys looks, income etc i just want to be married and fulfill my duties expected in islam and duty to my husband to be a good wife and also to be complete for both families. I know excatly how you are feeling as we face this everyday people who are actually married are not even happy and those who are married fight over petty things may allah also help those muslims who take marriage for granted and guide those still waiting with good kismet. Sister please do not believe people when they say you have bad luck this is not the case it is just no one has noticed you yet allah is testing us all still waiting for our sabr, age has nothing to do with it either, there is nothing wrong with any of you sisters ulhumdiallah, allah has written this for all of us a test path of which way we chose our life, it is the time of the generation as years have moved on. People are more open into the culture, society, tv is the biggest influence as well as the magazines so this impact is damaging the image of those who are clean and serious on marriage. Marriage isnt something that just happens people will talk and compare there are some who are happy and made it work and others simply dont happen, people still talk whether marriage is a success or not. You have to take each day as it comes please do not feel embarassyour dua will come, do not lose hope at least by being older you will handle your marriage successfully and appericate the man in your life ulhumduiallah. Put your faith always in allah do not rely on humans, never listen to bad chats or gossips or people with wrong attitudues i dont believe in this at all. Yes it may be embarssing but at least we are healthly, educated and are set on our feet ulhumdiallah. There are far worse people in this world than in our shoes. We must never lose hope only keep praying to allah and inshallah our dua's will be answered ameen.
I know excatly how you are feeling as we face this everyday people who are actually married are not even happy and those who are married fight over petty things
Not true ... What you are saying , only describes the minority . However, there are arguments everywhere . I am sure in your life you had arguments with your teacher , friends , siblings , relatives and parents. So why do you think that marriage will be a different story altogether . You can't be happy or sad all the time .
age has nothing to do with it either,
Sorry to say that but age is one of the important factor .Please don't start to bombard me with hazart khadija's example .
People are more open into the culture, society, tv is the biggest influence as well as the magazines so this impact is damaging the image of those who are clean and serious on marriage
Yes , agreed 100% .
Lastly , I want to add that single muslim women must be proactive in searching for a spouse . Expecting a prince to come at your doorstep will not do the trick but it will only reinforce the fact that you live in world of illusions . Go out and search ,but in a islamic manner.
100% agree with you a muslim man brother and i have not taken offence in what you have written in fact it speaks the truth. BTW brother i have not had arguements or disagreements with people not to the ones you relating to ulhumdiallah. I personally dont have a problem with age hence thats why you replied becasue you do and maybe some others might do too but with marriage itself people take each other for granted i have seen it in my own eyes thats why i think this way becasue greed, materials, money etc is often the issue of the arugement even about the in laws i have seen and think how ungrateful person. I have had clashes with people but no serious arguements only the ones i see in my job which i dont know how to overcome this issue. On a polite note life is too short to even begin hating people and feeling sorry for yourself. I pray both men and women find decent spouse in islamic manner as in an arrange marriage ameen.
BTW most muslims parents are not looking for princess or prince for their children they dont want there children just thrown away just like that especially if they have no family or relative to turn too and in my case this is the problem but allah somehow will help i have faith.
salam samina
I can relate to what u r saying. I feel good to hear from ppl who r going through the same misfortune as me.
and btw dont listen to the crap of this cruel commentator, a muslim man. He is cruel and is only talking crap. Please dont approve that cruel comment here. Trash that crap by ' a muslim man'. may allah bless you with a good husband and may allah give u healthy children. ameen
He is cruel and is only talking crap.
What is cruel in my post ? . I don't think I have said anything offensive .
brother... if say you r facing a bad misfortune and you are really in pain. Say that you r suffering (may allah forbid) your worst nightmare. You have done your best to stop your suffering but your bad luck just doesnt change. Then how would you feel?
To make things worse, I come to open my big mouth ( when I have never faced the sufferings that you r now going through) to give you smart advice, telling you to try harder when you have tried your utmost but have got nothing, then how cruel will my 'advice' feel to you?
That is how it felt reading " I want to add that single muslim women must be proactive in searching for a spouse . Expecting a prince to come at your doorstep will not do the trick but it will only reinforce the fact that you live in world of illusions . Go out and search ,but in a islamic manner."
Here me, samina, and everyone else have waited with patience and prayed to allah for a good husband and a family of our own. We have held sabr for 29, 32, 36 or even more years but marriage or family never happened for us. And now our bad luck has us listening to your cruel comments, "Sorry to say that but age is one of the important factor .Please don't start to bombard me with hazart khadija's example . "
It was very cruel of you brother. What if I was your own blood sister. And you were my brother burdened with the responsibility to get me married off!! And you did everything like sister Shabeela's parents did but nothing happened. You saw me your blood sister cry and weep when I had one of my best friend get married away, who previously sinned with another man. How would that have felt to you?
could you then be so cruel to make such comments?
And for you to understand how much we have tried please brother read this following question asked by one of your unlucky and unmarried sister. May allah make your heart kind for those who are suffering. Ameen
http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/112172/she%20is%20sad%20because%20she%20is%20unmarried
Assalamu alaykum sister ruhijarifa,
A Muslim man only comments. And adds words which mean less in practical application.
I have noted this.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/secret-relationship
In the above post he mentions the ages of the Prophet's (peace be upon him) marriage with Aisha (may Allah be pleased with Umm ul mu'mineen) and in this post he says " Sorry to say that but age is one of the important factor .Please don't start to bombard me with hazart khadija's (may Allah be pleased with Umm ul mu'mineen) example".
He has no surety of words and has double standards is using hadeeth for convenience of prooving a point in each post without consistency of thought, so do not pay attention to his words nor let them hurt your feelings.
Salaam,
Your brother.
May allah bless you brotherrMuniib. May allah grant you the best joys and happiness of this world and may allah bless you with jannatul ferdaous in the hereafter. May allah always bless you brother. ameen
Jazak Allah Khair.
Assalamu alaykum Sister Ruhijarifa,
Ameen to all your du'aas. Jazaakallah for the beautiful du'aas.
Salaam,
Your brother.
@ruhijarifa i nor any sister have had bad luck or misfortune you are using this word and i find this insulting. Please do not use this word as no one has had this or will have bad luck or misfortune inshallah. Stop using this word i do not like it, allah has open doors for us and will continue to do so. Maybe destined to be waiting is also a good thing even though age is against me but like i said previously it dont matter ulhumdiuallah i hold my self respect and worth of this means alot to me than anything. May allah also shows you doors and comfort that you are healthy and whats in front of you that you remain strong and grateful. Keep sabr and doors will continue to open inshallah.
@ Sr. Samina - I would love to connect with you sister. Please read my responses below. I am dying to talk directly with sisters like you and me. Salam
Dear Sisters Shabeela, Samina, Ruhijarifa, etc,
What I'm going to say may be upsetting, but it is not intended to be.
Have you considered that marriage may not be in your destiny?
I'm not saying that you should give up or stop making dua. But sometimes the answers to our prayers are staring at us in our face, and we're too scared to see them. Perhaps, for now, God has given you His answer, and it is time to focus on other things.
If it is destined for you, it will happen. But no amount of despair, sadness and complaining will alter your destiny. (and I'm not suggesting that you are complaining....trust me I am in the same situation as you!). But I've reflected on this A LOT, and I know for certain that "what is destined for you will reach you, even if it is underneath two mountains, and what is not destined for you will NEVER REACH YOU, EVEN IF IT IS BETWEEN YOUR TWO LIPS"
I say this from experience, now that I am 40 I look back at the last decade, and all the hoping, praying and trying tht I did....In retrospect none of my efforts came close to bearing fruit and perhaps I was fighting against something that had already been decided for me. It makes me very sad to say that, but at the same time, I wish I had realized it earlier.
I am not suggesting that you give up, but continue to make best efforts and then leave your destiny in God's hands, and focus on your family, hobbies, career, volunteer work, health, etc. Nothing happens by mistake; you are in this situation for a reason, it is all part of God's divine plan. Remember that God is the best of planners.
Sisters, I know it is very scary to think that something you have always wanted so badly may not reach you, but sometimes the best way to obtain peace with the situation as it currently stands is to accept that situation. Of course, it is possible that things can change.
I hope this gives you peace - if not today then someday.
Totally agree with you!! I realize it. And i know i can never change it, that is why i say it is misfortune. I beared this heart break and I cant be friends with my school friends any more as they are now happily married and I am not. I realize my husband and children were never created by Allah. I know, no matter how much I pray or how painfull it is for me, they wont be created now by special order;).
I know i am unfortunate and I cant change fate. Actually keeping up hope with a broken heart is torture for me, rather accepting this misfortune and living whatever sad life I am given is easier, for me. I am only speaking about my point of view here. Of course everyone has their own ideas and I respect that.
Assalaamu alaykum Sister Ruhjarifa,
Please don't think this way. Why do we have examples of Prophets in the Qur'an having children in old age?
Without hope in Allah, is not our faith in vain?
There is a beautiful verse of the Qur'an which means:
" And none despair of the mercy of Allah save the disbelieving folk "
The narratives of the Qur'an are about hope in Allah. Just read Surah Yusuf and Insha Allah you will cry by the time you reach the end of the Surah.
Sister, when you give up hope and say "Allah did not create if for me", you are actually saying something about Allah which you don't know. That is a matter of ghaib, unseen, only Allah knows what He has created and what not.
Would it be right, when Prophet Ibrahiim (peace be upon him) was in old age and would have said : I know Allah has not created my children?
How can a Muslim say such words?
Sister, forgive me if I seem harsh, but repent to Allah and take back the words you said ain your post, they are for sure not pleasing to Allah nor befit His Majesty.
I hope Insha Allah you wil do so and trust Allah until you go back to Him.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Brother Munib, i have to disagree with you, although at one time I would have agreed with everything you said. In fact, I have read Sura Imran over and over, in the past, because if it happened to Zakariah and his wife, then why not me? I went to the tomb of John the Baptist (Yahya) in Damascus earlier this year, and I thought there was "a reason" Allah lead me to that place.
But in truth, accepting "what is" does not mean we have despaired of Allah's Mercy, because acceptance may be what Allah SWT wants for us. Do you see? Other than the wives of prophet Zakariah and Ibrahim, how many other women do you know who had babies in old age? None. These were miracles bestowed on the prophets of Allah to show us Allah's glory. And they occurred in a time when the world was in desperate need of miracles. Jesus (who was Yahya's contemporary), was born in Roman-occupied Palestine; Al-hamdolillah, while there are so many problems that beset muslims these days, paganish is not one of them.
You are correct that we don't know what Allah has in store for us in the future. But that is why I say that we should accept what is, and leave the rest in God's hands, rather than be heartbroken and sad about the current state of affairs.
Also, keep in mind that having hope in Allah's mercy does not necessarily mean that He will answer our prayers in THIS life. From Sura Ad-Duha,
And surely what comes after is better for you than that which has gone before.
And soon will your Lord give you so that you shall be well pleased
The ayat of Surah Ad Duha is as much for dunya as for aakhirah.
The Quraysh accused that Muhammad's lord has forsaken him.
So Allah revealed :
By the Morning Hours,
And by the Night when it is stillest,
Thy Lord hath not forsaken thee, nor doth he hate thee,
And verily the later portion will be better for thee than the former,
And verily, thy Lord with give thee, so that thou shalt be content.
Allah will give him what?
Success in the mission of Islam, in dunya (by victory over kuffar) as well as aakhirah (by fulfilling His promises).
Then Allah mentions his past life of "dunya"
Did He not find thee an orphan and protect (thee)?
Did He not find thee wandering and direct (thee)?
Did He not find thee destitute and enrich (thee)?
And thus Allah has favored His slave Muhammad (peace be upon him), so Muhammad (peace be upon him) should show favor to other slaves of Allah too who are orphaned and poor beggars:
Therefore the orphan oppress not,
Therefore the beggar drive not away,
Therefore of the bounty of thy Lord be thy discourse.
Islamic foundations of care for orphans and concern for beggars were thus laid from the very begining and who knew that there would be so many wars and many would be orphaned in them. Only Allah knew.
Subhaan Allah, may Allah grant them all Jannah who suffered for His sake.
Sister Precious Star,
Recently there was a couple the man was 94 and his wife of around the same age in Rajasthan, India, he got a child at that age.
So miracles do not have fixed times, they show Allah's power, anywhere anytime, whensoever He wills He can show what He is Able to do. Wa huwa ala qulli shay in qadiir - And Allah is Able to do all things.
Allah has not revealed stories of Prophets just for "story telling" or as "fairy tales", they are reality by which Allah gives us examples, that if those things could happen with them, they could happen with us too.
Sister Precious Star, you speak about Jesus son of Mary, peace be upon them, today science has advanced to an extent where a woman can bear a child without having a man touched her.
Allah showed it in the most purest and superior way far above science by saying " and We breathed in to her, "something" of our spirit." and you know I think what Mary said before that: How can I have a child when no mortal hath touched me?
So Allah verily will show His signs and continue it until we know that the Qur'an is the truth:
53. We shall show them Our portents on the horizons and within themselves until it will be manifest unto them that it is the Truth. Doth not thy Lord suffice, since He is Witness over all things?
54. How! Are they still in doubt about the meeting with their Lord? Lo! Is not He surrounding all things? - Surah 41, Haa Miim Sajdaa.
Signs of Allah will be continue to be shown to us until we realize Allah's word is true, and surely we have to meet Him.
Lack of faith in Allah's mercy ruins our dunya and aakhirah.
We should have immense faith in Allah and His Mercy and we should keep on reading the Qur'an with meanings and the du'aas in it.
May Allah help our sisters get married to good men soon.
Salaam,
Your brother.
@Precious Star your wise words have touch my heart thank you for sharing.
Precious star , Samina and ruhijarifa
Just a wild thought . Have you tried men who are divorced , widowed or are willing to take a second wife ?
Please don't get offensive .
@ a muslim man I have asked my parents about this but it is out the question for me. No offence taken. My parents wont ever consider this they believe if a man asks for a divorce of a women how can he expect to treat me right. My parents even say a man can do so many haraam things outside marriage and still manage to marry a virgin and live happliy ever after. That is what they believe has we got daughters and brothers and my brothers would never do this to their wives ulhumduiallah they both treat their wives like golden respect. In our family izsaat is treated with such high honor that to even consider a divorcee man is out of the question. I have to respect my parents wishes, although I do believe in second chance but my parents dont not for men anyway they are very harsh and speak the truth so for that I can see where they are coming from.
assalamu alaykum Sister Samina,
If divorced people do not marry, how can the rules of Qur'an be put in to application.
Your parents may be concerned for you, but they do not want to understand realities of life.
A person may not get along with one person and the same person may get along well with another.
Respecting parents above the laws of Allah and reality can lead to much complexities and unending pain.
No offence. I respect your parents as elders, but what they say is "too much generalization" and "incomplete truth".
Salaam,
Your brother.
I agree on brother munib's comment regarding divorce and izzat .
What if the men who got divorce was innocent . What, if the first wife used and abused her husband ? What if she cheated ?
We live in a world where many usual and unusual things happen . Thinking of divorce men as unsuitable or judging them so easily is not a right thing to do . I respect your parents but I disagree with the viewpoint they have .
No offence to any women on this forum but usually when I see women who remain unmarried should be partly blamed .
There are probably following some rule or doing something which doesn't allow them to get married . The reasons are many .
Just praying to Allah will not do the trick . People must understand that they must also look inside their own self. They must do research on themselves . Let's face it , we humans are not perfect and there must be a flaw which is hampering our desires to be fulfilled.
Well, this is just my opinion . Feel free to disagree ..
May Allah help you all sisters and give you great men and a happy life inshAllah 🙂 i couldnt find a translation for this doua 🙁 but here it is
يارب يا أرحم الراحمين يا ذا الجلال والإكراميا رب يا حي يا قيوميا رب صلي وسلم وبارك على النبيي الكريمأسألك بكل اسم هو لك سميت به نفسكأو أنزلته فى كتابك أو علمته أحدا من خلقكأو استأثرت به فى علم الغيب عندكأسألك باسمك الأعظم الذي إذا دعيت به أجبت وإذا سئلت به أعطيتأن ترزقنى يا رب زوجا صالحا طيبا مقيم الصلاة واجعلنى مقيم الصلاة ومن ذريتى ربنا وتقبل دعاءأرزقنى يا رب زوجا يخافكأرزقنى زوجا يتقيك اللهم إنى أسألك من خيرك أكثر مما أرجواللهم عظمني فى قلبة وعظمه فى قلبي واجعلني ماء عينه وقر به عينىاللهم اجعلنى دفء حياته واسعدني ولا تشقيني معه يا أرحم الراحميناللهم إجعلنى زوجته الوحيدة فى الدنيا وحور عينه فى الاخرةبرحمتك ومنتك وعظمتك يا ارحم الراحميناللهم اجعلة زوجا صالح تقي هني محب لله
@ inayaa90 thank you for your beautfual dua brother
ورسوله ناجح فى عمله مقيم شعائرك حسن الخلق انك على ما تشاء قديراللهم يا جامع الناس ليوم لا ريب فيه اجمعني مع من تحب وترضى فى الدنيا والاخرةيا من أمرة بين الكاف والنون ويقول للشئ كن فيكون ارزقنى بزوج صالح وذرية صالحة تقر بها العيون عيني وعين أبي وأمي وكل من يهمه أمري يا ودود يا ودود يا ودود ياذا العرش المجيد يا فعال لما يريد أسئلك بعزك الذى لا يرام وبملكك الذى لايضام وبنور وجهك الذى ملأ أركان عرشك أن ترزقني الزوج الصالح الذى تحبه وترضاه لي وأرزقني منه بالذرية الصالحة والطيبة يا رب ارزقني ولا تحرمني واسترني ولا تفضحني وعفني وحصنّي فى الدنيا والاخر ةواكفني بحلالك عن حرامك واغنني بفضلك عمن سواكيا رحيم يا قادر يا ذا الجلال والاكرام أسألك أن ترزق بنات المسلمين بالازواج الصالحين عاجلا غير آجل إنك على ما تشاء قديراللهم اصلح زوجات المسلمين وازواج المسلمات وارزق شباب المسلمين وعف بنات المسلمات اللهم ارزقني زوجا هينا لينا مرفوع ذكرة فى السماء والارض وارزقني ذرية صالحة طيبة عاجلا غير آجلا انك سميع قريب مجيب الدعاء اللهم اقذف فى قلبي رجاؤك واقطع رجائي عمن سواك حتى لا ارجو احدا غيرك اللهم ما ضعفت عنه قوتي وما قصر عنه علمي ولم تبلغه مسألتي ولم تنته اليه رغبتى مما أعطيت أحدا من الاولين والاخرين فخصني به يا أرحم الراحم
I am having troubles with my net so i had to send it in twos, hope i helped 🙂
All my aunts got married in their mid or late thirties.two are blessed with children, whilst the other cant have a child because of her heart problem and the other husband passed away.
I guess we need to learn to appreciate what Allah swt granted us and focus on other aspect of our lifes.
I dont know. I am in my mid 20s and not married either. On top of that I have got brothers and sisters who are not married either. this was giving me hard time so I tried to sort out this aspect of my life by myself. And so I got in conversation with this guy via formal email conversation and after so much hesitation from myside I eventually met him once. That guy wanted to meet again and again so we get to know each other better but I refused coz I didnt wanted to form any relationship with him or any guy before marriage. He stopped contacting me, in fact the ball is in my court if I want to get in contact with him but just for the sake of so called husband and marriage I dont want to do anything stupid to myself. Within my family and community I am very much liked and respected girl and whenever I remember that I met a guy without my family's permission just makes me feel that I am a bad girl. I realised my error and I have repented but still i feel I need to repent properly to Allah and I thank Allah swt for guiding me!!!
Salaams IknowitSister
Sister your reply bring it back home to me that this is one of the reasons i choose not to date guys. Only because alot of them want one thing and men can easily pick a virgin and marry any woman whether she is divorced or not as well it is alot easier for the guys to get rishta but for our women it is double standards this what really hurts me. This really brings it home to me at any cost there is no point being involved in haraam relations with guys they are not to be trusted and this is the reason why I strongly believe this. As soon as you lay the rights with them this is what the majority of them are like throw you away like you was nothing. Our women have alot of pressures surrounding them and alot of them are desperate to given in and hence this is where they end up unfortuantely pretty sad and I feel sorry for them. My sincere feelings go to you and I am so glad you open your eyes do not do this again behind your parents back they don't deserve this, always remember the clean you are the better don't even settle for the sake of marriage this way as things are not always what they seem on the outside. Someone is always hiding something to take advantage of another always remember your iszaat is always valued by Allah and inshallah you will be fine w/salaams.
@Samina sister AoA,
Thanks for your comment and advise. May Allah swt reward you good in this life and hereafter xxx
I really do feel bad about what I did and I was someone who rarley cried oover things-- always the happy, jolly type person I was but now I do cry that with my so much intelligence of mine that Allah swt has granted me I was doing something wrong with it! But the reason I did that, was not because I am not getting any proposal/s nor that I want to get married desperately. Alhamduillah I am an independent individual and so if I happen to remain single for the remaining of my life then I don't think I would complain about it. It is just if I do get married I want to be married with a good muslim guy. By good I do not mean perfect muslim but at least someone who can keep up with their five times daily prayers or the pillars of Islam. And Alhamduillah, the proposals I was getting, the guys were of good family but they were not really into Islam. Hencewise, I ended up doing something silly!
I appreciate what you are saying that guys are after one thing and once they get that one thing, they afterwards will dustbin you. Yes, to an extent I agree with you but not totally. I could be wrong in judegment of character but I do not think that guy that I was in communication with was like that. He seemed God-fearing and he did use to do his prayer yet he was strugglling and felt lonely in his own life- he just wanted a buddy. He even at one point emailed and said he doesnt want to do anything bad and requested no further communications. I adhered to his wish and nver emailed him. But! after couple of weeks he got back to me and said he was so depressed and lonely. and that was when we communcated again but it got nowhere coz I was not prepared to meet up again without my family's approval which he fail to ask for my hand as he was not confident enough to go up to his family to tell them about this whole thing! Which I appreciated his concern coz after all he bearly knew me as I never disclosed much information about myself to him or something. And there were some stuff about himself that he really wanted to tell me in person so I do not regret about it after marriage but once again I declined to know about it in person. so yeah that was that!- soooooooo much hesitation from my side that we both got tired of all this lol
I guess in total I was in communication with that guy for about 2months max!-- which in reality comes to up to 4 months!
Anyways, lesson learnt!-- As much as I was being tested, he was being tested too. I just pray to Allah (swt) that this past mistake of mine never becomes my present that it may bring shame and stress to my family!!! May Allah (swt) guide us all to siratal mustaqim, ameen.
and yes in a way it was good that it never worked out! coz say if it did then I would always felt bad that I earn something good through haram means! and one day if I happen to have kid/s of my own, then how would I've justified the point that boyfriend and girlfirend is wrong when all along their own parents were in such relationship >.<
“None of you truly believes (in Allaah and in His religion) until he loves for his
brother what he loves for himself.” [Bukharee & Muslim]
@IknowitSister
Allah saved you and I am glad you found your way.
Word of advise if a guy never tells you personal stuff this indicates he was not a good guy at all especially when he says I am depressed and lonely. This is a lime excuse for a girl to feel sorry for him FACT.
Secondly if he couldnt go to your parents for your hand in marriage this just goes to show he was never interested or serious for marriage FACT. He was testing you if you gave in to do sinful acts.
Thirdly thank god you got saved from allah protecting you from such a fake man. I strongly suggest you delete his email, mobile number becasue to come and come again he was messing with your head FACT. Do not contact him again.
You may agree or not but sister this is how a guy works himself into girls to fall into this trap. From what I read in your reply this indicates to me he was never honest or decent he was obvsiously looking for an easy target and wasting your time.
Allah guide us all to the correct path towards only to allah
yes, I've blocked his email account from my account ages agoooo. From day one I never saved his 'number' in my phone nor I ever gave my number to him! I think you are right!- Most often us girls gets emotionally "attracted" to guys and guys gets "physcially" attracted to girls (no matter how modestly a girl is dressed or covered up)-- funny little world we are living in lol and let's just hope I never see him again. Actually, I dont care if I see him but yeah let's hope he doesn't interfer in my life again!!!
And yes! he did wasted my valuable time but, but in return the waster's time (his) got wasted tooooo! I do regret meeting him that only once, even though he mainly talked-- I was just "mute" that day hahaa lol but still!<--- this is the only thing that has messed up my mind! Such a loser I was-- all this is now written in my hereafter record! Seriously! I need some sort of break wall so I can hit my head against it like hundreds of time! .... iA never again!!!! I only wanted to get closer to Allah (swt) not to this (darn it!). I don't know, but perhaps it was my fairly good faith in Allah (swt) that Allah (swt) decided to protect from progression of such bad behaviour activity!
Well, what now!--well, I am just going to leave everything to the will of Allah (swt). And even though I lack so much islamic practises but whatever knowledge or practises I do pose now, I will iA keep hold of that and make those even better-- may Allah (swt) help me with my aims!!! 🙂 and even though my namaazs are imperfect :-/ I will continue to keep up with them, but u know what sister, it is sooooooooooooo hard to pracrtise Islam when ppl around u dont really practises or even care to talk about it (i.e. some family members / relatives/ community)!!!
Anyways. I do not want to bore you with my lame problems but I do appreciate the fact that you and many others like you in here gives up their precious time towards ppl's current dilemma and issues. You good ppl will always be in my duas! Thank you so much!!! x And as always I thank Allah (swt) for creating such a beautiful souls in this site and wherever else in this corner of this world who are trying their utmost to bring their distant brothers and sisters back to Islam! May Allah (swt) reward you all good in this short life but most importantly in the eternal life! ameen 🙂
From your, IknowitSister! xxx
Subhaan Allah Iknowitsister,
Subhaan Allah !!
May Allah Bless you and guard you from Shaytaan. Keep praying, this is the best way to save ourselves from lewdness. Insha Allah.
I am impressed by your words. Subhaan Allah. Very nice.
Never allow a guy to form a relationship with you before marriage, Insha Allah and do not allow Shaytaan to seduce you in to a transgression to Allah, the heavy penalties of which are visible to us.
I am 24, and seeing our sisters passing 20s so quick and finding hard to get married in 30s, I can only feel how quick life is passing by and we do not even realize that we years are passing by way too quick.
All I feel is to pray to Allah that He keeps on showing the Straight Path and we keep on walking on it and we can pray but not despair if we do not have something, a companionship. We hope Allah will give good company to us in aakhirah than in dunyaa.
Salaam,
Your brother.
@ brother Muniib, AoA.
Brother, I always thought you are someone in their 50s giving advise to us youngsters in here lol but yes! thanks for your kind and supportive comments- it only makes one stronger in their deen, inshAllah. May Allah swt bless you with so much blessings in this life and hereafter.
Yes! the shaytan was playing well with my system of beliefs! and I must say to an extent the shaytan tricks did work on me lol and to that extent that shaytan's tricks did work, it is now giving me so much hard time that I am starting doubting my decisions. I have kind of lost trusting in myself!
The thing that is giving me hard time is when my family/friends/ work colleagues says how good or innocent I am, basically when they compliment me but within me I am like 'stop it! I am not good at all' I feel like I am deceiving ppl! I don't know what to do about this!
Anyways, I guess everyone has their own difficulties in life-- and for some what I am going through may not be a big deal at all! but it is something I am finding it hard to deal with...
Assalamu alaykum Iknowitsister,
I have heard this comment before that someone thought I am around 50. 🙂
Wallaah, I don't know why you felt so, but yes, I do feel as if I speak like a " old sheikh " giving advicing of no bf/gf relations.
At one time I thought the Sheikhs are too strict, but with time and understanding of Qur'an, I felt actually the Sheikhs were quite soft on the issue and my comments are more strict 🙂
My dad says I have become like an old man, I have left the joys of youth etc.
Anyways, your feeling " stop it " to friends and relatives is actually good. Because Allah does not like those who ascribe purity to themselves.
Also, he reveals an absolutely beautiful, amazing verse which would bring tears to a human who loves Allah. The verse contains answer to the question you raised and also has a remedy to stop worring about "unwilled" offences.
32. Those who avoid enormities of sin and abominations, save the unwilled offences (for them) lo! thy Lord is of vast mercy. He is best aware of you (from the time) when He created you from the earth, and when ye were hidden in the bellies of your mothers. Therefor ascribe not purity unto yourselves. He is best aware of him who wardeth off (evil). - Surah An Najm.
Subhan Allah.
May Allah help you grow in purity.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Beautiful and thanks for sharing it brother Muniib.
and like I said to sister Samina:
I do appreciate the fact that you and many others like you in here gives up their precious time towards ppl's current dilemma and issues. You good ppl will always be in my duas! Thank you so much!!! And as always I thank Allah (swt) for creating such a beautiful souls in this site and wherever else in this corner of this world who are trying their utmost to bring their distant brothers and sisters back to Islam! May Allah (swt) reward you all good in this short life but most importantly in the eternal life! ameen
----
from your, IknowitSister!
