Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Broken hearted over my breakup from a Muslim boy, thinking of suicide

Science class at an Islamic school for girls

Science class at an Islamic school for girls

Question:

I went to Egypt as an exchange student 2 years ago, I was born and raised in england and had my western ways. I was wild and crazy and most of all, I was very naive. I was sent to an Islamic international private school and enjoyed my days going clubbing and hitting on guys. I was just a typical English girl.

I had a few close friends, one Libyan girl from canada, and 2 very islamic crazy african girls who I loved and love to death. The Libyan girl was a bit like me except for the drinking and clubbing part and the african girls always told me to stop and were more than sisters almost like mothers to me.

Well, anyways, one of the african girls, her name was khadija, she had a friend named ali, they talked alot and she always told me how funny he is and that he lived in US and now is studying engeenering in the american university in cairo.

I always just laghed with her but never was seriously interested in meeting or talking to him. The thing with that guy was that, he only texted, he never wanted to talk on the phone, but one day khadija used my phone to call him since he didnt know my number, when he picked up and said hello we all started laughing like little girls and he hung up again and texted back to my phone and simply said "nice try". I thought it was quite amusing and my days had become boring since I stopped all the nonsense I used to do.

Well, from that day on we texted eachother everyday and even nights, it was like we had a connection. He had never had a girlfriend before and was one of those good guys, not a perfect muslim but religious, and gave me advice and listened to my problems and so on, we became really close after a few months that he started calling me as well.

One october day I had to leave the country really fast though because my father was sick in england and we didnt know how bad it was, he still called me when I was there and was a big support. When I came back in january the next year, we were still in touch frequently and decided to meet up in febuary.

And so we did, I'll never forget that day, 15th febuary 2009..  After that day, we met almost everyday, he missed classes for me, we were crazy about each other. We wanted to get married right away, we wanted to tell the whole world how much we love each other, but of course, we were both mature enough to keep it on the low. We never intended to have sex, we were both too scared of God and of sex itself, we talked about it alot though, we were really open, he swore to me he would never have sex with me, he wouldn't do that to me, the respect he had for my body made me love him even more.

I loved everything about us even the fights we had. When I missed my flight one day he paid for my ticket to get back home for vacation. Just a darling that guy. In july, I had to leave egypt for good and move back to england.

Thats when everything started, now thinking about it, I blame myself but let me just start, i told him that I might never see him again, that one of us might die or fall out of love even though what we had felt so unique and special, what can I say, its young love, and that I wanna wake up next to him at least once before I leave. That was about 4 weeks before I left.. Almost everyday from that day on, we slept in a hotel together, and one day we started having sex frequently. We felt closer to each other afterwards but only 3 weeks after I left and was back in england he called me crying and told me had cheated on me.

I was devastated and heartbroken and even though I forgave him we still had problems in our relationship, I was mean to him and we always fought. Long distance just didnt work for us, until december 2009, I felt like I was losing him cause he started talking about other girls but always told me there as nothing going on. I believed him but still had my doubts. And then he stopped calling me, emailing me, texting me and only did so when I asked him to. He cared less and less and less, but when I asked him whats wrong he still told me he loved me and that I was his baby and his everything.

I'm not stupid I knew exactly what was up. I just knew it, I had changed my life for him. My dad is dead sick and I've been going through so much, I have trouble concentarting in school and am losing faith in everything and Ali was just what gave me strenght, but he took that from me.

Today, I called him crying cause I just couldnt take it anymore, he had become so mean and unfair towards me and I cried and I told him I love him and I'm worried and I just wanna know what wrong with him, why is he being so distant. And he cried too, and felt so guilty. He told me he couldn't tell me the truth cause it was too bad and he doesnt wanna hurt me, I told him that he's hurting me already and that no matter what it is for the sake of our love I'll forgive him and even if he doesnt wanna be with me anymore, I'll be there for him as his best friend. But he still refused to tell me and simply said he'll tell me when he's ready, I asked him if its about a girl again and he just repeated that he'll let me know when he's ready.

