I need help as I don’t have any family around who can help me.
Assalam O Alaikum,
Thank God I came across this site at this difficult time of my life. I live in an area in Europe where I can not find Islamic counselling so I hope you will be able to help me. Just like the other ladies who expressed their anger and pain when they discovered that their husbands were cheating on them ; the same thing happened to me. I have been married for 24 years and I have three sons who are a gift from God alhamedullah. I am not trying to praise myself astakhfurAllah, but I am highly educated and quite good looking for my age. My life with my husband has never been easy and his income was never sufficient.
Gradually, it was me who was providing for eighty percent of the expenses of the family in addition to the whole responsibility of the boys. I was happy doing this as long as it meant it was for the welfare of the family. The only thing I haven't noticed was that all the possessions were in my husband's name.
A couple of years ago he was promoted on condition that I accompany him on his mission. It meant that I had to leave my work but he promised that everything he earned will be shared since we're working together. He never kept his promise . What's more I started to feel a grudge from him towards me. Since we were working together now , I think he felt insecure because my qualifications were higher than his, though I never made him feel inferior. I think his ego was hurt by others always praising me. Yet, he could not get rid of me and his reaction was continuous humiliation of me infront of my boys, which I bore as much as I could.
During Ramadan, his temper became really bad and I thought it was because of long hours of fasting. He always started an argument and then he would get out for a while. Subhan Allah I found in one day all evidence that he was sleeping with prostitutes during the month of Ramadan! I faced him and he never looked me into the face and simply said "what are you saying". That's it. I think this is a great sin and I am not quite sure I should remain married to him. The one who does not respect God can not be trusted. What's worse, I was crying and I broke down and told my son about. I know I am mistaken but I have no family nor friends around. Can you help and tell me what should I do. Remember, he does not talk to me as if I made a mistake by finding out. The other thing, if I leave him , my youngest son will suffer financially as I do not have any savings and I will have to start from scratch.
Alaslam 3laykoum,
Lama.
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Lama,
There is nothing worse than being in a situation like yours and knowing that your back is against the wall due to the lack of money.
You told your son about his father sleeping with prostitutes and you feel mistaken? Why? I would have done the same. I would want each and every one of my children to know what a miserable excuse of a man he was but...that is just me. It might not be the right thing to do but in a fit of anger and frustration, I can see how it would come out.
You also need to understand that by him sleeping with those prostitutes, he has basically slept with every one that they have slept with and everyone that they too have slept with. A pretty scary scenario to say the least. He could very well have a sexually transmitted disease that he could give to you God forbid.
Every woman is different as to what she will and will not accept in her relationship with her husband. Me personally, I have dealt with a lot of ups and downs within my own marriage but I draw the line at adultery. No matter how many years you have been married, you certainly do not deserve to be treated in this manner. If he is not happy, let him ask for a divorce...that would be the right thing to do. To sleep around and turn things around to make you look like the guilty party is absolutely ridiculous.
Do you think your marriage is salvageable? Do you want to save it? You may very well ask your husband to go with you to marriage counseling so maybe together you can work on things with a qualified therapist. If your husband is not willing to work on things with you then, you already know in your heart what you need to do. You say yourself, you are highly educated so...even if you start from scratch, you will be okay God willing.
I'm not saying it will be easy, quite the contrary but what's worse... struggling day to day to get by or living with a man who whores around? You deserve more than that and you know it.