Out of curiosity ,IknowitSister .
Men who married your aunts . Were they younger than your aunts ? or they(men) were widowed or divorced ?
@ A muslim man, AoA
Men who married my aunts, they are not younger than them, nor widowed and nor were they divorced.
assalamu alaikum everyone 🙂
Reading all the comments from the begining, makes me feel really good. I pray for everyone who have commented here, thank you to all my sisters for sharing your stories. Thank you brother Muniib for the kind words.
I felt so good after reading how all my sisters, who are in the same situation as me deal with it. I can relate to every word said by every sister here. Thank you so much to every sister of mine. May Allah bless you all, I pray for you from the bottom of my heart. I also thank the almighty Allah for putting me in the same boat as all you wonderful and sweet sister! Alhamdulillah 🙂
Masha'Allah, that's a great attitude. Perhaps we'll hear of some success stories some day (I have yet to hear one!)
@ruhijarifa i totally feel proud to read your replies and same with @Precious Star your words are seriously wise sister and both of you have good attitudes to life. Decent women make me proud I am muslim and I am true only to allah. Allah is one and one creator and does so many strange things in this world. Inshallah I still want to live in faith, hope that inshallah doors will open to all our sisters and brother still waiting to get married and inshallah they can become happy and complete ameen.
You are always welcome, Insha Allah, at least until I am alive and able, I would try to make you feel good with the words of Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
allah bless you brother munib thank you
@ a muslim man in regards to your comments
No offence to any women on this forum but usually when I see women who remain unmarried should be partly blamed.
There are probably following some rule or doing something which doesn't allow them to get married . The reasons are many .
There are no reasons and I do not want people to feel sorry for me thank you very much. There is no rule apart from respecting parents honor and learning the teaching of your family traditions as well as Islam teaches alot more than humans can ever know ulhumduallah. Being a true muslim and a believer it isnt about me, me, me, for women there are alot more at stake allah does so many things in so many ways that life is never planned it is how to make it to be in the halaal way. Life does have its ups and down marriage will never be easy but allah our creator is the one who does these things that nor I or you will ever know. Allah is the one who may or may not get our sisters married it is what is already written there is no point getting into a heated arguement FACT. As for the rules you are applying a decent, izsaat muslim would never break the rules only follow what allah will give or inshallah what will happen in time to have sabr and that is what we all must do never lose hope in or get desperate ameen. Peace to you brother.
Assalamu alaykum Sister Samina,
Adding to your comment which is masha Allah very nice, I would like to say two important points to always keep in mind:
1. We should never despair of Allah's mercy
2. And when we do not get what we've been asking for which should keep Sabr, and say " Allah knows, I don't know".
Indeed Allah has the knowledge of all things and we should be content and feel complete without a man or a woman, because to have Allah, His Blessings and His Mercy on us is much more important for a Muslim then any other ni'mat of this dunya.
Allah is aware of His slaves needs and He will provide for whom He wills and there is none to stop Him.
He says in Surah Al Israa:
18. Whoso desireth that (life) which hasteneth away, We hasten for him therein that We will for whom We please. And afterward We have appointed for him hell; he will endure the heat thereof, condemned, rejected.
19. And whoso desireth the Hereafter and striveth for it with the effort necessary, being a believer; for such, their effort findeth favour (with their Lord).
20. Each do We supply, both these and those, from the bounty of thy Lord. And the bounty of thy Lord can never be walled up.
21. See how We prefer one above another, and verily the Hereafter will be greater in degrees and greater in preferment.
Human life is much more complex than visible and the running and preserving of the Creation of Allah is even more complex for us humans to understand we should not try to understand what is more than necessary for us.
Allah says in Surah Al Imraan:
178. And let not those who disbelieve imagine that the rein We give them bodeth good unto their souls. We only give
them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom.
179. It is not (the purpose) of Allah to leave you in your present state till He shall separate the wicked from the good. And it is not (the purpose of) Allah to let you know the unseen. But Allah chooseth of His messengers whom He will, (to receive knowledge thereof.) So believe in Allah and His messengers. If ye believe and ward off (evil), yours will be a vast reward.
180. And let not those who hoard up that which Allah hath bestowed upon them of His bounty think that it is better for them. Nay, it is worse for them. That which they hoard will be their collar on the Day of Resurrection. Allah's is the heritage of the heavens and the earth, and Allah is Informed of what ye do.
There are Allah's slaves suffering much more, some I know have throat cancer, some breast cancer, a little girl has her body swollen and doctors say she may hardly live (please pray to Allah for them) and I have seen kids born with large heads and abnormal growth in twins and parents looking after them for almost a decade and they dying and I see a father whose daughter has thalessimia and he has to look for blood donors regularly and what not are the slaves of Allah going through. (May Allah heal them and forgive them and have mercy upon them and on us).
We can only say Allah is best and may He take our souls in the state of Islam, submission.
Allah does what He wills and we have no choice other than to except His will.
We all should cry to Allah in forgiveness and pray for each other.
103. And hold fast, all of you together, to the cable of Allah, and do not separate. And remember Allah's favour unto you: how ye were enemies and He made friendship between your hearts so that ye became as brothers by His grace; and (how) ye were upon the brink of an abyss of fire, and He did save you from it. Thus Allah maketh clear His revelations unto you, that haply ye may be guided,
104. And there may spring from you a nation who invite to goodness, and enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency. Such are they who are successful.
105. And be ye not as those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, - Surah Al Imraan.
Salaam,
Your brother.
This is beauitfual thank you Muniib
All thanks and praise be to Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Dear Samina
Jazaakallah for your answer to that muslim man. I literaly burst into tears when I read that comment by that muslim man. I now know why Shabeela's parents were embarassed, it is because of such cruel people like .
Allah has decreed everything. It is called taqdeer. All muslims believe in Taqdeer. Me, yours and evry other sister in our situation, have this decreed by Allah. Our prophet (pbuh) said that one who does not believe in taqdeer is no one to prophet (pbuh) and the prophet (pbuh) is no one to that person either.
Me, you and everyone is living the divine decree of Allah, and no matter how much people blame us, it will not change whatever allah has decreed for us.
I believe in taqdeer and I believe in Allah.
Dear Samina and Ruhijarifa,
Do not let people like A Muslim Man put you down or upset you. I agree with you, that we are made to feel worthless due to attitudes like his. Part of me feels that some men really enjoy "blaming the victim".
Really, A Muslim Man, if you have no constructive advice to offer, then why bother posting comments that will upset others?
It just makes me angry that why is he commenting. There are people who have abortions, physical relations before marriage or are thinking about leaving their husbands just because they dont love him, asking for advice here. Why does this weird man not go over to those questions and put these comments there.
Why the hell is he disturbing us and showing how people can talk crap. I dont know why the hell is this weird guy only finds us to disturb?
Now you are the one being judgmental, ruhijarifa. Each person has the right to offer his opinion, as long as it does not directly conflict with Islamic teachings. If you don't agree with someone, you can respond properly, or ignore him. There's no need to resort to name calling.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It is a public forum . Everyone can project their views using proper guidelines .
@ruhijarifa .. I literaly burst into tears when I read that comment by that muslim man. I now know why Shabeela's parents were embarassed, it is because of such cruel people like .
You cried your eyes out because of my comment !! I didn't know that you were so sensitive . My comments represent my views only . I apologize for the emotional pain that I have caused . I never intended to do such a thing .
It just makes me angry that why is he commenting. There are people who have abortions, physical relations before marriage or are thinking about leaving their husbands just because they dont love him, asking for advice here. Why does this weird man not go over to those questions and put these comments there.
Why the hell is he disturbing us and showing how people can talk crap. I dont know why the hell is this weird guy only finds us to disturb?
If you browse the archive of this website , you'll find my comments on different questions , especially on the issue of pre-marital sex .
You called me "weird" , " freak" and insulted me with other hateful sentences but I did not reply you with the same rude manner . You think that you are the only unlucky girl in this world . You think people like me are so fortunate and so blessed . Well , for your information I am not what you are assuming .
Let me tell something about my self before you further judge me and talk to me with different bad words .
Just like you I wanted to get married , but the place where I am living , it have a large non-muslim population but few muslims . My mother tried to get me married to a good muslim girl but she couldn't . She went to her home country so that she could find some good pious girls. Nobody agreed to give their daughters . They rejected me on the basis that I am a western muslim boy so I they assumed I must be a fornicator . Without even listening to me they simply rejected me because I white . They assumed that I have a lifestyle of partying and committing sins . I don't even know what else they had in their minds about me . Just to prove my self virgin , I had to take medical and other test , but still I was refused .
Now who do you think is so lucky and so blessed ..huh ? I am facing punishment of activities that I didn't even do .
I thought that maybe I should try to find a woman myself . Most of the muslim girls I met , had a past , so they were a big NO for me .
It is so easy to commit fornication and so hard to get married over here . People over here live together without getting married and they even have kids . I have even seen muslim women marrying non-muslim men . Some of them even have children from them .
All these years I tried to protect my self from these sins just in a hope that I would get a women just like me who would have guarded her honor and respect , but to no avail .
Do you even realize , as a man how hard it is to control yourself when everyone around you are committing sins.
And btw .. My university classes will begin in few days so I will not be able to visit this site frequently . You must be delighted ...huh :d
@ Samina There are no reasons and I do not want people to feel sorry for me thank you very much
No,I don't feel sorry for you . It's your life and you are the one who is going to face the consequences whether good or bad . It doesn't bother me at all .
@ Precious star Part of me feels that some men really enjoy "blaming the victim".
Seriously ? .. So quick so judge . What else can I say
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you all three of you who attacked me directly and indirectly . You judge people without knowing anything about them . You are just the like the girls who my mother met in her home country . So quick to call names and insult people .