I didnt wanna push but when I hung up the phone I made a decision. And that decision is that, even though everything I've gone through not only with him but with my family has made me stronger, believe in Allah more, pray more but, I can't do it anymore. I've become an object with no feelings, I'm failing every class in uni and I dont even care. I'm just emotionless, he took everything I believed in from me. And.  I knew that it was going to happen, but I didnt care enough to stop while it was.

My decision is that, I dont wanna live anymore. And I'm writing this for my family to understand why I did what I'm about to do, when they find me, they will read this first, then I want them to go on my blog and read what I wrote there. But before I do what I so badly want to do, I want an answer, another option, just something to give me faith. If there is no such thing you can offer me through your knowledge of islam, I really do not see another solution. You have no idea how I feel, used, dirty, hopless, torn, ...

- Jamilaa

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Jamilaaa, I read into the end of your post that you are considering suicide. Before we even get into the substance of your post, I want to beg you, plead with you, not to make the impossibly huge mistake of attempting to kill yourself. Suicide is a cardinal sin in Islam, and you would deprive yourself of any chance for repentance if you make this rash move. I know you feel like now your heart is broken, but I implore you to stop and simply do nothing, rather than ruin your life and afterlife, and break the hearts of your family and friends.

They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may seem like there is no hope, and that you'll never feel whole again, but you are, as you even said in the title of your post, making clouded judgments with a clouded mind. STOP. Wait, even if it hurts. Killing yourself will not stop the pain. You will merely substitute the pain of your emotional situation for the torment of the grave.

Bad decisions, but not hopeless

Think about all you have said. The situation that you allowed yourself to get into was a direct result of your distance from Allah and the fact that you were not practicing your Islam. You made a series of bad decisions, and this young man did as well, and as a consequence of that you both did things you regret. Yes, this is serious, and yes, it will take time to heal from this situation. But it is NOT hopeless. I know that you cannot see past your pain, but you have to for the sake of your own soul. Do not take this action, this disbelieving action. Are you going to let SOME GUY cause you to put yourself in the Hellfire? Why are you letting someone else have power over you like that? You have made this young man your god, astaghfirullah, because you have made him more powerful than Allah by saying you give him the power to cause your death. You should not be in despair; you should be angry. Angry at yourself, and angry at him for being weak and not being the Muslim man he should have been.

I don't want you to turn that anger into useless grief or self-flagellation. Rather, make that anger productive. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you were stupid, that you are too smart and too blessed to be a Muslimah to allow yourself to be brought down by this situation.

Forgiveness

Then, turn to Allah and ask His forgiveness, for He is al Gafuur, the One Who Forgives. Do not think that the sins you committed put you beyond the pale of forgiveness, for Allah's Messenger, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, tells us in a hadith:

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say: Allah the Almighty said:

O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it. (It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.

The gate of taubah, repentance, is open for you, if you have the strength to go through it. You will have to make this journey by yourself, but you will not be alone, for as you come closer to Allah, He will come closer to you:

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (PBUH) said: Allah the Almighty said:
I am as My servant thinks I am (1). I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed. It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).

I know you are feeling guilty and used and worthless, but you must set aside these emotions and resolve to turn your life around. The feelings will take time to fade, but you must make this effort so that you may return to physical and mental health. You have learned a hard lesson, that disobeying Allah has harsh consequences, but you also have the opportunity to overcome the mistakes you have made.

Remember, among the pagan Arabs it was the habit for parents to kill their female children because they were viewed as having no worth. Yet, these same people who had previously killed their children repented for their bad deeds and submitted to Allah by embracing Islam. If Allah can forgive such as serious sin, surely He can forgive you.

Make life changes

Your job now is to take stock of your life. I suggest that you take a sabbatical from university; claim illness or family problems and just put that on hold for a while. Tell your family just enough about your situation so that they give you some space, but do not blog about this and do not tell them the full extent of your mistake, lest they change their view of you. Keep this sin between you and Allah.

