Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband loves me, but I don’t like him

unhappy wife

Trapped in an unhappy marriage

Assalam Alaikum,

I have been in a nikkah for almost two years (no rukhsati as yet). Before getting into the nikkah, I tried convincing my parents to get me engaged first, because it's easier to break it off if I don't like the guy,.

But they refused since they had already decided with the guy's family that I'll get nikkahfied ( Also the nikkah was needed for some paperwork since the guy lives abroad).

The guy started to message me after we got engaged. I never really found him attractive like the rest of my family did; initially I was just okay with the entire situation. The day of my nikkah I was angry and annoyed and just wanted the day to end. After that when I met him with my sister, I didn't like his face, the way he talked, his laugh, nothing. I was infuriated for no reason. I tried my best to make my mind change and start liking him, but anything he said would make me feel annoyed.

He went abroad after a week or two. After that we used to talk on the phone or text. I never really enjoyed talking to him and would find almost any reason not talk to him. Even now after almost two years of trying to like him, things still haven't changed. His family is amazing and he also is really nice, but I feel like we're just not compatible. I've tried telling him, but he says he loves me and I shouldn't think this way.  He is trying his best to make it work but I just can't do it anymore.

The only thing stopping me is the thought of making the wrong decision. Would I find someone better? Although the thought of leaving him doesn't make me upset at all. What should I do? Would leaving him be the right decision? Also since I'm in a nikkah, I'm finding it more difficult to end it. Please help!

-Stranger1234

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10 Responses »

  1. Sis ..many people are trying hard to get married..im one of them.. I'm engaged from last 3 years and desperately want that my fiance will send his parents for nikah date but in vain.in past 3 years I knows all the weaknesses and qualities of him and he of mine.today we r at the point where we fight lot and talk normally very hard because I think that if he love me and engaged me why he dont send his parents.im a teacher and get handsome salary ,he is not on permanent job. Still his parents not showing the respect which I deserve.here I cannot pressurise his parents because we r just engaged not married. A maaried women get rights, security,protection and true love which is both good and respecting in the eyes of society and in the eyes of Allah.
    The only thing I want to tell you is that at least Ur married and have all rights.ur position is very strong. The love ur husband shows is true love not like mine coz there is no surity. Bt atleast Ur married plz respect it. The reason that Ur not feeling love is that Ur away form him. Once u will start living with each other u will gradually start like him and appreciate his qualities. U know the love guys shows on text or phn is just plunder. Once you will start living in the reality i.e marriage then only u will get to know each other.its hard to show qualities or love on phn.plz don't judge him by face..unless you open the book and start reading u can't get reality.plz dnt judge the book bye it's cover. Live in reality the ashiqi that guys shows is fake.he is your husband and choice of Ur family too. Dnt shatter anybody's faith and heart. Wait until u get Ur rukhsati done then there will be ample time to approve or disapprove Ur pre openions.
    May Allah protect you. Allah projects those sisters in islam who r desperately waiting to get married and aging just because they don't get honest and determined guy. Sorry for a long reply

    • Sister Almas,
      You said that you have been engaged for 3 years and no marriage has been set. This is a blessing in disguise. It’s showing you the true colors of this guy and his family. They are not respecting your time and honoring you. They can easily influence the guy or the guy can own his own can dump you. Don’t wait for him. He is not showing that much care.

    • Almas Umar,
      Just because you really want to get married doesn't mean it's right to encourage people that don't want to be married to remain married. I mean, I wish YOU all the best, but you can't use your own personal desires, wishes and problems to tell someone else that they should appreciate something that YOU want, but which THEY clearly don't. Your situation is one thing, OP's situation is an entire other thing. Please don't mix the two.

      • I second this. OP's issue is completely different from Almas Umar's.

        • Not to mention that Almas Umar is giving OP false hope. Almas doesn't know if OP will ever fall in love with her husband, so why advise her to remain married on the false idea that living with him is BOUND to make her fall in love with him? You simply don't know that for 100% certainty, so don't make this claim. You can't force love, in the end of the day. You could live with someone for the rest of your life, and you'll never end up loving them.

  2. hi if u don't feel nothing for him you should end it

  3. Did you have someone else in you heart right before the nikah?

  4. @ Stranger,

    I don’t know what to say. You tried to like him but don’t feel any attraction to talk or be with him. It’s been 2 years. Very long. Are you sure he is not just saying he loves because he can get citizenship in the country you are based at.

  5. It's very simple, really: If you don't want to be married, get out of the marriage. It'll be difficult, so you'll have to ask yourself if you prefer to be unhappy in a marriage you don't want or if you prefer to upset people around you by choosing to get out of the marriage.

    Please remember that in Islam a forced marriage is considered invalid...if your parents have 'nikkahfied' you against your will, your marriage is not actually valid.

  6. I am in Nikah with my cusion since past 11 years. at that time i was only 17 years old. during those days i heared that he is not ready for this nikkah and only doing this for his family but he did not say anything to me and said he is totaly Ok with it. but after that he did not contact me for 7 years nor i did, during this time i totally got fed up with this relationship although i did not even think about anyone else in my life.. i studied till M.phil. and he did not studied. After 7 years he called and showed his care about this relation and he said he is ready to be with me as i like i showed my angernes and said not to call me again. Now my marriage is decided in October but my mind is not ready to accept this relationship but heart is 50/50. As now i feel he is less educated and we would not be able to creat understanding with each other he is a smoker too and i do nt like smokers. And i really do not know his opinion about me obviosly he has his own priorties. I am realy confuse what to do. Sould i do istkhara at this stage? either to refuse this marriage or to continue? it is realy a confusing stiuation. kindly guid me with some best advise.

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