Can’t decide which man to choose for marriage
Decisions.
Assalaamu alaykum
My parents want me to get married in a year or 2 and they have asked me to let them know if I like someone so they can go ahead and talk to the guy's family. I have asked them to give me some time to tell them and they agreed.
The problem is that I'm confused between 2 people I like.
I used to be in a relationship with this guy a few years ago. We were together for a couple of years but then I realised that it's wrong to have relationships before marriage so I ended it with him. But we did not do anything physical. Later on, he also realised that it was wrong to have relationships.
Now since it is time for marriage, and I have to decide who to choose. It's either this guy who I used to be in a relationship with earlier or this new guy that I have known for a few years. Both the guys are equally good people. I really like this new guy and I thought I would tell my parents about him, but a few days ago I saw the old guy's comment on a friend's picture on a social networking site. The comment was nothing bad, just a normal "nice picture" but I think that made me feel jealous.
So I'm not sure who is the guy I like. The new guy or the old guy. Please tell me what I should do. I'm very confused.
- Sara
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Assalamualaikum sister Sara,
To me it seems that you like the new guy and you are just jealous about the old guy because you once liked him.
But the best way to know that is performing Salatul Istikhaarah. Apart from your 5 daily prayers, perform two rakaa'aat of nawaafil and then read the Dua of Istikhaarah, mentioning the two men where the words (ان هذا الامر) "Anna Hadhal Amr" come.
The Dua is:
Allâhumma inni astakhiruka bi ilmika wa astaqdiruka biqudratika wa as’aluka min fadlikal-azimi, fa innaka taqdiru walâ aqdiru wa ta'lamu walâ a'lamu wa anta allamul ghuyubi. Allâhumma in kunta ta'lamu anna hâdhal amr khayrun li fi dini wa ma-ashi wa aqibati amri faqdirhu li wa yassirhu li thumma barik li fihi wa in kunta ta'lamu anna hâdhal amr shari-un li fi dini wa maâshi wa aqibati amri fasrifhu anni wasrifni anhu waqdir liyal- khayru haythu kâna thummardini bihi.
Translation:
0 Allah, I ask of You the good through Your knowledge and I ask You to grant me ability through Your power and beg Your favour of infinite bounty, for surely, You have power and I have none, You know all and I know nothing and You are the Knower of all that is hidden. 0 Allah if in Your knowledge, this matter be good for my faith (Deen), my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs in the world and the Hereafter, then ordain it for me and facilitate it from me and grant me blessing in it. But, f in Your knowledge this matter is bad for my faith, my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs in the world and the Hereafter, then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and ordain for me the good wherever it be, and cause me to be pleased with it.
Do this by understanding the meaning of the dua and with conviction that Allah Will Help. And in sha Allah, He Will Help you decide.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum assalaam
Maybe. I'm not able to decide if right now, I like the new guy or the old one.
Do I have to perform the 2 nawaafil after every prayer or only after Isha? I've been praying the Istikhaarah nawaafil since 2-3 days after Isha, but maybe I was doing it wrong. I will do as you mentioned now.
There is one more thing. I have been having arguments with this new guy since a few days. I only talk to this guy so that I can know more about him and decide if he will be a compatibile life partner. But we've been having a few issues that we are unable to solve. The thing is I wasn't a good Muslim before and he is aware that it was probably because of the my bad company. As much as I agree with it, I'm having trouble making him understand that being in contact with them is not going to change me back to the old person because know I understand what is right and what is wrong and I'm well aware that I shouldn't let others behaviour influence me in anyway. But he still thinks that I will still become the old person I was. I don't know what to do about it and I'm not sure if this is some sort of sign to choose him or not to choose him. Please also guide me if I should listen to what he's saying about keeping away from those people even if I make sure that I don't turn back to the old person. Also, what kind of signs will help me decide if the old guy is a better option? I am not in any kind of contact with him anymore, so I don't know if any real-life events will determine if he's the right one or not.
And what about dreams? Can the dreams be interpreted in ways that help me decide who is the right one?
Please let me know soon. Thanks a lot for your help. I will start doing Istikhaarah like you mentioned.
JazaakAllah Khairan
Sara
Not after every obligatory prayer, but once after any of them (not particularly Isha). And Istikhaarah need not result in dreams that guide you, though they may be a way Allah Chooses to show you who is better.
You will have satisfaction towards either of the guys if they are good for you.
And remember another thing: if you feel attracted to someone, it need not necessarily mean that you love him and that you consider spending your life with him. So make the decision wisely, and trust in Allah that He Will Guide you, and in sha Allah, He Will.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree. Try to seperate yourself from both of these guys for the time being. Dont hold onto any emotions of attachment. Let them go, keep releasing them and do istikhaarah. Make sure it is done properly. Please scroll to top of the page and click the links on 'istikhaarah questions and answers' and read through carefully before proceeding.
As to what to look for: You should get a sign or an indication or Allah will place more obstacles in your way. Essentially what you are asking for is for Allah to remove it if its bad and make it easy if its good. You may get a dream, you may not. It is not necessary/. If you do, the difficulty is in determining whether a dream is based on the result of istikhaarah or based on your own mind.
After doing the isttikhaarah as Allah to make it clear to you and to give you to courage to follow the istikhaarah after its made clear. Also listen to your 'instincts' they are from Allah swt and are rarely wrong. Even if everything else seems OK sometimes the instinct picks up on something else.
Most importantly keep an open mind and trust in Allah. It may be that one of these guys is for you, maybe both of them are good matches and maybe none of them are. Keep an open mind. There are plenty of other nice brothers too so dont 'set your heart' on one now. Just spend time getting to know him in a halal way until it becomes clear to you. Another thing which is important to note: Even if both/one of these guys are nice and pious and amazing people it doesnt necessarily mean they are right for you!
Two very nice, kind, pious, religious people may both be lovely on their own but terrible together. Compatibility is complex so although religion and deen is the most important, you need to look at compatibility too. Becuase a spouse either brings out the best/worst in you.
Do you both get on well? Do you have similar aspirations? Are you too similar? Or too dissimilar?
I dont want to give you information overload so start with istikhaarah first, believe it will be answered, Have firm conviction and make sure you know the meaning.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Yasir Fazaga says: Compatibility before commitment.
Sara
Thank you both of you for helping me with this. I feel at ease now since I know that I should just pray for guidance now. Thanks a lot. 🙂
I'll ask you guys for more help if I misinterpret the signs shown. Thanks a lot.
JazaakAllah Khairan.
You guys are doing a great job helping people solve their problems by giving them advice based on Quranic teachings. I'm sure it will be giving them a peace of heart like it has given me right now. 🙂 Keep it up.
Sara.
You are more than welcome to ask for further advice if you need it. But be aware we are not able to interpret dreams and even interpreting signs is difficult. Usually the one who has the signs knows deep down in their heart the truth - it is difficult for a third party to interpret so just be aware with that. Because no one knows you instinct.
May Allah swt help you make the best decision.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor