Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feel helpless and hopless in abusive/careless fiancé!

Verbal abuseSalam, I know this is a bit long but please be patient as its very important and im sure many people go through similar experiences,

I have been seeing this man for 4 years now, elhamdulilah i kept my virginity until this day, so i dont feel stuck. One thing that stops me from leaving, is the amount of love that i still carry of how i remember him being as a person when i met him up until a year and half ago. also, how people are going to judge me as an engaged girl who has been with this guy for 4 years now. and i'm scared that mothers and other men will asume i'm a woman now and wont accept me if i were to be single.

How is he starting to treat me? Well ill start off by saying when i first met him at age 17 (he only being 4 years apart from me), he never used to tell me to shut up, he never hit me, he never was verbally abusive in any way. he actually used to say "i cant see myself beating on my wife".

So how am i at this point now? Lets just say he becomes EASILY stressed out and lets it get the best of him. I am a very positive person and he thinks very negitively, i truly till this day dont understand exactly how he got to that point but he says its because i dont listen to him and i dont understand him... but how do u listen to a guy who has a very bad temper and how do u understand a guy who can be unreasonable?

1. He demands me to do things for him in a rude manner, or careless manner, making me feel like a slave on a normal happy day.. coming out of no where. I do it.

2. when we get into little arguments he starts calling me names like "moron, donkey, idiot, f***ed up, b**ch, etc", which he never used to, but now he got used to it. He will also throw a slap here and there, and have gotten to the point where he has choked me, and he doesnt feel bad anymore, and never apologises. I never return the act back or call him names. he says words dont mean anything action speaks louder.... but i truly do not understand what i do to make him so mad? I just stand by opinions and choices of finishing college but because he wants children soon i am not listening to what he wants 4 once. I truly believe education is important for a women to have.  ( I personally think he has an organising disorder, he likes to plan details out on certain years, but forgets i have a life too?)

3. He has bashed my own mother to me now, grew hate towards her, even though she is known to be a good person very respected and loved by everyone, although the rest of my family are hated amongst the community, not 2 forget my mother has been in an abusive marriage and walked away from it and raised us on her own.

4. He became a gossiper and it seems that every girl in the community is a "slut". And he refused me to associate with some friends, which i did stop.

5. He denies hurting me when he clearly bruises me, he says i just bruise easily and that he is not really trying to hit me, or he's joking around sometimes.... but i dont see him laughing after he just threw a slap?

6. He has spat in my face before because i made the mistake of going through downtown 2 in the morning with a girlfriend of mine to get a shawarma because we were craving one and the only place openend was one which we had to pass downtown to get to.  I tried explaining that to him, he didnt care and slap to my face is what i deserved. It could have ended easily with an apology and i wouldnt do it again.

7. He has cheated on me once. i caught him over the phone left it on, talking in ways that i would have never imagined him doing, he admitted it was stupid and a way of cheating but he claimed it was an act to keep her distracted while his friend enjoys his time with her friend. which he stopped talking to that specific friend right after that. He did cry like a baby and wouldnt leave me alone until i forgave him but never forgot.. took a lot of pain and suffering to accept he made a stupid mistake and a lot of conivincing that he will never repeat it, and since then elhamdillah hes been good in that type of way.

8. I have written him letters, talked to him nicely, even put my foot down, tried every possible way to make him open his eyes and see that his behaviour isnt called love. He knows how to make you feel small in moments of arguments. Im a passionate person about life, but have gotten to the point of being suicidal but the only thing that stops me is Allah (swt).

I treat him 100x better then he does, i made the mistake of hitting him back one day just to show him how it feels and all he did was return it. He was never like this, he is known to be a really nice guy, but im the only one who sees this side of him.

I'm about to get married to him and i dont know what to do anymore because i feel that he has lost love 4 me but denies it, and lost that passionate or even tiny bit of care for me, but yet still claims to have it but i dont see it if hes doing this to me? I want to change him i just dont know how or what will open up his eyes and see what he has in front of him. i want him to appreciate me as im the type that all my friends run to for advise, or i get backstabbed and still stick by them. he yells at me 4 letting ppl take advantage of me but yet he takes too much advantage of me himself? His friends comment on how great of a person i am, I go out of my way to do good things for him. I have tried to talk to him countless times and had little meetings to change his behaviour but he gives me careless responses or he will just scream OK! and hug me and try to cuddle, but i cant get in that mood right the second if he doesnt acknowledge what has been hurting me.

He sometimes will say i wont change unless you change... BUT I TREAT HIM VERY GOOD! He hates the fact that i think im perfect which i dont.. i just dont treat him like he does so i feel perfect next 2 him, i know he still has that good in him but how do i bring it out? What should i do? Would i be wasting my time?

BY THE WAY, one thing i forgot to mention... i am a smoker now through the stress ive gone through with him, which he is a smoker too, but a heavy one... im not bad though i only smoke when stressed... he tells me i dont listen because he will tell me to quit it... but how do u quit when your always going to be around smoke? Very unreasonable.. am i wrong?

- Rola

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12 Responses »

  1. u have to leave this man. u are about to get married to him & how long will u be able to put with this kind of behaviour. it will destroy u.

    what will happen when u have kids. u cant let them grow up in a hell like this. its better to leave now, before its too late

  2. assalamualaikum...

    i agree..totally, ,,,,,

    Alhamdullillah you are not married yet...

    still have time to move don't deserve to be beaten even if he is a husband..


  3. Asalaamualaikum Sister Rola

    What a horrid situation you are in. Have you read the number of posts on here where women are mistreated by their 'husbands' and are asking us if its 'OK' for them to get divorced, or they are saying that they feel guilty divorcing because they have children etc. You are so very lucky that you're not married to this man!

    Rola - this man is clearly mistreating you, you know that, so I don't need to try and convince you.

    But you said: "i know he still has that good in him but how do i bring it out? What should i do? Would i be wasting my time?"

    Rola, no-one is perfect; everyone has good and bad in them. BUT we have to use our common sense to assess how bad the 'bad' side is and how good the good side is. If you manage to find that good side in him again, but he continues beating you, will you be happy? Wanting to marry him depsite all this, is not 'love' - it may be 'lust' or a 'habit' of receiving his attention.

    I know a young sister who wasted 5 years of her precious life on waiting for an extremely verbally abusive man to decide whether his mother would allow him to marry her or not. What kept her waiting for him? When she first met him, she had had two very deep conversations with him about religion and family. After that, till the time that he left her 5 years later, he was a verbally abusive monster. She loved what she had seen in him in those two conversations and kept 'trying to bring that good back out in him'. Well 5 years later, she was left with a broken heart and with no confidence whatsoever, because she had allowed herself to continue being abused by his words.

    Rola, this man IS ABUSING you; you cannot change him by giving him yourself as a punch-bag, in fact you cannot change anyone but yourself. Respect yourself by being who you are, protect yourself and love yourself as a human being and then let others come to your way. Allah has given us all tools of wisdom and He has shown you that this man is abusive before you have even married him - if he is an abusive fiance, he will be an abusive husband too.

    There is a very important matter that I havent mentioned yet, and that is about your relationship with Allah. You have not mentioned anything about deen or about the sins you are committing with this man. Put all the verbal abuse to one side for a moment. Maintaining your virginity is great, but this does not mean that you are not sinning. What is your relationship with this man like? If you are emotionally or physically intimate with him, then you are sinning. You are abusing yourself in a greater way by engaging in a haraam relationship with this man - you are disobeying Allah greatly. Do you know how damaging this is for your soul? If you correct your relationship with Allah, Allah will help you see clearly that this man is not good for you.

    As for you worrying about what people will think about your status as a single or engaged woman, it doesnt matter what anyone thinks - what matters is what is between you and Allah and if you leave this person because you want to lead a more pious, respectful, happy and healthy life - who cares what anyone thinks? Will you sacrifice your health, self respect, happiness and sanity just to stop people's tongues from wagging? Tongues will always wag - ignore them.

    Rola - the real problem is that you are emotionally attached to this man, he has become a habit for you and you have lost respect for yourself as you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly. The only way to stop him from hurting you is by you removing yourself from this situation by leaving him - you cannot change him. But yes, you can change yourself, you can improve yourself by turning to Allah.

  4. Salaam dearest sister,

    I am sad that you are going through this and I fully agree with everything Sister Z says above me.

    You say: "I’m scared that mothers and other men will assume I’m a woman now and won’t accept me if i were to be single." This is a very common statement of abused women who have been brainwashed by their partners into believing they hold little or no value because of some invented reason, such as long engagement or something like this. This is not a truth, but a fear so please acknowledge that.

    If you really love this man and insist on being with him, I would strongly recommend that you begin a distancing process with him and create some barriers between the two of you so that you may regain some control, power and autonomy in this relationship - because at the moment it sounds as though you have given in to his will and are suffering badly as a result of it. Once you have created distance, and gained power both in yourself and in the relationship - then you will be able to negotiate with him with strength and conviction how you expect to be treated, and demand that he see a counselor about his anger problem if you want to make this work.

    If he refuses to accept that he has a problem, refuses to see a counselor or negotiate with you, then you are most likely in a relationship with someone who has some form of personality disorder which will only get worse over time and put you in a great deal of danger, not just danger of pain but danger of death. It is not my intention to scare you , but I have a responsibility to let you know that in 2007, the most common cause of death for women under age 44 was domestic violence – that’s more than cancer and more than road accidents.

    Rola, to summarize, I strongly advise that you create physical and emotional distance to gain confidence and strength in yourself and reconnect with the reality that your potential for your future will not be badly damaged by this engagement. I advise that you use this distance to enable you to negotiate with him so that he will gain counseling, and then if he does so - to wait for a significant improvement before marrying. If he rejects counseling do not pursue marriage under any circumstances, maintain your distance and seperate from him.


  5. Assalamualaikum.

    Inspiring advice from Sister Z and Leyla...Inshallah other sisters out there have chance to read inspiring comments like this.