Keep to the five daily prayers. Fast on Mondays and Thursdays, and the three days in the middle of the lunar month. Take care of your body by eating healthy food and getting enough sleep. Keep yourself busy by surrounding yourself with strong Muslim women who can help you learn your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim woman. Also, do a lot of volunteer charity work, because this will keep you busy and help you to develop a deep concern for others, so you can see that you are not in a worse situation that others. Do all this even if you don't feel it yet. Healing takes time, sometimes moreso for emotional wounds. But just as you can be confident that a broken bone will heal in time, you can be confident that if you start giving Allah His due, then He will reward you with peace.

Please feel free to contact us as you travel on your path to healing. We do not want to lose you. You are a beloved servant of Allah, and you deserve to become the best that you can.

Please also read this comprehensive answer our colleague Wael gave to a young lady suffering from depression. It has very important information and advice:

http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/depressed-and-suicidal/

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com


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17 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Jamilaaa, I read into the end of your post that you are considering suicide. Before we even get into the substance of your post, I want to beg you, plead with you, not to make the impossibly huge mistake of attempting to kill yourself. Suicide is a cardinal sin in Islam, and you would deprive yourself of any chance for repentance if you make this rash move. I know you feel like now your heart is broken, but I implore you to stop and simply do nothing, rather than ruin your life and afterlife, and break the hearts of your family and friends.

    They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may seem like there is no hope, and that you'll never feel whole again, but you are, as you even said in the title of your post, making clouded judgments with a clouded mind. STOP. Wait, even if it hurts. Killing yourself will not stop the pain. You will merely substitute the pain of your emotional situation for the torment of the grave.

    Think about all you have said. The situation that you allowed yourself to get into was a direct result of your distance from Allah and the fact that you were not practicing your Islam. You made a series of bad decisions, and this young man did as well, and as a consequence of that you both did things you regret. Yes, this is serious, and yes, it will take time to heal from this situation. But it is NOT hopeless. I know that you cannot see past your pain, but you have to for the sake of your own soul. Do not take this action, this disbelieving action. Are you going to let SOME GUY cause you to put yourself in the Hellfire? Why are you letting someone else have power over you like that? You have made this young man your god, astaghfirullah, because you have made him more powerful than Allah by saying you give him the power to cause your death. You should not be in despair; you should be angry. Angry at yourself, and angry at him for being weak and not being the Muslim man he should have been.

    I don't want you to turn that anger into useless grief or self-flagellation. Rather, make that anger productive. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you were stupid, that you are too smart and too blessed to be a Muslimah to allow yourself to be brought down by this situation. Then, turn to Allah and ask His forgiveness, for He is al Gafuur, the One Who Forgives. Do not think that the sins you committed put you beyond the pale of forgiveness, for Allah's Messenger, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, tells us in a hadith:

    On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say: Allah the Almighty said:
    O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.
    It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.

    The gate of taubah, repentance, is open for you, if you have the strength to go through it. You will have to make this journey by yourself, but you will not be alone, for as you come closer to Allah, He will come closer to you:
    On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (PBUH) said: Allah the Almighty said:
    I am as My servant thinks I am (1). I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed. It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).
    I know you are feeling guilty and used and worthless, but you must set aside these emotions and resolve to turn your life around. The feelings will take time to fade, but you must make this effort so that you may return to physical and mental health. You have learned a hard lesson, that disobeying Allah has harsh consequences, but you also have the opportunity to overcome the mistakes you have made.
    Remember, among the pagan Arabs it was the habit for parents to kill their female children because they were viewed as having no worth. Yet, these same people who had previously killed their children repented for their bad deeds and submitted to Allah by embracing Islam. If Allah can forgive such as serious sin, surely He can forgive you.
    Your job now is to take stock of your life. I suggest that you take a sabbatical from university; claim illness or family problems and just put that on hold for a while. Tell your family just enough about your situation so that they give you some space, but do not blog about this and do not tell them the full extent of your mistake, lest they change their view of you. Keep this sin between you and Allah.
    Keep to the five daily prayers. Fast on Mondays and Thursdays, and the three days in the middle of the lunar month. Take care of your body by eating healthy food and getting enough sleep. Keep yourself busy by surrounding yourself with strong Muslim women who can help you learn your rights and responsibilities as a Muslim woman. Also, do a lot of volunteer charity work, because this will keep you busy and help you to develop a deep concern for others, so you can see that you are not in a worse situation that others. Do all this even if you don't feel it yet. Healing takes time, sometimes moreso for emotional wounds. But just as you can be confident that a broken bone will heal in time, you can be confident that if you start giving Allah His due, then He will reward you with peace.
    Please feel free to contact us as you travel on your path to healing. We do not want to lose you. You are a beloved servant of Allah, and you deserve to become the best that you can.