Nevertheless , I stand firm on my viewpoints . Whatever the case might be , I wish all of you best of luck for your future .
A test showed that I had no STD's ...
@Precious Star
You are 100% right sister so is brothers Muniib and Wael. Fighting back in a heated arguement towards people is not the answer or going about it. What you written made me seriously look at another direction of focus and as for sister ruhijarifa replying to Taqdeer has hit this on the nail. I am very glad you both reponsed and shinned a light that I too am not alone. I am allah's human and I will have to answer only to allah not labeling mself the blame victim ulhumdiallah allah protects me whatever will be. In time like you wisely written my distiny is this and therefore I refuse to put myself down or feel sorry for myself when there are loads of people worse than my situation. Let us all help and guide each other not get heated up. We can learn alot from each other experiances and ways to deal with the issue. Let all muslims get through there difficult time as well ameen.
@Precious Star
muslim brother has spoken and he has not offended me. I am used to men who have such high opinion hence this is why alot of them dont understand us and regards to our iszaat they think it is funny or a joke. I know at the end of the day it is easy for men to get married even if the sinned and continued to sin to virgins or divorcee's women FACT. Hence this is why allah has given in Islam us decent muslim women, sisters, daugthers, mothers, anties such high honor. We need to respect this in highley regards and this is why alot of people are forgetting the word respect and izsaat.
May allah continue to fulfill our sisters with love and izsaat ameen.
What really makes me respect you , three ladies more is that you protected your chastity in this day and age . Alhamdulliah you do not belong to those 95%of the single population .
Not to deviate from the initial post, but brother A Muslim Man, I never knew that there were tests that can detect men’s virginity and how valid is it?
-Helping Sister
@ruhijarifa sister you have spoken wisely thank you
A Muslim Man the reason you had so many rejections is not because you are white or from the west its qaadar Allah it was meant to be, just as in theses same women you say are in part to blame for being unmarried every thing was written while we were still in our mothers wombs SubhanAllah, look back at some of your comments i can say that you sound very flippant and careless, i make dua for your heart to soften towards women Ameen.
A Muslim Man the reason you had so many rejections
Only two , that doesn't count to so many rejections
A Muslim Man the reason you had so many rejections is not because you are white or from the west its qaadar Allah it was meant to be, just as in theses same women you say are in part to blame for being unmarried every thing was written while we were still in our mothers wombs SubhanAllah, look back at some of your comments i can say that you sound very flippant and careless, i make dua for your heart to soften towards women Ameen.
That's your opinion but I don't buy it . I don't sit idly and hope that my prayers will come true if I don't work towards it .
I know what I want and how to achieve it . Two or three rejections doesn't make me disheartened. Successful people don't surrender on one shortcoming/failure , they continue their efforts until they achieve their ultimate goal . Saving myself within this sinful environment is a challenge and I like it .
And ,NO my comments are not flippant and careless , in fact they make complete sense and logic .
I know , how to deal with my situation.
@zenaa I totally agree with you ameen.
@a muslim brother even reading your reply has touched my heart that you too are not alone and in the same position as the rest of us. Just has it may be hard for your parents think the same as well it is hard for women to even prove they are virgin even if they too have to prove themselves. It has nothing to do with the FACT you are from west it is to do with families being fussy and demanding too much with high expectations it goes back to honor and izaast. Nothing comes easily brother nor it is free you cant expect perfect because we do not live in a nice world anymore. Just remember you got Allah and inshallah Allah will grant your wish just never lose hope and keep praying ameen. Peace
btw .... It's been three years since this incident happened . Later I realized that their rejections were indeed a hidden blessing . God knows what my in-laws would have done to me if I had married their daughter . Allah has saved me .
At least I am not changing some child's poppy diaper or dealing with all those arguments and fights. My life is great just the way it is . Marriage will only happen if
1. Allah wants it to happen
2. My efforts are involved .
I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever and I am also not desperate to get married.
P.S Men never gets old .
Ha ha, changing the diapers is not so bad, bro. It's a part of fatherhood. And yes, men do get old. We lose our hair and grow bellies, and our knees start to ache.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, Brother A muslim man,
"some child´s poppy diaper" can be seen as "my son/daughter´s diapers"... that simple detail changes the way of looking at the situation, and "the arguments and fights" you can see it as "energetic readjustments" that the couple needs to grow up as one, Insha´Allah. Just some thoughts to share.
Youth of the Heart is forever, Insha´Allah.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Ruhijarifa,
Burst in to tears by truthful verses of the Qur'an which increase our iimaan not by comments which hardly mean anything fruitful.
Everyone has a right to write their views. A Muslim man has his way of speaking, let it not affect your thinking and actions.
Salaam,
Your brother.
I don't see anything wrong if a father changes their child's diaper or even feeds him/her milk—my family member’s do it all the time. These roles aren't just assigned for women and it doesn't make a man any less if he does engage in such activities. In fact, I'm sure your wife would appreciate and love you even more seeing that you have this innate desire to care for your child.
-Helping Sister
@Muniib
my parents completely understand this and teaches of islam but they will never ever change their minds and for me to respect them I have to respect that decision end of. My parents do have the best interest for me and has their daugther I must obey them becasue at the end of the day they have the best interest for me and I owe it to them to respect and love them. There is nothing else apart from allah and my parents I rather have and maybe one day inshallah even for all our brothers and sisters still waiting like myself there dreams will come true and learn to appericate ameen.
Ameen to your du'aas.
They of course think good of you.
May Allah ease the situation for you and for them and bring happiness in your dunya and aakhirah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sisters i have family in dubai and the females cousins married 29 and the other 2 in their 30s. my male cousin's say it is to expensive to marry young so they work very hard and then marry in their late 30s i think its UAE thing i dont no. insha'Allah khayra for all of you.
Sister Zenaa,
It's not UAE thing, it's everywhere unfortunately. I have seen a lot of sisters and brothers who remain either un-married or marry late in their lives just trying to make enough money to pay for marriage expenses. I, myself have decided to marry a girl who is poor and her parents can't afford a lavish style marriage; I won't ask for anything Insah Allah like those demands we see in marriages from groom side. If they want to give their daughter anything in their capacity. On the other hand I will try to give her something before marriage like jewellery which could serve as a guarantee for her and her parents Insha Allah. I think that we need to educate parents about what is important in a relationship? I we look closely, this is something that gives way to so many problems and fitnah in our society.
May Allah help us all in our halal quests. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
brother your reply was well said and that is how marriage should be on both sides. May you also find a beautifual wife with your good attitude. Yes our parents do need educating you have hit it on the nail. May you find happiness and your wish to be grated by allah inshallah ameen.
Masha'allah M 1982 that is a good way to look at marriage and for the man to take full financial responsibilty, and if the girls family want to help thats even better, money causes alot of problems before and after marriage
.
@Sister Samina and Sister Zeena,
Thanks for your kind words sisters I don't know if I deserve them, Amin to your prayer and duas sisters and I wish the same for you. May Allah (swt) bless all my sisters all over the world with practising brothers who protect them, help them improve their faith; treat them with respect and honour them and be a source of coolness of their eyes. (Amin ya rabul-aalmeen).
Salam everyone,
from Islamic perspective only, please could someone shade some light to me, as to when is an individual is considered as unchaste ?
I am asking this because I want to know by just talking to a guy regarding marriage (of course no loose nor foul or unlawful talk between them at all) without family's permission or mahram, does it make a girl/ guy unchaste????
please let me know.
thanks!
@IknowitSister
I shall start off with a translation of a small segment of the Quran.
“A man guilty of adultery or fornication does not marry other than a woman guilty of adultery or fornication, or an idolatress, and as for a woman who committed adultery or fornication, no one but a man who committed adultery or fornication, or an idolater, marries her. And that has been prohibited for the Believers.” [al-Quran 24:3]
We hear about many men and women in this day and age who have committed zina and fallen to the evil whispers of the shaytaan, which of course means they will not be virgins on their wedding night. Allah has asked us to cover up our sins and to ensure we do not commit them again, which is indisputable if it comes from the Almighty.
The Quran states that the unchaste should go for the unchaste someone who has been touched and had sex outside marriage and lost their purity whilst engageing to haraam activties.
Unchaste
1. not chaste; not virtuous; not pure: an unchaste woman.
2. characterized by sexual suggestiveness, transgression, or excess; lascivious; bawdy: an unchaste exhibition.
Basically someone who either sleeps around or has a personality capable of it.
Chaste
1.Pure, simple and virgin
2. Respectful and moral (concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles)
3. Never been touched, kissed or engaged with such sinful acts including sex.
Chaste is someone who has kept their prized possession assest completely pure even from eyes. This is where some people who are virgins will not except non virgins becasue they have hold the most respectful honour than the one who unfortuantely committed sins and becasue of the past sins some muslims will not settle for second best. In my case my parents will ever except a divorcee man or someone with a past end off.
I want to end by saying that I pray to Allah Almighty above us, help all Muslims all over the world can strengthen their Imaan and become the servants we are in this world. Oh Allah guide us all and protect us all from the whispers of the shaytaan. Oh Allah please help the Muslim Ummah, so that we do not suffer from these calamatous sins and so that our brothers and sisters do not have to go through divorce. Oh Allah help us to teach our children the way of the Prophet, that they may become good men and women and strengthen Islam. AMEEN..
Samina, your interpretation is not correct. A correct interpretation of the Quran should come from the Prophet (sws), the Sahabah and the scholars, not from a dictionary definition and our own opinion.