    I am also on the same situation,,,but without the beating issue, i have also loved my "husband" dearly.. and i can never see anything wrong with him and were blind to see the reality of the real him... being selfish and always want to make sure for the good of himself...Alhamdullillah....ALLAH (SWT) let my eyes open to the real world with him..because of my love to him,, i am accepting whatever he will do or give without thinking of my own self...i am not even fighting for my right as a wife and a woman..

    Islam teach us all of this...and Allah is the Most Merciful if we turned unto HIM alone... He will open our eyes with the truth and will give us wisdom..but its OUR CHOICE...

    if you choose to be with him continuously, its your choice...for ALLAH is showing you signs to be away from him and not to marry him...

    As one of my classmate in islamic center said, ALLAH will sometimes takes the one we dearly love and the nearest to our heart... for he have something in stored for us which will be better or the best for us... and he wants us to know how we will deal with the fitnah that is coming to us..

    BE WISE...its in front of your eyes to be away from this man...Patience...sometimes we don't want to lose somebody because we have shared lots of things with them....our love that we shared... the LOVE that DECEIVED our hearts and minds...

    moving on is difficult...but when you feel like losing the rope... hold and read the quran....cry as much as you can find all answers there...with all of your sadness and pains...

    and one day,,, you will never notice that you were not affected anymore by this person...

    and you will be in peace...because you know that ALLAH will never forsake you nor hurt you...

    its like hitting two birds with one stone... you will be shielded from the desperation of marriage into this guy... and you will be closer to our Creator.

    I was once there... and Alhamdullillah i am moving on now... but pray also for this guy...for Allah to touch his heart... and change himself.


  6. Assalamu alaikum,

    Sister, I am always amazed when I hear about women who continue to stay in situations that are so destructive to them physically and mentally. It seems that there is always this feeling that he will change, he is a good person or that you did something wrong. The reality of it all is that the only thing that you did wrong was to stay in this relationship as long as you have.

    Any man who would do that to you is not really a man. You should not put up with this whether you are married to him or not. Where is your self esteem. I will tell you. It appears that he has done his best to make you believe that you have no self worth and that he is supposed to keep you in your place.

    Don't let this man treat you like this. Get away from him today. I am sure that you have so much to offer to another brother who will really appreciate you for who you are. Please sister, don't even think about marrying him. Nothing good can possibly come of this.

    The one thing I did not read in your note was whether or not you called on Allah (swt) for help. You have to trust in Allah and ask for guidance.

    Also if you have family or friends please ask for assistance before this situation get's worse.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Carter

  7. Hey big sis can u plz leave him...please!!!!!!!!!!!! man has the right to treat a woman like that....he doesnt love you...he just scared he wont found another person like you that would put up wit scared this is what the woman love felt about me...she thought i wouldnt be mr nice guy no more :(....and your story hurts me reading it....he not worth it....if his kisses are rough as slap, if his touch is as hard as a punch and if his hugs are like a choke hold...he not worth it bharj 🙁

  8. the woman i loved felt dat wat i wud become*

  9. salaam,
    firstly i just wanna say u seem like such a strong and loyal person from reading that, i know u might think leaving him would be really bad islamically and socially but the beauty of Islam is that it recognises that everybody makes mistakes therefore if u leave him you can just repent. whether you stay with him or not it won't make being with him for 4 years any less halal.
    secondly being with someone for 4 years you obviously grow attachment to them therefore it is gonna be hard for you to walk away but it is the right thing to do you just have to build the courage to do it. even if you do try to walk away he might act like hes gonna change and say the sweetest things but please dont buy any of it.
    you seem like a sister with strong faith therefore u should know that you shouldn't struggle for anyone but Allah.
    you have given your all to this man and the fact that he doesn't recognise it shows he doesn't love you.

    you shouldn't think about anyone but yourself..its your ten years time you can look back at this situation and just be relieved or you can look back asking yourself why didn't you leave when you had the chance?

  10. I read all of this and it makes me very sad. Just leave him. Every woman deserves to have their prince charming no matter who they are. obviously he is not prince charming. If you doubt love in your relationship the that person is not the one for you. I have been in abusive relationship before. Now when I date a guy if he has bad quailties that I can see becoming a issue. I leave him. Everyone will find mr. right eventually.
    take care,
    Mary Jane

  11. Salam Alaikom SISTER,
    I totally agree with all the answers. You should be strong and just leave him. You deserve better life! He will loose a girl like you. No one loves his future wife and will treated her such way. Be honest with yourself, are you ready to start over and look for another chance in life!? there are plenty of nice guys who are looking for a girl like you! Ha,dolillah that you aren't married yet. Being a women or still a girl won't changw thing! You deserve to be happy! GOOD LUCK

  12. Salaam, you MUST leave him, take some time to find yourself again and heal from this trauma.
    My dear sister in Islam this man's behaviour towards you are big warning signs from Allah
    dont ignore them.

    Imagine if you were married to him and you had children, would you like your children to witness this ?
    Best wishes

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