    Please also read this comprehensive answer our colleague Wael gave to a young lady suffering from depression. It has very important information and advice:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/depressed-and-suicidal/

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  2. first of all you should know damn well most guys are after one thing, and after they get what they want they will just move up. you said i have no idea what you goin through? theres people i kno who are in a worst situation then you, but not even once did they say about suicide. since you studying i can tel your really immature and selfish for that matter. have you thought about your mothers feeling? sister/brother feeling? how do you think they will react when they find out you killed yourself for petty thing?

    if you happen go to the mexican borders or any poor countrys you will find kids with no food, no cloths, no parents, no shelter,no education and NO FUTURE!! but still they are clinging on to life cos they want to live, but you in the other hand got a roof over your head, got food, got education and you still got a family, dont you realise how blessed you are?

    if you think death will solve your problems, then you are mistaken lady, cos thats just the beginning, if your a muslim then you should know about the punishment of the grave, and hell fire.

    best thing to do now is practice islam from scratch, i kno your in pain but in time it will heal, one more thing dont let guys sweet talk you so they could get in your pants.

    "we are all destined to die, so there is no need to rush to our deaths"

    i was gonna send you a link but cant find, its bout scientist tryin to find out if there is an after life. one woman who was the test subject was injected with a lethal injection but was revived within 15mins, and she told her horric glimpse where she was getting tortued, her limbs was gettin torn apart, bad smell. the lady is traumatised and now shes in a hospital. this was a forbidden experiment and can get prosecuted, but the point is there is an after life so make the good deeds now while you got a chance.

    if there anythin you need to kno feel free the bros and sis on this site are here to help you, so dont be afraid no one will judge you.

    peace.......

  3. Sister,
    You are going through the grief cycle - please google it to find out more. Your are grieving many things right now, and it is no wonder that you are feeling overwhelmed.
    I have also reached the poit if no return - and came to the same conclusions as you. I recommend you take the sisters advice: I went to Cambodia and then Thailand. In Cambodia what I saw and felt shocked me into seeing what I have in my life.
    Because you know what sister? You still have a future. There are people who dont even have a future in the world, and that future is whatever you make of it. Dont waste it by making a funeral, that would be a terrible waste, a terrible waste indeed.
    God bless you and keep you,
    Jasmine

  4. Asalaamualaikum

    Jamilaa I just read your post. I have not fully read the replies from the brothers and sisters because I feel an urgency to want to talk to you and to stop you in your tracks before you do something foolish. I pray the advice Sister Noorah and the others have given you has had a positive affect on you.

    Please please please - do not do anything to harm yourself. I can see you are crying out for help more than anything.

    Allah says in the The Noble Qur'an - An-Nisa 4:29

    ...And do not kill yourselves (nor kill one another). Surely, Allah is Most Merciful to you.

    Sister, you think that no-one can contemplate or understand the pain you are feeling? You feel worthless and dirty and can't stand yourself at the moment. You feel used and you feel that you just have to do something. Maybe what you want to really achieve by taking your life is to hurt this guy because he hurt you. But it really doesnt work like that. He may feel hurt and guilty for a while, but soon enough he'll move on and forget. Your family will be left feeling your absence and you will be suffering more in the hereafter. So what will be the victory in that. You will have taken your life in self-pity - nothing else. You will also eventually be forgotten as people begin to get on with their lives. What a waste - seriously.