Sidi Abdullah Anik Misra writes,
If anyone has fallen into zinaa (and may Allah save us), know that Allah is so Merciful and He is ready to accept the repentance of those who are truly remorseful and commit themselves not to repeat the act again. He, Most High, says:
“And those who, after they had committed a gross obscenity [ie. zina], or wronged themselves [by what approaches it, such as kissing], remembered Allah, and then sought forgiveness for their sins – and who forgives sins except Allah? – and they did not continue in committing it, knowing fully-well [it was a sin]:
For those people, their recompense is a great forgiveness from their Lord! And gardens underneath which rivers flow! They will be in there forever! What a wonderful reward for those who act for Allah!”
[al-Quran, 2:135-136, interpretation from Jalalayn and Tabari]]
The Verse Concerning Marriage With Those Who Commit Zina
Allah Most High says:
“A man guilty of adultery or fornication does not marry other than a woman guilty of adultery or fornication, or an idolatress, and as for a woman who committed adultery or fornication, no one but a man who committed adultery or fornication, or an idolater, marries her. And that has been prohibited for the Believers.” [al-Quran 24:3]
The opinion that you read (on islamqa.com) says that this verse is a prohibition against the marriage of a Believer with someone guilty of zina, until the adulterer repents, thereby being cleansed of the sin and no longer being an adulterer. This is based on the taking the statement “it has been prohibited” at one of its literal and apparent meanings and applying it to marriage. Some Hanbali scholars held this view.
However, the majority of scholars have said that this is not a prohibition in terms of validity of marriage, but rather they interpret the verse in many different ways.
Al-Suyuti in Tafseer al-Jalaalayn points out that the beginning of the verse speaks about who is appropriate for marriage to another due to their character; that the only person who would want to marry an adulterer is one who has similar inclinations or makes light of the sin of zina, or a person who is not a Muslim and therefore does not see zina as being unlawful and sinful in the first place. The suitability of a man and woman of this nature is repeated twice to show emphasis on how detestable the act and its consensual perpetrators are, and it also highlights that this stigma is not attached only to the male or female alone (as is sometimes sadly observed in some cultures).
Al-Suyuti goes on to say that the prohibition on the Believers was initially meant to address a situation in which some very poor Muslim Emigrants to Medina had wanted to get married to women who were pagans and known prostitutes, so that they might benefit from those women’s earnings to survive. Hence, the verse was revealed to prohibit this, and he says that the prohibition of marrying anyone who had once committed adultery was abrogated by a later command which said “and marry the single ones from amongst you.” [al-Quran, 24:32]
That does not mean however, that it is of no consequence to marry someone who is unrepentant about their adultery, nor that a chaste person should marry such a person.
Al-Shaukani in Fath al-Qadeer lists 7 different interpretations, one of them being that the verse is simply commending the most commonly observed trend, which is that a chaste person would not usually want to marry someone who was unremorsefully unchaste. He also mentions that the verse is in reference specifically to people to whom zina has become a way of life and even a way of earning. Some transmissions of prohibiting the marriage of two fornicators to each other exist from some Companions, but conflicting narrations from some of those same Companions and the rulings of many of the Imams of the Salaf (such as al-Shafi’i and Abu Haneefa) who knew the Companion’s opinions better than we do today, show that this prohibition was not conclusive or absolute.
Ibn Katheer in his tafseer quotes a narration attributed to Ibn ‘Abbas which indicates that the word “to marry” in this verse (yankiHu) actually takes its other literal meaning, which is “to have intercourse”, so that the verse reads “(illicit intercourse) is prohibited for the Believers”. Al-Tabari says that the verse was revealed to speak about a specific brothel which was frequented by non-Muslims and adulterers, and that the Muslims were forbidden from visiting houses the likes of those. Al-Baghawi even mentions specific people for whom the verse was revealed initially. To summarize, a casual glance through many other tafseers will reveal that while most mufassireen (commentators on the Qu’ran) reported a variety of reasons and interpretations of the verse, the most common interpretations were either one compatibility and censure, or a prohibition that was later abrogated in that same surah.
Some Reports on this Issue
Reports of the sayings of the Companions and Followers on this issue are plentiful.
Daraqutni reports, in part of a hadeeth, from Aisha that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was asked about a man who committed zina with a woman, and then wanted to marry her. Part of the reply was, “Something unlawful (zina) does not make prohibited that which is lawful (marriage)…”
He also reports that Ibn Abbas, regarding a man who had committed zina with a woman and then married her, said, “The first part of [the relationship] was fornication (al-sifaah) and the last part of it was lawful Islamic marriage (al-nikaah). The first part was unlawful, and the last part was lawful.” In another riwayah, he said “there is no harm in it”, and that a similar meaning had been reported from ‘Umar, Abu Hurayara and Jabir (may Allah be well pleased with them all), though saying there is “no harm in it” doesn’t necessarily show that it is liked or recommended.
‘Abd al-Razzaq in his Musannaf also relates from Ibn ‘Abbas, on the same issue that a man committed zina with a woman then married her, that he said, “Then that (marriage) is better”, and in another narration, “Now he did the right thing!”, and “What’s disliked about that?”
He goes on to report that Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with him) said, “There is no better repentance than that he marries her- (after all) they both went from fornication to Islamic marriage.” [This last report contains an unidentified narrator but its concept and wisdom is amply supported by other reports]. Although there are fewer reports about ‘Aisha and Ibn Mas’ud not allowing such a marriage, perhaps they can be interpreted as recommendations rather than laws, or that the wisdom is for both people to start fresh with other people rather than build their marriage on wrong actions or to discourage the validating of pre-marital relationships. Either way, repentance as a technical requirement to validate the marriage is not established according to the majority.
*****
So, to summarize, someone who committed zinaa in the past and has since repented, is not considered a zaani nor unchaste, and is lawful for marriage to any believer. If a believer who is pure prefers to marry someone who is also pure and has never committed zinaa, that is a valid choice, but it is a personal preference and not a matter of Shari'ah.
The one who is considered unchaste and is prohibited for marriage is one who is engaged in an ongoing sinful lifestyle, or is unrepentant about his/her sins of the past, and sees nothing wrong with it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@wael thank you for correcting me on the mistake I published. You explained it alot clearer to iknowitsisiter. Thank you
Once again, thanks Samina sister.
okay! according to my understanding I may not be perfect but I do feel I am still chaste because I have not been or allowed any guy to come close to me or noe I have been touched (Alhamdulillah I am touch-free) and nor have I ever talked in an inappropriate manner with guys and i have always tried to keep my gaze low! but yes because I am not created as an angel but better than it, i.e. human, I do admit that I have done that mistake which is irrating me a lot! and that is why I am posting here my concerns as I really want to know where would I stand in front of Allah swt if I were to die right now! I don't know... maybe I was ungrateful at one point in my life that Allah let me experience this incident..... but regardless of any further assumptions from my end, I am grateful of Allah (swt) for guiding me as if He had not guided me than I could have wronged myself even more! I feel bad. I have repented to Allah (swt) and I will continue to do so in every prayer that I shall offer to Allah swt, iA.
Thanks to everyone who tried to help me- I really do appreciat it! I never wanted to share this problem of mine in this public forum but then I thought if I need good muslim knowledge and advise then I have to follow the site's terms and who knows some of you may have benefited from my silly error and made you grateful to thank Allah (swt) that u r not in my boat... I have got no more to add or say apart from: May all those souls (muslims and non-muslims) who are really sincere and desparate to find or to get close to his/her Creator-Allah (swt), then may Allah (swt) guide them to His path at all times.
wish you all well...
from IknowitSister.
@iknowitsister wael has explained the issue a lot clearer than me. I apologise to you for misreading my understanding of this issue. I love your last few paragraphs when you finish off your replies they are very touching. Thank you for sharing and I too wish you well for the future x
Talking does not make anyone unchaste. If they talk about prohibited things (for example sexual desires) then they are committing a sin, but that does not make them unlawful for marriage or any such thing.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
brother Wael, I just read your post after my own post to Samina sister. thank you for your insightful reply- appreciated it.
May Allah swt bless you with plenty of happiness in this life and the hereafter and I wish same for all the sincere believers of Allah swt.
------
from IknowitSister...
@ a muslim man
Brother, your comment about your test showing you have no STDs is really funny (friendly funny). Thank you for making me smile!!! 🙂
I am sorry for my bad words and as you can see everyone has objected of my bad behaviour.
Actually I have seen many woman of good character having a difficult time to get married, while as I have said b4 women having abortions get married so easily and that too with another man. I never in my life had any boyfriends in fact I was always in girls school and college until my university. I had friends who always had intimate affairs.
I always believed Allah will give me a great Husband ( i used to dream of how good my future husband will be), because I did not engage into haram relations. However things didnt work out like that, and all my friends are now settled with their boyfriends or husband, while I am still single.
I cant tell you how much I was shattered when I had to attened one of my friends wedding, where other friends came over with their boyfriends or husbands and I was just single with no scope of marriage (my parents, relatives , everyone are searching with no fruitful result) . When I came back home , I remember I cried so loudly that my mother started panicking. I cant explain how bad I felt.
So, here I just found woman who are unmarried, and i really loved sharing stories and my feelings with them. I really thought I made new friends, I found my sisters. I just wanted to share with them.
I am again sorry for my bad words and I respect your opinion. May allah bless you with a good and pious wife. Ameen
MashaAllah sister, what a nice post. I do not usually comment on things not posted properly, but I want to give these sisters (An brothers) something to think about.
I know how it feels to be at a gathering and be the only 'single' one. Its not nice, so sorry you feel that way I too felt bad, but my mother told me something which has stuck with me. She asked me why I am single. And why I don't have a boyfriend like others despite being lonely sometimes. Its not because I am unattractive. Ask yourself that question. Because we do not want to displease Allah swt. This is a sacrifice on our part, and do you think this will go unrewarded by Allah swt? Of course not. InshaAllah when He knows you are ready, you will find a pious spouse who is good for you, Not when you think you are ready.
Alternatively He may choose to test you, and give you difficulty in finding a spouse but rest assured whatever He decides will be the best thing for you. If I do not marry in this life, InshaAllah I hope to marry first time in Jannat. There there will be no marriage problems, no arguments - just pure happiness.
What I am trying to say is work to please Allah swt and you will be a winner, regardless of what Allah swt decrees for you sisters. This is a reminder for myself as much as it is for others InshaAllah.
May Allah swt give us the best of this life and the next, grant us pious spouses and give us sabr.
Ameen
Please forgive me for commenting bro Wael. (In future InshaAllah sisters, please do not make a habit of too much discussion on others questions, if there is an unrelated discussion, please log in. Thank you.)
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Masha´Allah, sister Sara, beautiful reply. I was thinking about that today. Thank you very much.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Give thanks to your mum too.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think there should be a support group for us single practising muslim sisters who have good morals and have been patiently waiting for Allah to respond to our prayers for a good husband. We need to be able to meet if we live close to each other as most other married people shun us and keep us away from them as if we had some sort of contagious disease, God forbid. I see most of my single muslim friends very depressed and this support group would be very beneficial.
Br. Wael, Sr. Maria and other moderators, can we do something like this here PLEASE? this is only one website I have found worth suggesting this to.
@ seema
I agree with you, we need a support group more than anyone. SO, I am also requesting , please can our moderators help us out here?
Sr. ruhijarifa - I have requested Sr. Maria to atleast introduce us. I would love for us to have a group and share our feelings and maybe make it grow to be a movement to break these barriers for us.We are not home wreckers - if these married women are insecure, they should not be married to men who they think will cheat on them - why blame us for something we have not done and have no intention of doing. I feel I am living in solitary confinement. My own sister does not allow me to stay over at her place bec she thinks her husband and I "may get something going on" Only Allah knows if he ever cheated on her for her to discriminate me like this! My parents are hurt about this situation. I get invited to no weddings or dinners. I dont want to invite couples as they may think I am interested in their husbands and I have no man in my home to entertain their husbands as I live alone. I dont go to singles events and cruises bec these men/women have different morals/values. I woudl love to make muslim single women friends and travel with them.
Br. Wael or Sr. Maria: an opportunity here for you - create a single muslim female travel and activities club so we can enjoy travelling in a halal way! 🙂
As salamu alaykum, sister seema,
Men normally have an irresistible attraction towards single women, their wives are just protecting their marriage, can be considered as healthy jealousy, don´t take it personally, you would understand it the day you marry, Insha´Allah.
Sister Seema, they can offer their help, knowledge, wisdom to help others on this website and, at the same time, they will create bond with people around, will feel useful, they will be suportive and supported insha´Allah.
Please, guide them to be active and proactive. I don´t know how to say this, but I hope you understand the idea, don´t put yourselves ettiquetes, you are temporally single, you are forever muslimahs with straight values and behaviour, insha´Allah, this way of looking at it, will open a window in your life, Insha´Allah.
We need people to guide our youth and the ones that feel lost, scared, hurt, betrayed...,in the Light of the Quran and the Sunnah, while doing this their problems will reduce to the right importance, they will look at life in a different way, Insha´Allah.
Do you do activities in your local masjid with your single friends? You can think about this too. Not just receiving, giving is an option too. If you are a group, you can develop activities that all of you find interesting, helping each other and helping others, Insha´Allah. Talk to your Imaam and see if you have a place where to meet and let him know what you are planning this way, he can connect the women interested in the project, insha´Allah.
Related to Internet in general, I advice you to mantain yourself well protected, you don´t want to become an easy prey for predators, at least if you can avoid it.
Your time is a treasure, now you can share it, once you are married you will have other duties, nothing to say when you have children, Insha´Allah.
We all are important, we all have something to share, that something that we may consider that has no importance because we are used to it but for others that can be the "click" that may allow them to change their life in the straight direction, insha´Allah.
I hope my words help, Insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazak Allahu Khairan for your appreciation of the site.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Maria m , you said men normally have irresistable attraction to females . That is not true . How would you explain the case of homosexuality ? and then there are people like me who don't have this so called irresistable attraction to females . Your comment indirectly protray all men as pigs .
As salamu alaykum brother A muslim man,
Saddens me the way you have misunderstood my words, but I cannot see through your glasses I just see through mine, my apologies to all the men, I didn´t mean what you refer, I will explain myself. Through my glasses, I read that a single sister was feeling rejected by married women, and I was trying to explain to her, that married women protect their marriage this way, because men (I was wrong generalizing, my apologies), not all, I was referring to married men, and again not all, some married men, normally feel attracted not specially physically attracted, more emotionally towards women that are alone(single), there is a strong need in some men to protect women that are alone, I´ve seen it many times, the need of protection develops in something deeper and marriages suffer, this is what I meant and intuitively married women feel it and try to avoid it.
I am really sorry that those terrible thoughts came to your mind after reading my comment. I have three brothers, I have a nephew I take care of and I have a son, I am the oldest sister, I am mother and I am aunt of men, I have taken care all my life of men, I respect and defend men, as sister, mother and aunt, never crossed my mind to say anything that could be understood the way you did, I apologize again that my way of expressing was so poor that was misunderstood in such a way.
Related to homosexuality, you have a couple of posts in this site you can read and make your own opinion based on facts, insha´Allah.
Related to other men, many men are straight, masha´Allah, and they lower their gaze, other men just don´t feel attracted, can be due to physical, psycological or emotional conditions, I don´t like to generalize, and Alhamdulillah, you reminded me of that, every person will have their own mixture of conditions due to their own evolution and learning process in this life, everyone would need to be study seperately.
Related to you, this is my personal opinion after reading about your process and following your comments since you are in the site, please take it with a pinch of salt. What I see is a man with a deep open wound in his heart, you said you move on but while you move you are leaving blood when you walk, you are still suffering and healing,and not just for your own personal experience, you have suffered in your own flesh the suffering of those close to you, seems to me from a very young age, the way you speak, and women had been always there as root of suffering of your and others close to you suffering. Then my feeling is that you are debating between two sides, one of you that has a woman as the greatest love of your life(Allah(swt) always first, of course) and the other one that feels afraid of women and the suffering that they can cause you. You are a very vulnerable person but someway you fight against that vulnerability and that makes you even more vulnerable and hurt, you are looking for help to heal that is why you are still visiting this site, you are looking for answers.
I admire you, A muslim man, since the begining, your Heart is pure, the only problem you have is your difficulty to accept your vulnerability and your deep fear of being hurt by the person you would love to share your life with. that makes you overreact many times, but that is not bad, that means you are healing, Alhamdulillah. Just time and all of this fears will be part of your past, Insha´Allah.
I hope you accept my apologies and forgive me and I am grateful from all my Heart to you for letting me know your thoughts and the way I could be misunderstood. Jazak Allahu Khairan.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@ Sr. Maria
The problem with moderators like you is that you don't KNOW what problems we single women face in the community and you don't want to HEAR us when see do speak up on websites like these, for which I am very grateful to Br. Wael. You are giving the same repeated advice that we have been hearing for the last 10-15 years. We try to do what you said, but IT DOES NOT WORK! Imams have taken my biodata and pictures and never even acknowledged my presence or availibility when I go to masjids. When I go there, the married women don't encourage my involvement. I have had women there tell me to my face that they feel threatened by single women that we may take their husbands away! and for that reason they refuse to invite/include us to their homes. I could go on and on about the discrimination.
So if we women have found this website, why do YOU moderators put up more barriers for us to meet up and try to have a life. NOT ever community has single women who come to the masjid for the above and other reasons which I will not write here as it will get too lengthy. I certainly dont go any more. This is our ONLY forum/outlet.
Br. Wael had been kind enough to privately introduce me to another woman who was overseas and we had a nice chat and helped each other out on a different topic. I am making this request again. Maybe atleast connect the ones requesting this from you? Have a tender heart and hear us! We have a saying in my country "A woman is a woman's worst enemy"....please don't disregard my and Ruhijarifa's request.
As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister Seema,
You don´t need to shout, I hear you perfectly and more than that I listen to you. If you search on the posts on this site, you are not the only single muslim woman that has come here, your talk is fruit of your ignorance about what I know or what I don´t know, I tried to advise inside of the halal and most appropiate muslim approach inside of my knowledge, I am ignorant, that it is true, but I tried my best.
I see one choice for you, don´t give others the responsibility of creating what is your wish to create, do it yourself, insha´Allah, Alhamdulillah. But again careful with the predators, you shout to much and that will attract dangerous energies, Allah(swt) forbids, how can you say a man is a man or a woman is a woman in internet, unless you are watching them directly or you know them previously? and what are their intentions towards you or others?
Related to friends, you mention you already have muslim girlfriends, why don´t you travel with them? what makes you believe that the people you will meet on internet would be trustworthy, just because you share a few comments with them?
Please read this site a bit and open your eyes to what is in the real world, try to be cold head when you talk, move and make decisions.
To attack is not a good way of making friends, to ignore that you could be chosen as a second wife or the possibility that a married man can feel attracted towards you, it is not just painful for you is painful for all the married women you meet, if the men are not your direct family, you should consider them as non mahram, I hope this time you understand my point. A married woman will respect you and wouldn´t mind to have you around when they don´t consider you as a threaten, think about this, question yourself instead of accusing and attacking others.
You don´t go to your masjid because you choose not to go, it is your choice, don´t blame others. And we, Editors, are not a barrier for you to have a life, your life is the one you choose to live in every moment, we have no power over it, and when you entered this site you could ask about the policies we have to put two people in contact, you have to submit to the rules of the site as all of us do if we want to stay here, and if you read what I said to you before I am sure you understand much better now, the reasons and the big responsibility that it is to put two people in contact.
Sister, that maybe in your country, but in my Heart there is no space for the concept enemy, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you for your words inspiring hope, Maria.
