Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Does Islam protect abusive parents?

Angry father and sonI am 18 years old and my parents are emotionally abusive. In all my years of agony I continuously looked for coping mechanisms but I am starting to feel Islam has no protection for people like me. Are we suppose to just take it? Is that the case ?

I get it parents are to be cherished no matter how they are . But this also means we can't protect  ourselves . Emotionally abusive parents are evil masterminds. They will tell you to do something then chew you up for doing it . If you don't do it they will chew you up for NOT doing it. They manipulate religion.

Constant mind games and no approval. The advice in Islamic context is impractical as far as I have understood .  I can not disobey them . I can not stay awaý from them. I am to allow them to play with me?

All those hadiths and parts from the Quran that speak up against hurting another human being are only threats for the abuser which they ignore.

Basically an abuser has weak iman if they continue to abuse and the abuser child has weak iman if they defend themselves . By taking the abuse the child is being a believer and their only solace is that Allah will take their revenge  with is not practical in the real world. One can not just wait they have to take action. God also only helps those who help themselves.

Believe me I love being born muslim. I love islam .I accept every rule even I don't like it . In the Quran there's a part that says when Allah says something the mu'min has no right to give his like or dislike.

But this thing has been depressing me beyond reason . I am hoping somebody older and wiser or anyone who has been something similar can tell me that I am wrong and can't see the bigger picture please help.

I live in a society where imams and maulvis rarely have modern education. Women have no access to mosques. All religious practices are carried out as a part of culture.My parents shame me for asking religious questions saying

A . I should know this

B. It's haram.

I have noticed that my elders have no proper information about islam they have moulded culture with it . Are extremely intolerant and use Islam only when it suites them  .

To give you an extent of their ignorance

My parents who are doctors and always reading religious portion of the news paper and every other highly educated adult in our majority Sunni community THINKS THE SHIA SUNNI CONFLICT OCCURRED BECAUSE YAZID ASSASSINATED IMAM HUSSAIN and that THE SUNNIS WERE ON IMAM HUSSAINS SIDE. wth .

My community's(parents included) ignorance and my parents abuse is driving me crazy . Please give me some advice.


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4 Responses »

  1. Aslaamualaykhum

    I too have wondered the same thing; Imams and such constantly going on about how parents can do whatever they want to you and you can't do anything to protect yourself. I even read a booklet once where it says that if a mother curses her child, even for no reason, it comes true! It gave all these warnings to children saying about do whatever your parents say etc... and at the end it said in one little sentence "but parents should try not to curse their kids either" - that's it.

    All it says in the Quran is to treat them with kindness & respect and to look after them in their old age (I think). That's it. It doesn't say to take any bit of abuse from them like other Muslims say you do.

    If I were you then move out and get your own place if you can afford it or do whatever you can to avoid them unless necessary contact (you can't cut ties with them no matter what) is required.

    Personally, I just ignore many of these Imams who constantly emphasise and exaggerate the rights of parents while almost belittling the rights of children.

  2. Please consult to Islamic books written by authentic Islamic scholars. Educate yourself by self study. Do not follow blindly anyone even to your parents. Quran says I like those who has that thought prices and they recognize me by my creation. You are true Muslim because you have questions about the religion. Quran also says that “ I do not like those who just listen my Verses and fall down just crying” mean they do not understand what is the message . In these days there is an engineer who is giving talks on you tube I forgot his name you can contact him and he has answer of your every question.

  3. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    I know how very difficult and even impossible it can be when you are living in a society that doesn't have resources for people in exceptional situations. I also know that even if you decided to get out of your parents' house (assuming you were old enough to), it doesn't mean there aren't consequences of people making false assumptions about you or making life harder for you because you did.

    Sometimes our circumstances are not immediately open for change. I don't want to advise you to do this or do that without knowing what risks you might encounter by taking that advice. I think the more important thing I am getting from your post is how you understand the situation.

    What I would like to say to you is that it is NOT right for a parent to abuse the amanat they have with their children by hurting them emotionally or being careless about the human being they are. They will certainly answer to Allah for every word and action they gave you, whether it was beneficial or harmful toward you. Just because they are parents doesn't mean everything they do is sanctioned by Allah. Allah asks us to honor our parents, but at the same time, the parents have some heavy obligations upon them to treat their children with the right care and love. Consider the following narration:

    Abul Laith Samarqandi (R.A) has related that a man brought his son to Hazrat Umar (radiyallahu anhu) and said: "My son does not obey me, he is disobedient to me." Hearing this Hazrat Umar (radiyallahu anhu) said: "O boy, don't you know what rights a father has on his son?" Thereafter he narrated the rights of a father on his children. The boy said: "O Commander of the faithful! Do the children too have any rights on their father?" Hazrat Umar (radiyallahu anhu) said: "Yes! the children too have rights on their father." "What are those rights?" asked the boy. Hazrat Umar (radiyallahu anhu) replied: "First of all, he should search for a good mother for his son. He should marry with a virtuous, religious woman, and must not marry any woman of questionable nature and doubtful character. The second right is that when he begets a child, he should name it with a good name, and the third right of the child is that he should impart religious knowledge to him and teach the Quraan." The boy said: "O Commander of the faithful! my father has not discharged any of these rights. Firstly, the woman who is my mother is a negress, a slave woman that he has bought for 400 dirhams. She is a neophyte Muslim slave woman who is quite ignorant of religious education, Islamic civil manners and morals. It is in her laps that I have passed my infancy. She has not given me any religious education. What should I do? Secondly, they have not named me with a good name. They have named me Jo'al meaning black, ugly man. I should have been given a good name which was my right, but my father did not discharge his responsibility towards me. The third is the right of religious education, which they did not give me at all. Now whatever decision you give, I will accept it." Hazrat Umar (radiyallahu anhu) said: "O boy's father, first of all, you have been neglectful regarding the boy's rights which you did not discharge and now you tell me that your son does not obey you. GET OUT! It is you who have disobeyed first."

    As you can see, even when the children do not fulfil their own rights to the parent, the parent is held more accountable to the rights they should've delivered to their child first. So please, root yourself in the reality of this understanding and let go of the false conclusions that Islam is giving space to your parents while they are wronging you.

    Last but not least, never stop making dua to Allah to show you a way out of your situation to one that is more healthy and reflective of the human interactions He expects. And, with that, keep planning and making the necessary efforts to move into something better when Allah opens it.

    -Amy Editor

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