    This post you have written is clearly a plea/cry for help. You want some to hear you and to help you understand what you are feeling. Sister, there is not a single soul who at some point in their lives has not also been heart broken in some way. Some people are stronger than others, some are weaker - and depending on our strength we deal in different ways. But ultimately, turning towards Allah and time are what heal. Its been tried and tested since man set foot on earth.

    You are in mourning at the moment - because you are suffering a loss. You need to share this with some friends so you can release your emotions in a healthier manner. Blocking up how you feel will not help you. So talk about how angry, hurt, used, dejected you feel, question things, cry it out - but do let it out. Talk to your friends and also Sis, talk to Allah... You may think that sounds silly, but He created us, so He knows us better that anyone. Talk to him directly. He wants you to turn to Him.

    Seek comfort in knowing that Allah is watching over you. If you feel guilty for the sins you have committed - that is a blessing. Allah(swt) tests those He 'loves'. You may think you have failed the previous tests because of the sins you committed with that guy. But, the tests are more on-going in your life now than ever before. Its not always about the sin you committed, its more about how you react to it afterwards.

    You are standing at a cross road now where you are being tested again. You have two choices, one halaal and one terribly haraam.

    Allah's Messenger said, "Do not wish for death, for the terror of the place whence one looks down is severe. It is part of a man's happiness that his life should be long and Allah Who is Great and Glorious, should supply him with repentance."

    Allah is giving you the chance to take the test again. He(swt) wants you to prove yourself because He loves you. Allah(swt) knows how much pain you are feeling.

    Its seems that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There wont be any light if you take your precious life. The torment you are going through now will be nothing compared to what you will suffer in the hereafter as a punishment for committing suicide which is a major sin. And the hereafter that Allah has promised is real.

    It has been narrated: there was amongst those before you a man who had a wound. He was in [such] anguish that he took a knife and made with it a cut in his hand, and the blood did not cease to flow till he died. Allah the Almighty said: "My servant has himself forestalled Me; I have forbidden him Paradise".

    Allah forgives us all, Jamilaa. Turn to Him and He will create so many opportunities for you. Beg Him to forgive you.

    On the authority of Anas, who said: I heard the messenger of Allah say:

    Allah the Almighty has said: "O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as its."

    Sister Noorah has also spoken about repentance, read and reflect upon her wise words. Seek comfort in Allah's Word and in His promise of Forgiveness and Mercy - it is true.

    You are at university, so you must be academically intelligent. You could use your knowledge, intellect to help people who are less fortunate than you. You could help people who have physical disabilities, you could earn money and help to feed the poor. You could use your experience to educate young girls like yourself about the situation you have been through and help stop them from falling too. You could learn about your deen...if you start realising the Blessings of Allah and then show gratefulness.

    You are a Muslim and are loved by Allah. You are a young, healthy woman and have so much going for you. You have a family that love you, you have a roof over your head, you have the ability to study, to work. You have a responsibility to look after the gift of life that Allah has so mercifully given you. DO NOT let your decisions be lead by the way this cheating guy has treated you. By taking your life, you will be trading any chance you have of going to Jannah.

    Let your decisions be lead by what Allah wants for you.

    Dear sister Jamilaa - wake up and look around you. When you put your situation into perspective, it is so small compared to what is happening around you. What happened in Haiti last week. Those poor people, most of whom were living in difficult conditions already, had the earth literally swept away from under their feet. They did not have the chance to think, or repent when the earthquake struck. And the ones who did survive, they have lost loved ones, they have no food, water, shelter - but they are still getting on.

    You have time to think. You have health, food, water, shelter, family...and more than all of that, you are still a Muslim.

    Think of your separation from this guy as an earthquake in your life, and then thank Allah that you are still alive.

    My dream: I will share a dream I had with you some years ago. I saw that I was at home in my front room with my family, we were talking and getting on. When all of a sudden, the house started to sway back and forth, as though the earth was falling apart below me. It felt as though it was judgement day and we were all going to die. It was an extremely terrifying feeling.