As salamu alaykum, my beloved sister Precious Star,
Jazak Allahu Khairan.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum, sister Sara
Jazak Allahu for such a wise post. May Allah bless you sister and may Allah make all your dreams come true. amin
Salaam sister seema.
I am sorry for the predicament you are in.
We are all going through different trials and tribulations, so sister we do not claim to know the exact situation you are in. We are not experts, but we are doing are best. You are right on this. Sometimes Masjids do not provide facilities for sisters to get involved. If this is the case widen your search, work on your intention - if its for Allah swt, He will InshaAllah make the path to marriage easier for you, get involved in many activities which are halal and encourage socialisation - be involved in the islamic communitiy if you can. And relax a bit, stressing about your situation or getting overly upset will not change it. Negativity puts others off as well as messing your health and emotional well-being.
Yes the advice I have offered is generic and I know thats frustrating, but we cannot offer individual advice as we do not know individual situations and of course Allah knows best. Of course you are welcome to log in and post a question if you need more advice.
Also know that we can follow the steps to look for marriage and go to excessive lengths, but we will find someone when Allah swt ordains it and not before.
Please take a look at this link:
http://islamicsunrays.com/category/love/
As for the support group, don;t know how it would be possible, especially on here. Thats for brother Wael to decide, as he is chief editor
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't like to post my personal problems on internet but your behavior prompted me . The above situation happened three years back and I have moved on since then .
@a muslim man of course no one likes to post their personal issues but to even share the experiances we have does help and that is we are not alone even in this cruel world. Your last reply above really made me laugh. Both men and women get old with bellies, baldness lol.
Allah bless you peace.
Wael and Samina , I think you people didn't understand the real meaning behind the term "men never gets old" . Besides I don't think it is a proper place to explain this term . Just to give you an example of a excellent man , google (Jack Lalanne) .
Yeah i heard of this guy he has deceased in April this year who was a body fit guru lol
muslim man, how we muslims explain homosexuality its a tool of the shaytan who makes everything wrong right, and as for you i applaud your discipline in lowering your gaze maasha'Allah.
Seema,
If you read through some of the responses on this website, Maria M probably has the wisest advice to give you.
You are right, the generic advice about "getting involved" and 'speaking to imams" doesn't work. But that doesn't mean we should lash out at the person who is offering such advice. If someone who was married asked me for advice about how to deal with her husband, I wouldn't truly know what she is going through, right? But I would give her the best advice I could.
Honestly, having a single sisters support group isn't going to be overly helpful - you will just end up feeding off each other. And sometimes having married friends gives you more connections to other people who may know singles (didn't work for me, but, I know others for whom it has worked).
My advice to you is to accept the situation for now and pray that Allah opens doors for you, and be content in the possibility that those doors may not open. Then fill your days...with your job, with sports, with takign care of yourself, wtih hobbies, and who knows you may find some peace.
I can go on and on about how muslim immigration to North America has put muslim women who have been raised her in a difficult position...blah blah blah...but I'm not going to start up that thread. I believe that we were chosen to live out this part of Allah's chapter in world history. In another lifetime, and another time and place, things may have been different.
You have to realize something: Crying over a situation does not change that situation.
Thanks for your posting Sr. Precious - you are also repeating the same advice. I was not lashing out at Sr. Maria, but letting her know that cliched responses bother us more when those offering that advice dont realise that we have tried these advices. I have NEVER been welcomed by married couples as you are suggesting. Please dont try to tell me what will work for me or not - I have not asked you to be part of the group I am suggesting as I think you have come across as a bitter person in some of them and I am not a bitter person - I HAVE accepted my situation - don't judge me please! I am just looking for others to do activities with.
"I have not asked you to be part of the group I am suggesting as I think you have come across as a bitter person in some of them..."
I was just doing some research on how to set up a private forum for sisters per your request. But after reading this arrogant and insensitive comment I have decided not to. I am not interested in setting up a private club where some sisters are allowed and others are not.
I'll put you and sister ruhjarijfa in contact with each other as you requested, but that's it.
Update: I attempted to put you in touch with each other, but apparently ruhjarifa's email address is invalid or incorrect. There's nothing I can do about that, sorry.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum brother Wael ,
I actually deactivated that account a few days ago. As the account was linked with many other websites I used to get a lot of mails.
Thank you brother for trying to connect us with each other.
sorry seema* 🙂
Maria M. you have suffered in your own flesh the suffering of those close to you, seems to me from a very young age, the way you speak, and women had been always there as root of suffering of your and others close to you suffering. . Your response was so touching . You were partly right about my struggles . I will not post my personal data anymore because it seems to me that you can easily understand someone's personality through their writings . You are a great person maria m and one of the reasons i visit this site is to read your responses on different questions .
As salamu alaykum, Brother A muslim man,
Thank you very much for your appreciation. Alhamdulillah, we are all growing together, you are my brother and for your age you could be my son too, Alhamdulillah, I can say that I love and respect you, your decisions and your process in this life, that you are important to me and I care for you with all my Heart.
May Allah(swt) bless you and reward you with the best for you. Ameen.
Your sister,
María M
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i agree that ladies of young aged and umarries sisters suffers than even divorced who can be depened on thinking for their future but the issues is do parents have anything to justify keeping their daugthers @ home feeling the pain, lacking partner to share happiness with and avoiding productivitiness which will be appreciated by prophet Mohamed (SAW) in the day of judgement when his Umah will be multiple to other Umah. Every has his/her to participate in making the prophet happy on that day. So dont be kept at home like furnitures and save both your lives and religion through marrige. Dont be considering materials Cos God says "Mankind is here to worship NOT to feed".
How many leaders are swept by simple scenarios ? How manr rich are covered only with one white cloth after rheir death.
The best muslim man/woman are the ones who consider on IBAADA not wealth amd money. and the Ibaada is mean as said by our prophet " who ever can satisfy his couple should married >>>>
Therefore young sisters and brothers get married before you die and add seeds for yourselves for the Dua of the prophet in the day of QIYAMA.
Wabilah Towfiiq
Wasallamu Laahi Aleykum.
"but the issues is do parents have anything to justify keeping their daugthers @ home feeling the pain, lacking partner to share happiness with and avoiding productivitiness which will be appreciated by prophet Mohamed (SAW)!!!!!!" Thing is I had to argue this with Precious on her Prayer for a Lost love thread
Finally a sister who acknowledges a huge problem on the female side of things. Even looking at this thread... "my parents won't let me accept a divorcee, a widow" and to that extension and Arab, a Pakistani...
Just stupid stupid barriers to marriage that will only make it harder for you as you get older. Islam by choice isn't Islam people and you're seeing the societal affects of it
Parents ahve nothing to be blamed for ladies to choose and select their love and partner. coz the shoe wearer knows where shoes pinches him/her. the pain is felt by the daughter not the parent yet parents ahve already their pain by having daughters mothers.
However, the case should never be based on neither widow nor race but who satisfies your pain and comfortable feels your love in the atmosphere of joy and happiness.
Therefore, ladies should not blame parents for their personal weakness when the whole world is like aroom by either chating,dating and travelling. anyone can feel his/her desire @ any time @ everywhere with anyone.
Allah Ma'akum
WabiLahi Towfiq.
Wasalamu LLaahi Aleykum,
I'm also 33, and all girls facing same problems in this age...I had changed my focus... Towards life...Allah support me in each step..like job..help parents..sister... Others...self..I strongly believe if someone is there for me..he definitely meet me...till time faith in allah..and pray.....may be unmarried is good for us and our families
reading through this post, breaks my heart of the amount of girls goign through same struggles. to the original poster, how are you and sisters.
i am also in the same situation. i am 29 and unmarried. all my friends found thier husbands dating during university/college days and are now happily married and settled. my father is very strict, and has been searching now for a number of years, but his strict manner makes it difficult in finding a spouse and sometimes i feel really frsutrated and dont know how to continue. he turns any potential meeting into a job interview, and instead of focuing on the person, will question every accademic step of guys life. we met a few proposals, but if the man asks to talk to me, over telephone my dad objects, and when he agrees, and will stand in the same room so as to listen (even thoigh my mum is present and monitoring call) and say talk for 15/20 minutes and i find it really distracting as im already quite shy and talking to a new person with both parents watching i feel embarrsed. if we go to meet a potential spouse, he will sit right next to us, and makes it uncomfortable. or will tell me not to ask to many questions. he is only willing to accept any proposals that his brother (my unlce) finds. my mums relatives have suggested many proposals, but this always ends ip i nmajor arguments 🙁 i am from UK, and my uncle is looking for spouses in pakistan. i have stated i want a man who is settled, and this option would mean i would have to work support my husband an do visa. my parents have asked here, but we dont know many families, or ppl we find want a younger girl. when we ask my dad says stop bringing up this matter my uncle is looking.
i sometimes feel maby its a punishment for my past sins. i have rependted and did wrongs which i deeply regret. i was in a relationship, to a man for 4 years whom i wanted to marry, i loved him and he promised we would, but when time for marriage came he told me his parents forced him to get enagged, later turned out he was using me, and had been engaged to a girl from pakistan the whole time. he promsied marriage, but he in turn left me, got married and now has a child after everything he put me though. he even appoached me after marriage for affair. i sometimes feel really sad, that ppl like this have been rewared with loving wife, children and are happy in marriage while we strguule to even find a proposal.
i will be 30 in a few weeks and makes me really sad that my life has panned out this way. the one thing i always wanted most was to become a mother, to be married, settled. i know its all written, but its hard. it hard to stay posisitve, happy. go about day to day when this plays on my mind. i dont know how to change my dads view. i dont know how or where to look myself.
is there any adivce anyone can offer.
i even got a proposal from a man who had been divroced. i was happy to consider, as this does not bother me, everyone makes mistakes and has a past, but my dad would not even consider it and casued great arguemnts 🙁 i feel at an end at what to do