    I stood up in fear and whilst holding my nephew's hand, I started desperately reciting Allahu Akbar and Shahaadah aloud and also encouraged my family to do the same. The house continued shaking/swaying but we continued reciting.

    After a while, the house gradually stopped moving Alhumdulillah and I woke up in a state of fear - but I was still reciting aloud. Despite the fear, I also felt comfort. Deep down, I knew that Allah was clearly telling me that if I turned towards Him and remained steadfast and patient in doing so, my difficulties would eventually leave me.

    Anas (b. Malik) reported Allah's Messenger as saying: None of you should make a request for death because of the trouble in which he is involved, but if there is no other help to it, then say: O Allah, keep me alive as long as there is goodness in life for me and bring death to me when there is goodness in death for me.

    Dear Sister - please feel free to contact any of us if you want to or need to talk...inshaAllah we will try to help you.

    May you find peace and tranquility through the rememberance of Allah(swt).

    SisterZ

  5. PS: Jamilaa, one very important thing I forgot to mention is this.

    At the moment you feel an extreme urge to do 'something'. You're not quite sure what that 'something' is, but quite clearly you are going towards doing something destructive.

    This feeling of just wanting to 'something', is not alien to myself or to anyone. It may sound silly, but at this time, if what we feel like doing is clearly 'haraam' - then we should just do nothing. Otherwise you are letting your emotions rule your actions.

    'Doing nothing' at this time is one of the most difficult things to do.

    But if you manage it - this is called SABR. And it is loved by Allah very much. Allah promises reward for this sabr - because of the difficulty in achieving it. Once you get over this difficult bridge - you will find peace inshaAllah.

    "Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere..." (Surah Baqarah 2: 155)

    Imam al-Sadiq (a) said: "When the believer enters his grave, salat is on his right hand, zakat on his left, virtue faces him, with sabr taking him under its shelter. When the two angels encharged with questioning enter upon him, sabr says to salat, zakat and virtue, aTake care of your companion, and if you fail to assist him I will take care of him myself."[Ibid, hadith: 8]

    Imam aAli (a) said: "The one who practices sabr will never be deprived of success, even though it may take a long time." [Nahjul Balagha, saying: 153]

    Imam 'Ali (a) said, "The Messenger of Allah (s) said: "Sabr is of three kinds: sabr at the time of affliction, sabr in regard to obedience, and sabr in regard to disobedience (of Allah). And the third one is superior to the first two kinds." [Al-Kulayni, al Kafi, vol. 2, bab al sabr, hadith: 15]

    Imam Reza (a) said: (among the exhortations of Prophet (s) to Abu Dharr (ra): ""¦If you are able to act for the pleasure (rida) of Allah with firm conviction, than do so. And if this is not possible for you than practice sabr on unpleasant matters as it will bring plenty of blessings." [Al-Majlisi, Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 82, p. 136, hadith: 21]

    Pray this:

    "On no soul does Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith." (Surah Baqarah, 2: 286)

    Try sis...and please do let us know that you are ok....
    xxx

  6. After I wrote my post, I was just ready to go, I even felt happy. I felt happy that I was going to do something to myself, it scared me right then. And I guess thats when I realized that, like brother Ahmed said, there are people who've got it so much worse. I was ready to do something to myself because of something that just was not worth it. Its funny how Ali always said it himself; Nothings permanent baby, so don't beat yourself up about this. HA! The past 2 days weren't exactly easy for me, I just did a lot of thinking and I talked to my mum, she's been through a lot, and I just realized the damage I would've made if I really did take my life. I just didn't have anybody I could turn to, somebody that would listen to what I have to say and understand and give me the answers I needed, I really just needed attention. Most of my friends are Christians and the few muslim friends I have would never look at me twice if I told them what I had done. It was all easier when I lived in egypt but here its just, hard. I never appreciated being around muslims as much as I would now, cause I've heard the kind of solutions these people have for they're problems, it must have influenced me in a way. I just read all your replies and I am so deeply grateful. I should have never even considered it but I just feel really, I don't know how to explain. I confessed a lot of what I did to my mum, not the sex part but a lot of other things. Not out of guilt, I've found ignorance to deal with my guilt but because I felt like it was getting too much. She was really angry and hurt and I lost her trust, it meant alot but I feel better now, its so much easier when you know you have so little to hide. I'm looking for help, I really just need help. Ali was just the tip of the iceberg, he was the shoulder I leaned on when my uncle died, when my dad had a heart attack, the racism I've faced, the bullying in school cause I was considered a whore, the hypocrite and liar I've become. I know I need help, I can see what a bad person I am, I always remember allah, I do but its just my lack of sincerity, I've found ways to deal with my feeling of guilt and sorrow that it doesn't bother me the way I want it to. I force myself to cry, I even forced myself to cry when my dad had another heart attack last week, I've just become so emotionless. I don't want to complain, I really don't want to. It feels so odd that I'm complaining on this site because I've never complained about any of this to anybody because I felt like it was something I had to deal with myself, but I can see that I can't do it myself. I need closure and a new start, and I really appreciate all the answers you've given me and I hope in time Allah will forgive me and I'll find my peace, it was sick of me to even consider death as a way out..

    • salam jamilaa...
      i'm a 21 year old student, whom currently facing the same problem like you.. i'm a foreigner student in alexandria egypt right now, with a broken, and just need some sisterly help. can we contact each other? is it allowed on this site? i'm sorry i don't know the rules of the site, hope no one will be mad. i just need help.. i did post a question, http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/love-my-parents-family-but-love-him-too/ maybe you could help

      • Mira,

        If you write your comments on your own post, insha'Allah you will continue to get responses there. We do not allow the exchange of email addresses.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com

  7. Asalaamualaikum...

    Phew Jamilaa!!!...I was so happy when I saw your name on the site...smiles all over, honestly!!!!

    Alhumdulillah...you have got over the worst part, you did sabr. InshaAllah, you will get through the rest aswell. This is all a learning curve and you will come out stronger... : )

    You have been through a lot Jamilaa - with being bullied, the rascism, your father's illness, your uncle's death, the feeling of guilt, not liking yourself - I do understand. You just want to run away and start fresh, but can't. We have to face whats happening - and its terribly hard, but gets easier with time.

    It helps when we have people around us to face the situation. Talking to your mum was a very positive thing to do. No matter what she feels about it - atleast its out of your system and you feel lighter Alhumdulillah. Do you have a good friend to confide in?

    Whatever you have been through; no-one has the right to judge you, but they still judge you anyway. You have been through alot and have fallen in to making mistakes/sins. That does not make you a bad person, but it means you fell weak in eemaan. Do tawbah and put your trust in Allah. Think of this as your rehab time. You are feeling a little better now, but you will most probably have extremely low times aswell; its normal in such a situation. But it will get easier inshaAllah.

    Maybe counselling would be beneficial for you.
    xxx

    • Salams, I love reading your posts. Really true and insightful. Keep doing what you do sister, May Allah swt reward you for all the good you do and keep us all out of harms way.

      Salamat,

      Your Sister R

  8. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

    "Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent."
    (al-Tirmidhi, 2499; hasan by al-Albaani.)

    • Salaams, is it possible if I can get the email of the individual who replied with the hadeeths and helped the sister out. I have been going through some personal problems that I feel maybe she can help me out wtih.
      Jazakallah

      • Mohammed, we don't do that, but you can log in and write your question as a post, and we'll publish it in turn Insha'Allah and try to answer.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. For you Jamilaa, my dear sweet sister,

    InshaAllah by Maher Zain...

  10. Listen-up, Sis: Suicide is NOT an option! Not at this point in time. Diving into an illicit relationship WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN, now THAT’s what was suicidal! But now is time to rescue oneself, not descend deeper into the chasm – unless you’re cool with the horrors of Hellfire! Meanwhile, nothing will have changed here; you would not even have made a political statement because, you see, “life” is for living beings. Suicide is for losers! Speaking of which, would YOU desire a relationship with a loser?

    Unless they are total morons, women circulating in the “meat market” know what men want! Almost every woman on the planet knows what all (Allright! OK - Most) men want. They've been warned. They've known the answer to that one since grade school. They watch TV, see movies, read books, talk to other people, and if nothing else, they've taken note of the well-known fact that 86.5% of all the sites to be found on the Internet are nothing but porn. In the words of a meat-sampling connoisseur, “Women may seem irrational—but they’re not stupid! They know exactly what men want, and they know that men will do anything to get it. In fact, half of them are just waiting for men to prove what a revolting piece of dog crap they are so they can shout ‘AHHH, HAAAA!’ while pointing their finger at us (men) in melodramatic triumph and throwing us (men) out of their life – once boredom sets in”.

    On the flip side, women often wait until they’re given even the flimsiest excuse to justify premarital intimacy: “We’re so RIGHT for each other … You’re not like the rest … I feel so good with you … We’ll get married, anyway …” (Ya Right, Sweetie! Not necessarily to each other!). Then again, there are women, with just as strong urges who chose to be modest, voluntarily exercise restraint, and “who guard the intimacy which God has [ordained to be] guarded”.(Sura An-Nisa 4:34).

    Heartaches, blemished pride, dishonor, feeling dirty, “being used”, etc., etc., are just a price one pays for dabbling in a risky game (and that’s just what it is: a game) that Islam forbids; a crime punishable under Sharia Law. A game that YOU KNEW BEFOREHAND would eventually be catastrophic but “didn’t care enough to stop”.

    There are numerous Hadith prohibiting free-mixing of sexes, e.g., “Narrated Ibn Abbas: That he heard the Prophet (PBUH) saying, “It is not permissible for a man to be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram (father, brother, etc.) with her … (Sahih Muslim 007:3110). The Prophet (PBUH) said: “Any woman who puts on perfume then goes and passes by some men to let them find her scent is a type of adulteress”. (Musnad Ahmad, Sunah al-Tirmidhi, Sunan Abi Dawud, and Sunan al-Nisa with a sound chain of transmission). Wow! Strong words? But who’s going to argue with the Prophet, eh?

    The fruit of a poisonous tree is poisonous. So also relationships that began and are “nurtured” by what is clearly Haraam.

    Even little children know that one gets burned playing with fire. So why remain in it? From what you tell us, your association has had some potentially destructive consequences. It’s time for some serious introspection! Connect with the company of Sisters with strong Islamic and personal morals and FIRMLY look away from all the elements that weaken your spirit. Bond with Allah. He loves repentance: so repent in sincerity and beg for His guidance. Disconnect with your circle of misguided (and misguiding) “friends”. Turn away from that which you allowed to rob you of your virtue, self-respect, happiness, and seek strength and guidance from THE Source that will never lead you astray: Islam!

    I hope I’m not too late in my response. If I am, “Adios, Loser”! I’ll pray that Allah (SWT) shows mercy upon your soul and delivers you from the punishment of the grave. And then, I’ll drive my family out to the park so my teenage daughter gets to whop me in badminton - Again!! See?? Life goes on, Dearie! Be grateful you’re alive and Muslim.

    • Salaam Everyone,

      I know this was written about a year ago and I am very late in my response but Waheed that is not how you talk to some one who is suicidal. If he/she commits suicide after feeling the pain of what you wrote then you will be held responsible too. I am pretty sure you at one point in your life have sinned knowingly as well, Allah (swt) knows. EVERYONE has sinned either knowingly or in ignorance and just because you have never fornicated does not give you any right to judge anyone. Only Allah (swt) can judge us, and once we have repented Allah(swt) chooses to forgive our sins no matter how bad it is.

      Please do not be ignorant, there are many people dealing with many things on a daily basis. Just because you have a family and a teenage daughter does not make you better than any other Muslim out there. And the “Adios, Loser” comment is very rude. I’ll pray that Allah (SWT) shows mercy upon your soul as well. Speak the truth but do not mock. If you do not have anything good to say, stay silent.

      May Allah forgive us all and grant us Jannah Ameen.

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